Am I a horrible daughter?

[Cherrypineapplecocktail]

My mum is mid 70s but her health is not great. She needs some support daily to manage independently. This includes help on the toilet, help getting clothes on, dressing her feet, eye drops, driving her to medical appointments etc. I am single parent to two under 6.

I have been up since 4 so already tired but am here helping her (dc in tow) as that’s what she needs.

She’s just said (not for the first time) that she did everything for me as a child, implying I owe her. I usually just accept it but today I called her out on it and said she chose to have me and I’m not her servant. Cue lots of tears and her saying I’m horrible amongst other things. I should be doing it with good grace.

my brother lives with her but sleeps in and won’t help with jobs like the toilet (or the cleaning) so the house needs an overhaul.

She won’t accept outside help.

I feel guilty for feeling resentful. I am at a party with my children later and have to come to hers on the way home when I’ll have two tired children who won’t want to come in but will have to, so I can help her get changed for bed and more eye drops, feed the cat etc. I asked why my brother couldn’t do it and she said he’s out with a friend till late.

I need to do a blue badge application and attendance allowance but haven’t had time yet.

Sorry for moaning. Hoping someone here gets it. Anyone else been in a similar position?

You’re doing far too much OP, take a step right back. If she’s only in her mid-70s this could go on for decades.

Decide where your line is and stick to it - carers can come in and do personal care, your brother could do a lot of the other things.

Limit the visits - I now see mine a handful of times a year and it’s so much better! If you could visit once a week or fortnight but a social visit so she sees her grandchildren, rather than a support visit?

I grew up in a family where the young children were put behind caring for elderly grandparents. For years. It made me absolutely determined not to do the same to my own children.

Thank you. He is definitely the golden child. I used to call him a prince when he was younger.

Your mother looking after you when you’re a kid, is the law.
It’s not tit for tat.

I would 100% develop "health problems" of my own (blood pressure, stress, exhaustion, whatever) which would mean I needed to pull back sharply on support (i.e. create an emergency situation) to reduce the risk to my own health.

I'd tell her, and I'd say that on medical advice I need to take it much more slowly for the next 6-12 months, and wouldn't be able to provide support as I had been doing. I'd then ask her how she'd like to address this (making clear that my recommendation was that she explore bringing in outside people because it was an emergency).

I did something a bit like this; the stress/exhaustion/medical issues in my case were real. I don't think it really matters, though; you sound as though you are in a stressful situation and you need to preemptively look after your own long-term health and energy.

I had support from a sibling who went to bat for me, telling our parent that sibling was very worried about my health and parent needed to be careful not to accept too much help from me because I wasn't really well enough to be offering it. It has worked, in that while I'm still providing support to the parent, much of the day to day stuff is covered by bought in help (described as more of a personal assistant than a carer). I had to harden my heart and deal with feelings of guilt, which isn't pleasant. But I'm now offering support at a level that I can sustain indefinitely, which has made a huge difference.

I wish you well in finding the right solutions for you.

Don't let your brother do the application.

You clearly have the lions share at the moment so don't rely on him in case he botches things up as this money is very useful, i have recently done this form and its a pain in the arse but you need to start it ,do bits at a time so you don't get overwhelmed and really think about your answers ,i was told fill this is in according to the behaviour of the person on one of their worse days,don't falter from that - you will understand what i mean when you read each question.
Then when you get the AA get some outside help and don't budge.
You owe nothing but mutual respect ,of course your mother did everything for you, you were a child and that's what she should have done, so her comments are unfair and manipulative.
Make it very clear what you can offer ,if you can offer and do not do more .
I would meet with your brother away from your mother ,put your cards on the table and find out what he can/will do ,for all you know he may be living his own life in ignorance under the impression from what your mother tells him that you are happy running around after her like a headless chicken.
Your life and responsibilities aren't any less of a priority than your mother's , i do think some elderly can get quite thoughtless and selfish as their life becomes'smaller' and their needs become bigger .
Good luck ,don't become a door mat.

My brother lives with our parents and acts like a huge manchild making messes for them to clean up behind him (in their 80s) and contributing a pittance financially, yet he is and always will be the golden child. Any sign of problems it’s amazing how quickly he can remember my number.

You need to put some boundaries in place, op. And mum throwing an emotional wobbler the first time you question her assertions about you “owing” - she’s just being manipulative. I would have asked her whether she did all those things for your sibling too and why she doesn’t expect him to repay the favour, just you.

You are quite right to be miffed. You need to start saying no. I’d start by telling him he needs to work through those applications with her.

This. 100%.

OP, you owe your mother absolutely nothing. Don't let her guilt you into stuff.
Concentrate on looking after yourself and your children. Your mother will eventually have to pay for the help she needs, because you are most definitely not available.

Of course you are not a horrible daughter. But your brother is not covering himself in glory, is he! How old is he? He needs to grow up, stop being lazy and do stuff around the house.
i do think thst for personal care needs, these should be met by someone else, though. Neither you nor he. I know she says she won’t accept outside help but frankly I’d be insisting. Stop providing the intimate care, stop visiting so often and spend more time with your own family.
Don’t allow yourself to be guilt-tripped into carrying on. Remind yourself this is your life too, and your first responsibility must be to your H and DC. Saying no will be hard but the more you do it, the easier it will become.

No!

OP, we have children so we can love them, not so they can look after us in our old age. I am a few years younger than your mother and thankfully in good health. There is no way that I would have my children looking after me when I am older. I love my children. They have their own lives and children to look after.
Please look after yourself and your children.
Please say no to your mother. Tell her you have your own children to look after. Ask why your brother doesn’t have to pull his weight. For various reasons, I and 1 of my siblings are LC with our mother who is in her nineties. There is no question of her asking me or my sibling to do things for her as she knows what the answer will be. She has to have carers in. You need to get tougher even if that means that nothing gets done for your mother for a while.

I’m going through this now. My dad and brother died 15 years ago and it’s just me and her. I have young kids and she lives 40 mins away on her own. I don’t have a car. I’ve spoken to her at length about her care as she ages and she’s put money aside to be able to pay for a carer and help. I feel bad about not being there but I physically don’t have the means to be her carer. I oversee her health, make appointments, follow up etc. I pay her phone and various other things. I do what I can. But I am not her carer and I don’t want to feel I owe her to be. I’m there for her and I’ll be there but until my kids grow up I can’t go every day to make sure she’s ok. Don’t let your mum guilt trip you, it’s not your job to take care of her, but being aware of her needs and helping when you can is good enough.
As a side note, my H devoted his life to his mother and to the detriment of me and his children. In her later years he spent more time with her than he did at home and his children harbour a lot of resentment towards it. Our older son didn’t go to the funeral because he said he’d given enough of his life to her when she was alive. His father is still upset with him about it but I totally understand why our son felt that way.

She needs to accept outside help. It’s not fair to put this all on you OP and she’s unreasonable to make you feel like you are obliged. I would help my mum as much as I could but I also know she’d do everything she could to make it easier for me because she’d hate putting me out.

You need to have a stern word with both your mother and your brother. If he lives in the house, it's time he pulled his weight and helped his mother and with the chores, tell him not doing anything is no longer an option. Tell your mother she gave birth to him as well so needs to have the same expectations of him as she does you. If she won't, then getting outside help us the only option as how you're living is unsustainable. Do not let either of them guilt trip you or you will end up burnt out and no good to any one.

Just stop doing it. Your responsibility is to your small children not to your mother. When you stop, either your brother will step up or he won’t. Either way, the world will not end.

Call a social worker if it will make you feel less guilty. They will go round and talk to your mother and your brother and figure something out for them.

No you are not a horrible daughter. Your mother is a downright selfish old woman and is being unfair and ridiculous. Tell her you are happy to share the load with your brother and insist she speaks to social services and accepts the help they offer and if she doesn't agree then she can get on with it herself.
You cannot and should not do everything. I had the same with my dad, he truly thought as the daughter i should do it all and his Crown Prince son should do bugger all. I had to lose it one day before he accepted my demands that carers came in and my brother got off his arse. Do it sooner rather than later, in fact phone SS yourself and make an appointment for them to visit your mum.

As people have said your responsibility is to your children

your not horrible at all - it’s part of what our society does - make women think it’s their job and only their job- it’s isn’t

your mum needs to accept carers - ridiculous you running over when there is already another adult in the house who can do everything needed

You're not horrible. She is unreasonable. I'm afraid that as pp have said though you'll need to take a stand. Contact adult social services for your local authority - phone and email will be online. Tell them you've been doing the caring but your mum's got worse and you can't do it anymore because you are sole carer for your two small children so as of now, she needs an assessment and you are not able to do anything. Then tell your mum you've done this and that she will have to take help from carers or get your brother to do it because you are done.

Do this this afternoon while your kids have their party, and tell her tonight it is the very last time you will come to do this.

It's common for older people to say they 'won't accept' outside carers. They rely on you feeling too guilty to stop what you do. But stop you must. You can't sacrifice your life and your kids' time with their mum to this.

Your responsibility is to your children. They have nobody else to care for them. If you can no longer cope what happens to them?

Your mother either needs to insist your brother steps up, or she needs to accept outside carers. You already have caring responsibilities.

She needs some carers coming in, either paid/via social services depending on her income. You can’t carry on like this, it’s not fair on you or your kids.

Your mum needs to seek outside help. Does your brother pay rent to your mum, if so can that help wit the costs of care, if not why not?

Of course your mum did everything for you as a child, that's normal. But caring for an elderly relative is not necessarily the case in our society. Especially, when you are a single parent to two young children.

either your brother steps up or your mum gets outside help. Can your mum honestly not feed the cat herself?

I think you need a calm, clear conversation about what she and you and your brother can manage. Tears and upset will not help. She needs more help then you can offer, how she moves forward is her choice. Be kind but firm.

It's not about what you want to do, or don't want to do; it's about all the other calls on your time.

Bloody typical. Let me guess. She's leaving the house just to him...

Some men leave women to do the majority of care in these situations. It's infuriating.

You are not an awful daughter. You are 100% doing your best OP and she's very lucky to have you.

Your mother refusing to accept outside help tells you all you need to know.
Believe me, when you need it, you accept it.
This is more about control, OP.
And yes, your brother should help more but he’s not a servant either.
DO NOT let her emotionally blackmail you with the ‘I cared for you’ argument as it won’t wash. You were small child, being a mum was her job.
She will have you dancing to her tune for 15 years, I’ve seen women who behave like this live until 90.
You have your own life and your own children.
Get a social services assessment because her attitude is not going to improve and her demands will crank up as time goes by.
You can of course still help when you see fit, but you are not a bad daughter.
She’s a bloody awful mother, though…

You are most definitely not a horrible daughter. You are doing way more than a lot of daughters would do, especially as your lazy idle lump of a brother actually lives there! Start cutting down on the things you do - she has a choice to get outside help, or to involve her son. Your priority is your children. Keep yourself sane and healthy for them.