DH doesn’t want to care for his elderly relatives

[NotSayingImBatman]

Just that really. DH’s dad and auntie live 1.5 hours from us. His sister used to live around the corner from both of them but buggered off to Australia when she no longer needed the free childcare they provided for her.

Both relatives are getting on in years now and both have had falls/health issues/periods of confusion. When this happens, neighbours call DH constantly telling him they’re unwell and asking him to go and check on them. DH and I both have stressful, full time jobs and a disabled child of our own to take care of, so can’t just take 5+ hours out of our day to go and check on them. He calls them regularly, arranges shopping deliveries etc, so he’s not doing nothing at all, but he gets so angry and resentful whenever he gets one of these phone calls.

What do I do? I feel guilty leaving them to their own devices, and if they lived closer we’d both be more than happy to help them out more. Do I just quietly support DH’s decision to let them get on with it? Do I drive over there myself and take on their care on my own? I do love my in laws, but Christ this is difficult.

What do his Dad and Auntie think?

I'm assuming they both still have some level of capacity, so the starting point should really be a conversation with them about their plans as they age and need more support. I do also appreciate that they may be in denial about reality - but an open discussion about what support your DH can provide could be helpful and maybe prompt them to make changes or plans for the future.

You support your husband and prioritise your disabled child. Your DHs dad and aunt will have to find local sources of help be that bought in or what the LA will provide. Anything else will lead to burn out.

GP first port of call to have them both assessed (I know this isn't easy with elderly people in denial), then a social worker can look at arranging any care needed. They will probably qualify for a couple of welfare checks per day. Or assisted living, if they are prepared to move closer to you. There are a lot of 'ifs' - old people generally want to stay where they are, but you live much too far away to do daily calls.

His relatives, his call.

I would let him decide. I wouldn’t do it either.

“both have had falls/health issues/periods of confusion. When this happens, neighbours call DH constantly telling him they’re unwell and asking him to go and check on them.”

Falls = ambulance really.

Unwell = GP or social services.

Your DH can make these phone calls from where he is, the ambulance operators will forward the message on. Do they have keysafes? If you get these fitted you can register the number with the ambulances and the crew will be able to let themselves in.

I'd talk about everyone having a proper planning session. DH, you, both of them, sister by Zoom. Planning for the future, housing, SS involvement, care, fall prevention and so on. Setting out expectations.

And don't blame the sister, that's just churlish. It's not like your DH wants to do the care either.

They need care assessments, call alarm system to nominated responders, falls assessments, who is calling the neighbours?

Agree with what has been said - You need to get some form of local support in place . If they can self fund maybe a vist daily from someone who can help with small tasks, sort meds, even just to have a chat and a cuppa whilst checking they are ok ! maybe a cleaner to do the heavy stuff. Otherwise/ and at the same time they need to be assessed . If you can make appointments and then be there to get the wheels in motion then it will help in the long run . Also have you POA in place ?as this maybe something that needs to be discussed. It is worth the hassle to do this now rather than wait until it gets worse !

Its ok for him to br unavailable. He is not responsible for this kind of work.

There are supported living services that his relatives can pay for if they have money or which willbe funded like other kinds of care services if they don't have the funds, which provide this kind of checking-in. You can also alert social services to tell them these are vulnerable elderly people without family support who should be on their radar in case of issues becoming too much for them.

Your DH needs to talk to his Dad and Aunt and arrange a meeting to discuss the future. Do they want to stay in their homes? Will they move nearer him? Do they need carers to visit? Do they think a panic button would help?

Yes he can choose not to bother but, well, that’s just not very nice is it?

The fact the neighbours keep calling him is an issue that should be addressed with them.
The aunt and uncle are not begging for your son to be their full time carer. It's down to them while they have capacity to either fund their own care, or if there's no cash then SS will step in.
Your husband doesn't have to do any more than he's already doing. If necessary block the neighbours. His own family can speak to him when they need to.
I wouldn't want to be a carer to my elderly aunt or uncle by default. I've got my own Mum and family to think about.

I'm confused as to why he wouldn't be concerned about his Dad. Or Aunty. If he doesn't want to physically care for them, he needs to sort out people who will. Decline is inevitable and if proper care isn't in place, it'll be crisis after crisis he'll be dealing with. Head in the sand approach doesn't help anyone.

Everything has already been said. The only thing I would add is once you start doing something (driving up for every call) you need to keep doing it, so don’t start anything you can’t/dont want to sustain. There are no one-offs in this game.

He doesn't have to. Why do you think he does?

I think I'd just be honest with them that you aren't able to support them to this degree with them living so far away. Would they be open to moving nearer to you to make it easier for you to help them in emergencies?

If nothing else it's a burden on the neighbours. My mother had an elderly neighbour who had crisis after crisis and mum was always being called in and trying to contact family.
Years later it was mum who was the one having these crises. We had a whole lot of safety equipment installed and emergency alarms but my sister and I still had many 3am trips out there until she died.

As others have said, a frank discussion is required. If they are to stay in their homes then there needs to be a person to contact if they fall or have other crisis and if your DH is adamant he won't be involved then the dad and aunt and neighbours need to know that.

It's shit when your parents reach this stage. It can go on for years so ignoring won't help.

Can't say I blame him .

This. Dont get involved op, or everyone will just let you take on more and more. You have enough on your plate. It’s not your DH’s responsibility either btw. If they need regular help they need to get help and support in.

DH's parents (now just his mum after his dad died last year) live 2 hours from us and we have three DC and busy jobs. They were in pretty good health until about 3 years ago when things went downhill rapidly. The game changer for us was when they moved into retirement accommodation 2 years ago. I know these places are sometimes criticised for the high service charge, but they are worth every penny IMO for the reduction in stress for DH (and me). Having support, care, convenience and social interaction so easily accessible is priceless. Maybe DH could investigate the options.

Absolutely don't take it on yourself. That is the worst possible option.

As other people have said, you need something more practical. What happens if they need someone/thing more urgently and you're 1.5 hours away?

They need some kind of carer or to move to somewhere assisted and you need to change your number so their neighbours can't call you. The carer can call you if needed.

I think it depends.....why are the neighbours calling you? What do the Dad and aunt want/expect? Do they understand that there are limits on what you are able to do? Open and honest convo with his Dad and Aunt are the start point. I have been there both as a relitive and a health professional involved in elderly care.

This is always difficult and logistically it cannot always be you that is providing support. For relatives I have taken care of, you can make use of support- there are various providers that will provide an SOS broach/necklace which can be operated as required. You could also check on them via Teams or WhatsApp if they can do this? As my relatives aged, I had cameras within the house so I could actively see how they were- but not everyone will want this. Then I think you need to have an active discussion around what care they need and how this is provided. Ideally this can be from home, but someone going in for a few hours a day should be useful.

Agreed. Your anger at the sisters is a bit silly really. So what she moved to Australia.. she's free to do as she wishes. People shouldn't have kids to then try and control their future by doing all the care.

If you step in you'll be doing it forever OP.

They need to get some help in.