Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@BestIsWest that’s beyond awful, what on earth are they playing at? I hope your brother’s sorted everything else. Sorry about the funeral.

(Also @PermanentTemporary I used to love Katherine Whitehorn … takes me back to when the Grauniad actually used to have a proper Women’s Page!)

@BestIsWest
"What a day!"
".... it's lunchtime"

Off on a big holiday next week. The person who is going to be looking after my horse now has a parent emergency to deal with. Luckily it's a small friendly yard and everyone else will muck in to help.

Phew @countrygirl99 but there’s always a drama whenever we’re in danger of five minutes of peace…

DH has just got back from visiting FIL in hospital. Arrived to him swearing loudly in pain at the physios who were trying to stand him up. One then turns to DH and says ‘oh you’re here to take him home?’. DH is home, FIL is not. DH reminded them there needs to be a care package in place, which apparently didn’t go down very well.

Well done to your DH @SockFluffInTheBath.
@countrygirl99, we’re off in a fortnight. I can’t wait. Have a lovely time and try and relax. I’m sure the horse will be well looked after.

Got back from the funeral yesterday and went straight to DMs and found her at the top of the stairs! She can barely walk 20 yards with a Zimmer so how she got up there I have no idea. Bathroom and bedroom are downstairs. She was looking for clean bedding to change the bed before the carer came. I had told her multiple times times that I’d put clean sheets on the bed! My heart was in my mouth as she came downstairs. DD says I should get a stair gate.

@BestIsWest how scarey for you. Yes I'm sure hose will be fine it's a lovely bunch at the yard. At least it's not as bad as a few years ago when FIL was an emergency admission to hospital the night before we wentand it was looking pretty grim. Friend's mum is being kept in for tests but is already feeling a lot better so hopefully a short crisis.

At the funeral yesterday we were a group of 5 old friends. Every one of us is in the same position regarding elderly parents. Apart from one who didn’t make it because her mother had been admitted to hospital in an emergency yesterday morning. At least I was with people who understood!

Bloody hell @BestIsWest

This is a club that nobody wants to belong to. 😓

Mine is out! Home for elevenses...and a scam attempt call.
Thank the Lord, her body is a mess but her mind is fine - she put the phone (landline) down on them, picked up her mobile, and called her bank. I couldn't be more pleased. They should put her on a public service broadcast!
Oh and one of the people who transported her home is apparently going to help clear out her pond, she says.
When I go down next week I might see if I can start persuading her to pick/try a weekly group to go to. I found myself thinking that at least the brief hospital visit got her out of the house... Yeah ideally she should have something a little more fun and a chance to make friends who aren't going to be off in ICU after their op!

Glad she’s home @MysterOfwomanY and well done to her on the scam caller.

Just had a phone call off the evening carer asking what the evening call is actually for…

I occasionally deal with elderlies as part of my work and realise the last few years has made me wiser. The kindly little old lady who I saw this week quickly told me her daughters want her to go into a home, she looked like she is managing okay (well presented and I think she drove) although she has email is resistant to using technology.

I reacted neutrally and let her continue talking, to hear she’s had a mini stroke and broken a bone in a fall and I could easily imagine why her daughters are concerned for her wellbeing. It made me cringe about the way a more naive me might have reacted in the past!

I have had a bit of a social weekend and like @BestIsWest all the friends I saw have some caring duties, some also juggling with teenagers or adult children needing support and some having to go into battle with NHS and/or SS. Solidarité is everywhere.

Having got in a complete tizz a few weeks ago and asking me to arrange a care home visit mum is back to "I manage fine I don't see why you are talking to me about care homes". Not that she can remember even visiting the care home 2 weeks ago. No, if she has to think about a care home I could at least arrange for her to visit first.
And she doesn't phone British Gas multiple times a week because she's turned off the power to the heating controls, that must be the carers doing that because why would she do that.
And she definitely still goes to the activity that stopped in 2023. Her friend, who had to give up driving last year, always picks her up in her car and they go together. They definitely went this week so she has a very good social life and doesn't constantly moan about being lonely.
And why is DS2 in Finland? He's lived there for nearly 5 years. Does he have a girlfriend? He's in Finland because he married a Finnish girl a few days before they moved to Finland. Does DS1 still live at home? No, he moved in with his GF 4 years ago.
Thankfully DH had the wine ready when I got home.

Oh God @countrygirl99
« capacity » is such a bastard

Yep @countrygirl99 Mine told everyone she couldn’t wait to get out of hospital to play bowls and get into the greenhouse to sort out the tomato plants. It’s been years since she did that.
I don’t think she’s letting the carers do anything for her. I’m not convinced she’s eating as she won’t let them make food or drink for her and the fridge is still as full of food as it was when my brother filled it on Thursday. The only things missing seem to be things I’ve given her when I’ve called in. I am afraid to say I shouted at her on Saturday because she doesn’t see why she needs carers as she can do everything herself. Apart from all the things I do. ‘Well don’t do them then’ was her answer. But it’s not the answer is it.

She keeps telling me that ‘now is your time to enjoy yourselves’, me and DH, now we’ve retired and are in reasonable health. She and DF went off on month long holidays to the far east, New Zealand, South Africa etc. I can’t even go to a funeral 30 miles away without four phone calls about her. Yes I am resentful.

We're off on a big holiday to celebrate me retiring first thing Wednesday morning. "Sadly" the first place we stay is an off grid eco lodge with (slow) wifi only in the restaurant so brothers will just have to deal with anything that comes up. Not much I can do from Central America anyway😁. Longstanding café participants may remember the traumas we had with FIL the night before our big (and covid delayed) 60th/Ruby wedding holiday so I maybe putting my phone on silent from noon on Tuesday!

Sounds amazing @countrygirl99 and of course I remember the last time. We had a few amazing holidays just before the pandemic but haven’t managed anything longer than a week since - even then I had the dementia support nurse ringing me. Have a fab time.
Is there a way to turn off the phone part of your phone I wonder. We’re off to Amsterdam for a week in May and I will need to use the phone for maps, trams, tickets etc but don’t want any phone calls!

P.S. DO NOT tell anyone you are retiring. They will think you are free to take on ALL responsibilities. Big mistake on my part.

@BestIsWest Mobile phone use in the EU is more complicated post-Brexit. Yes, it's possible to purchase EU packages that are data-only and don't include phoning home.
You can use whatapp to contact people you are on holiday with as needed.

@BestIsWest my friends think it's hilarious that I haven't told my brothers and those friends still working have taken note of my strategy. You've prompted me to investigate turning off just the phone but. The country we are going to seems to run on WhatsApp for contacting restaurants/trips etc so after the eco lodge we will need to use WiFi. I suppose there is the do not disturb function if there's nothing else.

Just had a really depressing realisation of just how long I've been on these threads. It's nearly 5 years since DS2s wedding had to be cancelled due to covid and then hastily rearranged for the beginning of July with just us there. I'd been around a while then!

DF died in July 2020 so I was definitely beginning to look at these threads around then.

@catndogslife my phone contract includes data roaming in the EU at least until next year so I wonder if putting it on flight mode might do. I could obviously turn off the phone ringer but then would obsess about missed calls. Also Social service have taken to using WhatsApp for contact which is annoying.
Its just me and DH going so won’t need to phone anyone else.