Cockroach cafe Summer 2025

[BestIsWest]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

I’d love some advice pls. We took mum into a care home yesterday for some respite care. Dad just isn’t coping any more. A live in carer will be there when she comes out. The question is that she was ever so confused yesterday before she went. She was completely different to the day before and two days before that. Also not passing any urine. She I suspect is very dehydrated as dad just wasn’t caring for her as well as she needed. I explained all this to the care home. I think she has delirium. The problem is they don’t know that this rambling woman who can barely stand up isn’t the usual her. Does dehydration that is so bad it causes confusion need hospital care or will their likely better treatment of her sort it? They live a good distance away from me but do I need to go back there today (1.5 hour drive and already been twice this week with a busy job and two kids of my own). I don’t know how worried to be and how to convey my concern to a new care home. Any thoughts?

Dehydration can cause UTIs which cause delirium. It is worth a call to the home this morning to check in and ask for her to see a GP if there are any concerns. The home should be monitoring fluid intake and her water works, so a call wouldn't hurt

Ok thank you so much @Thingamebobwotsit

Spoken to the home. They had identified a uti been in touch with the GP to get some antibiotics and she seems a bit better this am. I am amazed at how much better this place is for her than being at home

@kippersmum I know it’s annoying when an online stranger says it, but look after yourself too.

FIL fought tooth and nail to stop.MIL going into a home until he got too frail to look after himself let alone her. Once she was there she blossomed. She'd been stuck at home with a couple of visitors a week when she was always very sociable. She couldn't move or talk but she had a favourite place to sit where she could watch all the comings and goings and be close to the carers work station to demand snacks and drinks.

That is good to hear. Definitely call the home when you need to, don't feel like you need to keep driving there if it is a distance away.

UTIs can be very serious in the elderly and often the cause for sudden confusion.

Ive been to see my mum today and the bin situation remains the same.
I don’t know what she expects of me going forward. She’s not doing anything to help herself really and she needs to be living more and trying to do things. She can get herself showered and dressed so I’m sure she can put a meal in the microwave or make a sandwich. She has a walker with a seat on it. She can walk and stand but it hurts a great deal. The physio wants her more upright and moving more. The GP wants her moving more. She just seems to sit on the sofa all day once she’s dressed which is usually lunch time. She’s got a scan tomorrow and will have to manage without me because I’ve got the dc with it being Sunday. Her blood pressure needs doing twice a day for 4 days but I’ve told her the GP needs to figure that out because Ds has after school activities Monday, Wednesday and Friday so I can’t come up at 6pm to do the evening reading. She can’t seem to get the cuff on by herself and gets herself in a right state so her blood pressure is high. I went up for 4 days twice a day and her BP was fine.
I’ve said if she can’t stand or walk to do her own meals then she needs a wheelchair. Or meals on wheels to bring the evening meal. She doesn’t want either. Doesn’t want the carers either. Useless as they are I don’t blame her. She doesn’t like microwave meals, is fed up of them. Not interested in parsley box and there’s the brochure away. There’s a limit to what I can do.
The physio has said there’s no reason why she can’t go on holiday with her friend in 3 weeks but if she won’t walk or stand then I don’t see how.
I understand how she must feel but this is not my problem to fix. She has to help herself more.

@Dormit so frustrating. We had this with FIL who refused to do physio. Could you ask the GP for a continuous blood pressure monitor? It might give a more accurate reading?

Not my DF, but my DNiece this weekend, not elderly but disabled. Waited 12 hours for an ambulance after she lost the use of her arms and experiencing back pain (already wheelchair bound due to loss of use of legs). Catheterised due to urine retention in A&E, A&E were actually really good today. This was after the nurse from 111 tried to tell me they won't do anything in A&E when I spoke to them at 11pm last night, two hours after calling 999, six hours after the pain started and we had tried everything we could to manage the pain. I spent all night on the sofa waiting for the ambulance then all day in A&E. Left to come home this afternoon after her sister came to sit with her for a bit, had two hours sleep finally.

@Choconuttolata that sounds grim, I hope your niece recovers swiftly. Fingers crossed you get some sleep tonight.

Life seems to send events at the same time. DH's younger brother passed away suddenly yesterday. I have told DF that he might not get a visit today, but luckily my goldenballs DB is up visiting, although he spent a grand total of 15 minutes there yesterday and didn't clean DF up after he got in a mess, so he ended up calling DH to go up there just after DB left.

I am so sorry for your loss @Choconuttolata.

@Choconuttolata I’m so sorry

Sending sympathy @Choconuttolata.

@Choconuttolata im so sorry. 🌺

@Choconuttolata so sorry

Condolences @Choconuttolata

Thank you all, he was only in his 40's, it was a big shock.

How terribly sad @Choconuttolata , what an awful shock. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Mum had her MRI scan today and managed to get from the house to the car with the help of the driver, and then get from the car to the MRI suite so I’ll be pushing her to do more this next week. The more she moves the better she will get but at the moment the more she moves the more it hurts so she’s understandably reluctant. If she can get past that point and keep moving bing she might see some benefit. She has a friend coming tomorrow and has said she doesn’t need me to do anything except change the bed so that’s a quick job and I’m spending the rest of the day with my DDs. I feel so awful pushing her when she’s nearly crying in pain but she’s got to do it to improve. I think I brought it home to her when I said she either starts moving or she gets a wheelchair and uses that to get around the house. She’s not been out of the house for a month now and she needs to live a little.

Sad but true @dormit they become a very brittle chair-shape frighteningly quickly if they don’t move enough.

Mum has done great today! Much more like her normal self. She managed to missed her lunch time morphine but didn’t need it which is great progress. The carers finish on Thursday and I think I’ll be glad of it as will Mum. We are going to change things about so that she is more able to be independent. I think the talk we had put the required rocket up her. The threat of a wheelchair has made her think. Her mobility was almost normal (for her) today and it was such a relief for me to see my old mum back. She’s still up for her holiday next month with her friend and that’s also a big positive step. It will do her the world of good. I’ll be telling her that any issues and my sister is the one to call. I’ll be hundreds of miles away (9 hours by train) and will not be available. The school holidays are here on Friday and that will mean less stress and less rushing around trying to please everyone. I’m feeling less stressed at the mere thought of it.
Thank you all for keeping me semi-sane during these few weeks.

That's really good news @Dormit 😀

That is progress @Dormit she will likely find she is in less pain when she moves around more and finds more to distract her. I hope she keeps up the forward motion for your sake. Glad the coming school holidays make it easier for you.