Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

Ah that sounds horrible. Sadly it happens far too often, the neglect of people in hospital ending up dehydrated or worse. It happened to someone in hospital locally, they had suffered from extreme ME for decades.

So the OP's children should lose their home, their school and their friends all because the OP's sister is a selfish brat and her parents are enablers? Or she could just be a lot less available to the three of them?

No they "shouldn't" have to do anything. It's just the easiest solution.

I have to say that I am surprised by the responses to this post. It must be so difficult for your parents worrying about how your disabled sister will cope when they are no longer around. Whilst I agree that her care shouldn't be your sole responsibility, I don't see any empathy here towards your sister or your parents. Surely you could agree to help by overseeing or helping to arrange her care? In your parents position I would be minded to leave her the bulk of any inheritance to put towards her care. I appreciate that it's not your fault that you have a disabled sister, but neither is it hers and she's in the most unfair position. I think that part of the issue is that you simply do not like your sister. That seems evident from your post. It's a shame that you're not closer to her.

I was going to suggest looking at Shared Lives too. However, Op's sis sounds fairly capable, and Shared Lives is for people who are markedly disabled (primarily, learning disabilities although other disabilities are said to come under the umbrella, even if this is rarely the case).

Shared Lives addresses the care of people who would otherwise find themselves in a care facility, so there has to be a recognised and substantial need by the authority.

It sounds like your parents have killed her with kindness and made her very entitled and helpless.

They have created this situation, and perhaps it’s time now for you to sit them down and tell them (kindly) a few home truths, and how they really need to start to rectify the situation and stop mollycoddling her, and that she is quite capable and will need to be for her own sake in the future.

This

We don't even know that being cared for by her sibling is what the disabled sister wants. I can't imagine it is in her best interests to be reluctantly cared for by a sibling who does not like her or want the responsibility, as that person will not provide good care. Empathy can't fix that fundamental fact, and it is better to be honest now so that neither sibling ends up in a situation that is likely to damage them both.

The parents are failing both their children here by not talking about it directly and putting arrangements in place that consider the wishes and capacity of everyone, instead of crossing their fingers and hoping that OP will take on the care if something happens. Sometimes, parents in this situation deliberately avoid it because they think if a crisis happens, the sibling will do it by default because they are left with no choice.

The parents are responsible for the position both OP and her sister find themselves in, and they have the power to resolve it. Empathy for the ostrich parents is in short supply here, I'm afraid.

Where we can agree is that they need to adequately financially provide for the sister's care via their estate, if there is no family care option.

Nope. Fair, unfair, doesn't matter.

She doesn't want to. So that's that.

It's not a shame she's not closer to her, at all. It's what the OP wants as she doesn't like her. Such is life.

There's a strange misunderstanding around the concept of empathy. Being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes does not mean you will agree with, like or want to help that person. It just means you understand their point of view. OP understands and has decided not to live her life doing what her parents and sister want her to do.

Try to be more compassionate towards people who aren't willing to be told how to spend their lives. Or don't. Either way, OP won't be doing this.

And OP - you've already been down this road. It didn't work. Stick to your guns. I really think you should move away.

"But I have already done a lot for her, made huge sacrifices for her - right down to losing a job because she was phoning me multiple times a day and I couldn’t get my work done, and losing my first serious relationship because he didn’t like her and I was insisting on including her in our life. I have done it all, and I am no longer willing to.

And actually the behaviour that I find difficult (the weird creepy intrusiveness and the manipulation, and the lack of consideration or acceptance of other people’s needs) DO NOT result from her disability. Our parents have done her no favours by allowing/enabling it, but none of it is an inevitable result of her disability.
It is possible to be both disabled and not a nice person. If she was not disabled I would probably have cut her off years ago."

I'm disabled. I have hidden - unseen - extras. People look at me and wonder why I use a wheelchair. Even some carers in the past have thought I could do more than I can. You actually cannot tell by looking at people how disabled they are, even if they wear splints. Sometimes you get afraid to smile and laugh with some people, because they think you can make a better effort.

I put up with it. There is no way I would look completely dependent. I have done far too much to lose my independence to family and friends. I do think that your DPs should have help looking after your DS - but from outside the family and pay for it. Your DP should realise that. Perhaps they have made her dependent on them because they wanted to keep control?

I get benefit. If I pay someone, I call the shots. Perhaps your DPs are afraid of that? Perhaps DS would rather pay someone else? I certainly wouldn't want my siblings to take me over, nor would I ask the SS either. I pay my carers privately, and really, that is what should be happening with your DS and DPs.

Local social services are NOT free in most areas of UK. If they are now, they won't be for long. They use agencies which charge very highly, and employ carers on minimum wage. The charge on the council budget is the difference between what the agencies charge them and the wages of the carer, because that is passed on to the client. I meet my carer's half way, paying them just a bit less than the agencies charge me when I have to use them.

The SS provide help you have to pay for - by the quarter hour. How much do you think someone can do in that short time to help anyone? ALWAYS find someone privately - who is self employed, with qualifications in care, insurance, have their own car which is also covered. Also, make sure they have a visa/permit to work in UK. Don't be afraid to ask. You have to. The law expects you to. They also have to be registered with the police as far as committing crimes are concerned and for going into other people's homes. You can get all that online once you have their name and details, and car registration number. They should give you all that so you can check. They can also print all that off themselves and give it to you, together with their driving licence to show their driving history. It takes minutes, so is no arduous task. If they do not give it, don't employ them.

There are facebook groups with ads for carers and cleaners. They will give you their details when you ask them to interview. They need work. You can place ads on these groups yourself if your family cannot. Just give your postcode or the town and you will get messages from those who are close enough.

If your DS doesn't receive UC and PIP she must apply for them. If your DPs are having physical and mental problems, they should apply for AA. All that can be applied to paying for outside independent help - privately. If you pay a bit more, they will be a lot kinder than those earning minimum wage and rushing about.

Your ds and dp will have to pay someone. It is very important. I know if I am without help due to holidays etc. I go downhill quite fast. There are people who really love to look after others, and love their work. They would have no way of fulfilling their vocation if there was no one to look after. If they are appreciated, they will stay for years. Find someone with other work, perhaps courier, who meet other people. Be flexible. Don't demand they come at the same time all the time unless they want to do that.

The only burden on you is to make sure they do all that and pay for it. You can always treat them to groceries or repairs if you think they may be short. It is surprising, though, what you can budget for once you realise that paying a carer privately is important.

That isn't enough. OP has to show interest by discussing how to employ help with them and insisting they take it.

The issue is the sister and parents have closed minds to anything changing. They do not listen to what the OP has been saying for years.

No, she doesn’t. She doesn’t to engage them on the topic or do anything on their behalf at all.

That is what families do. It seems to me that the DS and DP cannot work out a future themselves, because they have too many issues.

I think OP should help them by organising some private help - definitely no social workers. Someone has to verify who and where that help will come from, and only the OP can do that and know they are safe. That is organisation work and may be tiring and physical at first, but the op should be responsible for that side. Once OP starts physically helping, she is lost, so the sooner some help is organised, the better.

Oh, fuck that. ‘It’s what families do!’ - not if they don’t want to it isn’t. OP has said no, that’s it.

Her parents failure to make a realistic plan does not mean she’s obliged to inherit the burden they wish to impose on her. It’s not her problem.

If you can organise outside help - privately, you won't have to keep on and on at them. In my other post I have explained why.

I think you should start looking for help ASAP, before you get dragged into something that will do you no good, and possibly a lot of harm. Only you can do that and be sure they have the right help. You have to put your foot down.

I don't actually think you will have that much difficulty. If your DPs have been caring for her for so long, they know full well the burden it is, so although they might not like it at first, they know you cannot live your own life and theirs as well. You have to ignore any resistance like that, playing on your heartstrings.
I don't think they would want to be beholden to you anyway, why would they?

They have been in charge all their lives, why do you think they would want you to be? Impress on them that once they find someone suitable, they call the shots.

Then you are in the best position to organise someone to help them privately. If you involve the social services, they will become so involved in all your lives you will regret it.
They could possibly become like the wards of Chancery in Bleak House. (only kidding)

I believe more solicitors are advising on how to make wills so that the house is not sold to pay for care and one person left to find a home.

There is one particular law firm who have started advertising on TV.

Do they have a cleaner/home help?

That's such a truth, that anyone can be disabled at any time. When I went to bed one night I was reasonably fine. When I got up in the morning my legs didn't work.

A spinal tap diagnosed a viral attack on the central nervous system.

We never know, do we?

The idea is to use the PIP to pay someone privately. That is what it is for. I know the DWP say we don't have to spend it on care, but I think that is because they get fed up with people reporting things.

I spend all my benefit and more on help personally and otherwise. They make my appointments to suit their time. I have proved it is the right thing to do, because when they are away on holiday or whatever, I go down fairly fast.

Disability benefits are not means tested so private finance is not taken into account.
Only means tested benefits are affected by income. It is always so much better to pay for independent living.

When I read posts like this I tend to think that the elephant in the room - post room - is the reluctance to part with money to pay someone to clean, cook, care for those who need help.

There are self employed cleaners and home helps in their thousands spread around the country who need work, not just for money, but because they enjoy working in domiciliary care of one kind or another.

Those who need help can be just what people who need to care for someone need.
You can find them on the internet - on Facebook. There are numerous groups for finding a cleaner, carer, and advice groups. Join a group and put a post with your area code - not full postcode - saying what help you need and it doesn't take long. I have already posted so won't repeat myself, except to emphasise that contacting social services is not the way to go.

That is why actions speak louder than words. If OP sets up various interviews and they absolutely refuse to accept anyone, then OP can leave them to it without having issues of conscience.

You have to have tried before you can legitimately throw in the towel.

Wrong. See my other post.