Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

[TralalaTralalee]

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care.

Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support).

I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset.

Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

I’m sort I haven’t read all the thread but I wanted to reply to you asking how you can respond to / deal with the repeat conversations.

You describe your sister as manipulative, and your parents too. My response has to be: of course they are! You say it like it’s a bad thing or a character flaw. They are all trying to ensure your sisters ‘survival’ by getting you involved, that’s a very human response. Maybe if you can switch the way you see their behaviour you won’t be so angry with them / her, and you might find you are able to think more clearly about the situation.

this in no way means you have to do what they want of you. it might help you not to get distressed and angry.

Edited to delete duplicate post

That’s an interesting perspective, and yes I agree they have to find ways to get her physical needs met. It would make more sense to me if we lived in a time or place where the only option was that her female relatives provide that care, but I guess they feel like that’s the only acceptable option. I am trying to release some of my anger at them, and have made an appointment to see a therapist to just unpack some stuff which I hope will help my general feelings.

@llizzie I do appreciate your comments, just to confirm I definitely know exactly how disabled she is - I have been sitting in on her medical appointments for years, know exactly what treatments and medications she has. Obviously I don’t know how she feels, but I accept her at face value when she says she is tired or in pain as I have no way to judge that.

I do help her with physical care when necessary, but it would be much better for all of us in the long term for her to have reliable carers that she employs.

Thank you all for continuing to engage with this weird problem and giving me your thoughts, I really appreciate it!

Update is I have shared my draft email with the sensible siblings who have convinced me to shift the time frame so my deadline is now end of November, which gives them about 6 weeks, and gives me December to enjoy with my children - I anticipate they will step up the manipulation/requests but at least I’ll be saying no with a clear conscience.

I’m going to send the email later today and sensible siblings are going to reply to us all confirming that they agree and will also be following the same approach going forward.

And then we will see what happens!

I'm so glad that your other siblings are helpful and supportive.

I agree with them about shifting the timescales so that, hopefully, you will be able to enjoy Christmas, including all the planning, and making it about your children and not your sister.

Good luck OP.
I'm really interested to see what happens.

Re the "human response" thing, gonna say I don't think so. If they were genuinely trying to ensure survival, they would be looking into ALL the options and not just trying to load the responsibility onto another child. Its noticeable that the male children are not pressurised for instance. I would say that being manipulative to the extent that they are IS a character flaw because they appear to be blind to everything other than their chosen option. If that's a human response then its a pretty silly one. I would say that yes manipulating people instead of having honest and open conversation and negotiation IS a character flaw and is also a bad thing because its likely to make people withdraw instead of being willing to help. From what the OP has said, it seems that the parents and her disabled sib want all the input to be one way, the OP giving and the family taking. Its possible that the OP's sib has been taught (conditioned) to do this by her upbringing but either way is a flawed strategy because its not going to get her what she needs.

my very best wishes for a happy outcome.

@TralalaTralalee wishing you the best of luck for a good outcome. I think you've been very patient and cool-headed with a really frustrating situation.

I sympathise with your unenviable position and applaud your stance.
On the issue of whether your 'notice of inaction' should be 1 month or three, may I suggest you apply a slightly altered approach. It must be obvious to all that you are a bright, successful and determined woman who has been suffering familial abuse for decades. A weaker character than yourself and your partner would perhaps have folded already and accepted an unfortunate fate. I imagine you are already quite aware of most of the steps your parents and sister will need to make to achieve the correct care package that they can eventually accept as necessary. I would document these steps and give them a rigid objective timeline that guarantees your continuing assistance following month 1. If they are able to evidence that they are clearly making the contacts they will need and engaging with social services etc. during month 1 then you will be prepared to engage for another month with new expectations for the following period. If they fail to meet (or even attempt) month 1's expectations it will be clear they have not and will not believe in your eventual withdrawal from the process at which point you exit the process. A timeline will help focus their minds on short term targets and perhaps make the process more manageable and less scary.
My wife and I had a son with serious health issues and despite riding a wave of research driven, life extending surgical interventions, succumbed in his early teens. He lived his life to the full, within the boundaries his health allowed and we are so proud of the lasting positivity he created that friends and family still talk about nearly 20 years later. Your sister needs to consider that there is only this one life to live and perhaps she needs to live it for herself, and not by proxy.
My best wishes for you all.

Congratulations on your promotion OP and I think you’ve made a very sensible decision. Suggesting six weeks, then having time to focus on your immediate family before your job gets really busy is a great idea. Spend that time with your children in the run up to Christmas, enjoy the school events, spend time with your DH, do things that will make your life easier when you do get more going on at work.

Like every tough time in life this will end (in reaching distance as you've written to them) and in the long term you were never going to be able to be your sister's PA. They need to accept the reality that you already see.

Luck 🍀 helps for sure but so do balls of steel 🪙!
Wishing you both.
🩶

Best of luck OP - I think 6 weeks is plenty of time to assist (not do it for them!) in setting the ball rolling for the various things that need sorting.

It sounds like your sister is perfectly capable of sorting these things, so if they don't do it in that time frame, it's really not your problem in the slightest!

I also admire your very reasonable plan, @TralalaTralalee, and it's good that the "sensible sublings" are on the same page, but sadly I have to agree that all they'll hear is "She's still coming"

I'm also with you on expecting the manipulation to get worse, probably with dark hints about what her (or even their) medics have allegedly said and how you can possibly let them down "at a time like this"

I can't remember if you have POA for your sister, and if so there may be nothing to stop you checking any such claims, but really there's nothing else to do except stick to your plan. You've already seen that they take no notice at all no matter what you say, so sticking to it this time is something only you can do

stay strong op and get the alcohol in and therapy sessions booked to add another level of support… there will be fallout and that’s to be expected as they are not getting their own way and the usual tactics aren’t working.

Women are not born to be de facto carers for extended family, regardless of what history says… it’s a hard lesson for our parents to learn and tbh a hard lesson for us to learn too.. because we love our family we want to help, our boundaries get trampled on in inches and we don’t see it, until we do, and there’s no unseeing it. My outcome is lc , and I wish it were different but that’s on them not me

I am sorry you feel that way. My responses to the OP were of my own experiences, both as a disabled person and my profession.

What is wrong with my using anecdotes to illustrate a point? People look back on literature and life more often than you think.

All the things you say are religious are, in fact commonly used today. You don't like them for the reason that you are an atheist. I can understand that. There are people who believe only in humanism. I know that. I wish I knew why people put themselves above all else, then make a mess of their lives, or prefer to pull people to pieces whenever they get the chance.

I studied scripture, for years which showed me how much of what is written is still in use today. The laws of Britain are based on the commandments. Have you ever heard the expression about the weather ''red sky at night, shepherds' delight; red sky in the morning, shepherd's warning''? It is commonly said. Jesus taught us that. Have you used ''as per''... another from the Old Testament.

The point is that in the past people knew the Bible more, and the teachings became a way of life. You cannot deny them just because you are a humanist -or whatever you are - just because you lose an argument.

Anything good in life now is subjected to abuse from people who are determined to undermine others, especially anonymously. Why would you set out to make people unhappy? Freedom of speech does not mean that you can cause distress just for the fun of it.

What ‘argument’ has she lost, exactly? She offered her opinion, which isn’t something that’s negated because you don’t personally approve of it.

I’m not sure you want to point to a religiously observant past as some sort of lost golden age for human rights and community care when the reality was that the disabled were routinely institutionalized.

Trying to strong arm people into roles they don’t want to assume isn’t a recipe of happiness. That is not by any stretch of the imagination the definition of ’good in life’. Furthermore, not providing support for her sister or her parents does not mean she’s separated herself from society and is lacking human connection. She has her own family. She likely also has other relationships she has formed and built separate to the family she was born into. She’s far from doomed to misery.

Apologies for the slight derail, but I hate it when someone brings their religion into threads.

You may need to look on Scripture from a slightly different viewpoint than as a dedicated Christian, and check a few things for yourself rather than blindly accept the interpretations from one view point. Someone can be caring and empathetic (you refer to Humanists) without being Christian. And non-Christians don't particularly dislike being preached at and told their beliefs all come from your God - bear in mind that Christianity is a comparatively new religion based on Judaism with a few other beliefs poached from other religions of the time.

The laws of Britain are based on the commandments.

And the Commandments were based on common sense and laws of the day from various other countries. Just about the only specifically Christian thing in there is regarding worshipping the Jewish God, Thou shall not have strange gods before Me. Which sort of suggests even that there are other Gods! There's nothing else in the Jewish Commandments that were specific to them & not in common usage when they were codified.

It is commonly said. Jesus taught us that.

Actually in Matthew it says that "“You have a saying that goes, 'Red sky at night, sailor's delight; red sky at morning, sailors take warning." So Jesus didn't teach that, he just quoted a saying that was already common in his time that talked about a common observation.

Have you used ''as per''... another from the Old Testament.

As per comes from Latin. As the Bible was translated into Latin and widely used in that language until the 16th century, the odd Latin phrase can easily slip in. It wasn't actually used commonly in the English language until the 18th century.

That was not in answer to the OP.

do you think maybe we could get back to the subject of the thread which is NOT religion

I'm not going to argue with you. You are wrong on many counts, but if that is how you see things, fine. You go ahead and think them.

Have you used ''as per''... another from the Old Testament.

As per comes from Latin. As the Bible was translated into Latin and widely used in that language until the 16th century, the odd Latin phrase can easily slip in. It wasn't actually used commonly in the English language until the 18th century.

Thank you @Allergictoironing

Excellent update OP and so glad your siblings are standing alongside you and providing a united front. I think the end of November deadline is perfect, as you say it gives you December to focus on family/Christmas while potentially absorbing some transitional issues, and then hopefully New Year/new start. Let us know how it all goes!