Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

I feel for your DH and would certainly not judge him whether he chooses to go NC or hangs in there for an inheritance, and/or feels relief when they pass. As pps have said though- there might not be one. Care home fees are burning through £96k per year for my father, who has severe Alzheimer’s and is on medication to stop him from being anxious. It is tragic to see.
It is normal to have feelings of sorrow, relief, guilt, anger, when parents pass. In my experience these feelings also accompany complex and difficult relationships with parents while they are alive.
The saddest thing of all is that it seems unlikely that they will be able to give him what he might like most in terms of unconditional love and acceptance. I hope he is able to make peace with this and with himself and that he realises that he has no need to feel bad about whatever decision he decides to make.

I had a difficult relationship with my mum. When she was ill in hospital she used to ring me up and ask me to break her out. From 200 miles away. I gently refused. I just couldn't put the added pressure on my dad who was her carer. I think there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough and put your own mental health as a priority.

Yes I was glad when my mum went recently. She had had dementia for years but she had mental health problems throughout my childhood and was never really happy.she absolutely adored her mum and I hope they are now somewhere together having a good old natter and inviting my late husband round for a brew.

The thing is, IF the OP’s dh was to go NC due to their awful behaviour and was cut out of the will, this would be yet another deep hurt to deal with.

Ive seen it happening in my family with my grand parents and father.
Theres no right answer.
But it’s certainly not about staying for the money as you imply.

This thread is a real eye opener 😥

In late stage dementia people eat less and less because their body doesn’t need it as they are slowly dying. Food should still be offered, but not forced. Tube feeding is cruel and is unlikely to prolong life much and increases the risk of aspiration pneumonia. This is what happened to my dad (who had dementia and cancer) who gradually ate less and less, then nothing at all. It was a relief when he died.

his isn't overly effective as he lies to the carers, calls them things like 'fuckmonkey' and is a general pain in the arse

I'm so sorry, but this actually made me explode with laughter!!

My Dad can be similar. If he can't find something, he exclaims "those bastard carers have stolen it", even if the missing item is as innocuous as a hearing aid battery, or a loo roll. I mean COME ON!

I was incredibly relieved When my father died.

We were taken by my grandparents when I was 7 due to the level of abuse and neglect in our home. At various points he turned up and caused trouble. Once even trying to set fire to our home.

For some reason my siblings felt obliged to visit him when he was dying. It destroyed the last remnants of our relationship because they felt I should too - my eldest brother showing his similarities by getting violent because I wouldn't capitulate to their demands.

He was a vile man and life is much more relaxed now I never have to worry about facing him ever again.

When my FIL died I felt sadness close to that of when my grandparents died - he was lovely. I'll be absolutely heartbroken when my MIL dies. She's been the closest to a Mum I've ever had.

From my observation people with difficult relationships with difficult parents usually get hit pretty hard by grief but not in a straight forward I miss them or I regret X way.

It's more the loss of the opportunity for that parent to turn round and said I'm sorry or I love you ot whatever else they secretly even unknowingly held out for

Be prepared though that your husband may grieve in a way he doesn't expect.

When my mother died it caught me off guard how strong the grief was for the mother I should have had.

It took me a while to work out and I was incredibly confused why I was so devastated because the woman was horrific. Thankfully it made sense once I realised

My parents were both narcissists, I suffered years of emotional neglect and abuse from them and they ruined my life. Worse, it took me decades to realise that they were the problem, not me.

My M is still alive and has dementia. She is in a home but I am expected to help with various practicalities, visit when possible, etc, which I do to avoid being guilted and/or made to explain my unwillingness and what I've suffered at her hands and as a result of her lack of love, kindness or even benign neglect.

Being in the same room with her even now feels like being trapped with a dangerous animal and she is still capable of verbal cruelty.

I'll be relieved when she's gone.

He's right they won't change. My DH feels the same way about his mum (FIL was a lovely guy but sadly died 5 years ago). He has given up even attempting to get her to adjust her behaviour. She just twists absolutely everything to make her the victim and everyone is unfair to her. Despite it actually being about her own abhorrent behaviour and actions.

The only thing he will auto correct on or shut down is when she starts blaming me. DH stays in contact but low level to keep the peace with other family members and to stop the hassle. But he has zero inclination of having any meaningful relationship with her.

Tell me you havent a fucking clue what youre talking about without telling me you havent a fucking cluewhat you are talking about.
Gross.

TBH, after far too much experience of dementia in 3 relatives I honestly think that the sooner people die of it (or with it) - the better. If I ever get it, I would hope and pray for the ‘galloping’ variety.

It’s so often a cause of massive stress and exhaustion to the family doing their best to care, not to mention very often endless anxiety and fretfulness to the poor sufferer, plus the total loss of dignity at the more advanced stages.

And I really hate to think of whatever dh and I have managed to accumulate for dds after we’re gone, going in care home fees. Though I’ve told them not to think twice about putting me in one, if - God forbid - it should come to that.

My mum did the slow dementia death. Didnt cry literally until a couple of years after she died. It was just a relief not to have to deal with it anymore. She would have hated who she became.

Nope
Absolutely no forgiveness here, or guilt.
And im totally fine with that.
I may feel many many emotions, but forgiveness and guilt are not any of them.

Mine are a while away from that yet I hope, mid 70s and 80. But my dad still has his 100 year old mum. Her life has no quality to it and my dad is resentful to look after her as he fell neglected as a child and it's all bubbled to the surface as hes got older.
Im predicting a difficult time as they get older . They have ALOT of money but are very mean with themselves. I see it alot on here.
Their house is deteriorating fast and is not as clean as it could be. Im disabled myself so cannot help.
They have a large garden with steep steps. A huge garage filled to the brim with old tools, paint, garden equipment etc
My mum is having progressive mobility issues. I've spoken to them at length about getting a modern bungalow etc- they just refuse.
I cant understand why they dont want a nice easy home, my mum used to be so house proud.
They only eat yellow sticker food, and by everything second hand. If they need a new appliance it is brought begrudgingly after days of shopping around to find the absolute cheapest one.
They will never ever pay for cleaners, gardeners , carers. I physically cant do it so god knows what they expect will happen

I can relate. My parents don’t sound as bad as your ILs and I don’t have very much contact with them (equally they don’t have much money so I’m not expecting much on that front). Many years of therapy and I’ve come to terms with things but I don’t think there is any point trying to change dynamics at their age and stage as I just don’t think it would achieve anything except NC. I think your DH position makes sense. I think your role here is to be emotionally supportive

I love my parents but they are old and unwell and unhappy. I think I may feel some relief once they are gone, but I also expect to be sad. However they have been loving parents. If they hadn't I think I would feel like your husband.

I won't shed a tear.

I have thought for years that I will be relieved when my mother goes and everything in my world would be right. Eventually I had a sneaking suspicion that I might not feel that way, and that I might in fact become overwhelmed by unexpected emotions, guilt etc. I started doing therapy which has been very helpful. It has also been proved to be wise, because many of my problems with my mother reside in my feelings about her and my reactions to life in general caused by being brought up in the way I was. Her death would do little to get rid of those without other work, so I am now engaged in trying to make sure her death will be as much of a non-event as possible. I have not cut her off or told her I am doing therapy. Nor have I taken her to task about anything, really. She is a grandiose narcissist and no good would come of it. I prefer to remain in contact with her if possible, so as not to rock the boats of other family members.

The carer found it amusing, fortunately, apparently he was a 'useless fuckmonkey' because he didn't know the answer to some question about Michael bloody Heseltine!

The poor chap is in his late 20s, only been in the UK for 6 years and his qualification is in pharmacy, not 'the politics of the UK circa 1966 to 2000'

Basically anyone who does not know the same random stories and anecdotes as my Dad is thick/a twat/a moron/useless.

And he's (today) gone back to claiming he can't possibly read books - never mind that in hospital he was engrossed in his books and telling people to go away until he'd finished his page/chapter. I think he is determined to be miserable in order to manipulate folk into taking him to the pub.

On the plus side, he HAS dropped 'ohhhhh im dying, take me to hospital' as he is now terrified of being stuck there for weeks on end. Downside, he now hasn't had a seizure in months and is starting to say we've invented them/they never happened, he must have just tripped etc etc.

It is just a rollercoaster of twattery and its very hard to figure out what he genuinely has forgotten/doesn't understand/can't do, vs what he is just being a dick about!

I don’t think going NC would be kind. It’s not as if they are able to change now. He just needs to accept that that is how they are. That doesn’t mean you have to be pushovers and do more than your fair share, though. Whether or not his siblings have children has nothing to do with it - except it means they have more spare time to help their parents out.

Plenty of people work in jobs they hate for the money. Surely this is no different?

Unfortunately Mother is hitting 87

We have spent the past 20 years living in gods waiting room, and still she keeps going

DH is now questioning that he might passing before her

Our lives are frozen, because she refuses to use her money to pay for the care she needs

She lives with us, I cook , shop and clean for her. She has AF, cancer ( manageable not terminal ) she sits in her chair all day

I will, no matter what I do , gain her love or approval

No matter what I do its not right, not enough

I have to listen to her right wing racist crap . I have to listen to her give off at having to pay tax - she's worth a fortune so of course she pays tax - she's never forgiven the BBC for taking away her free tv licence , and is cursing this government for taking away the heating allowance ( she never used it ) . All I hear all day is hatred and vitriol , it wears me out, it depresses me, it stresses me

We ( DH and I ) are in our 60's and are desperate to go to Australia to see my sister and his son. We have never been, Ive more family there then I do here - I dont have children - yet we cant go as she won't go into respite nor pay for a companion . This is another source of stress to me as DH keeps on that we have to go - but how can I leave her?

My parents were only parents in the sense they bought us kids into the world. They never loved us, they never looked after us . Luckily DF had the decency to drink himself into an early grave 30 years ago and I never shed a tear, never missed him