Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Yes
and I cannot believe how long it has been going with no prospect of ending, especially looking at the life span of her siblings (in a country with shit healthcare).

It's just so awful. I feel sorry for her, she has no interest in being alive either, yet still eats really carefully etc

I'm sorry, I know it could be so much worse. Apologies to those dealing with worse. I'll shut up now.

@EmeraldRoulette sorry, I didn’t remember. Am particularly strung out this week so anything not entirely essential is not staying in my brain.

Apologies to those dealing with worse. I'll shut up now.

please don’t. We’re not in competition, and we all have ups and downs. I sometimes think the ups can be just as hard because you have time to think,

Hey @EmeraldRoulette. Reading your post and feeling it.

Hi everyone, I've just had a nightmare last 24 hours.

Quick summary for those who haven't seen any of my previous threads. DM (84 with narcissistic tendencies) compos mentis, is my DF's (88) carer. They live in a semi detached house with no downstairs loo nowhere near amenities, etc. DF has been having confusions for years but DM refused to face it despite trying hard to get her to talk to their GP. Only agreed to do it now because he has got considerably worse in the past few weeks. No care or home helps in place, and no interest or desire to get any. They just want me to do it all when the sh*t hits the fan 😩.

Yesterday they went to GP about my dad's confusions and my mum mentioned a sore back she has had since last weekend which kept catching her breath. GP instructed her to go to a&e asap that evening as she said it feels like she might have a blood clot in lung.

DF can't look after himself and there is no care in place so DH took day off work to do school runs and let me go up to help DF. DF was very confused and it was heartbreaking 💔. On top of that, DM wasn't seen and x-rayed until midday today after being in hospital since 8pm last night. She got all clear, there was no clot and was a pulled muscle. She was discharged this afternoon. I made sure they were both OK and came home.

I am now sitting here exhausted and stressed about what to do from here. Care needs to be in place urgently, and I can't just down tools and take on a full time carer role for DF if my DM goes into hospital. I have 3 kids, 2 with autism. My parents have no forward planning done and this simply can't go on.

My mum also made a passing comment about it being a shame that DH took time off work but then said "well we have helped you out plenty in the past". (They actually haven't!).

Do I call their doctor? Or is there anyone I can talk to for advice on what to do? I don't mind helping, but not to the extent they seem to expect me to. DF needs personal care (which I didn't need to do today as was only one day) and I don't feel it's appropriate for me to do it for his sake and his dignity.

I just don't know what to do, and dread my phone ringing in case it's my mum with another drama 😥

@Frazzledmummy123 Call their GP and get an emergency number for Social Services. God knows what Social Services will do but that’s what social services told me to do when I asked what would happen in DMs case should we hav e an emergency need for care.

I can’t tell you it will be any help because DMs assessment with Social services was a bit of a waste of time but they did get the physios and OTs out to assess her.

Hopefully someone with a bit more knowledge can advise better.

Take care of yourself.

There is such a thing as Crisis Care in some areas. I'm a health professional so have been known to refer people to it. If your dm goes into hospital I'd ring the social services duty desk and ask if there is such a thing and whether your df is eligible for it.

I would always say that your primary responsibility is to yourself as a human being and then to your kids, then your partner. That doesn't mean you do nothing for anybody else, by any means. What it means is that you aim to help out on a way that doesn't half kill you, and doesn't damage your kids. Getting crisis care organised in that scenario would be a perfectly adequate and caring response.

@Frazzledmummy123 i would look at getting LPA in place and start investigating care options at home now. I tried the softly, softly approach with my parents and they refused carers until hospital discharge necessitated it and it was a mad scramble. I wish I had pushed harder before it got to that point.

Another wonderful Friday night 🙄 last carer into MIL about an hour ago tipped water all over the electrics while making tea, so everything is off, house is cold and in darkness. She’s then waltzed out leaving the door and gate unlocked. FIL pulled his lifeline when he got bored of sitting in the dark. I just fucking despair.

That's terrible! 😦.

That needs to be a complaint @SockFluffInTheBath have you had to go over to sort it all out?

@Choconuttolata is right that you should complain.

I’ve had 9 calls today about when the £50 Nationwide bonus is going to be paid, FFS.

Yes, we’re making a complaint, have emailed every man and his dog, and asked to change the agency to the one that supports PIL because this lot are frankly awful. One of them is lovely but the others are lazy, mouthy, not nice to MIL and one of them keeps turning the sodding boiler off. Got an electrician coming this morning as DH reckons the socket needs changing. Honestly it’s miracle the silly cow didn’t blow herself up.

@Frazzledmummy123 you may just have to drop the rope.
I mean of course you should talk to them and urge them to take action for the future now - put POAs in place, get carers in (even if once a day for now to familiarise), look at options. Of course you should do that.
But - they are the decision makers and you can’t force them to make that decision (if only we could!). Equally they can’t force you to step into the breach because of a crisis of their own making.
I have similar concerns for my DPs. I have POA but they refuse carers, cleaners, meal services, gardeners - everyone but me basically. I live an hour away. I know that when the crisis comes, it’s going to be a shit show, but I also know that they are, as I tell myself sometimes, grown-ass adults who are responsable for their own lives.
And breathe.

It gets better. DH removed the kettle last night, checked it over and plugged it into a different socket on the other side of the kitchen. MIL’s breakfast run carer moved it to the previous socket, didn’t push it all the way home just the tips in the socket, and it’s blown the lot again and arced across the plug.

FIL then proceeds to tell DH how he should just move in because they need him more than me and DD do. That he told lifeline not to call BIL last night because he shouldn’t be being bothered with things like this when he can put a call in to DH and get him over. DH has lost it at that point and told him when DD finishes school this summer we don’t need to be in her school’s catchment anymore, and that it was about time golden BIL was the closest.

FIL then proceeds to tell DH how he should just move in because they need him more than me and DD do.

ok, by saying this out loud your FIL has clearly pushed through the boundaries of “normal” parent-child adult relationships. Whether this is symptomatic of their usual relationship or your FIL’s decline it doesn’t matter. It’s a demonstrable example that your PIL can’t continue with their current support system and that they aren’t thinking clearly about what support they do need and will accept going forwards. No one would think it reasonable to seriously suggest an adult child leave their spouse and children to move in full time and care for elderly parents.

Sending good wishes to your DH on holding his line with them.

Thanks funnelfan, always good to know you’re not being unreasonable!

Had a call from the agency manager, carer already interviewed and lied about a few things. DH said yes taking it to the CQC and at that point it stepped up a gear. We’ll see what happens.

DH is over there now, BIL has made an appearance. He’s angry because his mum was scared, everything he sorts FIL bumbles into and messes up, and he’s tired of being on call 24/7. Said he’s going to say he’s tired of being undermined and treated like staff, and if FIL stops him changing MIL’s agency then he’s on his own from now on. We’d never abandon MIL but I’d happily flytip FIL in a ditch somewhere.

Keep saying it @SockFluffInTheBath. Stay strong. Anger can be helpful at times.

DH is back and attacking a downed tree with a chainsaw. Am watching from a distance. He read them the riot act. BIL agreed that DH should be more available 🙈 so DH went ballistic. Told them that this week he’s been to Cardiff, Norwich, and Shoreham with work (we’re in the midlands) and he’d just got back last night when it rang, so what point is it getting lifeline to only ever call him when he could be anywhere. The reply was not to get them to call BIL but to get another name on there because BIL is a whole hour away so we can’t be bothering him. BIL’s there muttering that he works you know and he likes his evenings at home…

Most of the time it goes because FIL is face down on the floor. He’s a good 15st heavier than me so there’s no chance of me getting him up, Ambulance response for that sort of call here is very slow (maybe quite rightly) so someone else needs to come first.

They really need to be in a home but FIL and BIL are blocking it so BIL can get the house.

At this point I'd be suggesting that your DH either gets taken off the Lifeline or ignores the calls. If he's reached the point where only murdering trees will relieve his stress (don't blooming blame him) he needs to take a break and leave them to it. So sorry @SockFluffInTheBath.

My BIL started telling the Lifeline people that he was not in a position to attend. So ambulances were called instead (there was a keysafe). I'd do that.

Thank you, again 💐

I wondered the other day about the house actually. MIL has been having LA carers for a while now and it only costs about £260/mth because all assets are in FIL’s name. FIL’s carers started maybe 2 mths ago and there’s not been a bill. When the SW tried to do the financial assessment he told her it’s private, get lost. Is it possible they’re just putting a charge on the house instead, or can they not do that because MIL is in there too?

Head like a sieve. DH has said he’s only going to respond to lifeline calls about or for his mum from now on. When they come in for FIL he’s going to tell them to call BIL.

Is it possible they’re just putting a charge on the house instead, or can they not do that because MIL is in there too?

from reading online it looks like there’s no charge in the house because they’re still in it- hence not wanting to go into a home. But care should only be free if FIL has savings under the threshold? I thought he had more than that from the way he spoke as if he owned the world, but maybe not,