DH doesn’t want to care for his elderly relatives

[NotSayingImBatman]

Just that really. DH’s dad and auntie live 1.5 hours from us. His sister used to live around the corner from both of them but buggered off to Australia when she no longer needed the free childcare they provided for her.

Both relatives are getting on in years now and both have had falls/health issues/periods of confusion. When this happens, neighbours call DH constantly telling him they’re unwell and asking him to go and check on them. DH and I both have stressful, full time jobs and a disabled child of our own to take care of, so can’t just take 5+ hours out of our day to go and check on them. He calls them regularly, arranges shopping deliveries etc, so he’s not doing nothing at all, but he gets so angry and resentful whenever he gets one of these phone calls.

What do I do? I feel guilty leaving them to their own devices, and if they lived closer we’d both be more than happy to help them out more. Do I just quietly support DH’s decision to let them get on with it? Do I drive over there myself and take on their care on my own? I do love my in laws, but Christ this is difficult.

It's not his responsibility. His parents should have put a plan in place for themselves or outlined their wishes. I would absolutely hate to become solely reliable on my children. The issue is a lot of elderly just don't plan ahead. Stay in houses in the middle of nowhere, or nowhere near family and refuse to move. And then everyone else has to pick up the pieces.

OPs DH isn't the one with his head in the sand, his parents are by not planning or preparing for elderly life.

I don’t think regular 5 hour trips are realistic or fair on either of you, but I wouldn’t abandon them either.

I think you should help them put some kind of system in to help them be more secure. Maybe an alarm system or paid carers regularly popping in to check (if affordable).

I also think the neighbours, if young and fit, could have a key and check on them (obviously with their permission). Surely it is easier to check themselves rather than call you to check.

Obviously you have your own busy lives to lead, but the MN idea that parents are just like anyone else and you owe them nothing doesn’t sit right with me, and certainly wasn’t the way I treated my parents in their old age.

Contact adult social services who will be able to install rails etc, toilet frames etc for them.

Then you need a discussion about carers. Even one a day will help (they pay. , not you).

People who are commenting that the OP is putting her head in the sand or not stepping up to the plate is disturbing. They have NO idea what it is like having calls at 0300. Mum has fallen again, or panic phone calls from parent about very little. Of course important to them (like Sky TV isn’t working and they don’t go out much) but when you live 2 hours plus and you just know they have pressed some button on the remote control it’s frustrating and quite frankly overwhelming for the sibling who is still in the UK.

After a while you find half the county has your number for all sorts of conversations, GP surgery, social services, Age UK who I engaged with but Mum wasn’t really interested. She said she was lonely but any suggestions I made were dismissed.

Mum wasn’t happy in her final years. She is at peace now. I visit her grave every few weeks and leave roses - she loved roses.

Do they think they're living independently with some kind neighbours nearby or do they have any kind of realisation how much they're calling on them? I've seen people kid themselves they don't need "help" as neighbours were filling the gaps.

Try and have a chat about getting a cleaner or similar in who can keep an eye out. If you get a chance to talk to the neighbours explain and suggest calling an ambulance the next time there is a fall. A key safe is useful for paramedics who need to enter in an emergency.

my view as a daughter and as a professional is not that you owe them nothing but you have to be kindly clear about what is possible and what is not and help them to fill in the gaps between what they want/need and what you can give.
As an aside, it seems to me that a full 50% of problems on here today could be solved/helped by TALKING to the person concerned.

You need to give us more info.
Do they have the capacity to make their own decisions?
If they don't, does your husband have LPA?
Do they admit they need help, would they accept professional carers going in?
If so, do they have the money to fund this?
If they don't have the money would they accept an assessment from Social Services?

Re the neighbours calling your husband, that's inevitable. I lived 3 hours away from my mother and I got an increasing number of those calls (I dreaded them). I was not prepared to drive back and forth or do hands-on care but I had LPA (and she had funds) so I arranged professional carers.

In a similar situation we bought a personal alarm like this for falls https://www.ageuk.org.uk/products/mobility-and-independence-at-home/personal-alarms/ with the house key left in in a key safe

We also used home care services privately for a few months. They visited once a day and helped with some personal care, light house cleaning and errands. We found a local company here:

https://www.homecareassociation.org.uk/find-care/homecare-directory.html?q=hp22+6aj

Otherwise I'd start the process of a care assessment with social services.

You could start with private help (if your DH's dad and auntie can pay for it and are willing) and be ready to go to the council later on when/if their needs change.

To the PP who says just talk to them… 99/100 they will be in denial. That is why the Elderly Parents board is so well used.

It really really isn’t just a case of having a nice chat with them and all the problems are resolved. Watch for the fibs they will tell too. I have been through this twice and my wider family are going through this with elderly relatives most of which just want to stay living where they are (understand this btw) but have no bloody plan as to how they can achieve this and use all sorts of tactics to ensure they get what they want.

I also think the neighbours, if young and fit, could have a key and check on them (obviously with their permission).
Presumably the neighbours have their own lives and responsibilities, this is not their job.

I think it is for DH to do or not do, and I don't judge him for either. Do not jump into that gap. I do a few things for MIL, but when I do I always try to imagine dh doing the same for my dm and I don't think that would happen unless I asked. So I keep out of it.

Why is he not sorting proper care for them? If he lived closer I would expect him to help more but as he doesn’t, surely he can help them get help to improve their lives. Unless they haven’t treated him kindly, this should be done.

We are never owed help from family but I could never leave anyone to suffer.

They need someone closer for the minor emergencies and day to day care. DH can offer to help them access the care they need.

Do they need regular care, or is it an occassional fall? If they need someone to help look after them, I would look into applying for Attendance Allowance for them. Financially, can they pay for support to help with practical things, like a cleaner/handyman? Age UK offer telephone and face-to-face befriending services, so someone could call once a week, just to have a chat/listen to your DH's relatives.

If they need actual care on a regular basis, then I would look into getting a private or community nurse to offer whatever level of medical care they need. I feel for your DH. My mother's health had been on a steady decline for a few years, then rapidly declined just as my DS became critically ill and needed 24/7 care. I couldn't care for both and picked DS. I arranged online shopping deliveries and went to my mother's every couple of weeks to clean, but it was exhausting and I was resentful, which I felt guilty for at the time and still feel bad about now. It won't do any good for your DH's mental health to continue with the way things are, so I would urge him to seek outside support for his relatives.

I feel for you Op. We've been through this with my Mum (95y) this year. We tried assisted living first, which was fine for a few months. Then we tried additional help coming in, which worked for a few more. Although my Sis and Niece live nearby, they have their own illnesses and children to worry about (although they visit several times a week). I live over 100 miles away (always have), but visit as often as I can too. She's now in a lovely care home, living in 5 star (ish) luxury and is very happy. We had to sell her flat to pay for it, but I'd much rather she spent it on a comfy last few months/years, than leave it to us.

We got good advice from the local council and Age UK about the options.

Why are the neighbours calling your DH instead of local help services?

You need to support your DH in his decision, which I think is the right one. If you take on the care of these people you will live to regret it as you reach burnout caring for their constant and increasing crises alongside your own family. It might well be that your DH has already recognised that.

Discussions need to be had with them about what is currently happening, what they actually need and how it can be provided. By that I mean a care assessment by social services if needed and a care package put in place that doesn't regularly involve you or DH. This could be something like carers going into their home two or three times a day to do things like make meals, get them showered etc.

This is what my mother has, and the reason she can continue to live in her own home (a bungalow, so no stairs to worry about). My sister and I still do visit regularly but are not routinely involved in day-to-day care as neither of us live nearby. Her carers do that. She also has a Care 365 pendant alarm, which is a call button she can wear round her neck so that she can summon help if she does get into difficulty or have a fall. This gives all of us peace of mind that she would be quickly found and helped if something did happen.

You need something like that set up. Don't take it on yourself because that way lies insanity. Steer your DH into arranging it.

Your DH isn't wrong to not want to provide the care himself, but he is wrong if he is burying his head in the sand rather than ensuring that the right arrangements are in place.

I really don't see why you are so incensed by the sister who has gone to Australia. She is fully entitled to do that if she wishes and it doesn't mean that she is totally unconcerned about her elderly relatives.

All of this but its the place to start. And no its not a nice chat. Its about bringing the facts and repeating them. Its about tears and anger. Its about saying the same thing to neighbours and to the GP and social services. I have done it with my own mother and facilitated it with many many families. Also I never said "just talk"

That's alright.
If he doesn't expect or need others to do the same for him later, then it's his life to live without owing care to relatives.

Your DH needs to help his Dad & Aunt get more care in place; whether that's local carers who visit them at home regularly or moving to assisted living.

I've been that neighbour, ringing the family and trying to get social workers and carers in for an elderly person that I was not related to nor had any legal or financial ties to.

It was bloody hard work and there was a limit to what I could achieve, not just because I was working FT with two young DC, but also because without using my money (which I did at times) I had no authority or sway to get care put in place.

However, I was expected to help out at all times of the day or night for months, just because I was the closest person geographically who gave a shit.

If your DH loves his Dad then he needs to be proactive before the situation gets worse.

To others reading this, be very careful about being "that neighbour" If anything goes missing, or even if it doesn't but the person says it has, you could end up with REAL problems. Its been said before about social services but while someone will pick up the slack, that person won't travel up the "needs" list. I am not saying never be neighbourly but as is said so often on here, Boundaries!

@Topseyt123 "Why are the neighbours calling your DH instead of local help services?"

do you mean for falls and medical things? I'm not aware of many places in England that have local help.

@NotSayingImBatman more info needed. But in terms of resentment- not sure what you mean. I'm mum's carer sometimes/most times - there's an agency involved now.

am I resentful? hell yeah. I don't talk about it IRL but I do talk on here. If he ends up sorting it, however he does it, unless they go into a full service home, chances are he will be resentful.

Its his choice if he wants to dedicate time to his family and their care. He should not be guilted into it. However if this is becoming a problem - as it is - a discussion about how to move forward for everyone's benefit needs to be put into place. Buying in care, cleaners etc. Are you able to have this discussion with them? Do they have capacity? Maybe its worth spending time with them to see how they function - but many mask very well at home.

Caring for 4 other elderly family members over the last 7yrs and working fulltime has been beyond tough!

All you can do is your best for them (if they will cooperate!) Get the LPAs in order, arrange a carer evaluation, cleaner, account with a taxi firm before a crisis forces the issue. Have the difficult talk with them about assisted living/local care home options. Realistically you live too far away to provide daily care. Now that my last relative is well looked after in a care home I put my phone on silent overnight and can have a drink in the evening after being "on call" for one or other of them for years.
I do miss how they were before age/infirmity struck and have plans in place now for how I will finance my own care when older.

You follow your husband's lead, OP. Neither he nor you are under any obligation. Tell him to change his phone number too!