DH doesn’t want to care for his elderly relatives

[NotSayingImBatman]

Just that really. DH’s dad and auntie live 1.5 hours from us. His sister used to live around the corner from both of them but buggered off to Australia when she no longer needed the free childcare they provided for her.

Both relatives are getting on in years now and both have had falls/health issues/periods of confusion. When this happens, neighbours call DH constantly telling him they’re unwell and asking him to go and check on them. DH and I both have stressful, full time jobs and a disabled child of our own to take care of, so can’t just take 5+ hours out of our day to go and check on them. He calls them regularly, arranges shopping deliveries etc, so he’s not doing nothing at all, but he gets so angry and resentful whenever he gets one of these phone calls.

What do I do? I feel guilty leaving them to their own devices, and if they lived closer we’d both be more than happy to help them out more. Do I just quietly support DH’s decision to let them get on with it? Do I drive over there myself and take on their care on my own? I do love my in laws, but Christ this is difficult.

@BruFord these are all brilliant suggestions. We are happy to send DC to nursery but somehow too guilty to employ cleaners for our parents ....

Your starting point is to talk to them in person about what they feel they need. Are they living together? If there are periods of confusion does this mean dementia is a possibility?
Could they look into sheltered housing so at least they would have access to readily available support?
Your DH could ask SS to make an assessment of their needs.
It’s not practical for you and DH to run out there every time they fall or get ill. Obviously if the falls are happening regularly that would tell me a more formal assessment of their needs is required.
What your DH could do is go with them to the GP to talk through all the issues and get their advice and possibly a referral for social care.
If they fall obviously an ambulance should be called in the first instance. I’m sure you can get personal alarms that call an alarm company in the event of a fall but I’m not sure if this needs a referral from SS. Make sure they both have phones, even just cheap ones, and know how to use them to call emergency services.
If your OH is arranging shopping deliveries that’s great.
Maybe a cleaner as well?
PP was right about power of attorney, especially if confusion and possible dementia is a consideration. Your DH might not feel he wants this level of responsibility which is fair enough especially living a distance away. If it comes to it, SS can seek guardianship or similar instead I think. Again why a referral to SS would be advisable.

What rubbish. There is so ‘responsibility’ to parents/elderly relatives. That sounds harsh I know, but people choose to have children. The children don’t choose to be born. Parents provide for those children because they have responsibilities towards the children they CHOSE to have. It doesn’t therefore follow that children ‘owe’ their parents anything. Many, even most, want to because they love their parents but even then it’s not that simple. Distance, the need to work to support their own children, their own mental and physical health, the relationship with the parents, these are all variables that affect a persons capacity to provide care for elderly relatives. Thinking that all adults can just drop everything and care for elderly relatives is an incredibly old fashioned and middle class notion. The population is ageing, putting pressure on the children of elderly people, who possibly had their own children later in life as well. Many people in their 40’s-50’s have some caring role for a parent as well as looking after children or teens and holding down a full time job. Most women are working. The cost of living and rising retirement age means people can’t afford to just give up work to provide care. Our communities are changing, children are less likely to live near their parents.
You speak of ‘relying on the state’ like it’s something to be ashamed of. Sure, maybe for people who don’t work and have never worked and have no good reason not to work.
But these two adults have probably contributed to the economy for most of their adult life and deserve to be cared for when they need it. The government can’t expect to make it impossible for people to take on a caring role- by creating a cost of living crisis, cutting public services, raising retirement age, failing to provide support for carers- but yet not be prepared to plug the inevitable gaps when people just can’t do it.

@Emmz1510 POA can certainly be set up so it's not activated until they become truly incapacitated, that's how my Dad's is set up anyway. I don't have to make any decisions financial or health-wise at present, it'll only happen if he slips into a coma, for example, or is diagnosed with dementia.

I live in another country and other relatives who live close by are also attorneys. Tbh, if he became truly incapacitated, I think it would be best for us to make the decisions, rather than the local authority, as we truly know my Dad - but appreciate that's not the case for everyone.

I would contact adult social care in your area and ask for a care and needs assessment. They will be able to help with arranging a care package at home if there is a need for it.

Remove the dogs and ask social services to assess them. Encourage them to go into a home together.

It’s all very well to say the dh should be organising care, but it’s not at all uncommon for old people to refuse to pay for it - even when they can well afford it - and/or to refuse to have ‘strangers’ - paid help (paid by them or SS) in the house.

Can you tell I’m speaking from experience here?? Stubborn old people can be a nightmare!

OP, your dh needs to have a firm talk with them, explaining that you and he simply don’t have the time for anything like routine help - they must either pay for it or accept SS involvement.

@NotSayingImBatman I sympathise re: the sister. My own was similar. You are asking for her input, not for her to return from Australia to become a hands on carer. A quick search of this board will reveal many people who ‘care’ at a distance. Sounds like the point is that she doesn’t care. And whilst I agree that being born doesn’t mean an obligation to care, making choices as an adult to use parents/aunt as child care is taking and sets an expectation that there should be some
reciprocal ‘giving’.

Both relatives should apply for attendance allowance
It is not means tested & they can buy in more help & care locally

https://www.gov.uk/attendance-allowance

In my experience, elderly people do not agree to make any changes until an emergency occurs. Then they will be more agreeable to changes

So I have this the below in place

Power of Attorney in place & ready to use if needed for health & finances
Will
Key safe at front door
Aware of prescriptions, illnesses, medication & at one point the prescriptionswere delivered for free by the local pharmacy
Alarm for falls
Other local people/ famy/friends who are willing to help make welfare checks or take to appointments
Applied for attendance allowance
Applied for disabled parking badge
Applied for bus pass
Organised a weekly cleaner, who also did welfare check
Mobility aids delivered & installed
One portion meals & shopping delivered
Neighbours have helped & I was very grateful, but ultimately not their responsibility to care
Deflected scammers
Frequent hospital visits

You live too far away, the amount of care will continue to increase over time

You need to put more care in place for the relatives
Or
The relatives move much closer to you

For all those key board doubters

I am someone who has taken my care responsibilities seriously

I too, lived too far away & the care requirements increased over time
Relative refused to move to my location
We all moved to a new location
We now all live together (not everyone's ideal situation, but it has worked out so far)

Being a carer is never an easy option !

I know several other people who are in their 50s, 60s looking after older relatives in their 80s, 90s

Good luck !

Agree. He's allowed to want to prioritise your child. I would, too. I saw my mum burn out taking care of her parents with no help from siblings.

How much can he do from that distance anyway?

OP I tried to do my best for my dad. It was terrible and nearly destroyed my marriage. We handed DF over to social services in the end. Don’t feel bad if it’s too much. I had a 1yo and a 5yo and it pretty much broke me for a while. It’s so hard but I had to prioritise my DCs.

Exactly.,it isn't fair to leave it to the neighbours. But you have jobs and a disabled child and that's plenty of responsibility. They will need Social,Services intervention. Or contact Age UK for advice on how to get the best support.

You shouldn't be running yourselves ragged. They should be being assessed to see what they need then making the appropriate changes.