Am I a horrible daughter?

[Cherrypineapplecocktail]

My mum is mid 70s but her health is not great. She needs some support daily to manage independently. This includes help on the toilet, help getting clothes on, dressing her feet, eye drops, driving her to medical appointments etc. I am single parent to two under 6.

I have been up since 4 so already tired but am here helping her (dc in tow) as that’s what she needs.

She’s just said (not for the first time) that she did everything for me as a child, implying I owe her. I usually just accept it but today I called her out on it and said she chose to have me and I’m not her servant. Cue lots of tears and her saying I’m horrible amongst other things. I should be doing it with good grace.

my brother lives with her but sleeps in and won’t help with jobs like the toilet (or the cleaning) so the house needs an overhaul.

She won’t accept outside help.

I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I am at a party with my children later and have to come to hers on the way home when I’ll have two tired children who won’t want to come in but will have to, so I can help her get changed for bed and more eye drops, feed the cat etc. I asked why my brother couldn’t do it and she said he’s out with a friend till late.

I need to do a blue badge application and attendance allowance but haven’t had time yet.

Sorry for moaning. Hoping someone here gets it. Anyone else been in a similar position?

Let’s imagine you’ve dropped dead from a heart attack. (Quite possible if your under this stress constantly)
Who’s caring for her now? Your Brother? Paid carers? Residential/nursing home? Then there’s your answer, your priority needs to be your kids, they will only be young once.
The caring expectations of older people needs to change - years ago family carers may have been the norm, but years ago you got old, ill and died promptly. Now we get old, ill and live on for decades, usually at the expense of a female relative who’s in their 40s/50’s and also has dependant children. Years ago, those kids would be adults by the time granny was in her dotage. Times have changed.

Has she had an occupational therapy assessment? They may be able to provide aids/adaptations that allow her to be more independent. After that, if she does require personal care, a referral to social work can be arranged. You are not her slave. I am astonished that your brother lives there yet you are the one expected to do all this just because you are the daughter. I see this ALL the time and it is nothing but sexist bullshit. You have 2 kids to care for, presumably your brother doesn't have any. Of course she cared for you as a child!!! Only a negligent parent wouldn't. Tell her you have your own kids to care for now and won't expect them to be running around after you in your 70s just because you gave birth to them. Bloody cheek. As an unpaid carer you can also ask for a carer's assessment for yourself. If it weren't for all the women doing unpaid and unrecognised care like this, society would fall apart. You are entitled to assessment for support, as is your mum.

Im so sorry for you and this shit situation. In my opinion it shouldn't ever be a child's obligation to take care of an ageing parent. If they can, and want to that's fine, but it shouldn't be expected. My parents divorced when I was young. Dad remarried twice and died 11 years ago at 65, mum remarried when I was about 15, she is now 77. We don't live in the same country and have never been particularly close. She wouldn't expect me or my brother to care for her. Equally I am 52 and have 3 sons, 35, 19 and 18. I would never expect any of them to look after me. I know all families have different dynamics but I don't think adult children should be automatically responsible for their parents.

DWP have Visiting Officers who can visit your mum & do the Attendance Allowance form for her. Additional Support for DWP Customers: booklet - GOV.UK

They will also do a general welfare check.

I cared for both parents & MIL before they either went into homes or died.

My mother was a nightmare - wouldn't have carers as she didn't want strangers in the house, expected me to do the caring even though I had children, a job & helped DH in his own business. I would do an internet grocery order & arrange for it to be delivered to her every week, she also had Wiltshire Farm Foods deliveries - they would ring her every week to get her order (other similar services available).

I had to explain that I had too much going on to be able to provide the level of care that she needed, that I would visit twice a week, take her to medical appointments (unless they clashed with work, school run or something) & then had to leave her to her own devices.

My <childless> brother (lived about an hour's drive away) didn't visit at all in the last 2 years of her life as he said it was too depressing & her house was such a mess that he felt uncomfortable. 😡

Older people used to get Home Helps and Meals on Wheels. All these services have been cut back amidst an aging population and adult children working longer hours and having children later in life; thus being less able to provide support to ageing relatives. It's a disaster really.

Go AWOL for a week with your phone off.

More kindly, tell her that you're going on holiday and she needs to prepare for your absence. And, no, she can't come. You do have to follow through, so have some information for cleaners/carers in hand.

As for your brother, since he's a waste of space just don't engage.

maybe she’s saying all that stuff not meaningfully but wanting you to respond kindly as she already feels she’s a burden on you? also, your kids seeing you helping your mum without huffing and puffing will set precedent for future when it’s your turn and you need help. obviously you need to ensure you are well and healthy and have had a lot of sleep to keep going, but you need a change in mindset. you can’t be that fixated on your individual self as your brother appears to be. time to split up the care as appropriate between you two and check what other things you can collectively do to make life easier? perhaps move in together into a bigger space that accommodates for everyone? honestly this kinda stuff you only hear about in some Western culture. in other parts of the world it’s not an issue, and in fact adult children fight over who helps the elderly parent and young children see a healthy set of family values

If she's going to use you in place of professionals, tell her you are taking a week of annual leave and she should make other arrangements. Then turn off your phone, use do not disturb, spend the week with your kids and putting your needs first. If after the week you feel a bit better about it, have that discussion and set some boundaries, if you don't want to do it then arrange some discussions with care agencies. (I get that isn't your responsibility but you might have to do that bit, sounds like your tosspot of a brother won't)

I personally think you’re allowing your brother to get out of his responsibility by playing the martyr. You know he’s useless so you step up. But this is how pathetic selfish men get away with it.

Prioritise your children and tell him in no uncertain terms that he’s the one benefitting from living there so he should man up and get on with it. You’re there to only help ‘occasionally’ if he has other things on but he has to arrange with you first. You already have caring responsibilities so it’s down to him. End of.

Decide where to draw the line, then say no. Say no again and again.

As a nurse I see this a lot sadly. You need to step back a bit- you can’t pour from an empty cup. Your Mum expects less of your brother because of good old sexism but it’s tough, he lives with her and is probably getting some kind of carers allowance for doing sod all whilst you run yourself ragged. Contact social services to get your Mum assessed, and tell him he needs to step up too because you need a bit of a break. Sending love, this must be so hard. You sound like a lovely daughter x

Dreadful parenting. Manipulative. We save all our lives to buy in care and leave our busy adult DC free to have opportunities and live their own lives in their prime.
Offer to set up paid help, and if she refuses step back, turn your phone off. You hold all the cards.
Remember today is the best she will ever be. Think long term and rethink your priorities.
I would think very little of any parent who let their adult DC do this.

OP, Age U.K. will help you fill in the attendance allowance form. They know how to word things, and what you need to say.

As for the rest, IMO your DM is being supremely selfish in refusing outside carers. Unfortunately this is a very common problem - ‘I have a daughter,she should do it!’ Always a daughter, isn’t it?

I know it’s going to be hard, but you really do need to cut your involvement down, tell them what you are willing to do, and what you’re not. It’s high time your lazy arse of a brother stepped up, too.

If you get abuse again, ignore it, ditto any weeping and wailing from your mother about how hard done by she is. ‘It’s no good carrying on like that, Mum, I’m afraid I just CANNOT do it all any more, Im exhausted. I have young children, my first duty is to them.’

You’re a single mum with 2 kids under 6. You’re trying to go to her home to care for her in the morning, then again this evening after a birthday party with 2 tired kids who need to start their own bedtime routine at home. It’s far too much for you at this stage to do this and it will be a lot of stress for your children, making your parenting of them then harder.
my own situation is not a million miles away. Really you only get this one chance to parent your kids the best you can in these early years, when they need a lot of time and energy from you, day and night. That’s what you need to do, then rest if you can so you don’t burn out, then helping others. Social care is means tested, it’s an option for your mum, as is your brother doing more. You and your kids pushing yourself into exhaustion to cover personal care at a different house is not an option I would say.

Don't be like me op. I am 6 years into caring for my mum who has Alzheimer's, she lives with my dad. He has put a lot of pressure on my sister and I to help him with mum and naturally we started out just helping a little at first and he more during covid times, before I realised I was doing everything.

I ended up making myself feel unwell as the stress from it all exacerbated my chronic health issues (my heath issues have become much worse and dad doesn't seem to give a shit about this). My dad refuses to pay for much help and only has the basics (ie a morning carer and day centre twice a week) and still relies on my sister and I a lot despite hoarding hundreds of thousands in the bank and investments.

I am angry and resentful. Please put your foot down now before the years roll on and you end up like me.

Only you can stop this crazy situation. Why on earth are you acting like a slave when your brother lives there?
just stop

Tell your brother to clean the house etc. He's there and is being a lazy twerp. I hope he pays your mum rent! Also, contact social services and look for carers who can come in to help your DM.
No, DM should not have implied or said that you owed her care because she cared for you. Let her say it to your lazy brother.

I suggest you now put your foot down because your father is not treating you as family doing the loving thing but servants who he can use till you drop. Tell him to get the help he can afford and stop turning up. I know it is hard, but do it.

Read this thread and take some of the advice given. If your parents have savings your dad is basically using you as cheap help. Tell him you need to stop, for the sake of your own health. Get your sister on board too so your dad will be left with no option other than to spend some money!

Like everyone else, I want to reiterate that of course you are not horrible.

But you need to sort this out now, as things won't get better and probably will get worse.

Be clear that your responsibility is to your own small dc, and that, whereas you are willing to help when you can, she has 2 adult dc, one of whom literally lives in the same house as her. There is no way I would be going in to do things for her whilst there is a lazy arsed adult in the house doing nothing.

I would have to tell her I am not available for August, say, and she has the choice of making her son do everything or getting some carers in to help.

Once she has enough support in place, you can come back and offer additional support over and above what your brother and her cleaner / carers do for her.

She needs a referral to adult social care. They can sort care out (there will likely be a charge) and they usually a have a team who will help with benefit applications and blue badges, sourcing cleaners (again there will be a charge). You cannot do it all alone. Also refer yourself for a carers assessment my LA supports with nights in hotels, money to support your mental health/gym passes.

A common story unfortunately. Everything expected of the daughter, nothing of the son, same in my family.
In Scotland personal care is free but you are maybe elsewhere in the UK.
I've had to step back from my mother, long story, for my mental health.
She refuses to get a cleaner, doesn't need personal care yet. She definitely has the money, house is an absolute mess. I've tried for years to clean it.
She definitely needs help, contact the GP or social services/ council.
The brother needs to be told to up his game.

I’ll go against the grain here and tell you to help her as much as possible. I didn’t help my father as much as I “should have” when he had dementia, I was young and prioritised myself. When he died the guilt crippled me and I am still in therapy for it, 13 years later.
help your mum, she brought you to life. Your children will learn to be selfless by seeing you being one.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. your mum is being really manipulative. Has she always been like this?

Your brother should be doing a hell of a lot more. You have enough on your plate.

You say she needs help on the toilet - do you mean each time she goes to the loo? How do you manage that?

It’s all very well her saying she doesn’t want outside help, but you need to think about yourself too, as your mother clearly isn’t.

Your brother should be doing all cleaning etc - he lives there too - plus things like feeding the cat. He needs to think about this round his work/social life, just like the rest of us do!

Can you talk to him? I’d read him the riot act for being a selfish dick.

This.