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Elderly parents
Original poster

Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

998 replies

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/01/2025 09:49

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

OP posts:
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countrygirl99 · 15/04/2025 13:05

The trouble is, besides already being unimpressed with the admin, shabby decor and barely adequate facilities, I've visited a couple of homes that would

  1. meet her needs better in terms of available activities. She likes music and word games not nursery school level colouring in and making easter bonnets. OK the time will come when she doesn't benefit from those but that could be a year or more.
  2. are in a location (slightly further away for me but a town she loves to visit) where we could take her on little outings to a nice market/coffee shop/etc for an hour or so. The small town she is in is an utter shithole without even a decent garden centre or cafe so visits would be just sitting in her room or an overcrowded day room or longer trips out which she finds hard to cope with. But she can't imagine not living there. It's not like she's lived there forever. She only moved there 18 years ago because goldenballs moved there for work but now he lives his best life 5 hours away leaving all this hassle to me and just whinging about what I do. (Bitter? Moi?)
BestIsWest · 15/04/2025 14:23

It’s frustrating isn’t it. You want to respect their wishes but on the other hand they don’t seem to consider yours.

DM is STILL in hospital waiting for a care package. She was actually a bit happier when I visited yesterday. We have a longed for holiday booked for a months time. I have a horrible feeling they’ll keep her in until two days before we’re due to go. I’d like to see her settled at home with carers before then.
I know we could go the self funding route but I want to see how she gets on with the LA Home First carers. And I want social services involvement as they’ve been extremely hands off so far when I’ve tried to involve them.

On the upside, she’s actually read a book for the first time I about two years and is on a second book. This is a miracle! She was an avid reader once.

EmotionalBlackmail · 15/04/2025 15:36

BigSkies2022 · 15/04/2025 11:33

Hello, can I join? Mum 88 and dad 93, living independently in a nice managed flat, both children 30 minutes drive away and everyone pulling together to help. Multiple health and mobility problems on both sides.

Finally got to the point where they are prepared to get home help in. We have organised a visit from social care assessment, and we are waiting for that appointment, but DM is also keen to investigate private care, independently hired. Previous experience with at-home care (the Re-ablement team, assigned after one of dad's many falls landed him in the frailty unit for a couple of days) has not been very successful: too many different people, some of whom were 'loud' and 'clumsy', times too erratic - was dad going to be washed and dressed at 7am or 10am?. That experience has left them sceptical about LA/NHS provision.

The hope is that a private carer, independently hired, will be able to turn up at specific times, get to know them, fit in better. They have been given a recommendation by the house manager, a carer who already works for one of the other residents. We're meeting her on Thursday.

My question is: what kind of questions should I ask and what kind of contract are we looking at? I don't want my parents on the hook as 'employers', with a requirement for NI, sick pay, holiday pay, etc.

Does anyone have any experience of this?

You’ll need to use an agency - it costs more than employing direct but they will make sure holiday, sick pay, tax and NI are all sorted out without you having to worry about it. And they should be able to arrange cover for holiday, sickness etc without you having to suddenly fill in yourself and frantically trying to find someone else.

Earlydarkdays · 15/04/2025 17:06

I’m here for a strong gin and handing the biscuits round today, tea wouldn’t cut it!
Nothing major here, I’m not dealing with half the caring responsibilities you all are in terms of illnesses etc but my patience is sorely being tested this week! It’s coming up for 6 months since DF died, and whilst DM is only early 70s and in theory, should be able to lead a pretty independent life, the level of input/support etc required is taking up far too much of my brain space. I’ll actually be glad to get back to work next week for some element of peace! (on leave this week with my DC).

BigSkies2022 · 15/04/2025 17:18

EmotionalBlackmail · 15/04/2025 15:36

You’ll need to use an agency - it costs more than employing direct but they will make sure holiday, sick pay, tax and NI are all sorted out without you having to worry about it. And they should be able to arrange cover for holiday, sickness etc without you having to suddenly fill in yourself and frantically trying to find someone else.

Show quote history

Thank you, that's my gut instinct. I mean, it's their money, and their choice about who they want in their home, but I don't want to set it up to fail.

MrsJRHartley · 15/04/2025 18:13

BestisWest tell everyone you're going away 2 days (at least) before you actually are.* *

countrygirl99 · 15/04/2025 18:40

Make it a week and you're away for a month😁

Meanwhile someone talk me down from driving 5 hours to thump goldenballs.

BestIsWest · 15/04/2025 18:59

@MrsJRHartley @countrygirl99 ooh you two are devious. I like it.

EmotionalBlackmail · 15/04/2025 19:32

Holidays are always twice as long as they actually are (you then get wind down/prep time in advance so you can actually enjoy the holiday).

Same as a working day is 2 hours longer
than it really is and external phone calls can’t be taken.

PermanentTemporary · 15/04/2025 20:40

Leave it @countrygirl99 he's not worth it [spills pint of Snakebite on own stonewash jeans]

Statsinyoureyes · 15/04/2025 21:30

Is there room for one more? About to have an elderly family member move in whilst they have some hospital treatment. For various complicated reasons this falls to me and DH even though we have young kids, both work full time and don't have a spare room so we will be on the sofa bed. I'm dreading it

BestIsWest · 15/04/2025 21:58

Always room on the bad daughters bench @Statsinyoureyes

FiniteSagacity · 16/04/2025 00:10

@PermanentTemporary 👏 👏👏

Welcome @Statsinyoureyes and may the temporary be very temporary and your sofa bed be comfortable.

Statsinyoureyes · 16/04/2025 08:50

Thanks all! Looks like initially possibly 3 months but who knows what the future holds after that! They are moving in just after Easter.

FiniteSagacity · 16/04/2025 09:22

@Statsinyoureyes I’d love to tell you don’t do it - three months! Is it a knee or hip replacement? I hope they are relatively independent now and that they have the mindset they will fit in with your family while they recover and not expect a little bell and servants which they will get used to. Watch out for delirium and ask for physio.

SockFluffInTheBath · 16/04/2025 09:59

@Statsinyoureyes can you ask for respite or some other temporary placement? 3 months is a long time. Have you done this before? It’s easy to underestimate the load and mental impact, and add compromised sleep into the mix, it’s unlikely to go well.

SockFluffInTheBath · 16/04/2025 13:55

Sorry, need to breathe. FIL’s internal bleeding seems to be worsening and I’m really struggling with it because 4 years ago DD was in ICU with massive internal bleeding and I can’t stop thinking about her lying there in that bed trying to stay alive. I need to get a grip before DH gets back from the hospital, I can’t make this about me. Too early for 🍷 and I have to lead a capability meeting in 5 minutes.

Statsinyoureyes · 16/04/2025 16:46

Poor you @SockFluffInTheBath sending positive thoughts! So sorry you went through that with DD as well.

FiniteSagacity · 16/04/2025 18:07

Thoughts are with you @SockFluffInTheBath it all sounds horrendous for FIL and awful to have those flashbacks to what your DD went through. I hope your meeting was okay and you got through the day. I’m sure it’s hard to open the wine with so much uncertainty so I recommend a CBD drink.

countrygirl99 · 16/04/2025 18:31

@sockfluffinthebath that sounds tough

anonimouse1 · 16/04/2025 18:50

Hi new here have read the thread and can identify with you all on many points, having similar issues myself unfortunately.

Wanted to ask are many of these people ex military at all ? Just pondering 🤔.

BestIsWest · 16/04/2025 19:01

That sounds traumatic @SockFluffInTheBath. Sending love.

No military here @anonimouse1

SockFluffInTheBath · 16/04/2025 19:04

Thanks ladies. Talking about machines for an hour helped to take the edge off a bit. DH has taken DD in, she asked to see her grandad. Had the quote and conditions from SS for 24hr home care for MIL so that’s the next task.

Solidarité 🍷

Statsinyoureyes · 16/04/2025 20:04

Our situation is a bit complicated because the relative needs chemo and as they presented to our local hospital whisly visiting us over Christmas, they have to have the chemo in our area apparently. There doesn't seem to be any other option

FiniteSagacity · 16/04/2025 21:25

@Statsinyoureyes we experienced issues with DF being out of area. Try to be very clear at all times that relative is staying with you temporarily and always correct anyone who says ‘lives with’.

Ask for printed copies of things. This will help with both sharing with relative’s GP and mean you can correct any language if it starts changing to ‘lives with Stats’.

We found both NHS and social care work in catchment areas and even departments in the same hospital don’t talk to each other.

DF needed a lot of regular medical appointments to be maintained but 3 GP practices we asked refused to take him on as a temporary patient - then DF’s GP (of decades) were quick to point out his address was not actually in their catchment… so he had 3 different GPs in 6 months. I hope your relative’s treatment is all hospital based, or it’s feasible to get them to their own GP when necessary.