Am I a horrible daughter?

[Cherrypineapplecocktail]

My mum is mid 70s but her health is not great. She needs some support daily to manage independently. This includes help on the toilet, help getting clothes on, dressing her feet, eye drops, driving her to medical appointments etc. I am single parent to two under 6.

I have been up since 4 so already tired but am here helping her (dc in tow) as that’s what she needs.

She’s just said (not for the first time) that she did everything for me as a child, implying I owe her. I usually just accept it but today I called her out on it and said she chose to have me and I’m not her servant. Cue lots of tears and her saying I’m horrible amongst other things. I should be doing it with good grace.

my brother lives with her but sleeps in and won’t help with jobs like the toilet (or the cleaning) so the house needs an overhaul.

She won’t accept outside help.

I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I am at a party with my children later and have to come to hers on the way home when I’ll have two tired children who won’t want to come in but will have to, so I can help her get changed for bed and more eye drops, feed the cat etc. I asked why my brother couldn’t do it and she said he’s out with a friend till late.

I need to do a blue badge application and attendance allowance but haven’t had time yet.

Sorry for moaning. Hoping someone here gets it. Anyone else been in a similar position?

My parents have just taken in my grandma first my uncle and aunty do nothing and second dropping in several times a day to feed, do tablets,toilet,wash etc was draining them more so they made the spare room up. The only solution my uncle and aunty had was put her in a care home but expect my parents to pay nearly 2 grand a week. My mum is going to do the same apply for attendance she got the blue badge a few days ago. Tbh it's only been a month but worked out better because now I live near I pop down with our3 lil ones and look after grandma so mum can do her stuff and ye it's hard isn't it but what can you do with family that don't want to pull there weight either

OP is a single mum with two children under six and you are telling her that she needs to do more for her mum? Why aren't you suggesting that her lazy brother who lives with their mum and sleeps until late every day steps up to help his mum?

OP doesn't expect her children to give up their lives to care for her when she is elderly. Having children just so you have someone to care for you in old age, even if you haven't been a particularly kind and loving parent doesn't demonstrate a healthy set of family values to me.

Time for some straight talking. "Mum, I'm not a horrible daughter at all. I do x,y and z for you, on top of having to do a,b and c in my own life. I do this without complaining because I care about you, but if this isn't enough, and you think I'm horrible, then it's no good either us carrying on. So you need to have a think about whether it is enough, in which case you stop complaining, because this upsets me and makes me stressed, or whether you'd prefer to get in help or rely on your son. Let me know what you think"

There's an awful lot that your brother could do to take pressure off you.

Like running the house or example!

Say you visit twice a day to help her wash & dress in the morning & get ready for bed in the evening.

What happens for the rest of the day?

No-one is entitled to someone else's time and energy, regardless of the connection. Holding guilt doesn't mean you did the wrong thing. Prioritising you isn't selfish. I hope you heal from this.OP can provide support, but she definitely doesn't need to run her health and wellbeing into the ground because her mother chooses not to ask for/accept help from anyone else.

You're not a bad daughter. You're a GOOD daughter. You've worked yourself to breaking point trying to make sure everyone is cared for, but you can only spread yourself so thin.

Your mum shouldn't want you to live your life like this. My mum is 60 and has made it absolutely clear that if she ever needs caring for, we have her full permission to put her in a home (I don't think I would be able to do this but at least she's said she would be fine with it).

You need to let her know what you reasonably can and can't do, find out what your brother is willing to do, and the simple fact is that she will need outside help for the rest of it.

If she needs toileting help then she needs to be in a home.

Your brother is a lazy SOB.

Call him and tell him the admin is now all on him and that the pair of them can sink or swim without you.

Tell your mum you can be there two days a week for x amount of time as you are a mum yourself and are doing everything for your own small children. The rest of the time she can arrange carers to come in, and cleaners, if she needs help and if she wants a clean house and if she can't bring herself to demand her son pulls his weight.

This post nails it.

You could have written my story. My mother is dead nearly 20 years now. Discovered after she died she was a narcissist Guilt tripped me every day. Then after looking after her while my brother did nothing she cut me out of her will. Left everything to him. Please don’t let her make you put her before your children. If they’re tired after the party take them home. Tell your brother to step up. She is manipulating you. Best of luck. You sound like a lovely person.

When you apply for attendance allowance you might get rejected, I did; don’t give up, you sometimes have to be persistent. You do need to give your brother a kick up the bum!

Oh dear!
I haven't read replies & feel there will be many different responses. My mother in her mid 70s had more energy & willingness to help with my children than many half her age. That's not to say your mum is lacking in any respect other than we have to accept age has nothing to do with individual capableitis.

You say you prioritised yourself. OP is a single parent and she needs to prioritise her two small children, not her demanding mother.

You are the second poster to say that watching their mum run herself ragged pandering to her ungrateful mum will set a good example for her kids and teach them to do the same for her. All it will teach them is that nothing is expected from sons, even those that live at home with their mums but that daughters must sacrifice themselves to provide elderly care. Most decent parents don't want their kids to have to give up their lives to care for them and I'm pretty sure that OP doesn't want that.

You need to decide exactly what you have the capacity to do, and do no more than that.

Elderly care at 70 plus 😂 Most of them are kicking their heels up at concerts

I have been the child in this situation and it had a massive impact on me growing up, our whole household routine ran around supporting my grandmother. It impacted on my Mum’s mental health and she prioritised my grandmothers needs over ours, which resulted in neglect and bullying at school.
l am not saying that this is the same for your children, but this is their childhood and will affect how they parent and see their role in the family as they grow up. Is this what you want them to think is the normal way to treat people or for people to treat them?

Figure out what you can reasonably devote to her care in terms of time/effort per week. DO NOT MARTYR YOURSELF IN THIS EQUATION.

Compare that to the care you know she needs.

Call a family meeting with her and your brother. In this meeting, describe the size of the gap between what you can do and what needs to be done and say that you're going to work together to find a solution that bridges that gap, between your brother getting his arse in gear ffs and paid/outside help. Do not budge on your offered contribution.

There is also info on the CAB website online about filling in the form

Also, she’s asking you to help her apply for attendance allowance, where she will report to the govt that she has additional costs due to her care needs, but she is still expecting you to meet these needs for her, bringing your young kids along. So I’m not seeing what additional care costs she has here although it’s true we can all do with extra funds nowadays

I went through similar with my mum. The only answer is to just not do it. Text her and your brother , say you are busy with the kids so not coming over until Monday. Then turn your phone off and enjoy your weekend.

I was lucky - I am very close to my mums youngest brother (he is only 4 years older than me and 19 years younger than her). He was very willing to advocate for me to mum and then eventually social services helping me draw up firm boundaries around how much help and support I was able and willing to give Mum. You don't have anyone like him so you will have to strong and draw your own boundaries.

Be resolute. Your kids need your energy just as much as she does.

Yes she took care of you… as you now are taking care of your own children. Ask her why she is not asking your brother, as technically she is still taking care of him by providing housing so
if someone should help her, surly it is him. For personal care, there is outside help.

Average life expectancy for women in the UK is 80. Not everyone in their 70s is enjoying a care free retirement in great health.

To be fair I mix with people in a 50 plus group & many of them are still running charity marathons in their 70s. I should add I have neighbours in their late 80s & they still drive, although I do admit it worries me
.

@Cherrypineapplecocktail This would have been me, my brother lives with my mum also but both expected me to do everything, I went no contact, life is too short.

Life expectancy will be reduced because quite a few people die far too young.
The average life expectancy for a woman who makes it to 65 is 87.

OP your mother will only get worse so you need to dig your heels in now.

I agree with the people who say some days you are just too busy with your own care to help her. It's tough but when you need care, you have to have it from people who have the time and energy to give it. If doesn't want paid carers she has to manage without the care. Unless you manage to order her to conceive you pre-conception, the whole she made you argument is irrelevant!