Am I a horrible daughter?

[Cherrypineapplecocktail]

My mum is mid 70s but her health is not great. She needs some support daily to manage independently. This includes help on the toilet, help getting clothes on, dressing her feet, eye drops, driving her to medical appointments etc. I am single parent to two under 6.

I have been up since 4 so already tired but am here helping her (dc in tow) as that’s what she needs.

She’s just said (not for the first time) that she did everything for me as a child, implying I owe her. I usually just accept it but today I called her out on it and said she chose to have me and I’m not her servant. Cue lots of tears and her saying I’m horrible amongst other things. I should be doing it with good grace.

my brother lives with her but sleeps in and won’t help with jobs like the toilet (or the cleaning) so the house needs an overhaul.

She won’t accept outside help.

I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I am at a party with my children later and have to come to hers on the way home when I’ll have two tired children who won’t want to come in but will have to, so I can help her get changed for bed and more eye drops, feed the cat etc. I asked why my brother couldn’t do it and she said he’s out with a friend till late.

I need to do a blue badge application and attendance allowance but haven’t had time yet.

Sorry for moaning. Hoping someone here gets it. Anyone else been in a similar position?

Yes, she looked after you when you were a child - but this is something you "pay forward" ie you look after your children, and they will look after theirs and so on.

How much you are able to do for your mother whilst also fulfilling your responsibilities to your children is something only you can assess OP.

You seem to be doing quite a lot and stretching yourself considerably.

It is outrageous that your brother, who actually lives with her, does so little.
You should speak to him about doing more

Does your brother have a job? A family?
Does he live rent free with your mother?
How does he contribute to the household?

I usually just accept it but today I called her out on it and said she chose to have me and I’m not her servant

The problem is you went from 0 to 60 with no warning.

You’re normally passive. Today you were aggressive.

Assertive response: “It’s getting too much for me, mum.”

Decide on your boundaries and the things you can/will do, make that clear to her and brother and don’t budge on it.
In actual fact he is no more obligated to provide care than you are, despite the fact he lives there. That might sound harsh but it’s true. He isn’t obligated to be a carer either and can state what he is and isn’t willing to do same as you. What he should be doing is pulling his weight with the housework. Unless he is getting carers allowance of course.
Mum can choose not to have extra help in, but she doesn’t get to expect you to pick up the slack when your first obligation is to
yours kids that you CHOSE to have, just as she CHOSE to have you. Kids owe their parents nothing. Many choose to do as much as they possibly can, just as you have, but it’s out of love not duty.

I looked after my mum through alzheimer's as did my brother. All of it. I have told my kids that I do not want the same sacrifice from them. Your obligation is to your children. Your brother and mum are both selfish.

Id be considering putting her in a old peoples home.

It would be an ultimatum from me

Outside help
or
Residential home

She is being completely unreasonable op

You get to decide how other people treat you and you get to decide how you spend your time and energy. Be more selfish about your own health and needs. Your mother's needs and your brother's easy life are not more important than you. You know this deep down but you find it hard saying no to your mother. Keep saying no. Keep saying that she either gets outside help or things won't get done. Keep focused on you.

That will only be if the mother has money for it. Local authorities are increasingly only sending people into old people’s homes if they can’t cope at home with carers coming in 4 times a day.

Did she care for your nan full time raising you...I bet not. I also bet she didn't work. I know it's horrible but this is unsustainable.

You need professional help

Your mum needs to understand that you're a single mum to two young children. She has a son that lives under her roof who is clearly capable of helping his mother. Is the cat his or your mum's?they shouldn't be having a cat that they can't or won't care for themselves. She can't guilt you purely by stating she birthed you. She chose to have her children and remind her that she has two adult children not just one. The one living with her has no kids living with him he has time to stay out with his mates therefore he could use some of that time to help his mother rather than leaving it all to his single parent sister

Tell her that as of tomorrow, you are not doing anything further for her, as the pressure of caring for her is too much and you have to put your own daughters first - which is what good parents do. At the moment, she is putting her wants and desires (for you, and no-one else, to be her carer) above the needs of you and your children (for rest and family time).

She can get outside carers, or her wonderful son can step up, or she can sort things out alone. Her choice.

Like all horrible mothers, she thinks that doing the basics of physical care for a child is something praiseworthy. It isn't, and if she's anything like my horrible mother, she made a piss-poor job of that too.

She will take advantage of you until you stop her doing so. And the sad fact is, however much you do for her, she is incapable of being a loving mother. No loving mother would treat you like this. Loving mothers put the welfare of their children first. Keep repeating that to yourself - and to her if needed.

You need to contact adult social services & get help in place for you mum. Carers to do personal care & then a cleaner for the house.

I filled up the forms for my late parents and my late husband. However, I'd suggest that the OP might check whether there's a Citizen's Advice Bureau in her area.

They're usually very good at filling up AA forms ad might be able to give her info as to other help that might be available.

Her son needs to step up! Speak to them both and say you cannot continue like this. He needs to do his fair share so you do less, OR they need to get in help. State that they have a week to sort things because after that you will only beable to manage to come 3 days a week.

Just to add -

it's not just that you've been born, it's that you've been born a woman.

Hello op

I really feel for you.

It took me 6 months of therapy to unpick a similar situation with my mum - I realised I'd been brought up to feel responsible for her feelings. (My brother definitely has not, but suffers in his own ways - he's enmeshed with her, and remains immature as a result)

You have to prioritise your own family and yourself. You can't go on like this -I'm not surprised you're exhausted, frustrated and resentful.

Your mum has her mental faculties and can organise help for herself - the hardest bit will be changing a lifetime's worth of patterns where you've been expected to serve her.

You wouldn't put this on your own children, would you.

So yes, I personally recommend therapy for this! It runs deep!

Good luck x

Both personally and professionally, I mind people who won't accept Social Care and expect the child/children to do everything. I know this is an MN standard OP but I think its time to set some boundaries around what you can do and what you can't...and be sure to factor in a bit of slack in case of emergencies.

Just stop. Force your brother to step up

This is a key argument when family people try and guilt trip you - how would they manage if something happened to you? Many of us have had to step right back from a situation in order for it to change.

Agree to a set of tasks and visits that you are happy to do each week, and don't do more.

Your DM obviously needs outside care, her just saying she won't accept it is not good enough. People often overcome this objection once it starts and they get to know the carers who visit them.

Talk to your mum's GP and look on the local council's website in the adult social care section, it will explain how to get the ball rolling on setting up the care your mum needs - that's what a non-horrible daughter would do.

Good luck OP

oh and can I ask what she needs a blue badge for?

No you are absolutely not a horrible daughter, you are human. I think I would have lost my cool and said 'if I'm so horrible you won't want me here doing everything for you then' and left with the kids.

It is hard and her expectations are unreasonable, but she is an adult who is making a choice not to accept help. Meanwhile your kids did not choose to have a mother who is tired and burnt out from her caring commitments.

My DF did eventually accept help and now has carers after a hospital admission, but I still have to back off sometimes when he starts becoming too unreasonable, demanding and unappreciative of all the other help and support we continue to give. It gives him time to reflect on all we do for him because he misses it when we aren't there. I also have a golden DB who does nothing to help.

I learned the hard way to look after myself and my family first after struggling with my DF's elderly older sister refusing help and fighting with social care to get them to do something (dementia, lack of capacity) at the same time as my DF getting less able to care for himself. It impacted my own mental health and one of my children also had a mental health crisis the warning signs of which I missed because I was so overwhelmed with my other caring commitments, juggling work and three kids, two of them with SEN needs.

Back off for a bit and look after yourself and your kids needs first. If she is not coping then her son who lives with her can help or talk to her about accepting outside help.

Firstly, self preservation is key. You won't be able to continue this for long without burning yourself out, when this happens you'll be no use to anyone.
Your children are your priority, not your Mum.
Contact social services and ask them to review her case. It's not a case of not wanting outside help, if she cant manage, she has no choice. Put in place a schedule for a carer, your brother and yourself. Make it clear that your days will be xyz and you will not be doing any caring responsibilities outside of those days. Hold your brother accountable for his share of the responsibilities, if he is living with her it will be assumed that he is helping to support her.
You will have to be tough and stand up for yourself, for as long as you run around after them both they have no need to change.

This cannot continue. You cannot carry this load, it is too great. You are a mother to two small children, and they must be your priority, not your mother.

"my brother lives with her but sleeps in and won’t help with jobs like the toilet (or the cleaning) so the house needs an overhaul.
She won’t accept outside help."

You are NOT helping your mother. All your efforts merely help your brother. He neither needs nor deserves your help, so stop shielding him from his responsibilities and step back from your mother's demands. Seriously. Before you have a breakdown.

Inform your mother and brother that from now on, you must prioritise your own health and they need to get themselves sorted. Tell them you'll contact social services for support, and if they won't accept outside help then your brother will just have to do it all. And then - sit on your hands and block them on your phones for TWO DAYS. Long enough for reality to dawn but not long enough for any serious harm to become her. You can manage two days, right?

'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'.
Wise words I read on here, and you need to take them to heart. You have always done your mother's bidding, and she has always loaded more on your shoulders. You have to take the first step, you have to change what you will accept. And that starts with telling them to get themselves sorted and make them believe that you're stepping back. You will find this very difficult. Maybe impossible. But you cannot continue under this burden. Your daughters deserve more. YOU deserve more.

My grandmother did this to my aunt refusing help from carers.

It’s time you give her an ultimatum. She has a son living with her. Don’t answer her for a few days until she’s ready to put a proper plan in place.

I might sound heartless but it’s not reasonable for her to expect this level of care from someone.