Cockroach Café 🪳 🪳 🪳New Year 2025

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room, the rugs and cushions all fresh and clean for the new season.
Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.
Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.
If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.
For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

My thoughts and condolences are with you both @TobiasForgesContactLense and @ArabellaFishwife 💐

Hi everyone, I've been on & off Mumsnet for years but am here to join you with a brand new name and gratitude that I have found you!
Mum is 6 years into Alzheimer's and has been in residential care for 6 weeks following 2 falls and increasing confusion. She had 20 or so hours of paid care at home a week and I did 12-15 hours on top of that but it was clear that she wasn't safe or thriving at home. She's in a wonderful home with lovely carers, we kept on her favourite carer from home to visit twice a week and I visit twice a week too. I know she's in the best place, she unfortunately doesn't agree despite having agreed to go! So visits and phone calls tend to involve her being angry at me. Apparently she's only there for my convenience!
She has always been highly manipulative and difficult (have often thought she has narcissistic traits) and we have never had a nice cosy mother-daughter relationship sadly. Of course she is delightful to everyone else...
So I am glad to have found somewhere where people will understand and not just talk about "poor mum" whilst looking at me as if I've cast her out into the street!

Welcome and sympathy @StripyMug . Another mother here who is difficult and the ‘never had a nice cosy mother daughter relationship’ is very much a quote I relate to. I think you have done brilliant getting your Mum sorted as you have. Mine won’t engage with carers, won’t ;t let them in. Won’t engage with a really good Adult Social Worker, won’t do anything to help herself. So it continues to fall on us. I am failing miserably at setting boundaries for myself as our brother thinks that is selfish and that I do not care enough. I am simply exhausted.

You have done the right thing for your Mum, ignore other peoples views. When I am Ona strong day I find this website here useful https://outofthefog.website

Hugs from everyone in the cafe.

@ArabellaFishwife @TobiasForgesContactLense

Thankyou @BlueLegume - you sound as if you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Boundaries are so hard aren't they, and the FOG and other people's judgements don't help.
This feels like a safe space to share though.

@ArabellaFishwife @TobiasForgesContactLense
I know I have only just joined but am sending best wishes and condolences 💐

@ArabellaFishwife @TobiasForgesContactLense condolences to you both.

Hello All. It's been a while, I've skimmed a couple of recent messages and I can really emphasise with those caring for mothers where the relationship was not great. It's so hard. I've been doing it- albeit at a distance (she's been in care since 2019). It's so especially hard when they didn't give you what you needed but now you're expected to step in selflessly and do it for them. Even in the midst of stage 6 dementia mind reminds me that she "did it" for me as a baby so it's my turn now. I remind her that unlike her I don't run a balance sheet and I don't have to do what I do (knowing she won't remember two minutes later) helps me feel no guilt.

I've recently realised mine breadcrumbed me with affection of attention and finally at the age of 63 the penny has dropped about why I keep getting caught up in unsatisfactory breadcrumb relationships.

Sending best wishes to all fellow cockroachers.

I came back after some quiet years of getting her into care and settled. Some of you will remember my mum's late husbands sons, The Brothers Grimm, well they are at it again, or have been for the last three or four years since their dad died and their fury about my mum getting a life interest in his half of their jointly owned property. The money was supposed to have gone into a building society but despite providing the ID documents three times the account has still not been opened. I have lodged an informal complaint with the probate solicitor because of the delay which is starting to feel deliberate on the Grimm's part.

Then I remembered. In 2019 before their father died one of the brothers texted me to ask why £50k had been transferred into my mums account from their dad's. I told them it was none of our business how they ran their finances (this was before mum was diagnosed with dementia). But I had a look at her statements and saw that the money had gone in and then immediately transferred out again to the brother who was not making the enquiry. I told them to ask their dad.

But I was so furious about the building society business this week I got to thinking. Their father was laundering money through my mums account to avoid IHT (or make sure she took the hit) and I am now so angry I'm tempted to report to HMRC as I can be pretty sure that this £50k was not declared as a gift from their dads estate and he died within three years of the gift being made. Should I just let it lie or should I let the HMRC decide if it's worthy of investigation? I'm so angry, he died in 2019, the property was sold in 2020 and still the account to protect the interest on mums share of the sale has not been sorted out. They forged my mum's signature on the V5 for her car (they said it belonged to their dad's estate). And either forged or lied to her to get her name off his joint account with mum (but left their dad on her joint account ). They would, it seems stoop at nothing to try to prevent my mum getting what was left in his wishes in his will.

I'm quite content to be told leave it, but I have anger again and these nasty men would deserve to have HMRC crawl all over them.

Wondered where you all were!
Having tea at this hour because sleep evades me. Otherwise all quiet.
@funnelfan I will catch up with your updates tomorrow but hope you’re getting some rest.

@Mxflamingnoravera I totally hear you. Our brother spent more time ‘speaking to people who know things’ trying to move money about when our parents had been told that Dad needed full time nursing home care rather than helping my sister and I find a place. He sorted a stair lift out when the consultant had categorically said Dad needed full time nursing care. He stood and drew a chart or how he intended to move money about so Mum’s precious bank balance would not be drained. But hey ho in all this he also told anyone who would listen that his parents care was his main priority…..whilst doing absolutely nothing to care for them as they needed. Different story to yours I appreciate but I share the frustration. When I suggested that if his parents care was his main priority then every penny available should be thrown at finding the best care - he shut me down. 😡

Yep@BlueLegume was talking my 84 year old aunt today, her neighbour is 93 and was wandering round their building in her dressing gown at 3:30 this afternoon, couldn't find her flat. She hadn't eaten all day (has dementia- my aunt doesn't) her son insists she's fine with a daily visit from him each day. She's clearly not as my aunt is constantly having to look after her and make sure she gets to eat, shopping, work done etc. He clearly doesn't want to use the proceed of her downsize two years ago on care and relies on the good will of my aunt who finds the woman in tears frequently because she has lost her keys, diary, handbag etc.
grr makes my blood boil.

@TobiasForgesContactLense and @ArabellaFishwife condolences to you both and wishing you strength for your continuing journeys 💐💐

@Mxflamingnoravera I wonder what is needed to prevent anything coming back on your DM/you if you have POA for her. Could things reach a future point where deprivation of assets would be investigated if your DM’s care was funded by the LA because the building society money has not materialised? I think that risk might make me want the brothers Grimm investigated.

@FiniteSagacity interesting point there. That had not occurred to me. I'm not sure where to start. Do I start with my mum's bank re the £50k they laundered (to check the date of the transfer) or do I raise it with the probate solicitors for their dad's estate who are supposed to be setting up the life interest account but thus far have managed a "data breach" and "the pandemic" as reasons for not doing so.

The laundering predates their father's death but that could possibly also be seen as Dep of Assets if the LA were to go back that far. They only moved their father into nursing care when they were sure it was fully funded under continuous nursing care (he had a brain tumour and died quite quickly after moving into care).

Mum bless her, cannot even remember these awful men (not even her late husband). She can only remember my dad, but not his name, just that I had one and she loved him.

I had all her old bank statements from more than ) years ago confidentially destroyed because I couldn't store them. But the bank should be able to trace a transaction going back 10 years should they not?

Banks only keep six years of records @Mxflamingnoravera also if they transferred it to your Mum from their father and they were married it wouldn't be a gift from him, it would be from her estate so only counts if within 7 years of her passing not his unfortunately. Transferring monies between spouses is not seen as gifting in the same way. It could have been potentially seen as deprivation of assets but that would have impacted their father's care funding not your mother presuming the gift was given from her before she lost capacity and was requiring care herself. If not then see below for financial/elder abuse

Getting her name off the car and the joint account fraudulently is an issue that is worth talking to the bank, the Police and social services about as it is financial and elder abuse.

Also if the solicitors are being slow get your own solicitor on your Mum's behalf to chase them as they have responsibilities and have to operate according to regulations. If the monies are sitting in their account earning interest then that interest should be payable to your mother in addition to the funds she is owed due to their unnecessary delay.

Struggling to maintain my patience with DM at the moment. It’s coming up for 3 months since we lost DF, and I do understand she is grieving and having to deal with an entire lifestyle change which is awful. However, she is actually capable of doing things for herself etc, but would just like me to do it all. We’ve exchanged words today because she wouldn’t phone a taxi to prebook it for herself (she is entirely mentally capable of this) and wanted me to do it. But I was in the midst of phoning DF’s pension providers, sorting her council tax, collecting her car from the MOT etc this morning in amongst running around for my two young DC’s and trying to avoid thinking about a meeting at work later today in which I am pretty sure I’m going to be told I’m at risk of redundancy. It feels like she wants me to think for her, and run her life for her.

A rant feels productive here!

How are you all?

@Earlydarkdays sending a hug. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job but i whole heartedly understand where you are coming from - sadly we start doing the odd thing here and there for our elderly parent and before you know it they have absconded all responsibility onto you. Selective competence is a brilliant phrase from the FOG website tool box. If you haven’t had a link from it before is is useful reading and can stem outbursts as it gives proper labels to behaviours. https://outofthefog.website

I can't really complain about the phone call to say her iPad couldn't get on the internet, can I?!
I can complain that we'd got the darn thing connecting fine on Friday, though.

That sounds really hard. How did you try to tackle it with her? Can you use broken record technique "I will do y and z but you need to do x"?

I think there can be a pattern of elderly or bereaved parents wanting to be parented by their adult children, with different variations including the total denial there are any issues which ends up with the adult children doing the caring by default.

I've found airing the issues on here helps me decide what is reasonable, then it's a question of finding the right language to keep making the point over and over again. Very like trying to be clear and consistent with toddlers. So messages that have worked for us (in a very different situation) are "you need to accept help now so it's in place when you really need it" and "you need to accept help now if you want to stay in your own home" with a very occasional"you need to accept help now because your children can't keep doing this for ever".

For you, it might be something like "I will help when I can but it's important you do things for yourself too" "I know you feel very sad and overwhelmed but you need to start doing things for yourself to help you get back to normal " with an occasional "I am helping you as much as I can and I can't do everything ".

Those might not be quite right but having a core message you repeat over and over can be very helpful.

@Earlydarkdays I recognise this completely with MIL she would let me and DH (DH in particular) do everything for her. She won't even change a tv channel if she can help it.

Yes my Dad does the little boy lost act really well, then I find evidence that when we or carers are not there that he is clearly doing things for himself and just playing more helpless so he gets the attention he wants. He has always struggled to see past his own nose and wishes and see the impact of his behaviour on others.

I have the opposite problem with mum. She thinks she is perfectly able to sort problems out herself without even mentioning them to anyone who could help. Then we have to sort out the resulting mess/ she gets hideously overcharged/ I find there are no working lightbulbs in the kitchen in autumn because she keeps forgetting.

New cockroach in town here… looks like I’ll be staying in this town for quite some time, so I’m glad to have your company! 😵‍💫 😅

I did actually move (with my ex and children) to a new town 13 years ago for ex’s job. After a couple of years, my mother (then 72) moved herself and my father to live here too. My GP asked me if the move was ‘for her’ or ‘for us’. At the time I was flabbergasted by the GP’s suggestion. I’m not now 😱

Eight years ago I split from the controlling and abusive ex and was searching for a new house to buy. My mother tried desperately to persuade me to buy a house for sale, just a few doors down from theirs (despite it being unaffordable for me and not remotely what I wanted).

She offered to put money in to it to help me afford it. She then took me aside in her kitchen and said; “Because one day I’ll be bed-ridden”.

My blood ran cold and it was the decisive factor for me: I bought a house in a village, a 15-minute drive away, despite her finding copious faults with it.

Fast-forward 13 years and my mother (now 85) has told me that when my current job ends later this year due to the organisation folding, I can claim carers’ allowance for her and my father - and presumably become their carers (and she can dismiss the daily ten my sister and I have put in place for them both).

As mentioned, I’m a single parent of two. I have a son with additional needs who has refused school for nearly two years, so I work part-time and home school for the rest of the day.

I had a breast cancer diagnosis two years ago and underwent chemotherapy, radiotherapy and surgery. Just about moving on from that trauma.

Christmas was a nightmare crisis of elder care (got urgent care team in; then private carers). Got mother on antidepressants; poor father has dementia, stoma bag and permanent catheter. She won’t ‘allow’ him to go to dementia respite centre, despite her moaning about being stuck with him all day.

It is miserable and I am feeling drained and resentful that I’m stressed and snappy with my teens.

Thank you for listening, fellow cockroaches 🪳🙏

Welcome @Digdeep73 it particularly resonates with me that you struggle with being stressed and snappy with your teens - I completely understand. Please make yourself comfortable here.

Welcome @Digdeep73 <hands round food crumbs and sweet drinks to all 🪳>