Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

This reminds me of my youngest sister - not mentally disabled but very irresponsible and troublesome. My parents tried to guilt-trip me into being the Caring One when I was just a child. It’s a tradition in my family (on both sides) and many oldfashioned Irish families that the eldest girl is a second mother to the younger kids. Anyhow, Youngest Sis never really grew up. She has two kids of her own and - guess what? - her kids, especially her daughter, are cleaning the house, cooking, driving her home from the police station (yes, she has been arrested for violent disorder a few times) and dealing with her meltdowns. My advice to anyone in this situations is to go No Contact. Don't argue or explain. They won’t listen to you so don't waste your time.

Good for you op. Your siblings suggestion of shorting the time frame sounds wise.

You will really have to hold firm at the time deadline. Be ready for lots of calls, pleading, emotional blackmail, anger, etc. Just stay strong. It's great you have your other siblings support too.

Good luck x

Good luck.

OP, I think you have tolerated too much from your parents who are bullys.

I think also telling them that you will not be their executor would be eise. Let a solicitor do it.
It will only drag you into being the contact person.

They have created this situation by not insisting your sister help herself.

As a sibling it is not your place to become her personal assistant because that is how she was raised.

I think seeing a lot less of them would be wise.
They have spent years ignoring you and causing you stress.

Harden your heart and drop the rope.

I literally don't know how peoole end up giving so much to relatives or siblings ....

True. They are trying the relatives but also true op could just be quiet and not give it so much headspace

I'm very very religious yet God made it clear to me I'm only commanded to luve with my married spouse, God said: they are now one flesh and this is why Adam shall leave his mother and father and cling to his wife

The Bible never gave commands what you do with grown up siblings, only that you live for your new married life

I wouldn't even send an email. Will reject being will executor, will reject any poa and would just go radio silent.

Good luck OP. It sounds like a necessary intervention and I'm glad that your other siblings are supportive.

Usually what makes sense is for the main beneficiary to be executor - as long as they are at least competent to farm it out to solicitors. That way, if the solicitors drag their feet, they can take the job away from them and find someone else.
I knew of a situation where someone had made a solicitor an executor and they took ages and didn't keep the beneficiaries up to date - very frustrating.

Several posters told the OP it was OK for her to have nothing to do with her family if they are interfering with her life.

I said that was unking because no one is an island, that we were created to reproduce ourselves and therefore be creators ourselves, and I suggested it was not a good thing for us to detach ourselves from our direct family.

If some humanist atheist types want to call that a religion, they themselves are guilty of posting about their own religion. I do believe that atheism and humanism are classed as religions?

The exact phrase "no man is an island" is not in the Bible, but it comes from the writings of English poet John Dunne in 1624. The line is from 'Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions.

Atheism and humanism are not classed as religions.

The OP hasn't said anything about being religious, so your preaching isn't relevant. And you are derailing the thread by arguing about atheism and humanism. Stop it.

This isn’t the place to discuss religion, please start a new thread in an appropriate format. Derailing OPs thread is rude and not at all helpful to them.

Update if anybody wants it!

Sent the email.

As predicted the responses so far have been:

• my dad - angry - “you can’t just abandon your obligations!” - my eldest brother replied saying “Tralala has no obligations to you, and is an adult who does not live in your house or financially rely on you. She can do whatever she wants. If you keep pushing her she may walk away entirely.”

• my mum - sorrowful - thinks I’m exaggerating, doesn’t understand why asking for a little help would be a problem after everything they’ve done for us. My DH replied with a list (I actually didn’t know he’d kept this) showing everything they asked me to do during the month of September, there were 73 distinct tasks over a 30 day period. He was trying to keep the peace so said that as all 3 of them are asking me things separately they may not have realised how much it added up to. Then (less peacefully) said that only 23 of those were things he believed they actually need help with, and only 3 of those were things I will be helping with after the end of November.
• my sister - paragraphs about the “able bodied siblings” all discussing this behind her back, and she thought she was used to being excluded for her disability but this hurts worse than she’d imagined and her mental health is in a really dark place and she can’t deal with this. Second brother replied that she is not being excluded at all, that her disability does not account for or excuse her behaviour and that we are all tired of her attempts at manipulation and he suggests she seeks therapy, which honestly I felt was a bit harsh and DH had to really intervene to stop me from backing down and being conciliatory at that point. Basically I’m still scared of upsetting her, but I know that what my brother said was true.

There have also been lots of texts and voice notes which DH has been dealing with - he’s promised to tell me if they actually need help, and otherwise he’s just reiterating to them that the email is not up for discussion or negotiation.

Had a phone call from my dad - angry, accusatory, me just repeating “this is not up for negotiation” over and over and eventually saying “ok, call if me you need something, call me if you want to chat about anything else, but I’m going now, bye” and ending the call.

I'm so sorry this has been put on you OP, you sound lovely and you don't deserve to be put in this position or to feel guilty for being pushed to this. Well done for sticking to your guns; it must be hard, but it's great that everyone has rallied round. It's going to be rocky, but hopefully your life will get less stressful and it motivates your parents and sister to get professional, paid help.

Well done. Of course they're angry that their perceived servant will no longer wait on them.

Good on your husband. Good on your other siblings.

Thank goodness you have an excellent husband and brother who are protecting you - that is lovely to read!

I think the whole thing hinges on this sentence - my dad - angry - “you can’t just abandon your obligations!”

That sums it up. YOU have been chosen to care for your sister - end of (to your parents)

Wow. They should be ashamed, but of course wont be. My M is the same - we all have our roles in her mind and now I have stepped back from mine, phone calls from her to my brother "I must have been such an awful mother..." wah wah. By bro said "peopled is just fed up with your behaviour to her" (long story) but obvvs it wont ever be her fault 🙄

Glad you are stepping back. DON'T be lured back in, your H and bro have put their heads above the parapet for you (I LOVE that your H wrote down all those tasks and which ones were necessary etc, TOP MAN!!!) don't let them down by caving now.

You are doing great - it is hard for us people pleasers to change, but it is so good when we do!

Just carry on saying no. But it is in everyone’s best interests to push your sister to be more independent and do more for herself. Your parents won’t be around for ever and there’ll come a time when your sister will be on her own and will need to be able to cope to a degree……..that familiarity needs to start as soon as possible to make it a gentle transition rather than having to cope with bereavement into the mix.
Does she have a social worker that you can liaise with to get things moving?

@TralalaTralalee thank you for the update.

Your parents' response was predictable, wasn't it.

Your sister's was manipulative.

Thank heavens for your husband and brother.

Don't get sucked back in. Leave your sister to sort her carers out. She's perfectly capable but just can't get her head out of the dependent role which your parents have foolishly placed upon her.

Please don't give in. You'll never have a life of your own if you do.

Well done on sending the email. Do not feel guilty.

Had a phone call from my dad - angry, accusatory, me just repeating “this is not up for negotiation” over and over and eventually saying “ok, call if me you need something, call me if you want to chat about anything else, but I’m going now, bye” and ending the call

Very well done, @TralalaTralalee, and to your excellent DH and DBs too for their sensible and much-deserved support

The reaction is precisely what I expected and doubtless the "medical emergencies" will be coming soon, but you have your strategy well planned and the only thing is to stick with it

OP I just wanted to say you are awesome and your DH and sensible siblings are too.

Well done your DH for keeping a list - 73 requests is completely ridiculous.