Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Hi all, this is my first post in the cockroach cafe, but I think I belong here. DM is in hospital following a stroke in early Nov, and the discharge team have been in touch to start the process of moving her out to a nursing home. I’ve viewed a couple of local ones and was horrified by the costs (how does anyone find £1850 a week?!) so we’re navigating the funding options and researching homes slightly further afield to find the balance between affordability and meeting her needs. It’s a minefield isn’t it!!

Welcome @Randommother.
Have you found the Age UK fact sheets yet? They're really helpful in working out what you're entitled to and what you need to do.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/paying-for-care/paying-for-a-care-home/

Don't forget as well that once the person has moved into the care home and their old home disposed of most of their normal expenses are covered by that payment to the home - utilities, council tax, food, house maintenance, rent.

Thanks @EmotionalBlackmail. Mum moved 11 years ago after my DF died, and we were advised to put half her property into a trust for me and my sister, to protect our inheritance from Dad, so we have that to navigate too. DSis suggested we rent the property out to generate some income towards the fees, but we’re still very early stages in this journey so it’s a lot to navigate! She’s being assessed for CHC funding at the moment, as she has some complex needs, so we’ll have a better idea where we stand soon.

It's very rare for rental income to be sufficient unless there are significant other funds and it's another thing to manage.

I'd be very careful thinking about renting it out. Being a landlord comes with some very onerous responsibilities (rightly!) and you have to be prepared to maintain a fund for repairs and maintenance and to cover any void periods when there isn't a tenant, or there is a tenant and they're refusing to pay the rent.

@Randommother if I'm being very honest the reason most are sold is indeed the sheer cost of fees- but even if you get CHC etc the issue with renting out is that 'most' ( not all) older parents homes aren't always in the best nick or very up to date decor wise, and certainly at the higher end of renting ( big family houses and bungalows etc ) costing a fair old whack - expectations are often very high -we rent a fair sized older home in a lovely area at highish rent- but it's actually mint decor and order . (Architect owns it) demand for anything high rent but dated isn't often there

Why, oh why do various parts of the NHS continue to phone mumto make appointments and not confirm electronically given that it's a guarantee she won't turn up. They don't even make it to the calendar to be checked when I visit. I wonder how many of the thousands of missed appointments are patientswith alzheimer's whose family know nothing about them until the letter arrives saying they've been removed from the list for missed appointments. We've got this going with 2 different referrals at the moment.

@countrygirl99 solidarity - this gives me the rage. I think you’re right about did not attends too.

I don’t know how many different parts of the NHS I need to tell that they need to tell us - and very few have a flipping phone number that gets answered!

Most annoying is the re-arranged follow up to an appointment I took DF to in November. A special clinic, who know about capacity from their own form that I filled out.

Exactly. Why do I need to tell them every time about something critical that is in her notes because it was diagnosed at the same hospital and to need to tell it for every follow up test even if I don't know which department I need to tell. It gets mentioned at initial appointments but not passed on for follow up tests.

"Let's send an appointment letter to someone who can't see or write down what we said on the phone!"
... Did we get a message today asking for transport help at the last minute because the organised carer came back from a well earned holiday and checked through the letters? I'm sure you can all guess the answer.

There needs to be something short of POA, like an official "cc this person on all appointment notifications". Ah, what am I saying. That would still fall prey to the whims of brains fried by strokes or dementia or general disease. "No I don't want them to be told about my appointments! I can deal with them myself!"

Hi, this thread was extremely supportive to me when FIL had dementia in 2022 and when MIL was being assessed last year. MIL now has terminal lung cancer but has a lot of support in place and things are stable at the moment.

Meanwhile, my mum (mid 8Os) is doing pretty well but definitely slowing down a lot. I have a tricky dilemma. A friend in early 80s has no family and calls on my mum when she has a medical emergency. Going to her home to pack a bag to take to her in hospital, driving her home from a procedure where she needed someone with her.

This is really too much for my mum but the friend has no-one else.

I want to tell the friend she needs to set up some emergency support with a caring agency. I don't really know her well enough to do that easily. But if I don't she will definitely keep asking my mum.

I need to do this, don't I? Any thoughts? Is it practical?

@MysterOfwomanY my brothers mobile is actually the one for any texts and he has access to her NHS App for any letters but still nada. So these tests were purely on the phone with no conformation. Surely that's risky for a lot of people let alone someone in their 80s with dementia.

That's very tricky @BishyBarnyBee. Presumably your mum feels unable to refuse? Could you ask her at least to tell you when it next happens do that you can step in on her behalf?

I'm not local and I have enough worrying about my own mum and MIL without taking on more. I certainly wouldn't feel I should do a 90 minute drive to support someone else's friend.

My mum is very, very bad at setting any kind of boundary with her friends. her lifetime pattern would be to do more than she really wants to and feel resentful of it. But that's not sustainable now her health is more fragile.

I think it's not unusual for older people to be somewhat in denial about their likely future care needs. My mum definitely thinks it will all be fine - but she has a family around who will do our best to pick up the pieces.

I'm going to have a chat with my sister, who lives nearer and knows the friend better than I do. But I don't want her to feel she has to pick up more hospital appointments either!

@BishyBarnyBee could you phrase it to your mum as helping her friend if she herself isn't available - you could use the high rates of flu at the moment as an example or car breakdown? Things that are outside your mum's control so she doesn't feel like she's letting someone down.

Then express it in terms like the friend having a hospital bag ready packed that paramedics could grab in an emergency. Or making sure she has the appropriate medical care after a procedure. If she hadn't got someone there to go home with her they'd have to keep her in for observation.

I have had to have a similar conversation with my DM who would happily have volunteered me if she wasn't available!

Thanks @EmotionalBlackmail. Yes, I think mum complaining about it is probably wanting us to fix it for her, but probably by doing it for her, not by being assertive for her!

Bishy, I think PermTemp meant you stepping in to let the friend know your mum isn't up to it rather than helping out yourself.

Hello everyone, nearly clear of COVID now, just lingering tiredness.

I’m looking forward to visiting mum tomorrow in the home, but also not looking forward to it. The home have been brilliant in keeping me updated and photos etc. They say she is a dream resident, goes along with everything they say and is making friends. However, knowing mum she’ll be putting up with this under duress and that was confirmed to me yesterday when they called me so she could speak to me and her first words were “when are you coming to get me?”.

My head says she is in exactly the right place - the home manager was shocked that the LA says she’d be fine at home with carers saying mum was one of their frailer residents! However I’m having a bit of a wobble with the emotional side of things. I have my rationale together to say that the doctors wouldn’t let her go home so I’ve found her the nicest place I could and I know it’s not what she wants but it’s that or hospital. Any tips for dealing with the guilt and sadness other than gritting teeth and powering through? It must be so common.

@funnelfan, glad to hear you are feeling better and your DM is settling in well to the home.

Re the guilt and sadness, I’ve found counselling very helpful in the last year or two with regard to this. Guilt was thrown in for me as well which is partially why I went as it was taking over my thoughts far too much. Otherwise, compartmentalising and remembering that where your DM is now lets you have a mother daughter relationship again rather than being her carer has been helpful to me. I think there is an element of grieving in the process as well.

Sigh I just hate having MIL in our lives. Leting her move nearer to us was the worst decision we ever made. DH and I have already had two massive rows this year about the amount he does for her. She will just let him do everything and be a substitute husband. He can't see that she's selfish and doesn't care if she just takes up hours and hours of his time. He feels guilty all the time and I just want some boundaries. Meanwhile BIL manages a few phone calls.

Glad you are feeling better @funnelfan it will be hard at first, but she will adjust and it will feel more like home to her over time. The peace of mind you will have from knowing she is safe instead of worrying she is on the floor and lack of constant hospital admissions or A&E trips will be worth it. Try not to beat yourself up about something you have no control over, the ageing of human beings and the path of time.

@Morenicecardigans does your DH want to do this to help his Mum or is it more FOG? Have you given him the link to the out of the fog website to read? Does he recognise the impact on you and your relationship?

In news here I had thought I had carers for Dad sorted and the NHS community team had said they would cover a few weeks after discharge from hospital until they could start. They then reneged and told me the day I had the care assessment with the care agency that they couldn't cover that long. Now I have to do another care assessment with another agency who can start sooner which is another few hours again of my time on my precious day off rather than spending time on my own house, kids, family and generally having a bit of a break after a month of not having any time for myself and my family at all. So fed up and exhausted.

Mum moved from hospital to a nursing home yesterday, she called me at 6 this morning in tears as she hadn’t slept well. The room buzzers are connected to a box in the corridor near her room, and it’s loud, apparently it woke her up and then kept her awake all night - I could hear it going during our phone call. She said it was like torture. How do you address something like this with the care home? As I’m not sure there’s much they can do, but I know for sure she won’t be happy there if she can’t sleep.

That sounds awful @Randommother . Your poor mum. I'd ring the manager and ask when your mum can be moved to another room, and keep asking. Rimg the social worker too. Experience suggests that 'nothing can be done' until it bothers THEM in which case they may suddenly find that they can install that electric call bell system or whatever. Not your job to worry about how to fix it, just be your mum's voice.

@Choconuttolata DH wants to help her but not quite as much as he is doing now. The issue is she either can't or won't do a single thing for herself and it's difficult to tell which. FIL used to do everything for her until his dementia got too bad and he went into a care home so I think there is a fair degree of her just expecting someone else to look after her.

I work 4 days a week and DH is retired. My best day of the week used to be my friday off now its the day I go into the office and get to escape from old lady visits.