Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

DB reminds her that they died decades ago. She doesn't get especially upset. I think he is trying to make her remember but I don't think dementia works like that. DM as a person is disappearing

Hi @GnomeDePlume you're right, dementia doesn't work like that.

Can you tell your brother that he'll never succeed in reorientating your mother, and that it is kinder (and absolutely recommended) to go along with whatever the person with dementia says and believes.

Far better to agree about your mum seeing her parents. Even though they're long dead.

Agree with this. We agreed with all sorts with MIL just to keep her ticking along- Her parents were alive and coming to collect her, she had sisters (only brothers), FIL was a woman. There’s literally no point in correcting her, even if it only upsets her a little to hear someone is dead that’s a little bit of upset that’s unnecessary.

@HoraceGoesBonkers hello! So sorry your not so ‘D’M hasn’t changed. It’s really all too much, and I hope your sister will be well again.

I have read a few chapters of Oliver James “Contented Dementia “ , it is very clear that correcting the person doesn’t help the situation. Quite a relief to me as it’s much nicer just to jolly DF along rather than asking tricky questions like where in fact was he the morning of the Probus meeting, because the Probus chair said he wasn’t there.
Would be easier if DM ( who I am now suspecting has a different type of dementia that has changed her previously kind personality to mostly unpleasant) wasn’t shouting incoherently in the background every time DF gets it wrong, which is often. They then shout at each other and me to referee.

SIL has reported similar interactions between her MIL ( who has dementia) and FIL.

Its such a horrible illness and so sad to watch the dying embers of long term relationships ruined by its impacts.

With mum it's cruise holidays. Doesn't matter where you mention it she sees on TV she's been there on a cruise. Even landlocked places like Walsall or off the wall places like DRC/North Korea. At least there are cruises to Antarctica although she's never been on one.

@countrygirl99 that sounds familiar! Although DM did travel a lot at home and abroad so it is often true. The story she told the dementia specialist at the memory clinic about being caught in the Christchurch earthquake definitely wasn’t though. She had been there but years before.

Her latest thing is that my DF was best friends with Andy Burnham. He was involved in Labour politics and I think met him once but that’s as far as it went, I think. I just nod these days.

Mum went through a phase of telling us the taught Lewis Hamilton to read. He did go to the infant school she taught at but he only started just before she left and she wasn't teaching reception. Years before she only knew he was at her school because DS1 read his biography.

Thank you!

I was a bit worried that I was doing it wrong. Reassuring to know that just nodding along and not contradicting isnt going to do any harm.

DB still thinks that with the right approach DM will get better. I don't see how that can be possible, DM has dementia (though still not yet diagnosed) and that is pretty much a one way street.

I am now thinking of things I can make to give DM things to do with her hands which will help her to feel busy and useful. I sew so these will be fabric based.

@HoraceGoesBonkers so sorry to hear your DM is still being awful, I have read a number of your updates before and I sympathise as I also have a narcissistic, self centred but determined mother and I know what it’s like. I think you’ve taken the right path to minimise contact. You can’t change her so the best you can do is keep out of harm’s way. It does take a big emotional toll though.

@GnomeDePlume I agree dementia is best just accepted. It’s not curable, it’s not going to improve, all you can do is distract and comfort. My DAunt came out with some corkers when she was in hospital. The best one was when she told me she was sorry I’d got divorced and moved with another man to South Africa as she always liked DH. Not only have I never been to SA, DH was sat right beside me at the time! I concluded that she could no longer tell the difference between something she’d seen on TV and reality.

@GnomeDePlumehave you come across twiddle mitts? They work well for this purpose?
https://www.ashfieldvoluntaryaction.org.uk/our-work/understanding-community-health-and-wellbeing/reducing-health-inequalities-information-for-partners/twiddle-mitts/

Or some people with dementia like one of the realistic cat or baby models to “look after”.

My mum rejected twiddle muffs and a soft toy (my MIL adored her soft cat) so I tried other things) If someone had a newspaper or magazine habit, even if they can no longer read them or take in the information, they may still enjoy the action of turning the pages and maybe looking at the pictures. I still buy my mum BBC Wildlife and sometimes Gardeners World as she does look while she’s turning pages and it gives me something to talk about.

I also give her flowers to hold while I do the actual arranging. The longer this takes the better so I unwrap them, cut bits off the stems, put the flower food in, talk about them and I think mum enjoys watching this recognisable activity. I tried knitting in front of mum but it didn’t seem to please her (I’m an appalling knitter so possibly that was why, or maybe it brought back bad memories in some form.) If Mum had ever shown interest in colouring I would have tried that.

If you can find something relevant to their previous work that can also help for some - I knew someone who used to tear the perforations off the edges of old dot matrix printer paper… but folding napkins (paper ones ok if they don’t put them in their mouths), winding wool etc could work. I personally think the key with all these things is to start doing it yourself and see if they will join in.

Have you read Contented Dementia (by Oliver James) @GnomeDePlume?

Get a copy and persuade your brother to read it. The essence of what it suggests you do to help someone with dementia is never to contradict them, and always join enthusiastically in with their delusions.

Link

You can also get it second-hand on Ebay.

Thanks from me too for the reassurance that it’s fine to go along with things rather than upset them. It is a big adjustment - especially with a person who spent my life quick to ‘correct’ and criticise. I know not to react now - and have got a lot of a jigsaw done - sometimes he joins in with that but I don’t think he can really do jigsaws by himself any more. So I’m interested in any ideas for stereotypical male 75+ for achievable activities that aren’t patronising.

I have however perfected a non-committal ‘mmmmm’ sound (the DoLS assessor was amazing at this!) - so I try not to ‘agree’.

Not agreeing is important to me because the latest fantasy/demand here - told to his IMCA - is he wants to move near me and DH (out of nursing home) ‘by Christmas’… six months ago he was shouting for ‘security’ to throw me out and in the last year has variously said he never wants to see me again, doesn’t care if I live or die, and that I should be in prison and lose everything.

Things have calmed down, so I continue to limit what I do and how often I visit to what I’m comfortable with. There have been a lot of appointments to go to - and I never do these alone - I also know I could say no if I need to.

Mum is due a full care act assessment soon. She was great on Thursday but today she’s gone into woe is me mode. She’s not doing what she needs to do as per the physio who discharged her from hospital. She’s doing sone of them but not all. She’s sitting too much. She’s not mobiliari h often enough. She’s not using ger hot water bottle enough. I got her an elèctric one yet every time i go the charhwr I’d on the floor snd she’s not used it at all. She’s got three calls a day with a team who are assessing her for long term care (at home). She’s been doing really well but I don’t have the ostience for being an emotional crutch. I’ve walked up that hill to her house 7 times this week with that being twice a day on two days. This next week I’m not going as much but for all she says not to go as much she seems out out of I don’t because there’s still nobody else to do anything. I’m not going as much as I was. She rang me to say she couldn’t find toilet rolls yesterday. She could have told me Friday when I could have taken her some. I said she’d need to ask the helpers to get her some as I wouldn’t be there until today. Old me would have dragged myself and ds to the shop and up there but new me was feeling ill and lay on the sofa fir a few hours. She definitely benefits from more disuse interaction and her mood greatly improves. Left on her own and she wallows. I made a referral to the well being service for her this week because she needs some psych input to deal with her situation. I still feel a lot of guilt but I’m prioritising myself a lot more thanks to you
lovely lot.
Love to all

Sounds like a good idea Dormit to prioritise yourself and your family a bit more. I hope you feel better soon 💐

Since DF has been out of hospital he has tried to regress and started demanding that he needed someone to come up and tuck him into bed but only when he wants to go which is at 11.30pm, he will not go up earlier . DH did it for two nights just to make sure he got up the stairs okay with his breathing being worse still, but he was there all day on the third day after taking him to another hospital appointment and said he wasn't coming that night as he was too tired. DF had been very demanding and talking to him like he was a servant again.

Cue my DF calling at 9.30pm just before his evening carer arrived asking again if he was coming, being told again, no he is not coming. 10.30pm he calls again to ask is he coming. I say no he is asleep, he had crashed out as exhausted. Get told by DF well you will just have to come them. I tell him in no uncertain terms that I would not be as I had to be up at 6am for work. Then he tried to say he couldn't breathe so I asked him had he taken his inhaler and he said no. So I told him to take his inhaler and then when he feels better go up to bed.

DH is now really unwell with Covid as he is burnt out from looking after everyone else. I have just recovered from it and a chest infection which coincided with trying to deal with poorly DF for days before we managed to convince him he needed to go into hospital.

They generally do not think about anyone else other than themselves so you just have to be very good at setting boundaries. In future I will be telling Dad that he has 3 options: 1) he goes up with his carer, 2) he takes himself to bed or 3) he goes into a care home where they are there all the time and can help him go to bed or his room when he is ready (or when it is convenient for them more like). Anything else is totally unsustainable.

Yesterday was fun. I missed a call and then got a clearly distressed, but completely incomprehensible, voicemail. Ringing back I got sent straight to voicemail myself, and the landline just rang out.
The next door neighbour (old too but extremely well preserved) had been wise enough to only give me her email... but not wise enough to erase all traces of her landline from the internet (listed for professional reasons). So I rang up, grovelled, and said could she just check there was no body at the foot of the stairs etc.
Interestingly I then got rung back, firstly by my relative upstairs while neighbour was downstairs making tea, secondly by the neighbour, and the stories were somewhat different. Nothing major but it reinforced my principle of expecting there to be another side to whatever she tells me.

Today, it was that the care company might be binning her off because she complained about (ironically) some carers not putting the rubbish out correctly. This too we have had variations on before, so my working theory is that it's a mix of misunderstanding and catastrophising.

People keep saying, "travel while you can," but I go away for (counts) 9 days and the spinning plates definitely have started wobbling ominously!!

@Choconuttolata has the right attitude. It can be seen that she and her husband are becoming very unwell themselves, so they've decided to step back.

You have to prioritise yourself and your own family @Dormit especially as your mother is doing nothing to help herself. You keep getting her things which will help her rehabilitation but she doesn't cooperate and use them.

Maybe it's time you stepped back and let her do things her way. You're wearing yourself out for no positive result.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne quite, it's one thing slogging through shit, if we can see there IS some benefit coming from it, but if it does no good then ... what harm does NOT doing it do?

Thank you @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I will get that book.

I think for DB, once we have a formal diagnosis, he will be more accepting that DM has dementia.

At the moment he wants to believe that DM will get better. In so many ways he is a little boy who has never grown up. He was broken when DF died. DM is his link to DF.

Just a tiny little gripe. DPs GP practice make you ring at 8 am to speak to a doctor. DPs doctor doesn’t work every day and as I knew she was in today I took my chances even though it was a Monday. 29 calls of user busy and final one saying all on the day appointments have gone. 20 minutes of wasted effort to get to that conclusion.

Sometimes it feels like death by a thousand paper cuts with all the relentless low level administration.Next on the list is trying to reach HMRC about two contradictory letters DM has received about tax payments. Who knows if they will actually speak to me and it will take half an hour of waiting to find out. I will maybe leave that for another day .

GP surgeries now have to offer online access to appointments, so it may be worth enquiring if the surgery if you can get access on their behalf. My mums GPs were happy for me to do it.

My experience with both my mums and my own surgery is that online appointment requests work very well. In my own case I had a problem with my eye a couple of weeks ago, filled out an online request at 11am with a couple of photos, got a phone call within 10 minutes offering me an appointment straight away and by 12 noon I was done and walking into the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. Such a change from the 8am phone scrum we had previously. One of the medical staff triage all the online requests and we always get a call back within the hour to follow up - whether that’s with advice or an appointment at an appropriate time with one of the staff (GP, nurse, pharmacist). So you get to speak to the person who can help you much quicker. It also frees up the phone lines so that people who can’t manage the online thing get better help if they ring up. I can’t recommend it enough.

@funnelfanthat sounds brilliant, but we’re in Scotland where they are still not required to offer online appointments.

It’s hugely frustrating as I am not in a particular rush to speak to the doctor and would be happy to be allocated a slot at a later date. Even if I do manage to get through the 8am pile in, the doctor will then ring back at any random time that morning. Means I have to pick a morning where I haven’t got any other plans, I guess it’s fortunate I am jobless at the minute.

It is honestly not a huge deal - although will be much better when/if Scotland mirrors rest of UK - but it just feels reflective of the iceberg of caring for an elderly person. Also I hate it when a job on my list remains unticked when I have made the effort to get it sorted.

Ah, sorry didn’t realise you’re in Scotland. I totally sympathise on the phone call thing, it is such a frustrating system. I was very sceptical about moving online but I’m a total convert now so I hope it improves for you soon.

I think the never ending to-do list is the root cause of so much carer breakdown. You get to the point you think you’re on top of it and then you get a phone call that triggers the start of a whole new train of tasks. Like playing bloody whack-a-mole.

@funnelfanthat is exactly it - whackamole !
Every situation resolution seems to create more questions than it answers, so for example call to one of their neighbours who had kindly offered to sit with DM occasionally so DF could go to a fortnightly meeting, I spoke to her and said I would do as much as I could and she agreed to do one when we’re on holiday, but then said she thought DF might qualify for some respite care. I therefore start investigating that - long form that I would have to fill in on DFs behalf for them to save some money when they are already loaded and I should be applying for jobs.I email the department and they say it is a different department that deals with it and on the story
goes.
Weirdly with this one a charity fortuitously arrived when DH was there and offered their services to sit during the meetings in fact every week. If DH hadn’t been there they would have sent them packing I suspect, but grudgingly agreed to the cover for the meetings. DH said the charity said they could offer all sorts more things like making meals etc. so it’s very lucky he was there to talk to them.

DM has very poor speech now - suspect a number of strokes- and DF memory is very poor but getting an official dementia diagnosis would be another difficult thing and also reliant on actually being able to talk to the doctor <sigh>.

Anyway on with my cleaning. I am making an effort to pull back a bit and trying not to visit this week but instead do all the phone call admin, then I feel horribly guilty.

I was googling for private GPs last night as she takes the pressures on the local GP surgery very ... personally ... so I thought, why not see if there's someone who could be paid to come out? She could afford it.

There is, in fact, what looks like a private GP surgery not far off, but judging from the website they do more vaccinations and cosmetic procedures. Not sure my relative with her bouquet of medical issues would be any better off with them. I don't think "having other patients so cannot leap immediately to dealing with this one" is an NHS-only issue.

@MysterOfwomanYprivate doctor is a genius idea and maybe worth a punt. Zero way I would get my DPs to fork out for something they feel should always be free and to be fair to Scotland DM is getting 4 carers a day at no cost.