Husband admitted he will be relieved when his parents die. Does anyone else feel that way?

[Shadowpine47]

I will admit I feel the same but it’s not my family.
His family are difficult. More than that, they’re selfish and entitled.
This feels like an awful thing to say as his mum now has dementia, and once someone is ill or dies you’re not allowed to be honest about who they were but she was a cow. Manipulative, queen bee, everything had to be done on her terms or the tears would appear. I have so many stories. Sometimes I enjoy reading “MIL” threads just so I can relate! When I think back to our early years, wow, the things we put up with. Obviously she is no longer like this and we help care for her occasionally (she comes to stay now and then for some respite).
His dad is worse. So mean. Couldn’t care less about his grandchildren. We are the only ones in the family with kids, two siblings who never had any… freely admitted they’re too selfish to want them. My DH is the opposite of them, the most kind hearted, unselfish soul.
His family put a lot of pressure on us, we have to be the ones to call, visit, ask about them. If we meet them we’re expected to pay for meals, coffees, we have to make a fuss. We do our best to help and support (out of guilt), without thanks and sometimes even abuse if it’s deemed not good enough. I’ve told my husband he doesn’t have to put up with it, after another awful row between him and his dad on Father’s Day. He told me through tears…. Do you know what, I have put up with them for over 40 years. My dad is 80, my mum has dementia, they’re never going to change and they won’t live forever, I’m not going to cut myself off now (insinuating cutting himself off from a pretty sizeable inheritance) it will be a relief when they are gone.
My parents are alive and well, a lot younger than his and lovely so I can’t relate. Will he regret how he feels about them? Would he be better to tell his dad how he really feels? Will he feel guilt when they’re gone for what he thinks?
Does anyone else honestly feel this way about their parents?
I don’t know if I should be encouraging him to “just get through it” (my current position) if I should be advising him to go NC (we don’t NEED the money but it would be life changing as in… our kids would have house deposits, we could retire earlier etc but of course it’s never guaranteed) or if I should be encouraging him to make some kind of peace with who they are and maybe they have redeeming qualities he could focus on?
How is this going to play out for the next 10 years

I hear him.

Every now and then I say to my sister how grateful I am that our parents had quick deaths in their 60s, as I'm watching my friends run themselves into the ground trying to parent teens/young adults, and hold top of their careers posts, whilst also care for elderly relatives and all the deterioration that goes with it.

Hell yes to the question.

And my parents are/were basically good people with whom I had a good, albeit slightly distant, relationship (they are of an age and class which prioritised independence and avoided emotinal intimacy).

Even when they were healthy, I dreaded a long drawn-out period of aged ill health. I think I'd seen it with my grandparents so it was something I thought about much more than is probably normal. I felt weirdly envious of DH when his father dropped dead aged 83 of a heart attack and his mother died a year later after a brief illness. He was very sad but his sadness had a purity to it because he'd never had to make that awful switch from being parented to parenting them. It's so corrosive having to parent your parents.

You get to an age when you're too old to be someone's child. It's only relatively recently that so many people lived into their 80s and 90s - I think our hardwired evolution hasn't really caught up with this reality.

My father was 88 and his last year was bloody awful. I was relieved. My mother is only 81 and if she lives to the same age as her mother has another dozen years to go. In a care home, she has advanced dementia, is immobile, finds communication hard, cries a lot but is generally not actively unhappy, I don't think. She has no real enjoyment in life, can't read or do the things she used to love. If she lives as long as I think she will (she has nothing wrong with her and certainly won't die of the most common thing, a fall), her care will cost well over a million pounds. I will have made the ardous journey to visit her once or twice a week nearly a thousand times. I will have got depressed and sad about it that as many times. I will have argued about her care with my brothers, who I love and I don't want to argue with. I will have missed times with my friends and family. My work will be compromised until my retirement.

So yes, I will be relieved when she dies both for selfless (end her suffering) and selfish (end my burden) reasons. I don't think I'm a monster for that - I can't think why anyone would want this to go on and on.

@YesMyFeelingsAreValid I'm so sorry you went through all that. No child deserves that from their parents. I'm glad that you are now reaching out for the help and support you want and deserve.

Ha, I saw that too. Trying to think of non-selfish reasons to have kids. Everyone is selfish. We just want different things.

It's only relatively recently that so many people lived into their 80s and 90s - I think our hardwired evolution hasn't really caught up with this reality

Yes, my 83 year old Dad would have died about 3 times now, were it not for modern medicine. Is it right, given that his quality of life is so poor? He would say yes, as he doesn't want to die, but he has no appreciation of the enormous pressure my sibling and I are under, keeping him comfortable & making sure that everything happens when it should. It's as if the fairies really do exist!

@LF11 I can totally relate to this. We are further down the road and DM has eventually given in to a gardener and a cleaner. If she had a personal chauffeur, life would be managable for the rest of us. Got to say she isn't particularly emotional, but I find her really hard work. It's her tone and manner mainly. I am very angry with what she expected myself and my DB to do for DF during his long, drawn out illness. I didn't want to hold his penis when he had a wee, or wipe his bum when he had a poo; I am his child, not his wife. Did she care about how we felt? Not a jot. The expectations she put on us, his children, were as if we were also his spouse, and it was too much. I have never been close to her and the anger I feel at her behaviour won't leave me; I was forced to visit DF 4/5 times a week/ every other day, for 7 months with her, when she could have gone on her own, and watch him waste away. Now that's all I can really remember, when I'd rather have recalled much happier things. I won't miss her when she's gone, I'll just feel a huge mental burden has lifted. I do feel guilty, as she's helped me out financially many years ago, but that was my DF's £ and his decision ultimately; I didn't ask for it, they offered. I adored my DF; absolutely adored him. I realise now he was the buffer between us, and now he's gone, I feel like my relationship with her is like scratching my nails down a blackboard. Sad, but we can't control who we gel with, and who we don't, family or not.

I had a great relationship with my dmil loved her to bits but also wished her to pass peacefully before dementia meant she lost all her dignity and quality of life which she did. I also felt the same way about my dm although because of a complex family situation caused by dsis i also think her passing will bring closure to the situation and I do feel a bit guilty for thinking that way

Something I will only admit to on here and to my family I wish dsis who is in poor health would die the hurt and upset she has caused out of pure greed to get all of dm money has been horrendous. Would be a bonus if she went before dm and didn't get it after all but that is probably me being awful person but she will just blow the money like she has done all her adult life.

I have some sympathy with the point that most of us will be in that position in 20, 30 or 40 years. An old person, with some degree of physical and mental pain, who isn't always great to be around.

And maybe never was; or not as much as we thought. None of us knows how we're perceived by others, especially our nearest and dearest. Or how many people we've upset, knowingly or otherwise, in the genuine belief that we were right about something and they were wrong. You only have to look at MN to see this playing out at a much younger age!

Maybe we'll be crabby and anxious and have bizarre, irritating habits. Maybe we'll bore the pants off people but they maintain a relationship out of respect and duty, with one eye on the will. Maybe we'll be intolerant and obnoxious. Maybe we'll be the twinkly-eyed, lively, game old thing who everybody loves.

I imagine being a very old person is like being a parent. You really can't predict what kind you're going to be.

Not coming down on either side (clue's in the name lol). I felt nothing when my NC dad died. I tried to feel a bit sad, to the extent that he'd earned that feeling. I loved my mum very much, so in her case I was curious to find that relief was mixed in with the grief.

So I totally expect my own DC to feel relieved too, and wouldn't begrudge them it one bit. I guess it's just a question of how much, and if that's the only feeling they have!

Even when you have a good loving relationship the end of life for your parents can be hard with things like dementia - I adored my father (even though there were complexities to our relationship) but would have spared him the last few months of his life if I could and he passed relatively quickly in the grand scheme of things. If they are horrible people I imagine it’s much more complicated.

It's a difficult one. My mother died nearly 20 years ago, and much as I loved her, she tried to control me my whole life - didn't like my career choice, any boyfriends always had something 'wrong' with them, etc. We used to have horrible screaming rows which used to take it out of both of us, and she died following a short illness. I wouldn't say I was 'relieved' but I did feel as if a burden had been lifted from me and I was free at last. But you know what, as the years pass, I miss her (and my father too) more and more and often shed a tear for the good times we had, which were many. So I would say try to see the good in your parents in law, despite their many shortcomings.

My mum was a wonderful lady and I loved, and still do love, her very much. There was still an element of relief when she died, though. She developed dementia and the last few years were difficult for various reasons. I think it's quite a natural emotion to feel.

Yes its crap. My good friend just back from well earned hol. Run ragged from elderly parent. We had 13 yrs of dads care post stroke. Hard on my mother at time

Thank you for this thread, I found it so useful.

I have PTSD from my parents abuse so yes, I feel the same

@Nanny0gg

My stepfather does pretty much nothing but sit in a chair and do the daily mail crossword. His passion was music, he lost the capacity to play the piano several years ago. He looks as miserable as sin.
I was truly shocked at the state my mother was in yesterday. She is becoming more and more confused and is scared to leave the house. Looking at her hunched over in a wheelchair frightened of wetting herself, was not what you want for your mum. She cannot see to read or watch the TV. Her life is filled with anxiety, stress and pain.
This is not life, its just existence.
They are both practising Christians who believe they are going to a better place.

This is very common.. even if you have a good relationship with your parents! This is nothing to be ashamed of and often mixes with grief
Especially if a parent was very frail or ill and needed a lot of care. However much you love them there will be some relief when it's finally over.
I'll be absolutely devastated when my mum dies but I'm sure there will be an amount of relief too.
I feel awful saying that and I know when she dies it will completely ruin me on some levels but in the spirit of honesty I must admit to expecting relief in some ways too.
Grief can throw up so many different emotions.
I lost my dad very suddenly a few years back and it was an emotional rollerciaster. I was close with him and loved him very much. It was a big shock that has effected me deeply. But again there have also been positives amongst the loss. Sometimes it makes the loss harder. You feel so guilty for realising there are positive things that came out of the loss.
Just be kind to yourself when grieving and also to other people who are grieving. It effects everyone differently and isn't always the straight path you would expect. There are people out there with difficult family relationships who do experience nothing but relief when their parents die. And that's fine. It doesn't make them a bad person.

Unfortunately this is the effect of an ageing population. Medicine is getting so good now elderly hang on for much longer, putting more strain on the NHS and their loved ones. I don't know what the answer is.

I agree, I think it leaves us all backed into a corner with no good options😬

Remember they can leave it all to the cats home if they choose to. Don’t sell them the next 10-20 years of your life.

I was certainly relieved when Mother died, and she went how I expected - alcohol related seizure, we found her on the bedroom floor. We'd have found her sooner if she wasn't in the habit of ignoring phone calls for days purely for shits and giggles!

She was extremely hard work post retirement (she was given the option to retire or be booted for repeatedly turning up drunk), started really drinking excessively, stopped eating, bought endless food she did not eat just to cover up the 'going to the shops for alcohol', so her house was filthy and full of rotting food..

She needed care but there was no way she was ever going to accept it.

Now... I do find myself wishing my Dad would just pass in his sleep. He made it home from hospital following seizures and pneumonia recently, he is having one carer visit a day to basically make sure he is upright, has had meds and been offered food - this isn't overly effective as he lies to the carers, calls them things like 'fuckmonkey' and is a general pain in the arse.

He insists he must go to the pub every night (that has been his routine for at least the last 30 years) and as he cannot drive this means someone else has to take him. Some days, none of us can and there is no friend/paid person available either.

On those days despite being given advanced warning that there is no pub trip, he will ring me, trying to play me off against my sister, telling me he is desperate and worried and she's being mean/rude/has vanished and he doesn't know where as he was expecting her. He will ring my phone 10 times or more, after being told 'nope, you were told X can't take you, we also can't take you, watch tv and have a beer from the fridge'.

Then he leaves voice mail messages about how he is going to kill himself, how his life is so miserable (in his gorgeous country property with gardens he can sit out in, his tv, his DAB radio with a choice of pre-recorded playlists of old favourites as well, a veritable library of books he has forgotten reading, a pile of jigsaws....) there is nothing to do...

Basically he wants someone round there all the time to follow about, yak at (not listen to, never ever that, if you try to tell him something about your life he'll just tell you he isn't interested), and entertain him. Since spending several months in hospital he also seems to think he doesn't have to put his cup in the dishwasher or get things from the fridge himself, which he is perfectly capable of doing.

And the best thing through the bloody heatwave, is him ringing to say he is SOOOOOO HOT and he may die of it... and then you find out he's lit the fucking logburner in the livingroom that will heat the main part of the house to 'core of the sun' temps the way he's stoked it, without going outside to find out if its actually hot (its a very cool house naturally, if it needs warming in summer just open a couple of windows and doors!).

We've tried jamming the door shut - he went and got a crowbar. We stuck a note on it asking him to go outside first - he put that in the fire and burnt it. We stopped putting firewood in the conservatory and started leaving it in the cowshed, so he has to walk outside to get it - he does and fetches a barrow full...

UGH! He is only going to get worse and more miserable!

It was a relief when my mum died, she died quickly but she was very hard work in life, she loved playing games and making you feel bad about yourself. She never praised us, just commented she coukd do better.I have never cried about her dying. She did leave me some money but I just put it in the bank.

i think the reason they’re not paying for help is staring you in the face - people like your in-laws adore power and the inheritance is the hold they exert over you. It’s the hold that’s got you showering a woman you openly acknowledge had no feelings for you. Whilst you may be the pragmatic one who can face that truth unflinchingly, perhaps your dh feels less comfortable knowing he’s being played?

Well, not having kids does not make people selfish so Id like to remove that insult first.Also the poster using the phrase 'elderlies' is very insulting and ageist, addinIg'lies' to an adjective is very infantilising.Older people are human beings.Perhaps your children will be relieved when you die.But dont assume you will get any money.People do weird things with wills.You too will be lying in that hospital ward shitting yoursel or not knowing what is going on.Jusy give it time

I've always wondered how Bryan Johnson will age.