Am I a horrible daughter?

[Cherrypineapplecocktail]

My mum is mid 70s but her health is not great. She needs some support daily to manage independently. This includes help on the toilet, help getting clothes on, dressing her feet, eye drops, driving her to medical appointments etc. I am single parent to two under 6.

I have been up since 4 so already tired but am here helping her (dc in tow) as that’s what she needs.

She’s just said (not for the first time) that she did everything for me as a child, implying I owe her. I usually just accept it but today I called her out on it and said she chose to have me and I’m not her servant. Cue lots of tears and her saying I’m horrible amongst other things. I should be doing it with good grace.

my brother lives with her but sleeps in and won’t help with jobs like the toilet (or the cleaning) so the house needs an overhaul.

She won’t accept outside help.

I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I am at a party with my children later and have to come to hers on the way home when I’ll have two tired children who won’t want to come in but will have to, so I can help her get changed for bed and more eye drops, feed the cat etc. I asked why my brother couldn’t do it and she said he’s out with a friend till late.

I need to do a blue badge application and attendance allowance but haven’t had time yet.

Sorry for moaning. Hoping someone here gets it. Anyone else been in a similar position?

I agree just because you have been born , doesn't automatically give her the right to expect so much from you .
She has a son , who lives in the house , also born of her . Tell him the responsibility of cleaning the house , changing beds , feeding the cat & putting in eye drops is his .
You can do personal care , but you do not live there , unlike him .
Ask social services to come and review , she says no outside help , but if you withdrew being available , what would she do then ?

Can she pay for a cleaner?

No, you are not, but you brother is a horrible son. He needs to be sorted out. Lazy bastard.

Your responsibilites are to your dc.. Remind her of that..
Send db a list of instructions for the rest of the week end.. And turn your phone off.

Why can't your brother apply for the Blue Badge and Attendance Allowance? Attendance Allowance is often used for paying for help I.e. carers, a cleaner, gardener etc.

It seems as if your mum is trying to manipulate you into providing help. Unfortunately care often falls onto daughters or daughter in laws.

Your priority is to your children.

When she had small children, was she also going round to her mum's house daily to wash her?

And WTF does she think her son should be doing? Does him going out with a friend really take precedence over you being sole parent for 2 under 6?

No you aren't a horrible daughter. But she is not a nice mum and your brother is a crap brother.

Oh my goodness I don’t know how you’re coping. Two children. And all the backward and forwards. You are an angel. Does your mum realise what your daily timetable looks like? You need to be straight with your mum and brother and tell them how things are going to be split between you and your brother. Non negotiable. My jaw dropped when it said your brother lives with her! Your mum might not want outside help, but she needs to know the consequences that has on you and it’s totally not fair. I would say you also need a few days a week when you don’t go there, and have time for you! Tell them outright, your beyond exhausted and can’t give it all to your children because of this.

In terms of who you need to care for:

1. Yourself so you can keep going, provide care for and be a supportive loving present parent to
2. Your kids

That’s it.

If you have resources (=time) leftover and want to, then also, yes, your mum. Do not accept her idea of what your priorities are or should be. Harsh, yes, but your kids come first. My mother is more able than yours but still needs taking to appointments etc and is scandalised when me and DSis have other commitments we cannot or will not move (obvs do in emergencies) especially when she does not check first. You need to know your boundaries and stick to them. It’s really hard but if you don’t you will feel responsible for her bottomless pit of needs.

Why can’t she have carers coming in and a cleaner? I would contact social services. She needs proper professional help.

What would happen genuinely if say you picked up a stomach bug and you were D&V for a few days? Could they cope? Or your child is ill and you can’t leave. There’s a lot of responsibility on you. What’s the back up plan for your mums health and wellbeing on those days? Or you book a holiday? Your mum needs to be realistic for her own health and safety!

Bloody hell another useless male, so it all falls to you!
You sound like a wonderful daughter, but you are doing WAY too much, which is just enabling your brother to do what the fuck he likes, whilst your mother gives you a guilt trip.
You need to set up some boundaries, remember the age old trope, people only treat you how you allow them to.
Good luck!

I bet your brother does not even pay for his lodging. He wants to be booted out or get his act together. It is not fair on you or your kids being dragged from their home to their grandparents when they really do not want to.
What would happen if one of your kids were really ill and could not leave home, such as with an infectious disease like measles, etc., or if you were ill? I should imagine you would struggle enough with childcare, not grancare.
Having a child does not entitle you to anything. You have to call in social services for an assessment. i can understand your brother does not want to do personal care like toileting, bathing, etc., but he could clean, feed cats, garden, shop, etc.

If you need care but “choose” to not accept it from your physically closest child and “choose” not to have any outside help then what you are actually “choosing” is not having the amount of care that meets your needs. You don’t get to “choose” someone else meeting 100% of your needs at the expense of themselves and their children.

Your “choice” is to continue getting emotionally blackmailed into doing everything or set boundaries - state very clearly how many visits a week you are prepared to make and what care you will provide. She will cry - so what? You matter too and your children matter. If she needs help dressing and undressing and eye drops twice a day this sounds like an ideal thing for outside help. I’ve sympathy with her not wanting her son to dress and help with the loo but he needs to do something like eye drops, laundry, cleaning, cooking, feeding the cat and you may decide to agree to do personal care a couple of visits a week. If your brother won’t do those jobs and she won’t have any outside help then those jobs simply don’t get done.

You are going to need to put your big girl pants on and have the conversation with her. Decide what you have capacity to do and she is going to need to either get your brother to step up or pay for carers. What happens if you want to take your kids out for the day? Go on holiday?

I really feel for you OP. Sooner or later you're going to become ill with the strain so she needs outside help. A carer can do the personal care and your lazy brother can do the household stuff.
The emotional blackmail is not fair to you and your children. Did she look after her parents when you were little? If so, she should be more understanding.

I have an awful, narcissistic mother who reminds me all of the time that she looked after and provided for me as a minor. Drives me crazy, her choice,not mine! I have never once asked her for help in my adult life or been a burden.

In light of my treatment by her I now after recognising her bullying and toxic behaviour make sure she has food in, look after her financial affairs and employ someone for personal care. I was trying to do more, but working full time and trying to care for someone with old age and dementia is draining and you really need to look after yourself and your relationships. If your brother won’t step up then your mother needs to pay for some help that is not you. For your own sanity.

OP you need to stop this now.

Your mother is guilt-tripping/manipulating you and that is not the behaviour of a loving parent.

Your brother also it seems gets the benefits of living at home while expecting you to do all the work.

Your mother is being totally selfish by refusing help from external carers which is what she needs.

Frankly I would take a step back and make it clear to both of them you can no longer help.

Your priority is yourself and your own kids.

She might have done everything for you as a child, now it’s your turn to do the same for your dc.

You need to be clear about how much you’re willing and able to support her and she needs accept that outside support is going to be needed. I wouldn’t even bother trying to factor your brother in.

So your brother does virtually nothing and gets the bonus of subsidised accommodation. She needs to pay for a cleaner and more so he needs a kick up the arse. Does she own her house? Be prepared for her to leave the house to your brother as it’s his home. The guilt tripping? I would not have that and would have told her.

She won’t accept outside help.

Tough. She will have to. I understand you need time and energy to sort it out but this needs to be done.

Get as much "outside" help as you can. Then you and your brother can do the rest. Him more, if he gets the benefit of free board and lodging?

As other posters have said, your responsibility is to your two children. You don't owe your mum anything. If she is/was a lovely mum who gave you a great childhood, you would probably do everything you could to help her (within reason without compromising your ability to work and care for your children). As she is demanding, unpleasant and puts your useless brother, who actually lives with her, on a pedestal, I would pull right back and contact Social Services. If she has the money, she can pay for carers to do the things that you are doing.

I understand that your mum wouldn't want your brother to do personal care, but he can do all the other stuff that you are currently doing.

STOP doing all this!!! Your brother is being treated like the golden child who can do what he likes while you have to go forwards and backwards with 2 small children being reminded that you should feel grateful just for being born?!?!

Please think of yourself and your kids OP, I've had years of something similar from my parents, they wouldn't accept outside help because "family should do it". For years I put up with it, after mum died my dad got worse, he's always treated me with contempt but also expects me to provide care & drop everything when he wants it. He's spoken to me like dirt, sneered at me, chipped away at my confidence for as long as I can remember, and now ignores me for weeks until he has a crisis then expects immediate assistance.
He's refusing help from social services, and I've reached the end of my rope, so I've decided my own welfare comes first ( I'm nearly 60, with health issues of my own) and I'm refusing to get involved. Don't answer the phone if I don't feel like it, he's got a key safe so emergency services can get in if necessary, I'll call an ambulance if needed, that's the extent of it.
If I were you I'd take a step back, you'll make yourself ill. Your brother is living there, if he doesn't want to help your mum he should move out. Social Services will assume he can help her and if he refuses your mum will have to accept outside help. Please think of yourself and your kids.

You have to be cruel to be kind OP. Give yourself a week off, leave brother to get on with it and let them try and cope. After a week, you lay down the rules that carers must be arranged for personal care as you won't be doing it.

If your Mothers arms work, brother can easily help her into the bathroom and leave her to do her thing then pop back in to help her back to the living room again. Even in a care home staff will leave people in peace on the toilet if its safe to do that.

People generally hate feeling dependent or beholden and often try to rewrite reality so they can feel justifiably entitled instead.

Your mum needs to face the facts that she needs more care than her dc are willing/capable of providing and it is therefore time to be responsible about this and accept some outside help.

You are quite correct to push back on her justifications. But you might have to get very firm to get a carer in place.