Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

@anonimouse1 DF is not ex-military but another relative is - the ex-military one is a dream compared to DF (despite needs on paper being far greater).

Interesting thanks for your reply @FiniteSagacity. My person is ex military and also know of another similar int the way the don't seem to car about GC or indeed myself, quite self centered and expect me to drop everything to help out. Currently having health issues and to be brutally honest it's making me quite unwell.

Need to step even further back for my own sake I think

@FiniteSagacity thanks that's really good advice. I'll bear it in mind

Hi, can I join you please! I’ve got Mum in a care home since early December, and what I’m coming to realise is a financially abusive father who is refusing to pay for anything beyond her basic bed and 3 meals a day. She’s self funding and has plenty of money so it shouldn’t be an issue but it is.

She hasn’t had a haircut in 5 months despite me asking him multiple times to book and pay for one for her, and I had to get the staff to intervene and make him book and pay for the podiatrist a month or so ago as her toenails were beyond awful, he hadn’t trimmed them since way before she went into care home and that is one of those things I never saw and didn’t think to check. He paid exactly the £16.50 required for that appointment into her resident spending account, and not a penny more.

She looks desperate and I’m heartbroken so I’ve now paid for these things, she’s booked in for haircut and podiatrist next week, and I’ve bought some new clothes for her - he won’t bring any more of her clothes in from home for some reason, oh and he won’t buy any name tags either, I bought the first batch and now so I’ve had to buy more of those too. I’ve spent money DH and I don’t have spare at the moment tbh. I text him yesterday about it and now he’s trying to gaslight me, no offer of reimbursement, no thanks, no acknowledgment that mum looks like a homeless person.

I actually feel like I hate him right now. I was going to do a family meal on Easter Sunday but it would choke me to sit at a table with him and his fresh haircut and shave, while mum looks the state she does.

Welcome @GardenGaff I saw your thread and feel for you. I don’t have any advice but I’m sure others will. Could you involve social services? Does he have POA? Office of the public guardian?

FIL had an endoscopy and treatment for an ulcer. A bloody ulcer. He’s lost a huge quantity of blood this week, now he’s fine. He’s had sepsis twice, and walked out the hospital both times. God knows what he’s made of. Apart from cake. No idea on discharge, but will need proper pain management so he’s not living on nurofen again. I’m exhausted, I might take myself off to bed.

Oh and MIL’s live in carer starts on Saturday. Hoorah.

I hope it goes well today SockFluff.

Can I say hello and perhaps join ? My parents are 80 and my dm was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2021. Dad is her main carer. He went from never ever having cooked a meal or used the washing machine to doing everything. He is coping ok. Except in his attitude. He is constantly horrible to her. I know what he is coping with is a big deal. But he has no kindness or compassion. And he and I clash over it. I go there once a week and have lunch with them and help out. dm’s Alzheimer’s is affecting her primarily physically rather than mentally and she still is able to follow the news and have proper conversations etc but she can’t walk unaided or really do anything for herself physically now. And her eyesight is bad and getting worse despite her eyes being ok. Anyway it’s desperately sad. I had a big argument with DF yesterday and I am feeling very weary and saddened by it. I offered to give him some respite later in the year so he could go away with his friends and he somehow was nasty to me about it. It really hurt me :( can anyone help me figure out if there is such a thing as a sitting service so mum isn’t left alone when he goes out for any of his various activities? She is ok alone but the risk is she tries to go to the loo and falls.

@Thethingswedoforlove MIL couldn't be left at all. Her at home care was LA funded and FIL got a personal budget for 8 hours of sitting service a week. Still wouldn't bloody use it though and then moaned like mad about it being so hard to get out so doesn't always work.

@countrygirl99 im sorry it’s so hard. Suspect the same might happen in my situation too.

@Thethingswedoforlove the only thing that would have kept FIL happy would be for 1 of his sons to turn into a daughter and give up everything to move in and be his personal servant.

Hello.

Popping in for the first time in ages as I'm struggling atm.

Was on here 2019-22...dad fell downstairs and broke his back then on end life throughout the pandemic and passed away May 2021. Cantankerous mum had a thing going on with the carer...etc etc.

Dad would have been 87 last Wednesday and I still miss him desperately.

Mum meanwhile is hurtling towards 86, still living independently but driving a lot less, hearing worse than ever and has her fuzzy/forgetful moments but definitely still all there.

She still sees the 'carer' every couple of weeks and their relationship is not platonic 🤢. I reported it to social services over two years ago and they investigated but ultimately did sweet FA. He is now retired so there's nothing I can do about him.

She's started smoking again and is ploughing through about 15 a day with gay abandon; plays fast and loose with her diet (insulin dependent Type 2), and was such a liability at ther last stent fitting they were unable to proceed, yet she is showing every sign of outliving me.

We have our moments when we get on well, but it's up and down and today has been rubbish. I'm just exhausted dealing with her right wing views, constantly undermining me and putting me down. (And always much worse in front of Dd or friends), incessant oversharing about her continence issues and sex life.

I just wish someone could tell me when I'll be free of it. And then I feel guilty and like a horrible, evil person for thinking like that.

Sorry, just needed to vent.

@GardenGaff he should be bloody ashamed of himself . What a horrible mean man - do you have POA for your mum at all?

@MadamePeriwinkle I remember you, you poor thing. If we could strike people down with the power of our minds we'd all be dead, so I think you can safely fulminate in the privacy of your own head ALL YOU LIKE.

Not much to grumble about here - took our one for a nice outing this week and kept a few things on the boil. Though I did get a text indicating she had ... I think ... taken violent umbrage at the wording of an official letter. I have not enquired what or why - if it's important it can be dealt with on our next visit. Could have done without having to calm her down over text while I was trying to have a nice visit with my lovely in-law rellies though.

Solidarité 🍷all, newcomers and all.

Mine aren’t too bad atm though I haven’t been as I’ve had a cold DS brought home at end of term. Wiped me out and I stayed in bed yesterday. It would probably fell my Dad at his age.

Rang him this evening, he has cooked a turkey dinner for Easter. Except he wanted to turn the fan off in the oven then discovered an hour later he’d turned the whole thing off so it was cold! Started again, an hour behind, and when I rang he was fretting about whether it was cooked. He’d cut a slice off the top but wasn’t sure. So I carefully explained how you put a skewer or knife into the centre amd check if the juices run clear, all the time thinking, you’re 96, your mother was a cook her whole life, how do you not know this?

Torn between laughter & worry tbh, as on the one hand he’s doing bloody well, on the other, there’s now a lot of confusion creeping in…

Lovely afternoon with DM (STILL in hospital STILL waiting for a care package), looking at old photos and sitting in the hospital garden.
Then at 7pm a phone call , DM on the line, WHY is she being held prisoner, WHY won’t I let her go home, She’ll never forgive me for this, How dare I etc etc.

Pass the gin and make it a large one.

Greetings to everyone in the mad house. I've messaged my brothers that I want one of them to do the 2nd visit to the care home as I had a number of concerns and want a 2nd opinion. Youngest is abroad on holiday but has responded that he will catch up with me about it when he is back and has access to his work diary. Absolutely nothing from goldenballs who whinges about everything. I deliberately didn't say what my concerns are and he hasn't even asked. He is the only one with POA.

Hello. Sadly feel that I need to pull up a chair. Following on and off for a while but reality now hitting. This is not a café that I wanted to frequent but please make me welcome.

Welcome @Mumbles12 .

Welp, I spoke too soon.
Guess who's in A&E? (Not me).
Not sure what's going on. I woke up to find a text (*) and when I rang, she answered and said the medics were with her and we'd talk later. So she can text, speak, and is receiving medical attention.
Dammit, she was looking perky a few days ago.

Something I can admit here is that I have a big trip coming up - a lot of work's gone into the planning and it's something I'm keen to do before I get too old. Had to cancel another long-planned trip last year to support her and my heart is sinking now at the prospect of history repeating itself. At least I learned my lesson and booked everything as cancellable as I could.

Please let it not come to cancelling again.
Other people (far enough away that they couldn't help anyhow) say things like, "you can't put your life on hold", but saying that doesn't change the situation :\

(*) I don't live particularly near so there's no point in contacting me for urgent stuff - so I have my phone on DND until a sensible time in the morning, as I'm rubbish if I'm short on sleep.

Oh @MysterOfwomanY that's crap.

I really hope it turns out not to be anything too worrisome and you get to go on your trip.

I'm off to Paris next weekend (bank hol) - will be away for all of 72 hours and mum started bringing up the 'what will happen if...' convo about a month ago. DD is now 20 and over 100 miles away at uni.

Mum has an amazing next door neighbour who is really good to/with her, a couple of friends in town and DD and I will be contactable.

I feel bad for my rant yesterday now. Tbf when she's not driving me up the wall, mum is pretty impressive practically and I guess I'm lucky not to be having to do more. The fear of that slippery slope never seems to quite go away though, and the emotional high maintenance is hard.

Happy bank holiday to all. Feeling very odd after FIL's death on Thursday - I don't have a thing to do admin wise so there's that at least. Took dm into the sunny garden at the nursing home and gave her illicit foods (she's on a pureed diet, probably right as her swallow is incredibly erratic but she was on top form yesterday so fed her mini Creme eggs and digestive biscuits). We had an actual conversation which slightly freaked me out tbh. Then called over to dp's parents as DPD had another post Covid high temp and oncology triage told him to come in, so poor dp did that while I ate more biscuits with DPM who's also recovering from Covid. She's very on the ball and is considering employing carers. Again not really my responsibility which is quite nice.

None of this is too hard but it dies mean it's basically not possible to do much else. We've been aiming to go for a walk for about 4 weeks.

@MadamePeriwinkle oh same same. Mine is nothing compared to a lot of the elderlies on here. Gets online shops, arranges gardener, cleaner, etc etc.
But we used to see each other twice a year and now it's twice a month with daily texting, and it feels a bit like if I don't text one day then the next day there is some crisis.
Widowed last year and they didn't really have a social circle.
In the long term I'm hoping she might start getting the carers to take her out somewhere a few times a month so she can make friends.

And you can't really not mention you're going away and just claim illness when you skip your regular visit, but I'm sure some of us have been tempted. Actually for a weekend in Paris you probably could have, but too late now ;)

@MysterOfwomanY well I didn't know if I was going to need her to feed the cats so...

Mum is brilliant practically, she does her own gardening (neighbour mows her lawns) and is currently repainting her hallway having recently done the sitting room!

But emotionally she is pretty self-obsessed, bordering on narcissistic, and she likes to compare herself to others and play the victim. Her closest friend is part of a huge Irish family who all came over in the 70s because of 'The Troubles'. Parents, three sisters and their husbands have now created three generations, all living locally and all of them get on. Mum adores her friend but is permanently disgruntled that she doesn't have a similar family network.

It's also just dawned on me this morning that I may have sensory issues with visiting my mum. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the end of last years with a few autistic traits as well and mums house is sensory overload - overheated, reeks of cigarette smoke and everything at max volume because of mums hearing.

I'm redecorating my sitting/dining room atm but once it's done I think I'm going to suggest she comes to me for one of our twice weekly visits. I can pick her up on the way home from
work, feed her and drop her back.

@MadamePeriwinkle it says a lot about the cockroach cafe that when you described how mobile your DM was, my initial feeling was compassion for you, because you've got more to go ... (and because she can get into more trouble!).

I should probably text mine to say I'll be out of reception range during lunch (you'd think in this day and age there would be nowhere in the middle of a town where you can't get reception AT ALL ! But there you go).