Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Sending wine to all.

I’m here on my short break away with 10 yo ds. I’ve had a missed call from
a mobile I don’t recognise and a garbled transcript of the voicemail (I’m
at a theme park so I wasn’t about to stop and listen to the voicemail). It was the carers saying something unintelligible about meals, family and kind and cancelling visits and being unsure. All my communication to them is via email and due to being autistic I am very pedantic in my emails to ensure I’m not misunderstood. I’m less caring on here because I’m so fucking tired. No visits have been cancelled. Meals are in the freezer and supposed to be taken out the night before to defrost in the fridge. Not on the side in some foil in the blazing sun. Anyway, I didn’t phone them back. I’d had a missed call from my mum too at lunch time. I’d nesssged her this morning to say hello and send her a photo of Ds to say we’d arrived safely as we left before 5am and travelled by train and taxi and tube and two more trains and a bus. We do message daily anyway so that’s not an issue the morning check in. I’m annoyed at the lunch time call and then the mid afternoon call from the carers. If anything has changed I’d have notified them via email. It’s beyond a joke. Thankfully mum is doing much better this week to the point the physio is impressed with her. Why is getting carers proving more trouble than it’s worth? All I get is apologies and either excuses but with promises to do better or apologies, agreement it’s not good enough and promises to do better. The latter from the owner.
I had a meltdown today with everything going on plus things not ok on our break so it’s been a constant stress rather than fun and relaxing. I could scream. Thank goodness it’s soon the summer holidays so they’ll be 5 weeks of no bullying

I said a few days ago we were taking my mum (dementia) to a care home for respite for a couple weeks, first ever overnight away. Apparently after the first couple of hours she has been fine! Such a relief. My dad is slowly unwinding with much needed rest.

I don't drink but need an equivalent of wine @Dormit . DH away this weekend to check up on FIL and now BIL is in hospital. You couldn't make it up. And my parents are going through a rough spot too. Feel pulled all ways 😥

@kippersmum very sorry to hear about your DF. That’s a lot of plates you have spinning.

@Dormit sorry to hear your break’s not going well. This is why we pretty much gave up on holidays. Some carers are better than others though. Maybe try another one and have them running a visit a day while you’re around do they’re ‘ready’ next time you go away? It might also be that things aren’t so bad as they seem from the messages. A garbled transcript tends to amp up the drama ime. Try and enjoy your remaining time, turn the phone off.

@NotMeNoNo good news!

@Mumbles12 try to find some time for yourself, too.

@SockFluffInTheBath I’m so sorry to hear your update on MIL and I hope you get all the help you need to keep her comfortable.

@kippersmum welcome and I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time.

@NotMeNoNo thank you for sharing, I think we all need to hear when things go better.

@Dormit our experience of visiting care was challenging - brilliant and dire - but you didn’t know which you were going to get and many garbled phone calls. I hope persevering with instructions to management - and being unavailable - helps get things under control. You cannot be there all the time and you need a break.

@CaveMum district nurses are brilliant - when you can get hold of them - and things always seem to go wrong at the weekend. I hope catheter gets sorted.

So now BIL is in hospital for a week and FIL is on his way back to stay with us having been home living with BIL for four weeks in the house they share. They live three hours away. Last time he was here for 13 weeks. They won't move here as they don't like our (rough / ugly/ provincial/ cultural desert ) small city. This is yet another crisis that could have been avoided. BIL will have no visitors this week and will be very anxious and lonely in hospital. DH has no leave left due to last care episode so has to be back here for work. For years we have asked them to move up here but they have refused. So fed up with the intransigent attitude to that and to any form of bought in care support 😣

@Mumbles12 it is frustrating when they won’t make practical changes like moving or accepting outside help. This episode suggests your FIL needs a more resilient solution than leaning on BIL. With your own parents struggling too you have a lot to juggle, wishing you strength and hoping there are some changes of mind.

@Mumbles12that’s enraging, I’m so sorry. I think it’s so unfair that children are so often expected to pick up the pieces of poor parental decision making.

I got back home last night and I sm
exhausted. A long and detailed complaint has gone in to the resort. I’m beginning to think I somehow don’t deserve a break with the way things go wrong every time I try to have one.

I listened to the voicemail from the carers that was left on Saturday afternoon. It’s the on call manager to say the carers were saying that the family were cancelling visits on both Saturday and Sunday and wanted me to let them know if this was the case because she hadn’t heard anything about it. The care notes, which are often incomprehensible, said that my mum told them I’d cancelled the visit because people were visiting. I hadn’t cancelled anything because I didn’t know when they’d be there or what was happening.
On Saturday I’d also had a missed call from my mum. I’ve just listened to it and she had evidently accidentally called me while family were visiting. I’m NC with these family members for good reason. She was saying how she wishes I’d cut ds’s hair and how that at his next school they won’t allow long hair. She’s wrong, plenty of boys at the school have long hair. She showed the family a photo of him and there was an unpleasant reply. So I’m feeling pretty upset this morning again. Not only was my replacement break away disrupted by phone calls/messages due to her messing things up and the carers being incompetent, my family have also been making comments about my ds. Sexist nonsense that I call her out on every time but she still does it. My mum has short hair and has never had long hair even as a child but that’s different apparently. Ds gets compliments on his hair every where we go and it’s part of who he is. He’s never had short hair except when it was first growing as a baby and he loves his hair. If he wanted it cutting then I’d make an appointment. I don’t need to justify it, I’m just upset.
I was originally going to go to see my mum today but I’m so tired and developed a sore throat while away so I’m going to have a rest. The carers finish on Thursday morning so I’ve got 3 days left of my two week break <hollow laugh>

I’ve had a message from mum today asking when I’m going up because there’s laundry that needs doing. I said it would be when the carers end because I’m on holiday and they can do laundry. In fact it’s on her care plan. She said nobody told her I was going to be on holiday for 2 weeks when we have had this conversation a few times. She said she wasn’t going to manage if I’m not going to be there and then when I again explained about having a break she said she’d just have to manage. I hate that phrase of martyrdom and told her to pack it in. She complained I hadn’t even asked how she was. I can hear in her tone of voice how she is and no I hadn’t asked her because I was on the school run to get Ds and was just quickly replying about the laundry. I got the “I thought you were my carer” guilt trip but refused to get on board and said that didn’t mean I wasn’t allowed a holiday. She’s all woe is me and I can’t cope because of the pain when walking but refuses to even discuss a wheelchair. She just complains what is in place isn’t working and gets all sad voice about it. My brother has noticed too that she’s so negative all the time.
I took her to task about her sexism and she said she’s entitled to her opinion 🙄 She mentions his hair at nearly every visit. He’s bullied at school but not for his hair and he can do without any shit from family.

@dormit what happens if you don’t go back to the pre-‘holiday’ routine? What would happen if you’d died of fright at the theme park? I’m being ridiculous but you get the idea. They would all find a way to cope. So why not let them? Turn your phone to silent for the last few days.

MIL told me it was lovely to see me this evening. No idea who I am, but still so nice to get a smile from her. And we giggled about DH having nice legs (she’s obsessed with legs).

@SockFluffInTheBaththat’s funny about the legs and lovely you could have a laugh.

Another email has gone out tonight in reply to the latest excuses and now lies. The owner is contradicting the carer’s own notes so I’ve asked which version is true. They must accept people with no training or experience and give them very little training. They are saying there isn’t enough time to do all the tasks-give morphine and prepare a simple meal and drink and tidy up after themselves. That’s because they sit on the sofa chatting instead of doing the tasks they are being paid for. Less chat, more do! I’m used to whizzing round doing multiple things at once and they move around like they are sightseeing on holiday.

@Dormit when our father was prescribed 2 carers 4 times a day, he said they spent half their visits talking to each other… in a different language (in retrospect, I realise they may have been discussing what he needed or their despair at being so short of time when the needs were many). At least if the carers are talking to the person needing care it is of some social benefit. I’m sorry your break hasn’t been as you’d hoped - and your DS is judged by family, rubbish they can’t accept him as he is or be supportive.

Maybe the silver lining is a few things learnt for next time you have a break? You deserve a next time 💐

@Dormit they don’t whizz though, compared to you and me they dawdle, but I suppose the argument is they have to keep it up all day even though we do. I calmed myself by reminding myself they’re in a strange kitchen, with different bits and bobs to use, a bit like being in a holiday cottage, so it takes longer. Add in an older person who isn’t giving a straight answer about what they want to eat and how hungry they are and it takes longer than it needs to. Unfortunately for you the bedding in period has cost you most of your break, but if you can convince her to keep them on then it should work next time..,

If I'm doing something vital and ongoing forever every couple of weeks it's going to be done to my schedule and if golden balls wants it done to a different schedule he can bloody well sort out another way for it to be done. Except he won't because that would involve effort and problem solving on his part so he'll just carry on whinging and telling me I should do it differently. But that's tough shit and he'll just have to carry on being unhappy about it because I ain't budging.

@countrygirl99 so hard when golden child is moaning but won't do anything. A friend had similar for years. After her DP died she totally cut any contact with him because he'd been insufferable for years.
@Dormit I long for FIL to accept carers - other than his children! - but can see that this will not be the panacea I hope for
@NotMeNoNo - how is the respite care going?

@Mumbles12 DB can't do the task (filling mum's pivotell) as he lives 5 hours away. The carers aren't prepared to do it. The other options are he hands ordering the meds over to me (but he likes being in charge), asks one of his DC who lives near mum to do it but he has very young children so they are rightly his priority or try to find carers who are prepared to do it. It's not actually a big job, takes a couple of minutes but my visits are timed around my life so he often has to order a few days early (like at 24-26 days instead of 28) and for some reason it irritates the hell out of him and induces complaints every time.

I spoke to the director yesterday and I am hoping things are not sorted. They won’t contact me unless it’s urgent. Mum has agreed to another week of carers so I might get a rest now.

@countrygirl99 the phrase he wants to have his cake and to eat it comes to mind... Friend's brother also dictated from a distance of a couple of hundred miles. Do you think that there's a manual on how to do that?

There must be. Can't find it in Amazon though.

Sorry to hear of so many struggles.

@SockFluffInTheBath I am glad that you are getting to spend precious time with your lovely MIL giggling about your DH's knees, so sorry to hear the news.

@Dormit I hope that the care manager can iron out any issues so you can actually get a week off. Your Mum doesn't know how lucky she is to have you. She isn't entitled to your help so unless it works for you to care for her you can back away, she doesn't sound like she is very understanding of your son or your needs.

@Mumbles12 it doesn't sound like the situation with FIL living with BIL works long term, when a carer goes into hospital emergency respite has to be found, what would happen if you didn't jump in and bring him to yours?

@countrygirl99 I feel your pain. Why is golden balls ordering meds from afar if you are doing the pivotell, would it be easier for you to do it yourself via NHS online app on your timescale as you manage it?

I think we have been lucky of late as DF has been stable which is good because I have been very busy with taking the Local Authority to SEND Tribunal for my DS and supporting my disabled niece and her young children.

SALT saw DF yesterday and he needs different meals to prevent choking so I need to order some, although the choices of flavours seem quite limited. We have had a few issues with carers giving out of date food (DF cannot read the BB dates), but after the third time which resulted in him needing antibiotics I raised yet another complaint and the manager seems to have changed the carers around and no further issues.

@countrygirl99 our social services department has a medical management team and once they saw that DM was incapable of remembering to take her medication they took it over completely. They do the repeat ordering, collection and the carers give her the medication. There’s a form they fill in. All I had to do was provide a small safe for it all to be kept in. Can you speak to social services in your area to see if they do something similar?

I know it’s yet another task for you - it drives me nuts, you think oh I must do that for Mum and one phone call generates another 5. I had to ring Virgin this week to check whether DMs landline is still on copper wire (it is) but in order for them to speak to me I had to give the password (no idea), date of last bill ( no idea), cost of last bill (no idea). In the end I got fed up and said look, she’s 87, has Alzheimer’s and all I’m trying to do is notify you that you need to change her to a digital landline so her lifeline will continue to work. Oh, you’ll have to wait for a letter they said then contact us again. Which she will open and put in a random drawer and I won’t find it until I’m looking for a hearing aid which she’s tidied away because she doesn’t need two.
And don’t get me started on Welsh water.

Now to ring the council about tiger bags.

I don't mind filling the pivotell. It's not a big job and I'd be going up anyway. It's the constant whining from DB about it that irritates me. Is rather order the meds myself but he refuses to hand it over. I'm not at the same GP as mum- I live an hour away - so don't think I can add her to my NHS app. DB does it through an online pharmacy app for delivery to me that I'd need to get set up on.