Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Dad's been returned to the nursing home. Apparently social services are assessing him today as ironically the 4 weeks nhs funding expired yesterday. Further ridiculousness yesterday when the hospital put him in the discharge lounge and he ended up waiting for transport for 5 hours (that's a bed bound, totally dependent on others for everything totally confused and their only focus was getting the bed back)

I hear you @countrygirl99. We had the same with DMs remote doorbell speaker. I found it under the kitchen sink. I’ve hidden the Alexa behind the TV in a corner that’s inaccessible to her.

Good grief @Lightuptheroom i do wonder sometimes if some people in hospitals are in the right jobs. I hope they put a better plan put together for him.

There should be a common sense test for all hospital staff, doctors included. My dad was on 12 different medications that were for his blood pressure or would lower it as a side effect. They were concerned he was having falls and “cardiac episodes” so I requested a meeting and the registrar gave me his drug kardex and asked me which ones I’d stop. I’m a nurse but even so for a registrar to be asking me what medication needs stopping is worrying.

the carers continue to mess things up and boy are they slow. Like they’ve got all the time in the world to do things when there’s 30 minutes which is actually enough time to say here’s your medicine, quickly heat or cook a simple meal and put the rubbish out. They aren’t doing any personal care at all. I’ve lost track of all the emails and phone calls now but I’ve booked to go away this weekend and am really looking forward to it.

I'm glad you're getting away Dormit.

@Dormit definitely go.

Big week this week, my mum is going into a care home for 2 weeks respite, for my poor dad who is so tired it was that or we confiscated his car keys. She has late stage dementia and doesn’t sleep well, as well as obviously being very needy and confused all day. First time in this home and has only done day visits somewhere else.

I ordered labels a few months ago in anticipation, presumably need to take some familiar things from home but nothing irreplaceable in case lost or hidden? any other tips?

I think Dad will be all over the place suddenly being in a quiet empty house. hope I’ve done the right thing railroading them into it!

Make more of an effort to look less tired… did you laugh in their faces?

I want to practice retorts to this kind of nonsense: Oh, I’m so very sorry if my looking burned out makes you feel uncomfortable.

@NotMeNoNo sounds like you are doing absolutely the right thing. Fingers crossed it goes well, and your DF gets some sleep.

@FiniteSagacity normally it would barely be more polite than foxtrot oscar, but I’m very teary at the moment so I just mentally added it to the pile of heavy things. I think MIL’s leukaemia diagnosis has really knocked me for six.

@SockFluffInTheBath you have been juggling a heavy load for a long time, sometimes it feels impossible that there could be more to cope with. This too shall pass in time but it’s also okay to say it’s very very hard going through it - for you and your family, as well as for MIL (and FIL).

I wanted to say that I love your username - reminds me of when my eldest (currently waiting for his A level results!) used to be scared of the bath because of sock fluff!

That’s quite sweet, it’s funny the things they come up with! I think it was a reference to all the fluff left from DH’s thick, black work socks that was malingering in the bath at the time.

I think being angry is my default coping strategy, not ideal I know, but this is just a bit too much now. We’ll find out on Friday if the burst of chemotherapy has brought down her sky-high white blood count. Not really anything else to do if it hasn’t worked, if it has worked she can have the maintenance treatment. She’s not had any side effects, no idea if that’s indicative of anything, trying not to google! I know we’re on borrowed time either way, I just want her to be happy.

Now the teenagers leave loads of sock fluff malingering in the bath (because only I can rinse the bath, obviously) but it helps to remember when they were little.

I have everything crossed that things look better on Friday and she can have more happy days.

Being the household bath rinser is a talent indeed, not everyone can achieve such heights 😅

thank you, me too.

I’m training Dd to be the rinser of her own bath/shower.

The carers have now been going in a full week and I’ve still managed to do 25 hours of caring tasks for my mum because of the many problems we’ve had. Basics like food hygiene and not washing their hands before preparing food. They keep offering me chats about the problems but I just want them to sort their shit out and get on with it. Raw meat left on the side to be cooked and eaten the next day and now an open tin of soup in the fridge with the lid plonked down on top of what was left. There’s plenty of cling film and freezer bags and bowls or containers to put leftovers in. Such basic things to be getting wrong. I again had to spend ages sorting out the various wheelie bins that had the wrong things in despite them assuring me all the carers knew how to dispose of things correctly. The bins all gave a big sign on saying what can go in them but no, stuff everywhere. The staff are lovely and mum likes them but they need some basic training. I think all care staff should do a food hygiene course as part of their training. I pointed out where the handwashing things were and said they could use kitchen towel instead of sharing towels. The soap and hand wash haven’t been used. There’s a week left of my so-called holiday and I’m hoping it will be less stressful that this one and actually restful.

Hugs and wine to all. I’ll catch up properly tomorrow with what’s happening.

I feel your pain. I have had an enforced change of care company by the council it is going as well as everyone predicted… I recently drew a little line on the bottle of dettol spray in the kitchen… needless to say when I returned to mum’s (I am 200 miles away so there every other week for a few days) my suspicions confirmed not being used. I also hate the fact that they are turning me into a person who draws lines on bottles of dettol …

I have a meeting tomorrow with the company who are taking over Mum’s care from the local council. I am not filled with confidence.

Social services have now done their assessment, no surprise that he needs permanent nursing care. But, the nursing home that the hospital insisted on discharging him to 5 weeks ago because it was the 'only one available' is now 'too expensive" for the council so he will likely have to be moved. They're applying for CHC but the usual 'not hopeful' mutterings. Social worker finally acknowledged what we've been saying for at least 2 years since we started dealing with adult services that my parents house doesn't belong to them (housing association) , no savings so both my mum and now dad are 'fully funded' Why discharge someone to a nursing home that they can't stay in?

@dormit complain, loudly, mention safeguarding. It’s not good enough, they shouldn’t need family supervision.

@BestIsWest fingers crossed for that.

@Lightuptheroom i do wonder something what some of these people are thinking. They’re just names in a page, scenarios to learn.

Had a call with the hospital this morning. The chemotherapy hasn’t worked, MIL’s white blood cell count is still increasing. There is one more drug that might work, but everyone is in agreement it’s not the right thing at this stage. We’re bringing her home, no more treatment, and the hospital will engage palliative care. It’s so very sad, she’s so lovely. She’s the nicest, most genuine person I ever met.

@SockFluffInTheBath I'm sorry, that's so not what you wanted to hear.

@SockFluffInTheBath so sorry to hear that

Meeting went ok but it was obvious Social Services had not passed a single scrap of information to the care company.

@SockFluffInTheBathI'm so sorry

things are okay now because handwashing has been added to the care plan along with signs put on the bins so the carers know which bins to use. There’s already a listed printed on the bins by the council and handwashing needs to be added to a care plan-really??!!

Christ. You couldn't make it up.

Please can I join your lovely thread. My dad is dying from MDS Leukaemia. I love him to bits but we have a tricky relationship. My mum is brilliant but for the first time ever is completely useless, she's in total denial Dad is dying. I can see why. Just to add in to the mix my severely autistic and ADHD 18 year old and an extremely high achieving 17 year old who has been hospitalised for anorexia but thankfully is recovering. I can see what I've just put and I'm worrying it's outing but I'm at the end of my tether. I just need some moral support.

@SockFluffInTheBath I’m so sorry the news was not better for your MIL.

@Dormit it beggars belief at times doesn’t it.

@kippersmum sorry for your situation, pull up a chair and feel free to offload as much as you need to.

At this end they had to call out the district nurse to change dad’s catheter last night as it was blocked. Mum noticed this morning that it was a different type of catheter to his usual type so asked me to call the nurses (mum is very hard of hearing so can’t use the phone, dad had to call the DNs last night but he’s nearly as deaf as she is 🙄) to find out if someone can let her know how to change his leg bag, which needs doing every few days.

I spent 20 mins on hold before anyone answered the phone and was then told someone would call me back to confirm. That was at 10.45 this morning. Still waiting for the call back.

Thank you for letting me join the club no wants to be part of. It's just really difficult. Is it really awful for me to say I tested positive for covid on Thursday, I obviously feel fairly rotten but it's the 9th I've had it so no big drama. However it means I'm absolutely off duty for the weekend unless my dad is about to drop dead. I have a weekend off! Being the dutiful daughter from a distance, it's so much easier