Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

We've just been away for a long weekend with our three adult DCs, their partners and one very cute baby granddaughter. While we were away MIL had two visits from carers, lunch provided every day in the dining room of her sheltered flats and BIL visited on Saturday and Sunday and took her to see FIL in his care home. We've just been round and she was complaining about being left alone and how much she missed DH.

She's effectively just swapped DH for FIL and I don't know how we get her to stop being so emotionally reliant on DH.

@StillNiceCardigan not sure with that. DM now needs DB to be present to ensure she goes to bed in her care home. Otherwise she can get herself totally wound up (belligerent and sometimes aggressive) believing that there is someone in her room/looking for her long dead parents/looking for DB. DB or I then get a stressed phone call from one of the staff asking for us to talk her down. When particularly bad, DB has had to go in.

I agree , you could fill an elderlies day up with phone calls and visits but they are very quick to tell anyone how lonely and sad they are .
My mil had 3 family members phone her everyday , people popping in /out , taken shopping twice a week , taken to her many medical appointments , family members do her cleaning / gardening and see multiple adult grandchildren / ggc regularly .
But she will tell you she never sees anyone .

My favourite reading of choice while eating Monday night dinner is incontinence pants websites.

These particular ones that seem to be the ones to buy are called ProSkin Fix Fixation pants 🤨

@Tobee DM really likes period pants (as well as the incontinence ones). I’ve just been ordering some more.

Whackamole! Aargh. After my nightmare day getting the flooring fitted in DM’s bedroom today was furniture delivery day. After asking 135 times what colour she wanted and getting the answer white every time, I ordered white. There was (of course) a problem with the fitting so had to get on the phone to get the fitters back out in a hurry before they finished for the and in the background I could hear a plaintive wail ‘Aren’t I having cream? Why can’t I have cream furniture?’

Tomorrow a water meter is being fitted. I wonder what delights that will bring.

That should say incontinence pads.

@GnomeDePlume that sounds so stressful you would think the home would deal with bedtime no matter how bad it was. What if you or your DB were not around to deal with it.

@GoldMoon that sounds about right. I do worry about the effect on DH. Its a year now since everything came crashing down with PILs and FIL tried to strangle MIL. FIL is happy and settled in his care home but we just have the relentless daily multiple visits to MIL who really should be able to do more things for herself.

Hello all. Finding this space and other threads about elderly parents has been a revelation and made me feel so much better. Some background. Dad died 30+ years ago, there's just me, and I've been propping my mum up ever since ( she was mid 50s then). Helping with admin, house moves, house renovation, arranging tradesmen, taking her shopping, days out etc. She's been fit and well all that time, taking no medication. Meanwhile I was diagnosed with a cardiac condition in my 40s, chronic fatigue syndrome in my 50s, I'm riddled with arthritis and have an eating disorder. She is not, and never has been an easy person. She'd win a gold medal for stubbornness and for expecting everyone to be a mind reader. She's alienated everyone else in her life, even me for a couple of years before I got sucked back in. Last year she became unwell. Hospitalised twice. Rare auto immune disorder. Some months I've taken her to 15+ appointments, along with dealing with her shopping, reading meters, paying bills, reading correspondence, gardening, organising, daily phone calls of up to an hour, other stuff that crops up. My brain is frazzled with it all. I rarely get a thankyou. She's currently able to do her own cleaning and cooking, and is refusing to even consider outside help when she cant manage, expecting I will be around to do it. My husband will retire in 3 years and we had plans. My mum lived hundreds of miles from her parents all her life, never doing anything for them, but expects me to 'do it all', often saying 'You'll have to do x,y,z'. Last week I told her, for the first time, that I couldn't do something she wanted right then. I offered alternatives. The switch in her was immediate. She was like a petulant child, angry and stroppy, cutting off her nose to spite her face, saying she'd try to do it herself ( she can't, I was going away for a few days and she knew it would worry me). After 30 years, I'm exhausted mentally and physically, but when I remind her I'm not in the best of health, it goes in one ear and out of the other.
If you've read all that, thank you. I feel better for writing it.

@StillHoldingOn stick to your plans with DH. The definition of madness is keeping doing the same thing and expecting a different result. She will always be nasty and ungrateful so why give up on your own life. She'll have to cope herself or get outside help. Either way it's her choice and she has no right to dictate to you.

Second that, stick to your plans @StillHoldingOn . It’s difficult, I’m in the same boat. It’s the guilt that kills.

Water meter could not be fitted due to ‘old brass taps’. But she will still be charged a lower rate. A rare win!

@StillHoldingOnyou’llnever get back this time with your DH. I’ve seen far too many people think they’ll have a wonderful retirement together, and then something goes wrong and they don’t get that time.
Seize the moment, prioritise your DH and your own health.

@StillHoldingOn You need to extricate yourself and prioritise your own well-being for once. What would happen if you were run over by a bus tomorrow? Your mum would have to find another way to cope. You don't just exist as her support human. You have one life, you need to live it.

@StillHoldingOnwelcome !

You have to stop worrying about your DMs approval. She doesn’t seem to appreciate what you do now, so therefore do less. Of course she will/3 angry and push back, but as she doesn’t seem happy either way then do what is least effort for you. Oh and you don’t like her so why worry if she likes you.

I have decided to pull back a bit after DH discovered on his visit last week that a charity had come and offered to do all sorts for them for free, and they refused to up the cleaner to twice a week.It feels bad because prior to DMs fall they were pretty reasonable people. But I was finding the more I did, the more DM took me for granted ( think this could be dementia setting in as previously she was not demanding). I also realised that things are likely to get worse rather than better and I should save some oil in the tank for those circumstances.

I will still accompany them for hospital visits which are pretty numerous and the ongoing paperwork , but try to draw back from things like changing sheets which can be farmed out.

@rookiemere I've also taken the decision that I'm not doing stuff for mum that can be bought in. Hospital/GP appointments, outings etc fine but mum took the decision to move to where goldenballs lived before and I don't see why I should be lumbered with a 2 hour round trip plus doing time for stuff that someone can be paid to do when she doesn't remember it was done by anyone and if you mention it, she did it. He has, of course, moved to the other end of the country knowing that mum has Alzheimer's.

Can I placemark, and pop in to the Cockroach Cafe when I need it, for some advice or more likely just a rant with people who get it?

I have had the job of caring for my mum pretty much thrown at me since my Dad died earlier in the year. I live about 2 hours away from her so every visit becomes a full day. My parents made no real plans for what would happen if they needed help in their old age, mainly on the basis that Brother who (lived with them until his 40s and took a lot of their time, energy and money due to his poor life choices- and still lives round the corner from mum) always assured them that he would repay the favour and look after them if/when they needed it. As I could have predicted, now that mum needs help Brother does very little but criticises/disagrees with everything I do. Mum's always been very defensive of him, and done her best to portray him as the perfect son but now this means she tells doctors etc that her son lives nearby and will help with anything she needs, which of course means they don't think she needs external help and I am expected to do everything. I have started gently challenging this when I take her for her medical appointments/care assessments etc ('yes, he lives nearby but he's not very often able to help is he, and I can't get to you quickly'). This annoys her but I think the HCPs have picked up on what I'm trying to say!

I'm sure that the mum will need increasing amounts of help pretty soon- she has some mobility and sight problems but is also showing signs of cognitive decline (I have arranged screening etc for this but there's definitely something wrong as she need reminding how to do fairly basis tasks that she would have done without a second thought a few years ago). I am starting to suggest that she considers whether she'd prefer to live in my town so that I could call on her every day etc but she will not consider it (and of course Brother says it's unfair to even suggest). She also won't consider a retirement home in her own town. I feel like she and Brother will not address the situation until it's too late and she really wouldn't cope with a move. She will not leave the house on her own and all of her old friends/other family members in the area are either already dead or have their own health problems yet she says she can't be away from her friends.
I can work quite flexibly, so am usually able take her to medical appointments etc and go over when she really needs help but because of this she and Brother act as though I don't work at all. I have explained that if I don't work during week days I have to make it up in the evenings/weekends and miss time with my children etc so I really can't be there more than one day a week. Brother's response to this is that I should give up my (one night a week) hobby if I don't have time to care for mum. So, in short, I can see that mum and Brother will refuse to make any changes or plans until she really needs daily care and options are limited, then expect me to drop everything to look after her myself or sort out some other way.
To top this off, Brother periodically rants at me about what a selfish cow I am for not offering him free childcare. I've been doing a sort of 'grey rock' response to this so he is now getting rather dramatic to try to force a reaction. Apparently if Brother were to die his child would have no relatives that he is used to staying with which would make mum and the child even more distressed and this would all be my fault (all said before storming off outside for a cigarette, with seemingly no knowledge of the irony).

@bigbootsweather i think you need to be here now…
Just to say that you are doing good things already.
I am sure you’re right that it would be a lot easier if your mum were near you or in better types of accommodation in her town, but just be aware that it is easy to make the wrong choice soon after a loss - you’ve been bereaved too. You’re dealing with the things that are most important like trying to get cognitive testing and going to medical appointments with her - it’s sometimes better to work with what matters now, rather than trying to head off too many future possibilities, though they are frightening.

I find that laughing as if they’ve made a joke at truly ridiculous suggestions (like you should increase your childcare time as a favour to your B - different if you want to see your dn) can be helpful.

Thanks @PermanentTemporary As silly as it sounds, it feels really good to be able to voice some of this to people who I know understand how it feels.

I think you are probably very wise about not rushing in to anything just after a bereavement. At the moment it just feels like I need to be able to at least get plans for mum in place before I can even think about how I'll manage. I'm also having to deal with all the paperwork etc relating to Dad's death and finances so I suppose my mentality is to try to do all the difficult planning etc at the same time. Dad was very capable up until just a few months before his death and (despite there being signs that he didn't have long) mum seemed to assume he'd outlive her so I think this is all a bit of a shock for her.

At the moment I feel like I have no control as I can't leave mum to her own devices but she does not want to change anything and she/Brother are just assuming I'll keep doing whatever is needed. Of course, if we discuss it Brother claims he will do whatever she needs but experience tells me that when it comes to it there will be reasons why he can't, and no other plan so I end up having to do it.

Thank you. I think finding these threads and reading so many of them has galvanised me a bit. Me and DH had a good conversation about it and agree that we have to forge ahead with our plans and make it plain that we will no longer be so close by and she will have to have help from other people if she needs it.

Thank you. Yes, the guilt is all too real, even though logic tells me I shouldn't feel like that.

Thank you. I sometimes wonder if there's an element of jealousy because I still have my DH when she hasn't had my dad for so long ( they were both younger than I am now when he died). Also, because she never did anything for her parents and didn't even speak to her mum for the last 2 years of her life, and has been so fit and well until her mid 80s, she has no concept of how wearing this is for me. She just keeps telling me I have no idea how awful it is to be on meds... I've been on regular meds for over 20 years!!

Thank you. I've been trying to make myself more unavailable, after making sure she has what she needs beforehand. I can't do anything about accompanying her to appointments as she doesn't understand what the medics are saying or doesn't hear them properly and makes it up. I'm not sure what she'd do if I became so unwell that I was incapacitated or died. Maybe it would make her finally realise what I've done for her over the years.

Thank you. I don't think I've ever considered it in terms of whether I like her or not, though I've definitely had my moments with her over the years, and she's been downright cruel at times, even before my dad died. I think the overriding feeling is resentment, and upset that she makes my ED worse.
She thought she was going to go through life having nothing at all wrong with her, and then just die in her sleep, and now she has got a couple of things wrong with her she really doesn't like it and doesn't want to have to go to the GP, hospital or other medical places. It has proved how little she has listened to me over the years about my medical appointments. Either that or she has listened and just doesn't care.
I don't blame you for stepping back when offers of help have been rejected. Elderly people really seem to have a thing about not wanting other people in the house. It's something my mum is adamant about, but I keep plugging away telling her that when she needs that sort of help, she'll have to have people in because I don't have the energy to do her housework when I often can't even manage my own.

Welcome to newcomers and sympathy dealing with unreasonable parents.

@bigbootsweather in particular, I picked up you saying “I have to…” a couple of times. I used to think that - I similarly live 100 miles away from my mum so a visit is an all day affair. My DB works abroad so he isn’t much practical use (although we do get on).

I tried to do everything to try and keep mum’s usual routine and standards going, because I also thought I had to. Because she’s my mum and deserves to be looked after and I’m fortunate to have always had a good relationship with her. That didn’t turn out so well for me, and I learned to work out what really did matter and need only me to do it. Turns out relatively little has to be me doing it. And there was an awful lot that didn’t need doing after all - or at least not as often as I thought.

So, yeah, don’t make yourself the default solution for all problems your mum has. And learn how to accept “good enough” rather than perfect.

@StillHoldingOn i think many elderly people feel very vulnerable with strangers in the house. I can understand it. Especially as my dad’s gold watch that he got on his 21st birthday and my grandmas double string pearl necklace have “disappeared” since she started getting carers in the house.

@funnelfan What an awful thing to have happened. That's triggered a memory of a lot of money going missing from my great aunt's bedroom, though quite honestly,that could have been taken by either an unscrupulous family member, or a carer. Whilst that is bad enough, at least there was no sentiment attached to what had been taken.
Maybe I will have to put plans on hold... the guilt will be bad enough without something like that happening.

@StillHoldingOn thankfully mum is completely unaware, and she is now safely in a care home with only photos and a sentimental but worthless necklace as her belongings apart from her clothes.

Im very cross - before we got in carers I removed what I thought was the valuable stuff from mums room - mainly several generations of wedding rings. Not particularly worth much apart from the gold itself but very meaningful. I left the costume jewellery. I’d forgotten about Dads watch which was still in his drawer. The pearl necklace was in a plain box shoved on a shelf (mum liked shoving random stuff in random places). I had hoped the necklace would turn up as I gradually clear the house but no sign of it so far, and the fact that the watch isn’t where it’s supposed to be either leads me to suspect light fingers. Probably the only two pocketable items in the house that would be worth a few quid but priceless to us.

We’ve got other items to remember family so I try not to be too upset although DB is upset about the watch as he has memories of playing with it while dad was wearing it. And the pearl necklace was one my grandad gave my grandma on their wedding anniversary - it was natural pearls not cultured and she was very proud of it and wore it for all special occasions. When she died mum took it and gave me the pearl necklace that she had for her own 21st birthday, so I do have that. And my grandmas engagement ring.

Any burglary is horrible to deal with, but when it’s people who have been invited into the house, that I met and trusted, that betrayal of trust feels worse. There’s no point reporting it because I can’t prove when they disappeared, and two agencies provided care to mum at home.

i don’t think it’s a reason not to have carers at all, but I’d do a better job than me at removing stuff worth nicking.