Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

It just shows that with your dad's view of your 'obligations' nothing was ever going to change without you specifically stating your boundaries. It's interesting that only you have these 'obligations' and not your brothers. Is this due to geography or gender? Either way it's not fair. It's good that you've got your siblings and partner on board supporting you. Certainly don't answer calls or respond to their messages when you're at work. Sounds like it's best to get regular carers in. Do they know where to access this? Will your parents need a financial assessment from the social to get carers in place? Will your sister need to claim PIP? Carers usually do 4 visits daily, so will your sister need to access incontinence wear, via GP referral, if she can't get to the toilet without help? It's going to be a major shift for them to negotiate and find alternative support.

Thank you all :)

Yes I think my brothers had a real “oh shit” moment of realising how bad it got and that if we didn’t all stand up to this eventually I would snap and move abroad or something and then it would all be on them.

And DH has been encouraging me for years to break free of all this and is delighted I’m finally managing it and saying he would have told me to post on Mumsnet years ago if he’d realised I needed that validation from strangers.

This has been a really helpful thread and has given me the push/confidence to deal with this ridiculous situation, thank you to everybody who has commented :)

...............and he suggests she seeks therapy, which honestly I felt was a bit harsh and DH had to really intervene to stop me from backing down and being conciliatory at that point.

Your brother is right, and your husband did well to stop you from backing down.

Basically I’m still scared of upsetting her, but I know that what my brother said was true.

Why are you scared of upsetting her though? Because she's going to be horrible to you, or because it makes you feel guilty?

This is, quite simply, sexism at its finest.

You've been nominated as Chief Carer because you're a woman. It isn't only because your brothers are further away, is it - it's because they're men, so shouldn't be expected to deal with caring stuff.

Your parents are bullys without an ounce of respect or regard for you.
Your father thinks he can dictate what you do.
Totally delusional.
Your brother is correct, your sister needs therapy, but your parents have raised an entitled monster.

I pulled back from my parents decades ago and my father had the cheek to call to my home and tell me I had no choice in the matter, that I was a part of the family. I was done with his narcissistic behaviour.
He was wrong. I simply never answered the phone again and moved house.

You need to decide do you want this life, or some peace?
It sounds like your husband is very fed up too.
73 requests.
So ridiculous.
You have to stick to your guns while you have time, not later when they are infirm.

Sounds like it's best to get regular carers in. Do they know where to access this? Will your parents need a financial assessment from the social to get carers in place? Will your sister need to claim PIP?

That's the sort of thing, @gardenflowergirl - and only if she really wants to of course - that OP could easily send them information about, so they can get care in place themselves

They'd probably just see it as provocation, but if it helped OP to feel she was doing something (without taking on the actual work herself) that might be all to the good

You posted this quite early in the thread @TralalaTralalee and you're absolutely right.

It is possible to be both disabled and not a nice person. If she was not disabled I would probably have cut her off years ago.

No.
The OP needs to stand back completely.
Her sister is mentally capable and can do this herself.
It isn't the OP's responsibility at all.

Giving your phone to your DH was sheer genius.

Have you considered getting a new phone and number and just leaving your parents/sister with the old number?

This will probably annoy people with ME/CFS/ Myalgia but it seems to me your Sis has some illness like this.

I have had these for 3 decades and have met so many people who allow these illnesses to become their "persona" and they are almost defined by them.
"Do you know Caroline?"
"No"
"Caroline with M.E.?"
"Oh, yes I know her"

and they stay in that lane as that then is "them".

Lordy me, they are boring and revel in their "helplessness". And they CAN come out of their lane, but it takes others not enabling them in doing sod all for themselves that in the long run will really help them.

Luckily, I also know loads with these kinds of illnesses who like me still work, do exercise when they can, go out and you wouldn't know until they tell you that they are suffering.

@TralalaTralalee you have been absolutely amazing. I mentioned before that we had to step back with a family member who as another poster put it was in this survival mode looking for connection and love and belonging and safety and all of the human needs but doing it as your sister and parents are doing it in completely dysfunctional and ways that lead to the exact opposite consequences. Behaviour does matter it really does. No one can have their needs ignored and their boundaries crossed forever more for any reason without serious consequences to their personhood.

As you found and as we found the whole situation is all about making the changes in you, no matter what pressure you come under and allowing them to continue on as they do until they start to get it.

In our case other family members are stepping in for the moment and good luck to them but all that does is enable the behaviour to continue until eventually that person gets worn out by the behaviour.

Your siblings have been great standing as a strong wall in front of the behaviour. I really admire how you have handled this.

Yes that’s a fair question - a bit of both really. Any upset is just such a drama, there are vague veiled threats around her mental wellbeing, and then my dad is angry and my mum is sad, and I have just learnt it’s better not to rock the boat or risk upsetting her. But obviously that allows this whole insane situation to continue.

Unfortunately my experience is that if I do anything, they want more. So if I seem to take on responsibility for finding out about carers etc then even if they hire carers it will be my job to manage them and arrange them.

I have offered to help them with this process but I don’t want to be in charge of it or telling them what to do.

Yes I think I may do something like that especially once the deadline passes as I think for a while there will be a lot of fake emergencies and I want to be able to ignore them when necessary.

I think that would be very wise.

Op you have had excellent advice on dealing with your family, and with other siblings you are not on your own with this at least.

i want to reassure there are safe and suitable placements for your sister if she can’t manage a normal rental herself. Generally social services can refer you to providers in the correct area. My dsd lives in such a place- 4 women, 24/7 care for the house then they get additional 1:1 based on needs assessment eg dsd has 16 hours a day 1:1 as very high needs but another lady get 4 hours a week as it’s just help with her paperwork for her conditions really that she needs assistance with but she needs to be in a secure place to live with oversight

Hi it’s not something like that - she has physical limitations that are very obvious on sight and are well understood medically. She does complain a lot of pain and tiredness which I just take at face value and assume is true.

oh my goodness OP! Isn't your DH an absolute legend...keeping a list of items...HOW MANY?!?!?!?!? I am staggered at the amount of 'tasks' they asked you to deal with and not 1 of them can see how demanding they are of you?!!?

And your DB's absolutely have your back; which is wonderful to see/hear.

I'm so glad you have support from your DH and DB's as this could be a quagmire that would suck you in forever.

It's a good job you decided not to go with three months, eh?

To be honest, they were never going to believe you, and true to form, they haven't, and they're still trying to get you to change your mind.

@TralalaTralalee Well done, I am so glad everyone has your back. Tell your DH he is a legend and get a new mobile number.

There is a Scottish phrase for this situation, 'act daft and you get a free hurl on the bus'.

What you describe is an abusive relationship to a T.
If this was a husband or partner we would recommend Women's aid and other domestic abuse charities.

You have adopted and modified your behaviour to manage your dealings with them.

This is an abusive, controlling, manipulative relationship.

You are so deep in FOG.
Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

This is how they have controlled you for decades.

Educate yourself.
I really think it will resonate with you.

Well done at @TralalaTralalee, I’m sorry the responses were as anticipated yet encouraged to see your brother speaking up.

Book something nice for you and your DH in December… a meal, a day trip somewhere festive etc. You will both deserve the change of scenery.

Well done, OP, and also your DBs and DH.

To those who keep suggesting that the OP help find carers etc, it seems that the sister has been physically disabled from birth so both she and her parents have has ample opportunity to put support in place. Both for the sister living her life now and also for her as her parents age and die.

I know a few people whose children have disabilities which mean they cannot ever live without support, and they all have put in place systems which ease their children into a place where they have lives independent of their parents and can achieve their fullest potential. It wasn’t always easy, sometimes emotionally very hard, but they looked to the future and made things as good for all their children as possible.

The OP’s sister and parents are capable of knowing what is needed and putting that support in place.

The OP has done more than enough already.

your DH is amazing, and your brothers are great, its fantastic that they have all got your back. I recognise the behaviours (your sister) as we have this in our family too. It is hard not to get pulled in.

Your dad's use of the word 'obligations' is very telling, particularly as the 'obligations' only seem to apply to you and not your brothers. You being born female and without the disability that your sister has doesn't mean that you will step into your parents' shoes in terms of your sister's care, either now or after they have gone.

They obviously feel some guilt about your sister's disability and so have infantalised her and pandered to her to an unreasonable extent with the expectation that you will pick up and do the things that your sister could do, but won't.

Your dad sounds like a sexist bully and I'm so glad that your DH and your brothers have your back. Your parents are being completely unfair to you and they risk you pulling away completely. I would find it very difficult to have a relationship with them after this.