what dealing with elderly parents has made you think you will do differently?

[GenieGenealogy]

DH and I are the classic sandwich generation at the moment. Early 50s, he's still working full time, I'm self-employed part-time, we have three kids still at home at the end of school / uni stage. My dad died a couple of years ago, the three surviving parents are all in their 80s. We live in a different city from our parents, we are about 2 hours from my mum, 4 hours from DH's parents. DH's sister lives very close to her parents, my brother is even further away than we are.

This summer has been a blur of dealing with kids who didn't do as well as expected in school exams, trying and failing to get a job for another child, breaking up with first serious boyfriend for another. My mother had a planned stay in hospital and sibling and I had to tag team looking after her post-discharge and I was away from home quite a bit. Then DH's mother fell, broke a bone and was also admitted. Their house is really unsuitable for someone with mobility issues, packed with "stuff" and FIL cannot cope with the logistics and is panicking about managing. DH has been backwards and forwards the last 4 weekends to support his parents and sister.

So last night we had a long talk about how this situation has brought home what we want for our older years and how to minimise the impact on our own kids. We have already made wills and have both health and financial POAs set up - we did this a few years ago after a horrible incident at DH's work where someone was seriously brain injured in an accident and his wife seriously struggled to access money.

We have also decided that mid-60s (so 12-15 years time) we are moving out of our current house which is 4 beds over 3 floors. When the kids are gone it will be too big, too many stairs. We want something all on one level, whether that's a flat or bungalow. Preferably with a garden someone else has the responsibility of maintaining.

Anyone else making similar choices??

With older people, sometimes the speed of deterioration is really rapid and despite their best plans to move "when the time is right", that time comes and goes too quickly and they're too infirm to cope with moving and too infirm to continue living as they used to.

I've seen it with people who've been super-fit and active, such as playing golf, tennis, etc well into their 80s, thinking they were indestructible and then "something" goes wrong, even something simple like a broken leg, which is fully "heal-able" in theory, but during the brief time of incapacity, their mobility declines rapidly and one thing leads to another, and they simply never recover the same level of fitness/mobility.

@taxguru When my Dad was preparing to move to his retirement flat, I employed a lady who specializes in helping older adults downsize (she helped us research suitable places, sort and pack, etc.), she was so helpful.

She told me that most people she works with wait too long to downsize and it makes the process much harder-for example, they’ll wait until their mobility is failing (like my Dad) and they’re no longer safe in their home. My Dad was still hill-walking at 70, now he uses a walker and can just about make it around the local shops on his doorstep.

She said that she and her husband plan to move to a manageable house or flat with amenities close by, in their early 70’s, before they’re incapacitated. It makes sense.

I'm starting to declutter and dial back on shopping (which is just as well given the financial climate).

I don't have the same relationship with my belongings that my mother did so it shouldn't be such an emotional wrench to empty the home.

I'm not sure that there's anything else I can do really.

agree with the moving to a more sensible house. I have been saying to my parents for 2 years at least that the house was becoming impractical. Oh no…we ok at the moment etc etc. Then it’s not - ogmh well we cannot just buy anything it needs to be right. If it needed to be right you should have thought about this two years ago. Now in a position with mum in hospital and probably having to go to nursing home because the house is completely impractical for her and a dad who if his diabetes starts affecting his eyes will be housebound as they live on a rural road with no pavements and he can also barely walk anymore even if there was pavements!

That must have been very traumatic for you all.

From my own and friends' fairly bitter experience and not something I've seen mentioned here yet (but only skimmed the thread do apologies if missed it)

Do not develop an alcohol or other substance abuse problem. Get help early if needed.

Everyone should use public transport as much as they can and lobby for better provision if it's not good enough. It keeps you young and active, and makes neighbourhoods better. Move to a better connected area if the situation is hopeless, but do not be reliant on a car.

Look after your hearing.

While I would totally respect your views, I personally would be really upset not to be able to say goodbye to a dear friend or aunt in a way that was meaningful to me. The problem with the private cremation / burial is that it takes the choice away from everyone. Of course, your decision.

Nobody actively likes funerals by the way!

the only instructions I have for my funeral are “no fucking Coldplay” so I’m not one to talk!!

This is the thread I have been meaning to start for ages!

I told DH that however we feel physically and mentally, we will be downsizing when I am 70.

I have also started decluttering (we've been in this house 20 years).

No time to read the rest of the thread right now but looking forward to coming back to it!

I am thinking of writing myself a letter and passing it on to the DC for safekeeping so they can give it to me when theses issues arise:

• if your kids say you are no longer safe to drive, listen to them & open an account with a taxi firm instead.
• if your kids say you need extra help around the house & can afford it, do it. You will be able to find nice people.
• Listen to your kids, they have your best interests at heart.

I have POAs in place, my will is up to date and my children know where to find them. I’m focussed on making sure every bit of relevant paper is in order and where it should be, and that maintenance on the house is kept up. I don’t want my children to be left to sort out a muddle

This is a brilliant idea!
For the last 5-10 years all I have heard from DPs is “we don’t want to be a burden, just chuck us in a home when the time comes”.
Well here we are and the time is nigh. I don’t think they are ready for a home yet, but handing over the car keys and agreeing to get support above the bare minimum would make their lives and mine so much easier, but will they agree to it. Absolutely not.

Not there yet with parents, but dealing with grandparents made me think I will move to somewhere without stairs BEFORE I'm 90. They did it, to their credit, and without much grumbling even, but they were so old and frail it was all very tough on them.

I honestly think moving to a more manageable home is vital but is there ever a right time?
We have done it probably due to the car crash we witnessed of our own parents terrible decisions to stay in houses far too big and far too hard to manage. Did we do it too soon - no. We did it when we knew our adult kids had properly flown the nest. Lots of our friends were shocked and thought we were ‘too young’ but the reality was our lovely old home of 30 years was starting to need a full refresh which would have cost a lot. Selling it to a new family made sense. It also meant a huge declutter which I found very cathartic. Will were very fortunate in what we found and it is absolutely fabulous having a brand new everything. It is low maintenance and close to all the things we need including a mainline train station and good bus routes.

We have a neighbour across from us and I’m upset her family haven’t pushed her to move. She is in a 3 bedroom house alone with an upstairs bathroom. She has been widowed for a long time, her children moved out 30 years ago.
She likes being outside but now is struggling with the steps at the front. A bungalow would give her so much more freedom. I do believe you need to keep using stairs as long as you can but there is a point if it’s stopping you being mobile.

Id add to this, actually listening to your adult children and not acting like they are small children who know nothing. We had endless grief with DHs mother that even in our 40s we apparently had zero experience/knowledge of anything. We even took a friend round who was a hospital consultant and she acted like he knew nothing and was still a kid when he was explaining some medication.

Perhaps they have been suggesting it, but as with so many on this thread/board she doesn’t feel ready yet 🤷‍♀️

Id add to this, actually listening to your adult children and not acting like they are small children who know nothing

And I'd add, for the adult children:
actually listening to your parents and not acting like they are small children who know nothing. And also try to have some empathy with them for how hard it is to leave one's home, with all its memories

@saraclara what about having listened to your parents over decades telling you ‘we will never be a burden’ etc etc and then absolving themselves of any self responsibility and refusing to make reasonable decisions to ensure you are not having to drop everything and deal with their unrealistic expectations of you as a middle aged person with your own busy life? My parents dictated to me my whole life what they thought of me, demanded I dance to their tune at various stages of life only to then dump their mess on me. It broke me and I have had to step back.

I listened and listened to ever increasing ridiculous things…. We don’t want ‘bungalows knee being one of the most ridiculous even though they struggled up a steep staircase. Refusal to have a cleaner as ‘oh Blue we would rather pay you’. Same with the garden - huge high maintenance-again could you and Mr Blue not poop in and do it for us - again we will pay you. All on top of us having our own lives and family and living an hour away which we have done for 35 years as we moved to be near our work.

@BlueLegume I'm sorry you had difficult parents all your life, so your situation is different. But I have friends with lovely parents, who seem to think that they should be dictating to them what they should do, rather than having a calm and empathetic conversation. It's as though people are expected to lose all agency regarding their lives when they hit 70.

If you want people (in any situation) to listen to you and come round to your way of thinking, you need to do it sensitively. Getting old and losing independence is really really hard. So the adult kids are going to get a lot further with their suggestions if they recognise their parents emotions, and accept that their parents don't want to be dictated to any more then they would.

@saraclara part of the issue is often that the conversations only crop up at crisis point. I tried years ago to have very light touch empathetic discussions around my parents plans to either future proof their rapidly declining home - no to absolutely every suggestion. When they did decide to consider moving - at crisis point - I sympathised at how sad they were ‘it had come to this’ but also became frustrated at their demands of the move. I spent months going round very lovely suitable properties but they found fault in all of them and also kept sending me links to properties £70-£100k over their budget. Doing things sensitively just doesn’t always cut it. There comes a stage where what you NEED is more important than what you WANT.

There are loads of threads on here where elderly people decide that because getting old is hard for them they bring everyone down with them. At my age my parents were travelling round the world without a care.

Just a small learning after supporting my daunt through her final illness at 90. Stair lifts can be hired/ leased and once removed it was like it had never been there.

Big yes to decluttering. I've posted elsewhere about the hoards of crap my DF left behind - it was not a pleasant job for me.

A list of accounts etc, and easy access to printed statements showing how much is in each one (to help estimate value for probate). I'm always baffled by suggestions of leaving passwords; it's bad practice when you're living, and once you're dead everything should be frozen anyway.

My DC are in primary, but when they're older I'll make sure they have some money in an account in their name to help tide them over until probate is sorted. My DF died unexpectedly and while there was plenty in the estate it took six months to get hold of any of it, and there were a lot of bills racked up in the meantime.

But the big one for me was the idea of keeping adult children involved in family life. My DF lived by himself abroad, but I spoke to him every week on the phone and spent several weeks a year with him. I knew his house and his affairs inside out so that, for example, I knew how to carry on paying his cleaner and gardener upon whom I would rely to look after the house when it was empty. When the borehole pump failed the week after he died and the house was full of people, I knew which taps to open and close to direct water from the backup cistern instead. I was good friends in my own right with ex-colleagues of his who could help navigate sorting his pension out. My sibling, who had a much more superficial and transactional relationship with him (and treated him with utter contempt behind his back) did not have the slightest idea how to do any of this - didn't even know which financial institution he held most of his money with.

I rarely talked specifically with DF about where to find things and what to do after he'd gone, but with hindsight I never needed to. It was just part of the regular communication we had.

Finally, I'll make sure the sex toys and bondage cupboard, or any cross-dressing stuff in the wardrobe, doesn't come as a complete surprise to whoever sorts the house out.

Totally agree with this. I’m 57, early retired with DS16 at home. We’re both looking at next steps in terms of housing. First own home for him and what will likely/hopefully be my last move.

This!
I -am 64, divorced four years, having the time life, but mindful of making it as easy as possible for my DC.
So/ POA and Will, and actively decluttering.
DC have the password for an email account I use exclusively for finances and house stuff/utilities etc. and details of my financial advisor.
I am very healthy and active, and will keep going up the stairs till the day I die.
Have downsized to a small house, minutes away from lots of buses/amenities/railway station good fast connections into central London, so that when I eventually can’t drive there are lots of options for socialising.

Beginning to think we may be twins.

I am all for delicacy and respect, but if your plans rely heavily on your adult DCs, then you might want to ask them in advance if they are ok with that, or indeed at least thank them for their efforts.

Excellent idea re inheritance tax forms!!! Will do that.