Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

@MysterOfwomanY MIL started going to the day centre in january when she was a bit more compliant. DH just said it was so he could have a day off and she accepted that. She is like a 5 year old though and swears blind she sits there for six hours doing nothing - the facebook page tells a different story!

I'm not sure she'll go back now though after missing it this week.

Hi 👋
I was on this (wonderful) thread a couple of years ago and it was so supportive and non judgemental....hope you don't mind me coming back!
Things are much the same wrt my mum (80 soon, many, many health issues and increasing frailty...she's 6 stone atm)
She nearly died 2 years ago from sepsis and hasn't really been the same since.
My 2 siblings are not interested and do nothing for her, even though they live nearer (usual story...)
I now get carers allowance as I had to give up my p/t job (it covers petrol I guess...)
I'm feeling pretty burnt out atm because it's been such an awful, awful year - both my dc have had really difficult times with postgrad, gcses and anxiety/mh issues.
They are now thankfully through it and are doing well, but I seem to be "stuck" in flight or fight mode after so many months of supporting and advocating for both mum and my dc ☹️
I'm peri menopausal, and my health isn't great.
Dh works away, and was away every time things imploded with dc this year (not his fault, but its all been on me)
Added to this, dhs uncle died. Fil is 85 and just couldn't cope, so I ended up sorting the funeral and we are now emptying the house (if any of you have done this when a house has been lived in for 70+ years you know what we are facing)
I'm trying to plan nice things, rest when I can, but all I can honestly see 10+ more years of this.
Mums sisters all lived to 89/90+ with very serious health issues (bedridden/dementia)
Pils are now starting to suffer from ill health, too.
I'm 52 and I just want to run away! ☹️

Oh, and mum is having a scan today...it's taken me months to get it sorted, even though the stroke team requested it last year (she had 2 mini strokes last year)
Two hospitals kept saying the other should do it!
And we just discovered she has osteoarthritis..
She was diagnosed a few years ago apparently...
No one told us!!!

@Glennponder oh I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Would your mother be open to carers and a meal service?

Did you plan to be her carer or did it happen gradually as it does with many of us? I’ve stepped back this year as it made me so unwell. It’s hard to do but your family need you well nit burnt out.

@BlueLegume
Thank you x
Like most (I imagine) it's been fairly gradual...ramping up year on year since dad died 12 years ago, very much more so since the sepsis 2 years ago
I now do have "days off" if I'm ill (mum isn't overly sympathetic to my health issues!)
It's difficult. We aren't close and she wasn't a good mum to me
But...dad's gone and she's a frail, scared, elderly woman
She isn't very mobile anymore...she mostly refuses to leave the flat, use her stick or any mobility aids 🙄
Which, of course, means reduced mobility and potential clots (she already has clots...)
My brother is taking her for her scan today, but only because I'm recovering from a minor op myself atm
Fil has parkinsons and is getting more frail, mil has what I think are the beginnings of dementia...
It all just feels so bleak ☹️
Sorry
I'm not usually such a pessimist!

It is hard @Glennponder and you do find yourself worn down dealing with everyone else's needs. This has been my life for two years now, DF is improving weight wise, has carers now 4 X a day, just nearing the end of the executor, house clearing nightmare and DC with SEND and MH issues are now doing better.

Use the 'quieter' times in between the crises to try and do things that calm your nervous system down. Getting into nature helps if you can. Living in the fight and flight zone all the time is exhausting. Finally getting HRT prescribed after five years of peri symptoms for me has been a massive help, so worth exploring/pushing for if you are struggling. Also I did have therapy as a sounding board for myself in the worst part of it which also helped.

Solidarité 🍷 it is a gruelling slog.

I've organised 2 lots of meal services...she disliked both of them 🤷‍♀️
I tend to buy her m&s ready meals now tbh
She uses a laundry service, which is great as I only have to wash her delicates or if she's been in hospital
I've arranged 2 different cleaners - they were both very unreliable, sadly, so thats something I might need to revisit
I do everything else...it amazes me how much admin and sorting I have to do!
I'm her executor and poa, too, which I do find funny
I might not be the most favoured child, but I'm the only one she trusts

@Glennponder so sorry. It is a huge problem, and I mean problem, our generation seem stuck in a cycle of elderly parents who will not improve but we seem hell bent as a society in prolonging life at whatever costs. I stepped back when I found myself at my GP surgery being offered ant depressants. All my issues stemmed from my elderly mother and her stubborn approach to not doing anything to help herself or us.

Would she be open to respite care?

Yes, I agree 💯
I was on ADs for 3 months earlier this year when everything was falling apart, but I can't say they helped, really
Both my parents and my pils never had to do this...all their parents died by age 78 of natural causes
I told dh that at this rate, mum will outlive me!

Respite?
No chance!

@Glennponder I have had moments when I have thought I will die before my parents. I just accept now we live constantly on high alert and that when the crisis happens - which it will - we will be back in the cycle of her telling us ‘well I don’t want that’ then proceeding to not tell us what she does want.

My fifties and now sixties have been totally blighted by elderly parents and their poor choices in life. I have resigned myself to the fact retirement isn’t going to be what I had planned - yes I do all the things I planned but always with a heavy heart waiting for the next crisis. Sympathy with you.

Stuck in flight or fight - sounds familiar
With the ridiculous amount of practical multitasking plus being everyone's emotional support animal I got stuck in a stress nightmare. I ended up with a cortisol belly and unable to actually concentrate for any length of time on something meaningful or independent.
What would I do if the perfect storm hit again?
I'd accidentally timed six sessions of one to one therapy on calming techniques just before it all ramped up. Someone saying 'how are you' and then having an hour all about me was just the best.
Next time I'd organise a one to one yoga course or a personal trainer or even six booked in facials. Just something one to one, not family.
Get out for a daily non-negotiable walk
Mumsnet on the elderly parents board
Choose my friend confidents carefully, some people get it, some don't. Some will make space for you, some won't.

Ultimately my poorly EP died and my teens grew up a bit.

Wishing everyone a good day.

@dormit my DPs (well DF now that DM is in a care home) have Home Instead twice a day. They minimum visit is 1 hour and they are not cheap, but they do cook and do loads of other household things (washing, cleaning, etc) as well. They claim never to send anyone who hasn't been introduced first, although this has been breached once with prior agreement. The carers themselves vary in age and experience and some of the younger ones (one is only 19!) have minimal cooking skills, but have given it a go under DF's instructions- he had one making cottage pie the other week. So, it's not impossible to get good care, but it's certainly not standard, easy, or cheap.

DM seems to be improving slowly mentally, but has been unable to mobilise and I think is likely to end up bed bound or only moved with a hoist. She's been stuck for at least a month now - what's the chances of getting going again at 86?

@NDornotND Is your mum doing any physio and mobilisation in bed? She can start building strength while in bed, if she's willing and able. Ask her physio for advice on exercises, but even basic things like if she can bend her knee and put her foot flat on the bed, then push the foot away so the heel skims the bed and the leg is straight, then bring it back towards her bum will help build strength. Raising and lowering her arms will support cardiovascular fitness. Basically any movement she can do will be good to build whatever strength her body is capable of

Mum and mil retired at 60, fil retired at 58...
I can't see dh retiring any time soon!
It's just so hard atm ...we are both struggling I think ☹️

She has been doing some exercises in bed of her own accord, yes. They also do group sitting exercises in the home that she has been participating in. Care home staff say she has been unable to stand, even using the turntable gadget, but she broke her collar bone in hospital a few weeks ago, so they are reluctant to encourage too much. It's frustrating.

@Glennponderwelcome to our midst.

On the cleaner front it’s worth persevering to get one your DM likes. I ignored DMs complaints about the first one I managed to get in, but then various events conspired and they got a new one that they both now seem to like and they agreed to increase her hours to help DF put away the groceries and keep an eye on items in the fridge so that’s a minor weight off my mind.

The constant feeling of stress is the most draining part of this for me. I live an hour away from DPs, am currently not working but starting a new part time job next year which I am looking forward to as something else to focus on. I have only been doing heavy duty responsibilities for around 7 months - prior to that point DPs were gradually deteriorating but just about functional, but then DM had a fall her speech is more or less gone, DFs dementia had suddenly ramped up and it’s all been a bit of a train wreck since.

As we are in Scotland DPs get various free carers which just about do the basics and means they don’t want to use their vast wealth on getting more coherent paid care in and DH and I pick up the rest ( only child). Because they have carers in we have managed a few holidays but there is always the constant worry about will something happen to prevent us going, the dread of the phone call when we’re away and the aftermath visit that inevitably results. I have gone on HRT a month ago purely because of the stress and have put my phone on silent so I can phone when suits me, rather than sometimes responding badly.

It sucks big style and is not how I want to be spending my 50s.

@rookiemere
It's so hard, isn't it?
I'd love a pt job again but with mum and facilitating dd2s college transport it's pretty much impossible
To be fair to mum, the 2 cleaners she tried were very unreliable ...its a small flat, she keeps it clean, it makes about 45 mins to do..twice a month..they probably didn't think it was worth it
I got her a lightweight stick hoover and a coverless duvet.
She has a mini oven which is a bit rubbish but I've given up arguing that one!

Yes, it's the constant stress for me, too.
I can't ever just "be"

Well the inevitable crisis is with us. FIL has had several falls this week and now has an infection and a very elevated heart rate. Refused to go to hospital. Lives with BIL who doesn't cope well. DH will go down to stay this weekend. If they'd moved nearer to us and BIL2 who lives a couple of miles from us the help would at least be more local. They refused and it feels as if their intransigence is coming back to bite them (and DH who is very stressed is collateral damage to their stubborn ways).

Sorry to hear that, @Mumbles12
It's such a rollercoaster, isn't it? ☹️
Mums scan went ok (I'm going to admit to being pleasantly surprised my sibling actually showed up!) so we now await the results
Dh has been dx woth high BP and I can't help thinking it's due to the stress of the last 18 months ☹️

I've had my BP checked regularly because of a research project I'm in. It's very noticeable how much it goes up when I've been dealing with a mum issue.

I didn’t realise it could be that sensitive. Hmm, msybe I should get mine done. I have a Garmin that shows stress levels through the day (approximated by the heart beat monitor on the wrist) and it always shows lots of orange spikes when I have been at DPs, which is Bad.

Had a check up for the project this morning and had a re-assessment of my ability to cope with every day life. Just a series of questions about do you need help with a list of tasks, mobility, using the phone etc. I couldn't help but think mum would answer that she didn't need help with any of them even though she definitely needs help with 99% of them

I have just come on to say ARSE!

If DB disclaims from LPA it is effectively cancelled. He now needs to phone OPG to cancel the disclaim form. Of course OPG cant put a note on DM's file to say to ignore the disclaim form when they scan it in. So I will need to phone OPG daily to check to see if the form has arrived. When it has, contact DB to say 'you need to phone them today'.

If we dont do this then the LPA will be cancelled.