Am I a horrible daughter?

[Cherrypineapplecocktail]

My mum is mid 70s but her health is not great. She needs some support daily to manage independently. This includes help on the toilet, help getting clothes on, dressing her feet, eye drops, driving her to medical appointments etc. I am single parent to two under 6.

I have been up since 4 so already tired but am here helping her (dc in tow) as that’s what she needs.

She’s just said (not for the first time) that she did everything for me as a child, implying I owe her. I usually just accept it but today I called her out on it and said she chose to have me and I’m not her servant. Cue lots of tears and her saying I’m horrible amongst other things. I should be doing it with good grace.

my brother lives with her but sleeps in and won’t help with jobs like the toilet (or the cleaning) so the house needs an overhaul.

She won’t accept outside help.

I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I am at a party with my children later and have to come to hers on the way home when I’ll have two tired children who won’t want to come in but will have to, so I can help her get changed for bed and more eye drops, feed the cat etc. I asked why my brother couldn’t do it and she said he’s out with a friend till late.

I need to do a blue badge application and attendance allowance but haven’t had time yet.

Sorry for moaning. Hoping someone here gets it. Anyone else been in a similar position?

She needs to get paid personal care help in

Put your foot down as you’ve going to burn out otherwise

Also… you are now looking after Your Children.

Did she look after your grandparents?

Why isn’t she paying carers? If she had no money to pay for it she may be eligible for state care.

I don’t understand why women sacrifice themselves rather than have a conversation about care.

Well I must be an absolutely horrendous dd bc I certainly wouldn't be doing that daily for my dm, especially with two young kids.

The fact is my dm wouldn't ask it of us though and would get a home help. Terrible to emotionally blackmail your child like that. I would be scaling back to helping once or twice a week and she'll have to get help the other days, tough shit if she doesn't want to do that.

She needs a carer to relieve some of this.

Your brother needs to step up. It's not reasonable for him to help with things like going to the bathroom or personal care, but he should be pulling his weight with everything else.

How old is he? Why does he live with your mother? Does he work? Pay rent? Have health issues?

You say that your mother won't accept outside help. My mum had a similar issue with my nan before she passed. It was made worse by the fact that my Nan simply couldn't reconcile being 'looked after' - especially intimate care - by her 'little girl', especially as her dementia got worse.

Ultimately my mum took the decision out of her hands and got people in. It did wonders for their relationship as it removed all the conflict, gave my mum some rest and allowed them a few years of just enjoying each other's company.

I agree, I’m so sorry to hear how badly they are treating you x

You are not horrible and you sound overwhelmed in all honesty!! Just because you were born doesn’t mean you automatically have to take on the carer role HOWEVER she is your mum and you are doing so so much for her already. We are in a similar situation with my FIL (he is physically able but has Alzheimer’s). 2 kids under 7 and he also feels we are at his beck and call all day every day.

We have managed to implement a private cleaner and befriender service because it was getting constant with calls (30-40 a day!!) with 2 young kids. We did have to say that this was no longer his choice and to get the best out of us we needed a break sometimes!

I am not sacrificing my children’s one and only childhood. There needs to be compromise from your mother unfortunately. Sending love.

Hello OP, definitely not a bad daughter. Hugs to you. I am sorry haven't read all of the replies but wanted to say that Age Uk were a tremendous help with the Attendance Allowance application for my DF. He applied and was rejected a couple of times but after a hospital stay a lovely person from Age UK came to our house and helped hime and the application was successful. I am wishing you all the best.

You’re an amazing mother and daughter, it’s time to step away and get your brother to do this now

It is so overwhelming. I agree with the other advice here to set some boundaries and start to say no a bit more often. Do what you can for her within your limits and say to her if you want me to do x then you will have to get help with y. My late DM didn’t hold back asking me to do stuff and I made myself ill trying to look after her, my family and myself. It was hard to start saying no but I had to for my own wellbeing. There seems to be such reluctance with some of the older generation to accept help outside of the family.

if I were in your position I would tell DM and DB that you can do three more days of this, but then you can do no more. Happy to support with some shopping, or a bit of cleaning, even some admin, but cannot do daily visits. Offer two options, DB can take over, or you can ring social services for her and ask for emergency support.

There is a chance this will cause your mum to fall out with you, think and speak badly of you. But if you don’t, you will need to do more and more, until you burn out. You know this isn’t your responsibility but only you can stop this.

My local authority have emergency carers for situations like this, yours could to. You DM will have to make a decision between accepting carers or not having any support. Hold firm

You are doing way too much. Why does your mother think she has a choice about accepting alternative care? She doesn’t. You are going to run yourself into the ground, not to mention not being a good other to your children. You need to put yourself and your children first.

Bollocks to this. Why aren’t you telling OP’s brother to help his mum as much as he can??

Women do far too much unpaid caring, and it’s not fair.

No, no, no, no, no. Please don’t do this. I have 3 DC under 6 and a mum who is a similar age and requires a similar level of help. However I am adamant I won’t do it - I am “lucky” that my Ddad is currently her carer, but I have made it clear I won’t step in in the event he can no longer. My responsibility is to my children and I am determined they will remain my priority.

My DM cared for her own DM and honestly it had a huge impact on my childhood - lots of weekends my DM wasn’t around, when she was around she was grumpy and stressed, she had a big falling out with her siblings over caring roles which means my DM and therefore I have no contact with extended family, basically it blew a hole in my childhood. It’s so hard, but I would decide what level of care you are prepared to provide a stick to it. Your children only get one childhood.

Lots of good advice on here.
I had the most difficult relationship with my Mother who was extremely difficult and needed help but refused it from anyone other than my brother and me. My father also had mobility and personal care needs after having a stroke at 63. Like you, I had small children and my brother did not. Luckily my brother and I split the responsibilities and mine were mostly admin and finance and occasional shopping or cooking a meal, or organising stuff. It meant I could do most of it from where I lived, 2 hours away and just spend my visits socially with them. My kids loved racing up and down in their electric wheelchairs!! I cannot tell you the number of cleaners we hired that my Mother sacked. It was a success to get one for a whole year!
But when it got really difficult and my mother was unreasonably demanding I would simply pick up my child and walk out and go home to my own family and responsibilities. A nurse at the hospital where my Dad was after the stroke once found me crying by my car after my Mother had been really unreasonable and I will never forget what she told me: You have the right to your own life. Let social services pick up the rest.
I called the next day and they were amazing. They helped me find suitable accommodation for my parents and all the necessary occupational and physiotherapy support and equipment. They did assessments and put my parents in extra care where there are onsite carers coming into their own apartment and to help my father with medicine and personal care but also where they could keep an eye on my Mother and be that extra voice when her unreasonable stubborn ways spilled over.
Look after yourself and your own family. They come first. And get some help from your brother and social services. Apply for attendance allowance or DLA and pay for care to support her and you. Don’t give up. You are not a horrible daughter but understand that unconditional love goes one way and is not two directional. It goes from parent to child. Not the other way around. Good luck.

all the people who are saying "she should be in a home" "put her in a home" "refer her to xyz". Do you not realise that if the person is considered competent to make her own decisions, then no one can put her anywhere or refer her anywhere because "they" wont do a thing without her agreement. I am betting thet she has either refused to be visited or has said "oh no I don't need help, my lovely family give all the help I need. ie lie through her teeth. I used to work in elderly care in the community and this situation is not uncommon. Often it takes the daughter (it usually is a daughter) to have the "Mum I am not doing this any more" conversation and even to withdraw their support to get a change of heart from the mother. Its sad and difficult, hell on the carer.

You tell her exactly how much time/energy you have to spare that are not to yours or your children's detriment then you offer a range of alternative provisions and apply for the attendance allowance to pay for it. If she refuses approach social services and explain she needs care you can't provide and have concerns