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Elderly parents
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StillNiceCardigan · 07/12/2025 09:34

@Adooree DH and I did a risk assessment and decided there is nothing in her flat that she could actually use to do herself any damage so its safe to ignore her. Very annoying though.

countrygirl99 · 07/12/2025 09:53

I get "Perhaps I should just curl up and die so I'm not a problem" my standard response is "no need for that. Just don't fiddle with the heating controls"

StillNiceCardigan · 07/12/2025 09:58

@countrygirl99 that did make me laugh. I usually can manage a no nonsense answer but I'm tired and busy at the moment.

Dormit · 07/12/2025 10:37

Morning all. I’ve given in and taken one of the propranolol the GP has given me for the anxiety this whole situation is causing. I’m half expecting a call from evil aunt on mum’s phone to have a go at me about not being there this weekend. Or something. I’ve come down with a crappy cold and feeling a bit rubbish. Christmas decorating today. I hope you all have a peaceful Sunday.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 07/12/2025 10:48

NotTheMrMenAgain · 30/11/2025 11:06

My lovely DM is finally dying. I’ve been expecting for it for years. But now that it’s here I’m a mess.

She’s had secondary, incurable cancer for many years and moved into a nursing home 18 months ago due to lack of mobility/falling. The care is good, the staff lovely despite being run off their feet. Approx 8 weeks ago DM started to physically and cognitively decline. Her mobility got worse, so I couldn’t transfer her from her wheelchair to my car, which meant an end to shopping trips, coffee shops and pub lunches. Usually, just a week without an outing would have been cause for riot, but DM didn’t seem to be bothered.

She became more withdrawn - not engaging with the organised activities as she did and seemed somehow ‘far away’. The staff noticed. I noticed. But it’s clear now that DM isn’t just “tired today”, or “a bit under the weather”. She’s started the process of dying. The suspicion is that cancer has spread to her brain. We won’t know unless she has brain scans, but that isn’t in her best interests.

She’s in bed, mostly asleep. When she’s awake she’s often elsewhere, or referring to things from many years ago, or not making sense at all. She’s nauseous, not eating, barely drinking. So fragile and thin. My lovely Mom.

I’m not scared. I know she’s not scared. She’s wanted to be with DF since he suddenly died some years back. I know her wishes, have POA and the nursing home is supportive and very clear on what needs to happen - no ambulances, no pointless interventions, just as many drugs as possible to keep her comfortable. I just hope she will have a swift, painless end.

But, despite knowing this has been coming for a long time and knowing that there’s nothing to be done and that death will be a relief and a release for DM, I am not coping.

I have a lead weight of anxiety on my chest, wake up in the night in a panic and feel sick. The powerlessness is overwhelming. I don’t know if she has weeks or days or hours, which makes it feel worse. Should I try to go about my days as normal? Should I spend every possible minute at her bedside? I don’t want to do the wrong thing, but don’t know what the right thing actually is.

It feels like I’m constantly on the verge of bursting into tears, screaming or punching someone. It’s difficult to try to be calm and keep a lid on it all. On one hand it will be a relief when DM reaches the end of her journey, but on the other hand part of my brain is screaming that I don’t want to lose my best friend.

Has anyone been in a similar situation, please? Can anyone suggest how long she might have left? I know that nobody can say for sure.

My lovely Mom died in the early hours of yesterday. I’d never sat with a dying person before, but all things considered, I think it went as well as it possibly could have.

I played her favourite albums, told her how loved she was, how lucky I was to have her as my Mom, that she’d done really well and there was nothing to worry about and she could leave whenever she felt ready - she could let go and be free.

There was no pain or distress, as far as I could tell. I read about the stages of the process of dying - so I knew what to expect - and she went through them fairly swiftly, in the normal, natural way, so it didn’t feel frightening. Just sad. It was quiet at the end, nothing dramatic. If I hadn’t been actively listening to her breaths as they became more spaced out, I wouldn’t have realised.

The nurse and carers at the home looked after her well and were really kind. After she’d died some of the carers were in tears and kissed her goodbye. Strange that I was dry-eyed and trying to comfort them, but I felt and still feel a combination of numbness and relief at her release. She went well. Thank you to everyone who replied to my initial post - you helped me at a difficult time.

PermanentTemporary · 07/12/2025 10:50

❤️ @NotTheMrMenAgain to you. Sounds like you gave your Mum the sort of end we would all wish for. May her memory be for a blessing.

StillNiceCardigan · 07/12/2025 10:56

@NotTheMrMenAgain Flowers

funnelfan · 07/12/2025 11:01

@NotTheMrMenAgain I’m sorry you’ve lost your mum. But I agree with pp - you gave your mum a quiet and peaceful end that we would all wish for our loved ones. I hope that gives you a little comfort.

NDornotND · 07/12/2025 11:06

Condolences @NotTheMrMenAgain - so sorry you've lost your lovely mum.

rookiemere · 07/12/2025 11:09

@NotTheMrMenAgain I am sorry for your loss x

Dormit · 07/12/2025 11:58

@NotTheMrMenAgain I’m so sorry. How wonderful for you to be there with her and it sounds like the perfect passing. Be kind to yourself over the coming days, weeks, months.

countrygirl99 · 07/12/2025 12:08

@NotTheMrMenAgain 💐

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 07/12/2025 12:10

I'm so sorry @NotTheMrMenAgain
I'm glad her ending was peaceful and that you were able to be with her as she died.

Choconuttolata · 07/12/2025 12:20

So sorry for your loss @NotTheMrMenAgain she sounded like a wonderful Mum. I am glad for you both the end was peaceful and you were with her to give her comfort in those final moments 💐

Mumbles12 · 07/12/2025 13:58

I'm so sorry for your loss @NotTheMrMenAgain . I hope you have people around you who can comfort you. Wishing you strength for the coming days and weeks.

Glennponder · 07/12/2025 14:47

Sorry for your loss @NotTheMrMenAgain x

Harassedevictee · 07/12/2025 22:01

@NotTheMrMenAgain I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you were with your Mum and it was peaceful.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 08/12/2025 08:46

@NotTheMrMenAgain 💐it wont be a lot of comfort now but know that you did the best for your DM.

Relief is a normal emotion to feel. I think when you have been at the coal face it is normal to feel 'thank god that's over'. It doesnt mean your grief is any less.

OP posts:
Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 08/12/2025 09:11

Had a useful conversation with the care managers at DM's CH yesterday. DOLS is about to be applied for so that DM can be moved to the secure unit.

Gave DB a long update message. He isnt happy but is starting to recognise that he cant control the situation.

OP posts:
bigbootsweather · 08/12/2025 09:20

@NotTheMrMenAgain Sorry for your loss. It sounds like you gave your mum a calm and dignified end to her life. I understand exactly what you mean about feeling numb and comforting others who were not as close to her. When my Dad passed I had to tell neighbours/friends etc the news and ended up consoling them. I think sometimes it just takes a while to properly process, especially when you've had to hold it together to be practical and support your loved one through the end.

bigbootsweather · 08/12/2025 09:51

GnomeDePlume · 08/12/2025 09:11

Had a useful conversation with the care managers at DM's CH yesterday. DOLS is about to be applied for so that DM can be moved to the secure unit.

Gave DB a long update message. He isnt happy but is starting to recognise that he cant control the situation.

@GnomeDePlume Glad to hear your DB is starting to see the reality.

We're still a long way off that with my DB. Mum's bad days seem to be getting more frequent. She's had another incident where she says she couldn't get out of bed because she felt dizzy and thought she would fall if she tried. But it's the hallucinations that are really scaring her. DB is desperately trying to cling to the view that there is a simple physical explanation that we just need to find and cure then all will be well. He's still adamant that we don't need external help or to consider changing where she lives- his view is that if and when she needs more help he will look after her if I won't. Which sounds admirable but in the past when he's promised her he will look after her he has dealt with the first 24 hours of crisis (if that) then expected me to take over, and he's never considered any of the boring, time consuming things that need to be done for her inbetween crises. This time I have been over to see her but have tried to step back and let DB deal with things so he can see how difficult it will be. Unfortunately that means he didn't ask sensible and obvious questions when they saw a doctor, left her with a pot for a urine sample with no idea of whether she could know what to do with it or how/when it could be taken to the surgery as well as a list of checks/exercises she should do at home with no plan for how this will happen when she can't work out how to do them for herself. So I've had to step in to avoid her getting worse, which I know reinforces DB's view that caring for mum is just a case of running to her if she shouts for help then leaving her to it again once the emergency is over.
DH has a theory that DB wants to keep mum in her own home no matter what because he envisages potentially leaving his partner to the parenting and moving back in with mum. Unfortunately I suspect he may be right- DB already escapes there quite often when he needs a rest and has started making comments about how he'd stop work and be mum's full time carer if he didn't have to pay a mortgage and look after his child, and how tiring it is to work 'full time' (in '' because he actually works part time). Given that he spent decades living rent free with our parents and just working occasionally when he wanted to pay for something, only moving out when his child was born, I am starting to fear that DH may be correct. Hopefully that won't happen, as I doubt he'd be interested in really providing the care she needs and it be complicated for me Mum wants me (and not DB, because he's 'too busy') to have a finance LPA so I would have to deal with what is and is not reasonable for her to pay for him etc

roundaboutthehillsareshining · 08/12/2025 09:58

Feeling a bit odd. The elderly lady who I held PoA for (not the ER who I post about usually on here) died over the weekend. Unfortunately, due to the nature of the death, it's had to go to the coroner, so might be a while before the admin can be done. I was actually originally her replacement PoA, but her main PoA stood down during Covid due to having to deal with other things (to be fair, after taking months to get her affairs in order and her settled in a care home, so I didn't have a lot of work to do). Her original PoA is also her executor, so all the management stuff reverts to them now. So while I'm really relieved I don't have to do all the "post death" stuff, it feels a bit like the story has ended mid-chapter.

Original poster
GnomeDePlume · 08/12/2025 16:22

@bigbootsweather I wonder if there are similarities with my DB. Little boys who have never quite grown up. Mummy as a constant presence. Expecting that mummy will get better and everything will go back to how it was.

Not seeing that these early signs could be just the start.

The longer things go on the more I feel with DM that we are always trying to solve yesterday's problem.

DM now has a chest infection which has resisted ABs so far. It seems to have caused another twist on the downward spiral of dementia (apparently very common). DM is now permanently exhausted and more and more keen to just stay in her bed. So not entirely sure if the move to the secure unit will go ahead as she is entirely incapable of making a bid for freedom at the moment.

OP posts:
bigbootsweather · 08/12/2025 16:51

@GnomeDePlume I think you're completely right about little boys who haven't really grown up. And the feeling that you're trying to solve yesterday's problem. I think that's part of why I get so frustrated with DB- I'm trying to get us in a position to plan for what I think is likely to come, so we have time to look at all the options and make calm, rational choices rather than just reacting when things become completely unworkable at home and/or she has a significant crisis. Whereas DB is focussed on denying anything's really happening and pretending it will all be OK. If I really thought that when the time comes he would move in with her and give her the proper care that she needs for the rest of her life (on more than one occasion he's told her that's exactly what he'd do if she got to the stage where she needed residential care) I'd let him get on with it and would happily let him keep the house when she's gone. But I know it's just his way of side stepping the tough discussions. He'd almost certainly move in then expect me to take over as soon as things got tricky.
Sorry to hear your DM's physical health has taken a turn for the worse. I hope that doesn't mean you have to start again with the process of moving her once she's well enough to wander off again. Dementia really is horrific isn't it. I know it sounds awful but in many ways I can't help hoping that Mum develops a physical illness that takes her quietly before she has to spend too long in the scary existence that she seems to have at the moment.

countrygirl99 · 08/12/2025 17:13

We've got to the stage where aged household items can't be coaxed into life anymore but because mum can't cope with change we are having to try and find replacements as close as possible to 20 year old appliances and gadgets. The nightmare of her not recognising the replacement phone as a phone is a recurring dread.