Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

She's in her 30s and your parents are in their 70s. Your parents aren't going to suddenly change their ways at this stage of their life, and realistically your sister is unlikely to either. She's never known anything different.

Unfortunately that puts everything on you, and it'll almost certainly have a detrimental effect on your relationship with your parents as they get older. You need to tell them your position one final time, and get them to remove your responsibility for their estate.

Perhaps a family crisis meeting with all your siblings around the table is the way to go? Would they put on a united front with you?

If that doesn't work, there's nothing else you can do.

It's worth pointing out though, that whatever your opinions of your sister, the impact when your parents need to move into care and eventually pass is going to be huge. She'll be hurting just like you, only she'll have lost her entire support system, regardless of who's fault that is.

Keep saying NO and also say much more than that.

State firmly that instead of asking you they should be consulting with social sevices to help their DD access facilities that she will have to engage with as they get older.

Remind them that they are getting older and asking for help more often. This indicates to you that they are being negligent; they are not teaching your sister to live as independently as she can. They are facilitating her vulnerability.

Do some back ground research and collect contact phone numbers of organisations which do offer sercices that your sister could use. Taxis, Ubers, food delivery, shopping services, mobile personal carers, hairdressers, laundry services etc. Offer these as ideas to your parents when they ask for help. They can either teach their disabled daughter more life skills or teach her how to access services.
Keep sharing job opportunities that your DS could manage too, as if you believe in her capacity to do more.

I say again: the OP should not involve herself with physically helping them so many hours a week or whenever they ring her.

She will, however, make life easier for herself by organising someone to help them in the house - there is a new type of job now - housekeeping carer - someone who is prepared to do anything required of them.

The OP doesn't have to do any more than find someone to do that. If the family don't want that, won't employ them, then the OP has done enough to be able to have an easy conscience. Then they are on their own.

Personally, I won't have family telling me what to do. I employ privately. I can call the shots then.

Hi llizzie - can you point me in the direction of any of these groups where you can find carers and support staff? Do you know of anywhere you can find a private advocate for someone with speech disorders?

Just to add, I have been searching very hard for someone for a long time now but have largely given up. Sorry to hijack the thread. I could do with some other help for other things too.

This is a very difficult situation for you op. It does sound like your parents are hoping you’ll step in to help your sister as they get older. However, this is your life and you should not feel pressured to fill that role. As others have said, you need to have the conversation with your parents and make it clear to them what you will and won’t do. They need to start making plans for external help for your sister if necessary that doesn’t involve you.

The OP doesn't have to do any more than find someone to do that. If the family don't want that, won't employ them, then the OP has done enough to be able to have an easy conscience. Then they are on their own.

Why does the OP need to find such a person? Her parents and sister are fully capable if that's what they want. And if the family don't want it (which it sounds like they don't) what's the point?

OP says she's happy to help her parents. Her sister refuses outside help.

Yep. I mean, she actually doesn't have to do anything at all. Not a thing.

I still think she should move away.

Just to say I’m still reading and processing, thank you all. About to do the school run but will come back later to answer some questions - also I think I have the bare bones of a strategy and would really appreciate people’s thoughts on it!

I have read your comments OP but not all of everyone else's - so apologies for any repetition.
some people in your sister's circumstances do employ a PA . You could maybe help with the sourcing of the first one - but not necessarily. Need someone to help with personal care, drive to appointments etc. Think she would have to pay them herself of course - but sounds as though the inheritance would cover that.
You could start sowing the seed of this idea with your parents and sister now….am sure you can generate a long list of the benefits of the idea!!

How is that easy? Uprooting an entire family, changing schools, finding new jobs, finding a new home, if they own their house then paying thousands of pounds to sell, move and pay stamp duty. You really don't think perhaps blocking 3 phone numbers might just be a bit easier than all that?

I didn't say it was easy. I said it was easiest. And it is.

Since OP did not at any time mention going non contact or imply that she wanted to, I didn't invent that solution for her.

You can keep going on and on and on if you like, but I'm perfectly contented with my opinion and what I've said.

Cheers.

There are a few private care agencies who offer this service, but they’re mainly live in positions and they cost a fortune, so it would depend on the resources Dsis has, which don’t sound like much. I’m a bit surprised at so many people suggesting that a PA would be better than a carer. Dsis would be her employer and if she can’t cope with her own life admin how on earth is she going to cope with the admin involved with that. I would have thought an assessment from social services would be the more appropriate first step for a combination of carer/home help services.

I’m 😢 reading this , in exactly the same position with my youngest .
I am worn out

Oh I understand. I’m stressed out right now trying to work out what to do .

Have you actually read the OPs posts in detail? Her parents (and sister) aren't worried about what happens in the future because they have decided that OP will take her sister in to her own home & her family will look after the sister.

OP has tried multiple times to arrange for various types of care and help but has been refused by both parents and sister. Historically she has shown empathy and lost out because of it - lost a job, lost a partner. She now has her own job, a partner and DC at school, but is still being expected to drop everything for the sister who she feels is capable of many of the things she's asking for help with.

Surely you could agree to help by overseeing or helping to arrange her care? Tried, and rejected.

I don't see any empathy here towards your sister or your parents. Seems to be a one way street - she has shown empathy & lost out, & where is theirs for her having her own family? You can have empathy fatigue, especially where it's all so one sided after years of giving & giving then expected to give more.

she's in the most unfair position. And so they are putting the OP into an unfair position, and refusing to even consider any solution other than OP dedicating her entire life to her sister.

I feel very sorry for you, and I would like to give you this advice. Note : we are nót in the UK, so it might be different from where you live. I know a family with 2 healthy adult children and one (also adult) child wit a severe handicap - state of mind of a 4 year old - very low intellectual capacity, doesn't read or write - behavioural issues - not a nice person - no social skills át áll - will never be capable of living independantly. At the moment this person spends time in day-center and some days at home with the parents, is also on several waitinglists for assisted living. Now what I want you to know is what the parents tell their healthy children : "if unexpectedly something happens to us, don't take your sibling in! Not even for a week-end, not even for a day. Because that would be a signal to authorities to consider she's taken care of and not needing assisted livingfacilities. Let me also tell you that the healthy siblings just finished university, are starting their adult lives, relationships, jobs etc. The parents, knowing all too well how much of a handful their other child is have chosen to not impose that burden on their two eldest. Taking care of the handicapped sibling is a full-time job, the parents are willing to pay for good care, but will not accept their other children suffer as much as they themselves do. " I wanted to let you know this, so you can look into the juridicial implications of whatever you decide.

OP, perhaps you could try asking your parents to agree to improve her capability by trying out leaving it to her on a couple of specific occasions. Obviously not medical appointments etc, but something she wants for herself, for example concert tickets. She might deliberately sabotage the first effort and fail to go to the concert (and sulk accordingly), but it would be interesting to see if the woman with a degree and internet access is willing to miss out a second time.

I’ve read your thread but haven’t had time to reply, if I have understood correctly your sister has a physical disability which means that she needs practical help on a day today basis getting around washing dressing et cetera but does not have a learning disability, which means that there are lots of things that she could do without physical limitations like making phone calls and booking concert tickets, etc. your parents have babied and enabled her to the point that she claims she can’t do these things and needs help with day-to-day life admin.

If I’ve understood correctly, then your parents are doing her a massive disservice by allowing her to remain child-like, and you absolutely should not be taking on these responsibilities for her.

Speaking as someone with a significant physical disability your parents are holding her back from the life that she should be able to lead, By allowing her to avoid day-to-day life admin, they are potentially making her anxiety worse.

You’re doing absolutely the right thing to stand your ground.

Or she can just keep saying no and refusing to engage with them on the subject. She doesn’t ’have’ to do anything more than that.

the op doesn't have to do the finding either. The OP can refuse to do anything.

I find that saying something like that is cruel. What sort of world do you live in?

No one HAS to do anything they are not employed to do, but that isn't the point, is it?

I thought there were a lot of heartless people out there, but to see it in black and white is alien.

That some people can actually not only feel cruel, say cruel things but actually write them down shows just how much the world is deteriorating and why there is so much mental illness in the world.

So you, in similar circumstances would do nothing to help them, emigrate and have nothing more to do with your family and just go sailing off into the blue yonder and forget your DP ever gave you life?

Is life worth nothing to you.

No one is an island in this world. God made us like him - creators. We make new lives ourselves. We should try to make a society together, be social. Whatever happened to 'honour your father and mother that your life may be long in the land?' Isn't that supposed to mean something?

If you detach yourself completely, chances are your life will have no meaning.

juridicial?