what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

[GenieGenealogy]

DH and I are the classic sandwich generation at the moment. Early 50s, he's still working full time, I'm self-employed part-time, we have three kids still at home at the end of school / uni stage. My dad died a couple of years ago, the three surviving parents are all in their 80s. We live in a different city from our parents, we are about 2 hours from my mum, 4 hours from DH's parents. DH's sister lives very close to her parents, my brother is even further away than we are.

This summer has been a blur of dealing with kids who didn't do as well as expected in school exams, trying and failing to get a job for another child, breaking up with first serious boyfriend for another. My mother had a planned stay in hospital and sibling and I had to tag team looking after her post-discharge and I was away from home quite a bit. Then DH's mother fell, broke a bone and was also admitted. Their house is really unsuitable for someone with mobility issues, packed with "stuff" and FIL cannot cope with the logistics and is panicking about managing. DH has been backwards and forwards the last 4 weekends to support his parents and sister.

So last night we had a long talk about how this situation has brought home what we want for our older years and how to minimise the impact on our own kids. We have already made wills and have both health and financial POAs set up - we did this a few years ago after a horrible incident at DH's work where someone was seriously brain injured in an accident and his wife seriously struggled to access money.

We have also decided that mid-60s (so 12-15 years time) we are moving out of our current house which is 4 beds over 3 floors. When the kids are gone it will be too big, too many stairs. We want something all on one level, whether that's a flat or bungalow. Preferably with a garden someone else has the responsibility of maintaining.

Anyone else making similar choices??

Look, I totally get that moving isn't something which everyone needs to do, or wants to do. It is a perfectly valid decision to choose to remain in your three storey house, knowing that if and when the time comes, you will pay for carers, or install a lift, or have an extension built with a downstairs bedroom and bathroom. That's all fine.

The issues we are currently having are mainly because PILs in particular have adopted a head in the sand approach. They want to live in their 80s exactly as they did in their 50s or 40s. They will not accept that they are older and their needs have changed. MIL won't use the walking aid she needs because someone might see her and think she's old. FIL won't get rid of the wardrobes full of dated 90s cruise-wear because he won't accept his cruising days are over. And from my side, my own mum is totally head in the sand about the fact she chose to live in a house which is appropriate for her needs in terms of layout, but which is in a village so small there is no shop and 10 miles from the nearest supermarket, and she refuses to use the internet or a smartphone. I did ask what she thought would happen when she can't drive any more, and she just said "that's not going to happen". 🙄

This is so familiar

My mum has terminal cancer and dad is facing a Parkinson’s diagnosis.

As their only child I asked what they think about the future.

Mum’s response was ‘well, it will be what it will be’ and Dad suggested moving to a flat ‘but I don’t really want to’ and all he worries about is the garden.

Talk about avoiding the elephant in the room!

I am happy for them to be autonomous but when they need help they phone me 🙄

If that lady is my 98-year-old grandmother, then she refuses to leave her house of 50/60 years unless it's in a box! Also, any suggestions that she doesn't like mysteriously don't get picked up by her hearing aid 🙄She's only just accepted needing walking aids. However, given how terrifying she was at driving a car, nobody would dream of suggesting a scooter 😆

Elderly people are INCREDIBLY stubborn and the "youth" (i.e. anyone under about 70) obviously don't know what they're talking about!

Thus, actually paying attention to your children and grandchildren sounds like it would be a sensible thing for everyone to do!

The neighbour was actually quite upset speaking to DH the other day as she is trapped in the house frequently because she can’t manage the steps at the front, even though a rail has been fitted.
she was already struggling mobility wise when we moved in over 20 years ago so it’s not a sudden thing.

The comment about listening to your children wasn’t specifically about moving but everything. I’ve had many frustrating conversations where I’ve been spoken to like a child who has never done anything and can’t possibly have more experience in a matter than them, even though they have zero experience.

@TheeNotoriousPIG @FitatFifty this could be my mother as well. Stubborn beyond stubborn. Always knows better than everyone else yet has no real life experience having been born and stayed within half a mile. Had a charmed life with the best of everything. Big fish small pond.

Even suggesting getting a smaller about town car 15 years ago after she had driven their huge four by four BMW into several ‘things in the way’ was met with derision. Her and my Dad saying they didn’t want neighbours thinking they were on their uppers. Ridiculous.

From my own parents

the good:

• having LPA set up well before needed. Having now just invoked for one parent it has made a difficult time easier.
• building good relationships with neighbours: I live away and appreciate there is someone looking out.
• having a folder re key financial and other information.
• giving up driving before it became dangerous and accepting taxis.
• for one parent (having an active social life and keeping up with tech).
• having advanced directives in place.

the bad

• for one parent: not keeping up with technology and staying relatively on top of new developments
• developing multiple preventable long term conditions due to poor diet and limited exercise.
• (in/laws) refuse to discuss death and wills and planning.

I will plan for getting older and death. It is something that will happen to us all. Burying your head does no-one any favours. Having just used LPA it is a bloody godsend to have it set up when things go downhill.

@Bunnycat101 great list.
LPAs - I organised these, as my parents wanted them but showed zero interest in actually sorting them. The H&W one is largely pointless to me. Financial useful. I tried to use the H&W one for my father when it was clear he required nursing care full time. He resisted as did my mother and they were both deemed by HCPs to have ‘capacity. Eventually a sensible clinician applied a DoLs on him and took the matter out of our hands. My mother is making terrible life decisions but as she is deemed to have capacity there is nothing we can do in terms of invoking the H&W LPA - inevitably a crisis will happen and then the NHS will be under pressure from the situation which we have all tried to avoid by suggesting various things to help - but she ‘doesn’t want that’s…..but won’t let us know what she ‘does want’. She has always been very controlling and without our father to control she is controlling her adult children with unreasonable behaviour. I have stepped well away as she made me ill with worry.

Sadly in our case our mother has alienated absolutely every neighbour and anyone who has tried to help her.

Her stubbornness has ultimately been her downfall and her life is utterly miserable now.

I would definitely say the fact my mother has never cultivated any hobbies or interests or friendships of any value has massively impacted this stage of her life. She won’t do anything she considers ‘for old people’.

I totally agree with what you say. My parents moved to a flat with essentially two bedrooms when their youngest child left home. It is easy to maintain and central with good transport but has stairs. Consequently they had fulfilling lives with lots to do and were quite active, but we never visited. They didn’t want us staying and didn’t have the space. I saw very little of them as did my other sibling . We both lived at the other end of the country so my parents visited us about once or twice a year and they didn’t have any bond with grandchildren and we went to in-laws for Xmas etc. My mother is still managing the stairs at 88 but now struggling to cope in her flat. I don’t have much relationship with her and my other sibling is still living a long way away.

My adult children come to us for Xmas and alternate with in-laws in the case of the one who has a family. It bonds us. My grandchildren enjoy visiting us and hopefully will have happy memories. Two of my children live in very small rented flats, one with flatmates. The other has a very small cramped house. Visiting them involves staying in a hotel or air b and b. If we don’t have space for them we would be paying to stay and travel every time we want to see them . It’s really important to maintain a ‘family home’ as much as possible.

A friend’s father recently died. He was still living alone in the family home and insisted he would never leave it. Both his children lived locally but he lived to 92 and did his own gardening, walked a lot and kept fit. He did have a cleaner. Not everyone stays fit and healthy, but these are all things to consider. My mother says once you get a bungalow everything starts to deteriorate.

It’s difficult because on one hand my mum died young and my dad lost his ability to get up stairs due to arthritis. He now lives in a lovely flat in new sheltered accommodation.
Stairs may keep you going if you are actually able to use them.

My in-laws are older. They could easily use stairs and my mum in law still can at 86, however when my dad in law became unwell they were lucky enough to convert a room downstairs for his hospital bed etc.

My take after watching my parents is to keep myself as healthy as i can. Both aere/are suffering life style bad health, copd from smoking killed my mum, my dad also has that, he has diabetes and still hasn’t a great diet and is overweight which doesn’t help the arthritis

I eat nutritionally well most of the time) i do cardio and strength. I have never smoked ( even as a kid in the 80s i thought it was gross) I do drink alcohol but can have weeks where i won’t. It’s not a lot. i spend time in nature- i believe that is important for our mental health.

We don’t have children. I have nieces/nephews and god children but i wouldn’t expect them to help out tbh . We will hopefully have cash saved to help with care as and when if it’s needed. The house will have had all major jobs done. We will be able to move but it’s only a 3 bed semi. We don’t have loads of clutter as neither likes it.

Here are my thoughts gained from experience, mine and others:
Starlifts can be rented
A second stair rail can be helpful and reduce the risk of falling
If possible keeping funds for private health care - can avoid a painful wait for operations
Develop interests that don't depend on your family accompanying you
Bungalow legs exist and using stairs is a way to keep fit if not already in pain
A pendant alarm worn round the neck can give your DC peace of mind and get you help quickly if a fall etc occurs
The company of a pet, even in very old age, providing you can care for it can enhance the quality of life
Develop interests to do inside and outside the home
Get involved with things in your community - U3A, gym, swimming, church. You don't need to always be with best friends or family to enjoy things
Try to do things yourself rather than delegate everything to DC
Ruthlessly declutter - no one wants your stuff
Exercise - 5 mins in the morning, walk, use weights - just do something every day
Understand your own finances, simply them where possible, and keep them together in a paper file
Keep up with at least the basics of new technology
Have trusted trades people to call upon and pay for help as needed
Get a cheap robot vacuum cleaner
Try to see the good in people
Eat well
Claim all the benefits you're entitled to. Attendance Allowance is the big one and is not means tested

Interesting - was it the male or female partner who let their early and social life go?

Another thing I would ads to your excellent list @Alllisontyis get used to outsourcing (if you can afford it) before you absolutely need it. Hire someone to mow the lawns, do the heavy gardening and above all get used to having a cleaner in the house. That way you’re not having to introduce these things when it’s a big change to a set routine. It also gets you used to the idea on not relying on your DCs to do these things for you as they have their own houses and gardens to maintain.

I have thought of something else.

Cultivate good relationships with your neighbours. Put out their bins when they are on holiday and check their mail. That way they will be amenable to do small favours for you if and when needed.

The stairs thing is hard isn’t it because they are great, right up to the moment they aren’t.

Precisely. I have a stair lift because of a disability that makes stairs very painful and slow. I can do them, but the risk of falling,especially when coming down, is quite high. I prefer not to take that risk ... it only takes one small error and months of problems could ensue. I am aware that exercise wise it would be better to climb them on foot.

My DM is now confined to the ground floor (wheelchair user, and we looked into a lift, but it wouldn’t have worked as too large, and not enough room to move around); and in some ways it works well as the upstairs bedrooms are now empty, so I (and other family members can stay there when we visit), but (and it is a big but) the main downstairs living spaces have been taken up with bedroom etc so there is very little space to have visitors sitting when they pop over, and there is no accessible bathroom, and it is not possible to get into one ground floor room, or to go into the garden, (without help) as there are steps / thresholds and ramps need to be put down each time.

So. Not necessarily move into a bungalow, but audit your ground floor, and make sure all rooms are accessible via flush thesholds, and make sure there is a large bathroom that can have a walk-in bath / shower fitted, and also allow for a ground floor bedroom, while still maintaining a separate living room / space, if possible. And make sure there are no steps / level changes to get outside! This may necessitate an extension - but well worth doing ahead of time. If you leave it until you need it, then it is impossible to have the time / headspace (when dealing with mobility challenges) to get it sorted after the fact…

And just to add - I was nagging my parents about this for years (to add a bedroom and get a large ground floor bathroom) before they actually needed it - but one parent (!) didn’t want to change the house, so it is now very problematic for them unfortunately…

Stairs are only good if you can manage them. With stairs you have the added danger of falling down them. When I worked in A & E older people falling downstairs was a common admission.

A bungalow is easier to maintain yourself.

I intend going for a new build bungalow with an air pump, solar panels and underfloor heating.

I want something closer to my family, which is walking distance to a park, shops etc.

Now I live in a flat (one level) it’s certainly much easier for my elderly mom to visit, especially since she can get a bit disoriented if she gets up in the night - no worries about her falling down stairs.

The trouble with the family house as a meeting house is the family size doesn’t remain the same. My elderly planned a house move on the basis of two grandchildren, one in law and using a sofabed for the child who hadn’t got a partner so everyone could come at Christmas.

Since there are now double the number of in-laws and even more grandchildren (and the first gc now have partners of their own!), and it would be inappropriate to share some of the combinations of people we no longer all fit. Plus I’m past the point when I’m prepared to sleep on an air mattress or sofabed. So hotels have to be used.

The ideal surely is a small, easily maintained, flat or bungalow with a hotel or B&B very close by?

My parents made no preparations whatsoever, stuck their heads in the sand and assumed they’d be healthy forever. Mum has dementia (refuses doctors) dad’s back is so bad he can barely walk. They’re in a 4 bed detached with huge gardens they cannot manage and it’s all going downhill by the day.

At 66 and 61, we’ve downsized and taken steps to manage going forward, practically and financially, as much as we are able. Children have been gifted sizeable sums from the sale of the family home already and whatever is left, sensibly invested to hopefully cover assistance in our home as and when we need it. We’re also doing all we can practically to be as fit and healthy as possible.

That sounds really sensible actually. How did you decide how to invest the money you had left?

Fabulous thread!!!
Really interesting ideas.
I want to stay in my (small) house forever.
Having quite a lot of building work done at the moment, and today thanks to this thread😀😀 discussed with the architect and builder that I will now re-do the plans and have a shower downstairs where the utility room was to be, (and putting washing machine/dryer upstairs in what would have been second shower room).
I am still active etc but in 20 years time, could mean the difference between home care and care home… 😀😀

My husband was a financial professional so we were lucky in that respect. He knows his stuff. ISAs were top of the list, though.