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Elderly parents
Original poster

Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

478 replies

TralalaTralalee · 08/10/2025 11:46

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 09/10/2025 21:01

BestZebbie · 09/10/2025 20:36

It is very possible to have a degree (because 'adulting' is quite supported whilst at uni, especially with very helpful parents) but not to have enough executive function to live fully independently though.

She could also have had an organisational capacity at 18 that she no longer has (whether through lack of use or changing physical needs affecting fatigue, etc).

Show quote history

Agree. But I think it’s important to rule out learned helplessness first. Trying not to be judgemental because after all we can only go on information from the OP but from what’s been said here, it does sound very much a case of doesn’t want to rather than can’t where life admin is concerned, and there seem to be significant care needs which I would think are the priority.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/10/2025 21:05

ThatRareHazelTiger · 09/10/2025 20:21

My mum had plans for my now deceased sister to live in a type of support /sheltered accommodation. Also your parents might be entitled to respite care. You could help parents. By finding out what options are available from your council. Good luck

Why should she?
It isn't her problem to solve!

Barney16 · 09/10/2025 21:12

Oh OP this sounds hard and tbh your sister doesn't sound very nice. Carry on saying no. If your mum or dad rings up with requests for your sister just refuse to engage. I have a somewhat tricky mother and started to use really stock phrases " mum, as I have explained before I'm not going to discuss this with you" worked in the end.

BananasFoster · 09/10/2025 21:17

I’ve seen this numerous times. MIL even tried to push a disabled relative onto us at one point.

My friend had this issue with his cousin. His aunt desperately wanted him to take her son on, but him and his wife work full time with children and had no room or time or desire to do it.
Towards the end of her life he was moved to some supportive housing and my friend takes him out once a week and advocates for him. Everyone is happy how it’s going.

Dymaxion · 09/10/2025 21:19

I would keep repeating;

'she has managed to get a degree, so is perfectly capable of managing to do it, there is absolutely no need for you to do it for her Dad, and I am not going to do it either. If it is that important to her she will manage, and if she doesn't, it can't be that important'

Orpheya · 09/10/2025 21:43

You can keep saying No.
Is the sister mentally capable, despite being disabled. If she is adult and mentally capable, all you got to do is spell it to her. - Our parents are ageing, sort yourself out, because as you live with them, you got to look for them one day and for your own self.

WearyAuldWumman · 09/10/2025 21:43

TralalaTralalee · 08/10/2025 12:44

Thank you all - I have had many many blunt conversations with my parents and every time they pretend to understand, pretend to agree, and then carry right on as before with constant requests that I help her!

I am realising that actually she gets some of her manipulative behaviours from them.

She is definitely capable of living independently, with some support. In fact she would be capable of having a job and supporting herself financially. They’ve just never made her - she’s significantly younger than me and I feel like she’s always been treated as the baby of the family, made worse obviously by her disability meaning she did genuinely need more care. Her default is a kind of ditzy “oh gosh I don’t know how to do it! Can’t you do it for me, you’re sooo much better at it, thank you!” that I find infuriating. I don’t know how to do everything either, I just figure it out.

Interesting about social services, yes I’m going to have to be very very clear with them as well.

One of my schoolmates was being lined up to be her elder sister's carer. (The elder sister was autistic.)

The parents refused to find a facility for the elder girl. They were obviously relying on the fact that they had two other daughters.

The father died. Then the middle girl and youngest were both diagnosed with serious illnesses. Only then did the mother agree to find appropriate supported accommodation for the eldest. By all accounts, she was gloriously happy there.

Delphinium20 · 09/10/2025 21:46

I really feel for siblings of disabled children whose parents show unfair expectations. I'm fully of the mindset that families help out to the best of their abilities, but everyone pitches in. In other words, 5-year-olds can bring their plates to the sink, 8-year-olds can wash dishes, tweens can make lunches and teens can mow lawns. My retired elderly father can't stand for longer than a few minutes, but he can make phone calls and use the internet, so he does my taxes for me, makes appointments for my house's upkeep while I make him dinner every night (he lives next door).

Your sister should have offered years ago to help her siblings with anything internet/phone related. It sounds like she's a taker, not a giver, which can't be good for anyone's self-esteem, so it's not surprising she's build her character on narcissism.

Have you ever considered asking your sister for help? Like, "I have kids, and am too busy to organize their summer camps. Can you look for them?"

ThatRareHazelTiger · 09/10/2025 21:52

I didn’t say I thought she should help. I just thought It might be a good solution to the problem. To help her parents make her sister more independent. to stop them nagging her to help.

Orpheya · 09/10/2025 22:02

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SueblueNZ · 09/10/2025 22:02

I suggest writing a letter to three of them - or one for her, one for parents. Give it to them at the end of one of your visits, then say you will not be seeing them for X days as you need time for yourself and your family. Emphasise you will only be available during that time for a genuine emergency which they would need to text you about. Don't answer the phone to them.
In the letter/s repeat all you have told them for years and say you need them to fully understand and respect your boundaries. Perhaps start by explaining your aspirations for your sister, that you would like to see her living independently, getting a job that suits her limitations, using her degree, etc. In particular, explain the need for her to gain some independence now so that she can cope when her parents are no longer around - when you will NOT be providing her with any more care than you are now.
At the moment they are hearing but they are not listening. Seeing the situation on a page might make it sink in a bit.

Orpheya · 09/10/2025 22:05

And not being sarcastic, but she will easily find a cock lodger, once your parents go and she inherits. Even if he is a cocklodger and finances their lives, at least he can be the man and help her

ProudCat · 09/10/2025 22:06

Hmmmm.

My adult son, in his 30s, has two sisters. His condition is life limiting and life threatening. Here's the deal, they're available in emergencies, and I mean when he's in intensive care. The rest of the time, they see him like they would any other sibling, i.e. rarely. They both live relatively close to him, within 30 minutes. They all love each other and everything. It's fine.

He's independent with a hefty support package, like 30 hours a week. Me and hubs (his dad) pick up the rest. We've arranged everything with adult social care so if anything happens to us then it'll be ok. He has stable housing. Everything he needs. We've worked hard to make sure he has all the stuff.

I'd never dream of asking my girls to take on his care. Neither would he. They've got lives.

SueblueNZ · 09/10/2025 22:07

As I understand , your sister does not want non family looking after her. She wants just close relatives doing it but for her age this really should be a husband. There are couples like that. Let her get married and stop expecting the extended family to take responsibility

Did I just read this? In 2025?
And with her entitled attitude, what a fine catch she'd be for some poor sod!

MrsJeanLuc · 09/10/2025 22:10

TralalaTralalee · 08/10/2025 17:42

They’re in their 70s - some things are definitely getting harder for them, and I do want to help them, but so many of the things they’re trying to do are actually for her and I have no desire or willingness to help her do things that she could do for herself.

Yes I think you’re right - i feel like I’ve been repeating myself for ten years now so I was hoping for some kind of magical mumsnet solution, but I guess just constantly trotting out the same responses is the only thing I can do.

They're in their 70s? OMG I thought they were late 80s at least from the way you were talking. I am 67 and I don't rely on my daughter at all, and hope not to for many years to come

I don't have any more advice to offer op except to confirm you in your choice that this is not your problem to resolve and that you need to reiterate your independence Every. Single. Time. As in " ok dad, you can do it for her, but who will do it when you're gone?"

Orpheya · 09/10/2025 22:17

FairyBatman · 08/10/2025 13:06

To be honest, if you parents can’t cope with meeting her needs you might need to try and involve social services to try and get their support in place before your parents become completely unable.

They will all fight you on it and be very cross with you about it, but what choice do you have?

This is not the job or business of the poster

Troubadourr · 09/10/2025 22:22

Please do not end up like my poor Dad in the future. He is 60, approaching retirement and spends most of his week scurrying around after his disabled sibling, often driving 4 hour round trips several times a week alongside running his business. My aunt also has no intellectual disability but has a physical disability and has developed mental health issues as a result of her challenges in life.

My grandparents who are still alive but very elderly have taken the same approach as your parents. They have made inadequate provisions for her care in later life. His other two siblings have asserted they have done enough over the years; they have said that they will help in an emergency but the onus has fallen on all of them for so long. Please do not end up like my Dad who believes that his hands are now tied. It is making me concerned for his health and well-being, in particular his stress levels.

Toptops · 09/10/2025 22:23

Honeybunny75 · 08/10/2025 14:10

Have any of you commenting got
Any idea how hard it is to get assisted living for a young person.???
We have been through this with my eldest
Firstly both parents have to agree that they will basically kick him him out .then social services becomes involved
The young person has to go to a panel to say how much they want the assisted living place and basically beg for it ..the people on the panel then decide if the young person gets the place or not
After finding out their parents are kicking them out ..and the young person just wants to stay with parents,it's very hard for them to then have to lie to say they want the place when they don't
Whilst all that happens,you actually have to have a place available..of which there simply aren't any .
So the next option is a council flat with a 9 hour package a week of social services care ..but no way could he manage the rest of the time alone ,it would be a huge safety risk.
Add to all this ,in our situation,is a young person with learning disabilities and autism..who has never even left the house independently ..always has a family member with them .
So we fell at the first hurdle, because my husband refused to say to social services that he was kicking our son out of his home .
The second failure was there was no actual assisted flat available
The third failure was our son got very distressed at the entire idea and refused to even engage in discussing it .
He is currently 26 ,so we will try again in a few years ,when he's hopefully more mature.. except we now don't actually have a social worker, because apparently we don't need one .
There are no services anywhere near us ,...not a day center or anything he could get involved in ... obviously he's medically signed of work permanently, because if you need to be in assisted living,your not going to manage working independently.
The system is not set up to help people,
Thank god my son has a sister,who will help him ...but obviously we need him settled some where with support before we die ..
But it is incredibly difficult trying to get that support

This describes the reality of the alternatives out there better than any other - albeit for a younger person. But the reality for older disabled people is the same.
My mother, who died at a great age a few years ago, did me huge favour. Whenever she spoke to (shouted at, she was deaf) social services she said, very forcefully, that her daughter was not able to look after her - I lived locally but worked ft and had my own family to care from. (My sister lives many miles away.)
I did look after her, but as a daughter not a carer and we both benefited from this in her final years.
I sympathise enormously with your situation. Hold fast, you know what is best for you and your family. Good luck.

Ilovemyshed · 09/10/2025 22:28

OP you can resign the POA if you choose. Form LPA005.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 09/10/2025 22:28

ThatRareHazelTiger · 09/10/2025 21:52

I didn’t say I thought she should help. I just thought It might be a good solution to the problem. To help her parents make her sister more independent. to stop them nagging her to help.

If she gives an inch, they'll take a mile.
It's best to refuse to do anything at all.
They're all capable adults.

thegifttaegieus · 09/10/2025 22:48

TralalaTralalee · 09/10/2025 08:17

That’s actually a great way of putting it, thank you. I can look out for her - ie help in a genuine crisis, check up on her occasionally- but I’m never going to agree to being responsible for her.

Show quote history

I do think the best solution is just to move away. Given everything you have said they are not going to relent. At some point you will be in the position of being hassled by your sister and social services and it will turn into a bit of a bunfight. Why put yourself in that position?

Moving is a stress, but far less of a stress than what you are describing or your sister being dumped at your doorstep - metaphorically or maybe even literally.

Moving away wil make it clear to them all that it is absolutely off the table. They believe they can force you to comply. Remove yourself completely from the discussion by removing yourself physically from them.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 09/10/2025 22:49

I'm curious how often you speak to or call or text both your parents and your sister? Of visit in person. Because it sounds like the answer will be way too often!!

Stop being so available. Even to them being able to ask. You don't need to immediately answer calls or texts. Unless there's a medical emergency waiting at least 24 hours before responding every single time they get in touch gives you time to slow down their manipulation, time to think how to respond and just generally time to breathe. And by the time you reply it will probably be sorted and if it hasn't then tough.

It may be worth looking on your council's "local offer" website. Find the page for adult disability support services. See what support is available just so you know and are familiar with it.

You could also send them the link any time either your sibling or your sister asks for help. "I can't help, here is some avenues of support if you or sis are struggling." Grey rock them with the same sentence and website link each time you are asked to help in a way you are unwilling to.

k1233 · 09/10/2025 22:50

kakakakak · 09/10/2025 11:09

I have a neighbour - relatively physically disabled since birth. They are pretty self-involved and entitled at times, narcissistic almost. Being disabled doesn’t automatically make people kinder etc.

One tactic, is, whenever they ask you to do something e.g. over the phone asking you to book tickets and buy clothes for her, literally don’t respond. Just ask a different question, always the same question, eg. “how is the cat”? If they protest that you haven’t answered the question, just say “I’ve already told you many many times that I’m not doing that kinda stuff for my sister”. Next time they ask you to do something, say “how is the cat“? Or budgie or some other random question, but always the same question. They will get the message.

It’s interesting that an example you give, your father gets angry with you. Quite unfairly. However, are you allowed to get angry? After all, they keep asking you to do what you’ve told them you will not do. As they say, why don’t you “lose your shit” with them?! Why is it that they’re the only ones who get to be disapproving, rude or angry? Sock it to them!

If you are dealing with this every day OP I would say you are very overtly enmeshed with all your family, including your parents. (I think some enmeshments can be more covert). It is quite a difficult thing to distance yourself in this way. There are many ways to lay down boundaries. There are physical boundaries. There are also inner, psychological boundaries. Getting angry is asserting a boundary. Refusing to do something is a boundary. Ignoring is a boundary. Distancing yourself is a boundary. However, you do have to be prepared to deal with their displeasure and disapproval, and this can be upsetting as we have to be prepared to rock the boat and deal with anger and negativity from those who are meant to love us. And some of these family behaviours are very well ingrained. You might need therapy to help support you to enact them. Or, as another poster suggested, move further away. I moved 100 miles away from my family (still deal with them once a week on the phone which is enough).

Edited

I'd be more direct. They ask OP to arrange tickets and buy an outfit. Respond "sister is capable of achieving a degree, she is capable of booking a ticket and buying clothes"

Repeat every time. Sister is capable of getting a degree, so she is capable of booking a dental visit, booking a taxi etc

Spell it out. You will not assist with things she is capable of doing herself or is capable of learning to do herself. She has shown she can learn, she has a degree. Day to day tasks are not a mystery and she needs to practice to become proficient at them. You will not help or do them for her.

NellieElephantine · 09/10/2025 22:53

k1233 · 09/10/2025 22:50

I'd be more direct. They ask OP to arrange tickets and buy an outfit. Respond "sister is capable of achieving a degree, she is capable of booking a ticket and buying clothes"

Repeat every time. Sister is capable of getting a degree, so she is capable of booking a dental visit, booking a taxi etc

Spell it out. You will not assist with things she is capable of doing herself or is capable of learning to do herself. She has shown she can learn, she has a degree. Day to day tasks are not a mystery and she needs to practice to become proficient at them. You will not help or do them for her.

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This

Enough4me · 09/10/2025 23:09

OP let go of the emotions. You could spend the rest of your life imprisoned by this situation but it is one of your making.
Simply stop being part of any discussion about caring for your sister beyond the finances.
Change your thought process to anything beyond the finances being impossible; not something you can, will, should, could do... no compromise, no middle ground. Just, "I do the finances".
You need to change first before your sister and parents will accept you've changed. While you torture yourself with guilt they can see there may be an option to manipulate you.