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Elderly parents

DH doesn’t want to care for his elderly relatives

140 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 30/12/2024 13:21

Just that really. DH’s dad and auntie live 1.5 hours from us. His sister used to live around the corner from both of them but buggered off to Australia when she no longer needed the free childcare they provided for her.

Both relatives are getting on in years now and both have had falls/health issues/periods of confusion. When this happens, neighbours call DH constantly telling him they’re unwell and asking him to go and check on them. DH and I both have stressful, full time jobs and a disabled child of our own to take care of, so can’t just take 5+ hours out of our day to go and check on them. He calls them regularly, arranges shopping deliveries etc, so he’s not doing nothing at all, but he gets so angry and resentful whenever he gets one of these phone calls.

What do I do? I feel guilty leaving them to their own devices, and if they lived closer we’d both be more than happy to help them out more. Do I just quietly support DH’s decision to let them get on with it? Do I drive over there myself and take on their care on my own? I do love my in laws, but Christ this is difficult.

OP posts:
TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 31/12/2024 15:52

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 08:25

That is how it SHOULD be everywhere but as many know, it is not. I think that the other thing is that obvs your reli agreed to it and many do not. I am glad it has worked out for you and yes there are things that the OP can do or attempt to do but its not always as easy as your experience.

My reli didn't have much of a choice. I said if we don't have carers coming in, the next time they fall, they are likely be going into a care home because there's no one around to pick them up. We live too far away to be able to 'just pop in'. I think this scared them. They'd rather be at home living independently then stuck in a care home.

The idea of not being able to drink to their hearts content gave them something to think about.

I hope everyone has the same sort of service I've received from social services / local authorities. I know services and resources are already stretched.

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 16:36

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 31/12/2024 15:52

My reli didn't have much of a choice. I said if we don't have carers coming in, the next time they fall, they are likely be going into a care home because there's no one around to pick them up. We live too far away to be able to 'just pop in'. I think this scared them. They'd rather be at home living independently then stuck in a care home.

The idea of not being able to drink to their hearts content gave them something to think about.

I hope everyone has the same sort of service I've received from social services / local authorities. I know services and resources are already stretched.

I have seen people told that and also refuse the care home.

JenniferBooth · 31/12/2024 17:44

Been reading out to DH some of the posts on this thread and he pointed out that in the 50s and 60s there were still families all living under one roof Ditto the 70s too. Then in the 80s people were told to get on their bikes and look for work You only have to see the posts from the usual suspects on this very site telling people that its tough shit if you cant afford to live in or near your home town you will have to move. Then comes the whining when consequences like these come to fruition

JenniferBooth · 31/12/2024 18:06

Then there are the logistics. If (God forbid) my DM had a fall tonight whats the likelihood of me being able to get a taxi to her on New Years Eve with no notice.
Small market town. Not London

Itsmitneymitch · 31/12/2024 23:30

FloralCrown · 30/12/2024 18:51

@godmum56 whilst I agree with putting in boundaries as a neighbour or a child of an elderly person, it's very difficult when you know that by not popping in on a neighbour, they could be lying in the hall in their own faeces, slowly dying because they fell and broke their hip, as was the case with my neighbour.

There were also times when he would wait for me to return home from work and ask simple things like to help him find his glasses, as he couldn't see well enough to find them, but also needed to have them to safely walk around his home (frail as he was).

I would have been heartless to say no and potentially endanger him, but his family at the end of the phone would say no.

Had they set him up with a daily carer &/or other support, which he could well afford, I as a neighbour could have held my boundaries, without endangering him.

But more importantly, he would have had the support he needed.

In short, buying in cleaners, food services and carers (where possible), or moving the elderly person to assisted living enables both children and neighbours to put boundaries in place whilst not risking lives.

Maybe your neighbour was refusing to have a carer?

I've said to my elderly mother so many times that it would be good for her to have a carer.

She refuses to have one.

JenniferBooth · 01/01/2025 15:50

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 31/12/2024 07:53

I did this recently for a relative who lives an hour away following a couple of falls.

Contacted social services online and requested an assessment.
They came out in person ( due to elderly relatives previously refusing help over the phone ( phone call with social services). I made sure I was present at the appointment to discuss the finer details.

Equipment was discussed and provided. Grab rails, trolley etc...

Carers now come in twice a day although I'm not sure there's a lot of caring involved, more like a 1 minute welfare check.

A fall pendant was discussed and installed. We decided not to be first responders as we live too far away. So if another fall occurred, they would send someone round from their organisation.

Perhaps your DH should do something like what I've done.

DM has refused adaptations to her home, Ive been trying to persuade her to get a stairlift for years.

Hesonlyakidharry · 01/01/2025 15:55

Lost all sympathy for you when you acted as though his sister has done something wrong by moving away. What, was she meant to be a martyr and stay around to care for them so your husband didn’t have to do anything?
For that comment alone, you guys can sort it out.

JenniferBooth · 01/01/2025 16:55

difficultpeople · 30/12/2024 23:28

Sorry, quote fail. In response to "honour your parents and live in god's earth":

Lots of people aren't religious, for one thing.

Lots more see comments like that as convenient for the state to use to try to guilt trip people into being unpaid carers.

But people have more hours to work now than they used to. There's no SAHP unless you're rich. There's only a fixed amount of hours in the day, people can't use them twice and to try just leads to the carer becoming chronically ill too. Which helps nobody and solves nothing, only adding to the problem.

I'd say those are the main factors these days.

Also nobody lives nearby any more. A lot easier to do ad-hoc caring when you only live next door or a few streets away.

And people didn't linger like they do now. They were healthy and mostly capable until they got ill and died. Not lived seemingly forever in an increasingly frail body that was never designed to go on this long, being constantly patched up by modern medicine but never actually healthy, thriving or having quality of life.

People looked after their parents in the days when their own DC actually left home in adulthood (late teens/early 20's) so there was space.

With no state care the parents were, I expect, more grateful for family care and didn't bitch and moan and dig their heels in about having to leave their home and about how their DD/DIL (because let's face it, it would have 99% been women doing the caring) did things differently. Or if the parents did complain, the women carers sucked it up, having been trained from birth to expect to skivvy after others until they died or became infirm themselves. No expectations of anything different, of equality, of a life of their own at all. Family carers now won't tolerate being treated like servants by their infirm relatives.

Parents didn't used to worry that their little ones would get run over because there were far fewer cars or that their teens would get sucked into county lines gangs because they didn't exist.

When nobody moved too far away everyone knew everyone else, that's where "the village" to raise DC came from. And even troublesome people didn't "shit on their on doorstep" if they had any sense. Now people mostly don't know their neighbours and there's no sense of community.

It added up to DC being able to be outside the home more safely, entertaining each other and not getting under mum's feet whilst she cared for elderly relatives. Not stuck in front of a screen or needing attention every 5min, until they're about 30.

It's a different life now and expectations about care have had to change. It works both ways. Few grandparents are raising DGC whilst the children's parents work, even if it's a single parent household and where they are helping, the children's parents aren't necessarily grateful for the help but want to treat the DGP like staff. Don't forget the DGP are often still working when DGC come along too.

There's more awareness of the harm caused to DC by emotional abuse etc, and to the elderly by improper care practices that amount to some form of neglect, and to the carer in the form of bad backs and emotional burnout etc. People are taught from birth to (hopefully!) value themselves and their well-being and they're taught to expect good health and to expect to be able to enjoy life. Not to run themselves ragged with no end in sight. Even some branches of the state encourages us to put ourselves first and remain our healthiest, so as not to become a burden on it, whilst simultaneously telling us to work all hours. It's difficult enough to achieve both of those, especially whilst DC are young without adding caring for a disabled (or just plain ancient) person on top.

Times have changed, it's as simple as that.

Edited

And people recognise when they are being guilt tripped a lot more now because we we all put through it en masse during Covid

BruFord · 01/01/2025 17:49

Haven’t read the full thread, but I agree with those recommending a care assessment. That can be arranged by the Social Services Elder Care team in their area. They can also recommend services available in that area.

Personally, I think that your DH should get his sister involved as well. I live abroad and have still been able to arrange various services for my elderly Dad- technology makes it possible. She can participate in meetings via FaceTime, for example. I’ve arranged meal deliveries, a cleaning/housekeeping service, spoken regularly with the Elder Care team, etc. Everyone’s got my contact info. and can easily email or WhatsApp me.

Your DH should contact her and say that THEY need to come up with a plan as neither of them live locally.

BruFord · 01/01/2025 17:51

Also, if your DH doesn’t have Power of Attorney for his relatives, he should speak to them about it now and get that sorted out. It will make things much easier if his Dad is incapacitated at any point.

JenniferBooth · 02/01/2025 14:49

Family carers now won't tolerate being treated like servants by their infirm relatives

Or being emotionally abused. She thinks she can do the same to me that she did to my dad.

NotSayingImBatman · 02/01/2025 17:57

Hesonlyakidharry · 01/01/2025 15:55

Lost all sympathy for you when you acted as though his sister has done something wrong by moving away. What, was she meant to be a martyr and stay around to care for them so your husband didn’t have to do anything?
For that comment alone, you guys can sort it out.

SIL, is that you??? 🤣

Apologies, I must have turned off notifications for the post. Some options here but it’s difficult when both relatives want to bury their heads in the sand when everything is fine, but then expect DH or I to drop everything and rush over there when things aren’t great.

I get we shouldn’t feel resentful about SIL, but when she’s had all the free childcare, huge cash sums for wedding, house deposit and moving fees, and we’ve been ignored until they need a free carer, I think I can have a moment in the anonymity of an internet forum to feel irritated by that.

Auntie has fallen again today. She’s only in her early 70s so not a frail 90+. Unfortunately, she has two extremely high needs/high energy dogs and is refusing to go into hospital for checks unless DH takes her dogs and brings them to our house.

We have two cats.

Her dogs attack our cats.

DH is going to pick them up anyway.

It’s also DS’s birthday tomorrow. We had a lovely day out planned with lunch and shopping for him to spend his birthday and Christmas money. But now it looks as though we’ll be spending it stuck in the house keeping her dogs away from our cats because she’s buried her head in the sand and refused to get a contingency plan in place for her pets. We’re down to one car as my car is currently off the road waiting for repairs so while he does all this running around, I’m stuck in the house. Not to mention the fuel costs of running back and forth over and over again.

Thank God my DM is only 16 years older than me. With any luck, she’ll outlive me but even if she doesn’t, I’ll be too old and knackered to help her by the time she’s old and frail herself.

OP posts:
difficultpeople · 02/01/2025 18:19

Her dogs will have to go into kennels OP. If she doesn't get tested she won't be here to look after the dogs. Next time she says about no tests unless he takes dogs, ask her what charity she wants to have them for rehoming then, when she's dead of whatever it is that didn't get treated.

It's not the sister you need to be angry at its the parents, they're the ones trying to use you. All sister has done is live her life and not allow herself to be purchased by earlier gifts.

BruFord · 02/01/2025 18:34

his auntie sounds like a pain. You’ve agreed this time, but I think that your DH should tell her that he’s not taking them again and she needs to come up with a contingency plan. No ifs or buts, if it happens again, she can deal with the consequences of not getting checked out at the hospital if she wishes.

I had to be insistent with my Dad on certain things, it’s difficult, but we have no choice sometimes.

NotSayingImBatman · 03/01/2025 01:04

Just an infuriating update. It’s now (technically) DS’s birthday. DH decided to take him fishing with the intention of calling and getting the dogs and taking his aunt to hospital when they were done. No problem. We can figure out the dog situation when they get back around dinner time.

My son is currently still sitting in a hospital waiting room and I am beyond furious with DH and his aunt. He’s a kid, it’s his birthday, he has no business spending hours sitting in hospital when he should be in bed and fast asleep.

OP posts:
difficultpeople · 03/01/2025 03:02

Yeh I'd stamp on that ASAP OP, DH needs to remember he's got his own family and you and DS are his priority. He's sacrificed his son and the birthday for his aunt's happiness. Why wasn't aunt just dropped off at hospital?

EmotionalBlackmail · 03/01/2025 08:24

Why on earth didn't he just drop her off at the hospital?!

I8toys · 03/01/2025 10:28

This is batshit. How does you auntie walk the dogs if she's having falls? I'd seriously consider getting them rehomed for their own welfare. They would not be entering my house with my cats. That's a line I won't cross. And now your son is having to put up with it. You need to say that is it now. Its come to a crisis point and something needs to be done.

Mrsbloggz · 03/01/2025 11:51

I would refuse to help her at all until she gets rid of the dogs.
The reason she wants the dogs is they allow her extra leverage /provide her with excuses.
Give her two choices she gets rid of the dogs or she copes on her own.

SockFluffInTheBath · 03/01/2025 12:16

Adults are allowed to make terrible choices.

Absolutely, and we are allowed to choose to not catch the fall out. It’s hard the first time, but the message does get through.

BruFord · 03/01/2025 14:31

Oh goodness, what an update, OP, your poor son.

Thursdaygirl · 03/01/2025 14:54

difficultpeople · 03/01/2025 03:02

Yeh I'd stamp on that ASAP OP, DH needs to remember he's got his own family and you and DS are his priority. He's sacrificed his son and the birthday for his aunt's happiness. Why wasn't aunt just dropped off at hospital?

This!! And you should NOT be having the dogs, particularly not if they attack your cats

SpringIscomingalso · 03/01/2025 14:57

This is because you are lovely; I would not move a single finger for my mil; she knows why; my old folk arranged their whole lives tied to my brother's family life decades ago. So luckily, no bother there also

gingerlybread · 03/01/2025 17:53

This pisses me off so much. Most elderly people need domestic help of some kind. Refusing it and continually needing emergency assistance at 3am is impossible and the neighbours shouldn't be encouraged to do this any more.
I wish elderly people would just start to see it as totally normal to have some help. They would have been very unhappy with 3am calls when they were young !!
If your DH is able to give up his career and get comparable employment from his relatives then crack on with that. Otherwise they will need to get paid help. Because care is actually a paid occupation.

BruFord · 03/01/2025 18:29

I agree @gingerlybread. My Dad has meal deliveries and a cleaner/light housekeeper. He fussed at first, but I arranged the meal deliveries (local organization, they’re v. good meals) and after trying them, he decided that he liked them after all. Same with the cleaner/housekeeper, he particularly hates doing washing so once he realized that he could put everything in the hamper and she’d deal with it, he suddenly liked that as well! 😂

I think that your DH needs to get in touch with the Elder Care team at the local (to his relatives) Social Services and get the ball rolling. Age UK are also good with advice on what’s available in that area. Both organizations can also help with getting a fall alarm sorted out.

It’s a bit of a pain getting things organized, but once some help is in place, life will get easier.

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