Cockroach cafe Winter 2025

[GnomeDePlume]

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5360173-cockroach-cafe-summer-2026?page=39&reply=147870717

Here we go. I think we are going to need this

My DM is now much further along with memory loss. The things she remembers and the things she has forgotten are quite random. Motor skills are going. She can eat with a fork but when I was with her on Sunday she needed help sometimes to aim. This makes eating very slow.

Good evening everyone

I was hoping I may join your lovely thread. I lurked for many years on this part of the forum following my ddad being diagnosed with a degenerative condition, and although we have been blessed with many very good years, i feel the tide is now turning and reality is setting in.(Ive actually had to reactivate my account to post it's been so long!).

I appreciate I may need my own thread but posting here is my gentle start of acceptance of the changing season and some challenging weeks ahead.

Welcome @Lzzyisgod to the club no one wants to be in.

Am currently gnashing my teeth about Talk Talk’s abysmal treatment and service for DPs which I won’t bore you with but which took an hour of my time yesterday, and hour and a half today, and will need an extra unplanned visit tomorrow to hopefully resolve, not to mention stress & blood pressure…. (And I still haven’t sorted Barclays online access for them but that’s a battle for another day). And breathe.

Welcome @Lzzyisgodalthough I am sure you don’t want to be here, it’s a supportive group and helpful in these testing times.

Bit more good news today. DPs agreed to extend cleaner by an hour so she could help with shopping unpacking. I mentioned that there had been uncharacteristic silence after delivery when I was expecting complaints and today DF was quite upbeat about it which is most curious. The cleaner rang - this is the second one as they didn’t like the first one - saying what a jolly time she had with DF handling the shopping and she had tried to sort out the fridge a bit with him. This is great news on many fronts, but actually the most important to me is DF having a bit of positive social interaction to look forward to that doesn’t involve him leaving the house.

Welcome to the thread @Lzzyisgod - I often wonder if I should start a specific thread about something or other, but usually just end up blurting it all out here. It helps.

DM is persistently sending me nonsense messages from the care home, as well as calling at inopportune moments to tell me that she's going mad but they won't do anything and 'they're all arguing'. Just now i was accused of not caring when i said i would speak to the staff about her medication when i visit tomorrow. I hung up in the end. She was angry with me and I needed to get DS to his music lesson. I am trying to be calm and telling myself it is her condition and I shouldn't react, but she has always known how to push my buttons 🙃

Thank you ever so kindly 😁 do I need to do a small introduction?

I'll just have a read back of the thread (it has been many many years since I posted regularly on MN). But essentially. .... currently attempting to organise ddad who's moving/downsizing 2 weeks before Christmas and increasingly I'm becoming aware actually how well he's been masking how well he's coping.

Good points - family is all local (as is he), new place should be more manageable and more sociable in evenings, just been awarded full attendance allowance.

Not so great points - as I'm packing him up it's increasingly apparent he is struggling especially with food prep and just general organising himself including medication. Happy to have some outside help but despite gentle hints won't yet accept a carer/increased outside support.

I have a full day off work tomorrow to continue with the sorting and packing. Happy days 😂

A happy thing amongst the doom and gloom, DD is expecting a baby. She comes with me to visit DM every few weeks and DM loves talking about the pregnancy and having a newborn. This seems to be a very warm and comforting memory for DM.

Ah thats lovely @GnomeDePlume our granddaughter is 8 months old and she is a joy.

@GnomeDePlume congratulations

That’s lovely @GnomeDePlume

DD did say on the way home on Sunday that getting pregnant was about the best gift she could have got for DM. It really is the gift that keeps giving.

Started this morning feeling murderous but DH now has an appointment to set up Libre on the NHS and I finally have my car back after the garage in the village cocked up ordering the parts to get it through it's MOT. On top of that goldenballs has stayed silent after I pushed back about doing something the carers can do in less than an hour that would take me 3+ hours with the drive to mum's. So my mood has improved considerably.

I am currently buoyed up on FREE cake from John Lewis Christmas treats. This is probably a very bad idea for lunch as I try to avoid having too much sugar as I generally crash afterwards, but hey ho it was free.

I think Free cake means sugar free doesnt it ? ;-)

Can i just have a quick reality check in with whoever is about?
Dad had knee replacement on 22/11. ended up a&e after a fall on 28/11 and pronounced all ok and sent back home on Monday. He is mobile and can do straight stairs and is doing his physio. Does he need 24/7 babysitting? Surely he should be ok on his own for 2-3 hours? Or am i being unreasonable?

@NattyKnitter116I used copilot and it said you really only needed 24 hr care for first 72hours after hip replacement. Does he have a fall pendant? Will someone be checking on him 2-3 times per day?

You're not being at all unreasonable.

It's going to depend on context. Is he fully independent in mobilising, does he experience any symptoms that might make him more at risk of a fall - urinary urge (which might make him move too quickly or make poor movement choices), dizziness, low blood pressure, anything like that?

Also, who wants to "babysit" him or him to be "babysat"? I could well imagine a situation where a elderly couple didn't want to be separated under those circumsances, for the anxiety of the non-injured person as well.

Hi,

Thanks for your replies.

The context: I think possibly the poor movement choices lead to the fall. I would describe him as a bull in a china shop.

He did have a stroke in 2021 that led to some left side weakness but presumably they didnt think it was bad enough to deny him an operation.

He was offered post op rehab in the hospital but convinced them to let him go home before he'd done the stairs.
He can be very convincing when he wants to be and presumably while he is in charge of his faculties he can make his own decisions regardless of the fallout.

Don't think there is anything medical - he's always been an impatient man.
As to who wants to babysit him/does he want to be babysat.

My sister is the one driving and enabling all this as my mum has vacillated between being checked/engaged for a number of years now (nothing wrong with her brain or hearing - i think she just doesn't like him much most of the time - she seems to like him more when he isnt there ;-) )

I would say he probably enjoys being the centre of attention as long as the babysitter is compliant and non controversial (not me or my partner - we can only cope with him by largely ignoring him in diluted situations).
It's a co-dependant and deeply toxic situation that has been going on for years and I try and stay as uninvolved as i can.
I just wanted a reality check as i suspect my sister is in full drama enabling mode but cant sustain it without co-opting some help.

Still crazy here. Ds was in A&E on Sunday night and has been off school all week. SS commissioned new carers who have a good rating but so far haven’t been able to turn up at the correct time and claim they don’t have time to use the air fryer or work out how to use it despite me telling them and there being a very simple instruction leaflet next to it. Juice looks like it’s water that’s been threatened with squash and tea milk that’s been threatened with a tea bag so they don’t get drunk and mum ended up with a UTI. The new agency has told me today that they can’t actually do what they’ve been commissioned to do. I told them to phone social services to sort it out. It’s not my problem to sort. The evening carer turned up at 3pm to cook a meal. Two hours after lunch and was a man when mum has specified no men. Quite alarming to find a random man in the house at a time you are not expecting anyone to be there.
The increased confusion might be down to the UTI so I’m hoping when that clears that mum returns to her usual
self. I’ve been totally broken this last week. Ended up calling 999 because my heart rate was around 130 and wouldn’t slow down no matter what tricks I tried accompanied by lots of stuttering palpitations. I’ve now got propranolol from the GP if it happens again. The new pain relief didn’t do anything at all so mum is back on her usual and the specialist is phoning today to see what he can do. A sibling is visiting this weekend (twice in one year!!!) and evil aunt so I can have the weekend off. Hopefully. Aunt normally creates more work by rearranging cupboards and I have to put them back to normal.

@Dormitwhen I was discussing the carers preparing DMs meals I was told they would only do microwaveable stuff or boil a kettle and put something in the toaster, I don’t know if it’s a standard carers agency thing maybe worth checking. A butcher’s near DPs does very good microwave ready meals that include vegetables, if only I could convince DF to stop thinking he can actually cook and let me buy 14 of them each week but his disorderly thinking and desire to retain control means this is of course impossible.

The tea and juice preparation could be cultural - most of DPs carers are not UK born so I believe we are the only nationality that can make a decent cup of tea ( I hope that doesn’t sound racist it isn’t meant to be at all).

I hope you manage to get a break this weekend.

I think it depends on the agency and the time allocated for the carer to complete all the tasks. My DF carers (paid not through SS) will fry or poach an egg, make toast or fried bread and warm soup on the hob as well as use the microwave. My Dad is pretty vocal (verging on rude, DH has told him off about how he speaks to the carers before) when they don't make stuff how he likes it.

@Dormit can your Mum tell them how she likes her cuppa and squash? Or do you think you need to spell it out and leave instructions for that too with a picture of a cup of tea with the right shade as an example? It isn't good that she isn't drinking and getting UTI's.

@countrygirl99 glad to hear about your DH's libre, hopefully that will help him manage his sugars better.

They accepted the commission knowing that she doesn’t eat ready meals except on the odd occasion. A lot of them don’t know how to boil an egg or make an omelet. They put open can in the fridge, don’t cover food, don’t wash their hands, and yesterday the carer used a duster and the used washing up water to wipe the sides. Mum doesn’t like to complain but I’ve told her she needs to tell them to remake the drinks if they aren’t right. She’s saying about paying privately for carers to make sure she gets better quality. The good news is that she has a surgery date for the new year which is fantastic news. She’s also sounded much better on the phone today and is upset that Socisl services are messing up with the care agency and I’m having to deal with it all.

Carer issues aside, it is all about the relationships. I wrote a big post then deleted it - even here, some circumspection is good, it's public after all. Very lucky compared to a lot on here, but also, very well aware we only get so many "good years". Feeling a bit depressed RN.

@StillNiceCardigan how did you get her to go to a day centre? Any tips? My elderly REALLY needs to get out of the house and have social interaction that's not the carers, or me (her complaining about the carers and trivial stuff), or her medical appointments.

@NattyKnitter116 knee replacement is a big job, but it's not about that, is it, really, it's about whether his brain works well enough to keep himself safe. I've had a couple of friends have knee replacements but they were all 60s and 100% in the commonsense department.

@Dormit I don't know any care agency carers who would boil an egg or make an omelette. That's going to need a food safety certificate for insurance reasons, and isn't really a reasonable request for a carer. Microwave meals are different, as their safety is assured if you follow the instructions on the packet.

I think if you want that level of catering, you will need to pay (more) for a private, fully qualified person.