Page 11 | Parents trying to foist sibling onto me

TralalaTralalee · 2025-10-08T10:46:58+00:00

My sister is disabled and has never lived independently from our parents. I don’t get on with her (partly we’re just very different people, partly I find her weirdly intrusive and manipulative). There is no chance that I would ever become her carer, allow her to live with me, or take on responsibility for her care. Now that our parents are ageing I’ve started offering to help them more, but often what they want help with is actually things for my sister - they have always done everything for her/wrapped her up in cotton wool, but I believe she is capable of doing these things for herself (or at least could do with support, and is eligible for help from local services to give her that support). I feel like I’m going around in circles with them: they know I’m not close to my sister, I’ve said I’m not willing to help her with anything she can do for herself, I’ve said she must become more independent. But it’s still constant requests to do things for her and every time I say no they are upset. Has anybody been through similar? Do I just keep saying no over and over?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/10/2025 19:22

Give your sister some links to care agencies.

She's the one who will be doing the appointing.

Come back to this thread in a year and tell us how many have either left or have been booted out by your sister or your parents.

It's a total nightmare. Trust me, I was a live in carer for fifteen years. It's an endless, thankless job, trying to get carers and keep them.

godmum56 · 10/10/2025 19:25

TralalaTralalee · 10/10/2025 19:02

Ok, a really long response, bear with me! Thank you for all the replies - even to those who think I’m heartless and cruel - it’s really useful to read the different responses (and - in some cases - to realise how strongly I disagree!)

To answer some question:

There is definitely no intellectual disability, and I have no reason to suspect neurodiversity or problems with executive function. The issue is partly learned helplessness, but mostly she does not want to do anything difficult or boring, pretends to be too anxious to do it (but refuses treatment for anxiety), enjoys manipulating others, feels entitled to others doing everything for her. Maybe this personality results from her experiences as a physically disabled person who has had to rely on others, maybe she’d always have been that way. Either way, I don’t like her or enjoy her company, and she has done and said some genuinely awful things over the years. I can be empathetic to the possible causes of her problems without letting those problems consume my life. If she was not disabled I would already have cut off contact with her, or be very very low contact.
I have no intention of cutting off my parents and am happy to help them. She/they are using my willingness to help them as a gateway to try and make me help her with things she does not actually need help with, which I am not going to do.
I would help her with physical care short term, in a crisis, as I would for my other siblings and my friends. But that is it.
The sensible siblings are men, and have never been expected to do as much caring/helping. They’re also older than me so started families and set their boundaries earlier than I did, so now all the pushing is coming to me. They are completely supportive and tell me all the time not to get dragged back in to helping her.
For the #bekind brigade: it’s very easy to be kind with other people’s time, energy and attention by telling me to keep trying to help her. You get to feel all smug that you are a lovely person who would always help. But you don’t know - because I haven’t told you - exactly what she wants, or what other demands I have on my time. How about being kind to me, with a job and family and perimenopause to deal with? To my husband, who doesn’t get enough of my time? To my primary school age kids who actually need me? To my colleagues who rely on me doing my job? She does not want to do boring or difficult things for herself. She does not want to receive personal care from a stranger. Why is what she wants more important than what I want or need, or what the other people in my life (who I actually like and chose!) want and need? It’s not. I’ve been manipulated and pressured into behaving like her wants are more important than my needs for decades already, and I’m done.

So here’s my strategy, and I’d be interested to know what everybody thinks.

I’m going to email my parents and difficult sister, copying in sensible siblings and say that:

I would always help all 3 of them in a sudden crisis, by calling emergency adult social services and/or paramedics depending on the situation, and by helping them physically until those services arrive (if I can do so without neglecting my children). That is it. I will never do long-term or predictable physical care for any of them.

For the next 3 months, I am available to help them with transitioning to a more suitable long-term arrangement by helping them advertise and recruit a carer/team of carers, and helping them engage with local services. After that I’m taking a promotion and will not be available to help with this.

It is frustrating to me when they ask me to help with things that I know they can do. So I am available for the next 3 months to help with things that they genuinely cannot do for themselves, but if they ask me for anything else I will reply with no, and will not enter into any further conversations or justifications about this, because I am tired of repeating myself.

Long term I look forward to spending time with our parents, and hope that little sister and I can learn to get along better once I am not feeling pressured to help her with tasks that she can either do or pay somebody else to do. The relationship I have with my sensible siblings is that we love each other, enjoy each other’s company but are not in regular contact or reliant on each other and that is what I want with little sister, a more adult and independent relationship. But I am informing them now that I am point blank never going to be her carer or assistant and if they keep pressuring me to do this it is likely to destroy our relationship completely.

None of this is negotiable or up for discussion, this is my position and they can now do with that what they will.

Thoughts? Accusations that I’m a monster? Suggestions for how to brace myself for the torrent of attempted manipulation that I expect will follow this?

I think that is a clear and fair message. I think that even though it may take longer to get all the staff in place its a fair deadline. Either it will float over their heads and they will do nothing or this will be a wake up call to them that their current expectations are not reasonable and will not happen. I think its lovely that your DH will take your phone and totally support you....I think you will need it!

gardenflowergirl · 10/10/2025 19:32

That's good that you state your boundaries like that but one month should do. It could also take awhile for the social to do assessments to get carers. Your sister should also apply for PIP. I'd let their calls go to message while you're at work so they get used to you not being available. Your husband responding is a good idea too.

Original poster

TralalaTralalee · 10/10/2025 19:32

I suppose I went for 3 months because that does tie in with the promotion, but maybe I should go for a shorter deadline, like 1 month? That way at least I know I’ll have some spare time/energy to deal with the complaints and arguing before my promotion starts?

OP posts:

Terrribletwos · 10/10/2025 19:34

TralalaTralalee · 10/10/2025 19:02

Ok, a really long response, bear with me! Thank you for all the replies - even to those who think I’m heartless and cruel - it’s really useful to read the different responses (and - in some cases - to realise how strongly I disagree!)

To answer some question:

There is definitely no intellectual disability, and I have no reason to suspect neurodiversity or problems with executive function. The issue is partly learned helplessness, but mostly she does not want to do anything difficult or boring, pretends to be too anxious to do it (but refuses treatment for anxiety), enjoys manipulating others, feels entitled to others doing everything for her. Maybe this personality results from her experiences as a physically disabled person who has had to rely on others, maybe she’d always have been that way. Either way, I don’t like her or enjoy her company, and she has done and said some genuinely awful things over the years. I can be empathetic to the possible causes of her problems without letting those problems consume my life. If she was not disabled I would already have cut off contact with her, or be very very low contact.
I have no intention of cutting off my parents and am happy to help them. She/they are using my willingness to help them as a gateway to try and make me help her with things she does not actually need help with, which I am not going to do.
I would help her with physical care short term, in a crisis, as I would for my other siblings and my friends. But that is it.
The sensible siblings are men, and have never been expected to do as much caring/helping. They’re also older than me so started families and set their boundaries earlier than I did, so now all the pushing is coming to me. They are completely supportive and tell me all the time not to get dragged back in to helping her.
For the #bekind brigade: it’s very easy to be kind with other people’s time, energy and attention by telling me to keep trying to help her. You get to feel all smug that you are a lovely person who would always help. But you don’t know - because I haven’t told you - exactly what she wants, or what other demands I have on my time. How about being kind to me, with a job and family and perimenopause to deal with? To my husband, who doesn’t get enough of my time? To my primary school age kids who actually need me? To my colleagues who rely on me doing my job? She does not want to do boring or difficult things for herself. She does not want to receive personal care from a stranger. Why is what she wants more important than what I want or need, or what the other people in my life (who I actually like and chose!) want and need? It’s not. I’ve been manipulated and pressured into behaving like her wants are more important than my needs for decades already, and I’m done.

So here’s my strategy, and I’d be interested to know what everybody thinks.

I’m going to email my parents and difficult sister, copying in sensible siblings and say that:

I would always help all 3 of them in a sudden crisis, by calling emergency adult social services and/or paramedics depending on the situation, and by helping them physically until those services arrive (if I can do so without neglecting my children). That is it. I will never do long-term or predictable physical care for any of them.

For the next 3 months, I am available to help them with transitioning to a more suitable long-term arrangement by helping them advertise and recruit a carer/team of carers, and helping them engage with local services. After that I’m taking a promotion and will not be available to help with this.

It is frustrating to me when they ask me to help with things that I know they can do. So I am available for the next 3 months to help with things that they genuinely cannot do for themselves, but if they ask me for anything else I will reply with no, and will not enter into any further conversations or justifications about this, because I am tired of repeating myself.

Long term I look forward to spending time with our parents, and hope that little sister and I can learn to get along better once I am not feeling pressured to help her with tasks that she can either do or pay somebody else to do. The relationship I have with my sensible siblings is that we love each other, enjoy each other’s company but are not in regular contact or reliant on each other and that is what I want with little sister, a more adult and independent relationship. But I am informing them now that I am point blank never going to be her carer or assistant and if they keep pressuring me to do this it is likely to destroy our relationship completely.

None of this is negotiable or up for discussion, this is my position and they can now do with that what they will.

Thoughts? Accusations that I’m a monster? Suggestions for how to brace myself for the torrent of attempted manipulation that I expect will follow this?

I don't think you're a monster op and I think you've well laid out your proposal and intention for yourself and the future.

But, I really don't expect your parents to accept this, given their past responses, so expect an almighty aggressive response. I note that your husband is being supportive so that's good. Just try to stay calm and be mentally prepared for the inevitable fallout now that you have finally made your statement.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/10/2025 19:34

TralalaTralalee · 10/10/2025 19:32

I suppose I went for 3 months because that does tie in with the promotion, but maybe I should go for a shorter deadline, like 1 month? That way at least I know I’ll have some spare time/energy to deal with the complaints and arguing before my promotion starts?

They will prevaricate and do nothing for the whole three months, you'll see.

NellieElephantine · 10/10/2025 19:36

I think a month is best, you know whatever time limit you give, they'll want to extend it.

Wasitabadger · 10/10/2025 19:37

As a physically disabled women who has had no family support for my difficulties and a fight to gain an education. Individuals like your sister really frustrate and annoy me. Yes she had her challenges and life is difficult. That does not mean you can be a nasty manipulative individual and expect everyone to run around after you. How about having some dignity and pride.

I have a complex and rare condition yet I am able to hold down a full time professional job, study for a part time doctorate. I am also Autistic/dyslexic and struggle with executive functioning. Yes it is difficult at times to need personal care and can be uncomfortable. I know I have personal experience of these things. However that does not mean your parents or your sister are entitled to manipulate you. I would not give them three months to sort themselves out. Tell them it stops now you are no longer going to allow the manipulation and guilt tripping. If your parents truly love, like and respect you they shall stop their behaviour. If they truly cannot cope then they need to hire carers for your sister.

It is natural to feel annoyed that she may not be able to do certain things and have an occasional moan, that is reasonable and human. Yet you have stated she attended university and has no learning or intellectual disability. It is physical does she really want to waste her life in pity and manipulation. Your sister needs to stop with the manipulation and self pity and your parents need to stop enabling it.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/10/2025 19:38

TralalaTralalee · 10/10/2025 19:32

I suppose I went for 3 months because that does tie in with the promotion, but maybe I should go for a shorter deadline, like 1 month? That way at least I know I’ll have some spare time/energy to deal with the complaints and arguing before my promotion starts?

Hang on.
If you decide to make it one month, why would you still be dealing with anything right up till the time that your promotion starts?

If you're not going to start ignoring them at the end of the one month, what's the point of supposedly laying down a boundary (which you don't appear to be planning to stick to).

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/10/2025 19:41

NellieElephantine · 10/10/2025 19:36

I think a month is best, you know whatever time limit you give, they'll want to extend it.

Which means that they'll extend the month....... over and over again.

MonGrainDeSel · 10/10/2025 20:03

I don't think three months is an unreasonable deadline, particularly since it ties in with a real thing in your life which you will have to be very much focused on. I (and my siblings) organised a huge package of care for my mother in roughly a month and it certainly took a couple of months after that for it to bed in. We had teething troubles as she too was extremely resistant to any of it. You will have to be extremely clear in your expectations of what is going to happen, and should they not engage you will have to step back and set very strong boundaries. I doubt they will cooperate but it may be helpful to you personally to know that you have given them a clear and time-limited opportunity and they have failed to take it.

Is there any mileage in telling them you've changed your phone number and getting a cheapie phone for contact with them (you can block them on your real phone) and only looking at it once a day or, like you say, giving it to your DH? That way, you have your phone for your own stuff but don't have to engage with them outside clearly set times.

harriethoyle · 10/10/2025 20:22

TralalaTralalee · 10/10/2025 19:32

I suppose I went for 3 months because that does tie in with the promotion, but maybe I should go for a shorter deadline, like 1 month? That way at least I know I’ll have some spare time/energy to deal with the complaints and arguing before my promotion starts?

I think this is a far better plan. And just resolve to ignore the tantrumming (which is inevitable!) and keep your boundaries strong. Good luck 🤞🏼

LivingTheDreamish · 10/10/2025 20:26

I think your proposal sounds perfect OP. I was going to come on and suggest that your husband could be your gatekeeper to reinforce the "NO" but I see that you are already thinking along those lines. You could also rope in your brothers to back him up on occasion.

I think the 3 months should most certainly be your outside deadline in line with your promotion. It doesn't matter if suitable support workers are not in place by then because your parents can provide all required support - your sister won't be left to struggle. You could make it 2 months to give yourself some breathing room before the new job starts if you think that would make it easier for you.

Ultimately, I don't think it makes a huge difference to the situation whether it is 1/2/3 months, so pick the one that offers you the best outcome.

MrsAga · 10/10/2025 20:35

From the mother of a disabled child… you are not a monster, this is a perfectly reasonable response. I’d go with a shorter timeframe, 6 weeks should be plenty of time to start to get things in place if they start to engage right away. (They probably won’t, so at that point it’s time to grey rock & just repeat your terms & commence countdown)

CorneliaCupp · 10/10/2025 21:48

By the 'Be Kind Brigade' I would assume you're referring to me (amongst others), which seems incredibly patronising and unjustified.
I think your plan is sound, do the things she can't do, and encourage her to do the things she can herself. I would add, encourage your brothers to pick up some slack too, there is plenty of support they can offer from a distance.
I wish you well.

27pilates · 10/10/2025 21:58

I think your primary school DC are your priority OP, not getting yourself tied up in knots over this impossible situation. I wouldn’t bother with the email.
Do you have any access to workplace counselling OP? I think that would be a good thing for you. You’re taking on too much here and I’m amazed your parents try to foist stuff re your sister on to you, when you’re a mother to 2 young children and working full time too. No, that’s way too much expectation from your parents imo. Best of luck with it all OP and your parents’/sister’s expectations. Sounds like your DH has very much got your back anyway x

Delphinium20 · 10/10/2025 21:59

I'm in the 1-month camp. I say this because there was a time when I was switching jobs and had a one-month gap between them. I knew my new position would require longer hours to get up to speed and more responsibility, so I took that month to spend lots of time with my kids, including a trip with them to go see their cousins. It was a magical month, and one I look back fondly on as I was always a full-time mom, so spending time with my children at that age was precious.

Your kids deserve your time now. Your sister has had enough of it.

And that extra month, take some time for yourself!!!!

Planesmistakenforstars · 11/10/2025 00:13

So I am available for the next 3 months to help with things that they genuinely cannot do.

But you already know that your parents think that she genuinely cannot even book theatre tickets. This is not going to stop what is happening at all. And one of the things she can do herself is advertise and recruit carers, so why would you offer to do that?

Flossflower · 11/10/2025 00:24

I think your plan is good and I would go with the 1 month but I really don’t think that they are going to do anything. They will just assume that you will come back.

llizzie · 11/10/2025 00:38

TralalaTralalee · 10/10/2025 19:02

Ok, a really long response, bear with me! Thank you for all the replies - even to those who think I’m heartless and cruel - it’s really useful to read the different responses (and - in some cases - to realise how strongly I disagree!)

To answer some question:

There is definitely no intellectual disability, and I have no reason to suspect neurodiversity or problems with executive function. The issue is partly learned helplessness, but mostly she does not want to do anything difficult or boring, pretends to be too anxious to do it (but refuses treatment for anxiety), enjoys manipulating others, feels entitled to others doing everything for her. Maybe this personality results from her experiences as a physically disabled person who has had to rely on others, maybe she’d always have been that way. Either way, I don’t like her or enjoy her company, and she has done and said some genuinely awful things over the years. I can be empathetic to the possible causes of her problems without letting those problems consume my life. If she was not disabled I would already have cut off contact with her, or be very very low contact.
I have no intention of cutting off my parents and am happy to help them. She/they are using my willingness to help them as a gateway to try and make me help her with things she does not actually need help with, which I am not going to do.
I would help her with physical care short term, in a crisis, as I would for my other siblings and my friends. But that is it.
The sensible siblings are men, and have never been expected to do as much caring/helping. They’re also older than me so started families and set their boundaries earlier than I did, so now all the pushing is coming to me. They are completely supportive and tell me all the time not to get dragged back in to helping her.
For the #bekind brigade: it’s very easy to be kind with other people’s time, energy and attention by telling me to keep trying to help her. You get to feel all smug that you are a lovely person who would always help. But you don’t know - because I haven’t told you - exactly what she wants, or what other demands I have on my time. How about being kind to me, with a job and family and perimenopause to deal with? To my husband, who doesn’t get enough of my time? To my primary school age kids who actually need me? To my colleagues who rely on me doing my job? She does not want to do boring or difficult things for herself. She does not want to receive personal care from a stranger. Why is what she wants more important than what I want or need, or what the other people in my life (who I actually like and chose!) want and need? It’s not. I’ve been manipulated and pressured into behaving like her wants are more important than my needs for decades already, and I’m done.

So here’s my strategy, and I’d be interested to know what everybody thinks.

I’m going to email my parents and difficult sister, copying in sensible siblings and say that:

I would always help all 3 of them in a sudden crisis, by calling emergency adult social services and/or paramedics depending on the situation, and by helping them physically until those services arrive (if I can do so without neglecting my children). That is it. I will never do long-term or predictable physical care for any of them.

For the next 3 months, I am available to help them with transitioning to a more suitable long-term arrangement by helping them advertise and recruit a carer/team of carers, and helping them engage with local services. After that I’m taking a promotion and will not be available to help with this.

It is frustrating to me when they ask me to help with things that I know they can do. So I am available for the next 3 months to help with things that they genuinely cannot do for themselves, but if they ask me for anything else I will reply with no, and will not enter into any further conversations or justifications about this, because I am tired of repeating myself.

Long term I look forward to spending time with our parents, and hope that little sister and I can learn to get along better once I am not feeling pressured to help her with tasks that she can either do or pay somebody else to do. The relationship I have with my sensible siblings is that we love each other, enjoy each other’s company but are not in regular contact or reliant on each other and that is what I want with little sister, a more adult and independent relationship. But I am informing them now that I am point blank never going to be her carer or assistant and if they keep pressuring me to do this it is likely to destroy our relationship completely.

None of this is negotiable or up for discussion, this is my position and they can now do with that what they will.

Thoughts? Accusations that I’m a monster? Suggestions for how to brace myself for the torrent of attempted manipulation that I expect will follow this?

Well done. You have made it clear to them that you do not have the time or capacity to physically go over there and replace a paid housekeeper cum carer but you will help them find someone suitable who can come when they choose and do what they tell them - and pay for it.

A new person in their lives could make all the difference. He/she (I find men make the best carers. There are male nurses and doctors which are accepted. If they knew that, there would be more of them. They will do anything around the house too). I love all my carers. My carer of six years from Africa was diagnosed last year with terminal cancer. He has not been able to do physical work for a year now. He still drops in for conversation, for which I pay him. I have another carer now. Most of the carers are immigrants - with legal work permits or have British nationality now. I pay £25 an hour. It is more than an agency pays them, and they really do work well. If I could afford more, I would pay more because they have my life and well being in their hands. They are insured, which is another reason for you to have them and not yourself.

They might not be able to discuss your family, but you could ask your DS if she doesn't mind reports to you. It will be a relief to you to know what is going on. That will set your mind at rest. Once someone is working there, you may not even have to be called out in emergency.

That is all you need to do. Believe me they will be happier. The thought that my siblings would descend on me and take over my life horrifies me. I think your sister probably feels the same.

I do advise belonging to Scope. They have discussion forums and a great deal of advice.

llizzie · 11/10/2025 00:55

Kimura · 10/10/2025 15:34

Read the thread. OP has spent years encouraging them to plan for the future, trying to get them help, and informing them that she won't be taking on the responsibility of her adult sister. They aren't interested, and despite OPs warnings of what it will lead to, they continue to enable the problem. The more OP panders to them, the tougher it gets.

So yes, in similar circumstances I would absolutely reach a point where having the same discussion that OP has been having for years (decades?) would no longer be a good use of my time, and I would leave them to the life they've chosen. You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

That doesn't mean you have to cut them off, that's ridiculous and again, OP has said multiple times that's not her intention.

God didn't make me, and no, none of your religious rhetoric means anything to me. I love and respect my parents because of who they are, not because I'm told that I should honour them 'just because' it says in a book that by doing so I'll live a long and happy life. How selfish.

Show quote history

You have it wrong. First, I did not post that in response to the OP, but to you and others like you. I queried the attitude of some who told the OP to not get involved. Advice like that is not helpful in those circumstances. The OP wants support and advice, which I gave because tI am disabled. To suggest that someone should just detach themselves from family is highly dangerous, and very depressing to someone already up to their eyes in it.

It has been suggested to the OP that perhaps her sister is not so disabled and she appears. Medication will show if she is. People say the same to me. I ignore them. I have 21 items on my prescription but am damned if I am going to discuss things with sceptical people, even though it is evidence I am disabled.

As for my ''religious rhetoric''. The phrases I used are common knowledge. If you cannot recognise encouragement and help, please do not inflict your comments on vulnerable people seeking advice.

We cannot exist on our own. We are not islands. We were made to recreate ourselves, which we do. The world now has a population out of control to prove it. If we detach ourselves from our responsibilities to one another, we spiral downwards fast, and our lives may not have the same meaning and purpose. That results in people ending their lives, and advice like that has no place on social media. Not even when the posters are anonymous. That is worse.

llizzie · 11/10/2025 01:18

corkymycorkface · 10/10/2025 04:57

Just to add, I have been searching very hard for someone for a long time now but have largely given up. Sorry to hijack the thread. I could do with some other help for other things too.

You haven't hijacked the thread by asking for advice along the same lines. It is not easy to find someone. My disabilities are complex, which works to my advantage and I have been disabled long enough to know whether the people I interview are suitable.

It is not always easy to match someone to your disabilities and needs. Sometimes, if you find someone who has all the qualities but not the certificates, you may be able to train them to your needs. I have a rare condition, and have retrained some. To me, they first need to be kind and willing to learn about your difficulties and how to help you. Many who have the certificate do not have the experience to put on my different splints for sleeping and walking, and hand splints, eye drops, and with 21 items on the prescription, it takes a while to check the pills.

People are really very kind if you let them be, but at the same time you have to be strong enough to correct them if they are wrong, and let them choose, - to a certain extent - what times and days they come to you, because they have other clients. Agencies usually tell you what hours they have free, but it isn't the same. I don't use them, or social services. There have been times when they have put all my mugs on the top shelf except one, because they don't like washing up. If I could stand up long enough to do the washing up, I would, but I pay them to do it, so they don't come back. I had someone who wouldn't put the rubbish in the wheelie bin on their way out - walked right passed it, determined that I must be ok to do that. If I could I wouldn't be paying them to.

What I am trying to say is that it is easier to find someone you can train to your own disabilities and needs. It seems to me that on mumsnet men are not well described, yet they make really good carers. If they knew that, there would be more carers in the world. They don't mind what they do, anything in the house that needs doing, they do it. I was very surprised at first, but it is absolutely true. There are male nurses and doctors who we accept, why not carers? They don't nag like women do, either. They make suggestions without nagging. They are also very protective when people are not very nice to you.

llizzie · 11/10/2025 01:59

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 10/10/2025 19:18

Appointing a nanny is much easier than trying to find suitable carers.

Not sure that is so for disabled people unless they are children, of course.

There is a new kind of carer now, called a 'housekeeping carer' who does light housework as well. Up to recently, most carers refuse to clean as well. They just like doing the nursing bit. It strikes me as strange, because disabled people cannot do housework and gardening either. Sometimes they will fill in each other's jobs.

Men are the better carers, and they don't mind doing the housework as well.

llizzie · 11/10/2025 02:49

Allergictoironing · 10/10/2025 11:01

Have you actually read the OPs posts in detail? Her parents (and sister) aren't worried about what happens in the future because they have decided that OP will take her sister in to her own home & her family will look after the sister.

OP has tried multiple times to arrange for various types of care and help but has been refused by both parents and sister. Historically she has shown empathy and lost out because of it - lost a job, lost a partner. She now has her own job, a partner and DC at school, but is still being expected to drop everything for the sister who she feels is capable of many of the things she's asking for help with.

Surely you could agree to help by overseeing or helping to arrange her care? Tried, and rejected.

I don't see any empathy here towards your sister or your parents. Seems to be a one way street - she has shown empathy & lost out, & where is theirs for her having her own family? You can have empathy fatigue, especially where it's all so one sided after years of giving & giving then expected to give more.

she's in the most unfair position. And so they are putting the OP into an unfair position, and refusing to even consider any solution other than OP dedicating her entire life to her sister.

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A bit of constructive advice and less melancholy would be better than this.

Kimura · 11/10/2025 03:51

llizzie · 11/10/2025 00:55

You have it wrong. First, I did not post that in response to the OP, but to you and others like you. I queried the attitude of some who told the OP to not get involved. Advice like that is not helpful in those circumstances. The OP wants support and advice, which I gave because tI am disabled. To suggest that someone should just detach themselves from family is highly dangerous, and very depressing to someone already up to their eyes in it.

It has been suggested to the OP that perhaps her sister is not so disabled and she appears. Medication will show if she is. People say the same to me. I ignore them. I have 21 items on my prescription but am damned if I am going to discuss things with sceptical people, even though it is evidence I am disabled.

As for my ''religious rhetoric''. The phrases I used are common knowledge. If you cannot recognise encouragement and help, please do not inflict your comments on vulnerable people seeking advice.

We cannot exist on our own. We are not islands. We were made to recreate ourselves, which we do. The world now has a population out of control to prove it. If we detach ourselves from our responsibilities to one another, we spiral downwards fast, and our lives may not have the same meaning and purpose. That results in people ending their lives, and advice like that has no place on social media. Not even when the posters are anonymous. That is worse.

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You have it wrong. First, I did not post that in response to the OP, but to you and others like you. I queried the attitude of some who told the OP to not get involved. Advice like that is not helpful in those circumstances. The OP wants support and advice, which I gave because tI am disabled. To suggest that someone should just detach themselves from family is highly dangerous, and very depressing to someone already up to their eyes in it.

Where did I say that it was a reply to OP? I know it was directed at me, that's why I responded to it.

You don't get to decide what advice is or isn't helpful. The whole point of this forum is to get a wide range of views and opinions. Your disability is irrelevant to OPs situation.

Read the thread. Read the room.

It has been suggested to the OP that perhaps her sister is not so disabled and she appears. Medication will show if she is. People say the same to me. I ignore them. I have 21 items on my prescription but am damned if I am going to discuss things with sceptical people, even though it is evidence I am disabled.

Again, read the thread. It was OP who first suggested that.

Nobody has asked you to discuss your prescription. Again, irrelevant.

As for my ''religious rhetoric''. The phrases I used are common knowledge. If you cannot recognise encouragement and help, please do not inflict your comments on vulnerable people seeking advice.

Not to me they're not. Tip for you - folk who aren't religious often aren't keen on people shoehorning their religion into actual, real life issues.

It may not have been your intention but as someone who considers your religion a work of fiction, I find it patronising.

And again, you don't get to tell other MumsNet users who they can/can't give advice to.

The advice you're giving would see OP stuck in a situation she has made it clear that she doesn't want to be in, one that has already had a massive negative impact on her life.

You're sat here chiding other people's advice as though you're somehow the final authority on the topic, while the crux of your own input is something you read in the Bible. Phenomenal arrogance.

We cannot exist on our own. We are not islands. We were made to recreate ourselves, which we do. The world now has a population out of control to prove it. If we detach ourselves from our responsibilities to one another, we spiral downwards fast, and our lives may not have the same meaning and purpose. That results in people ending their lives, and advice like that has no place on social media. Not even when the posters are anonymous. That is worse.

What a load of absolute drivel.