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Elderly parents

DH doesn’t want to care for his elderly relatives

140 replies

NotSayingImBatman · 30/12/2024 13:21

Just that really. DH’s dad and auntie live 1.5 hours from us. His sister used to live around the corner from both of them but buggered off to Australia when she no longer needed the free childcare they provided for her.

Both relatives are getting on in years now and both have had falls/health issues/periods of confusion. When this happens, neighbours call DH constantly telling him they’re unwell and asking him to go and check on them. DH and I both have stressful, full time jobs and a disabled child of our own to take care of, so can’t just take 5+ hours out of our day to go and check on them. He calls them regularly, arranges shopping deliveries etc, so he’s not doing nothing at all, but he gets so angry and resentful whenever he gets one of these phone calls.

What do I do? I feel guilty leaving them to their own devices, and if they lived closer we’d both be more than happy to help them out more. Do I just quietly support DH’s decision to let them get on with it? Do I drive over there myself and take on their care on my own? I do love my in laws, but Christ this is difficult.

OP posts:
I8toys · 30/12/2024 21:42

GrannyRose15 · 30/12/2024 20:22

Isn’t it sad that so many people in this country think they have no responsibility towards elderly relatives and think that it is up to the state to provide and fund any support needed?
Whatever happened to “Honour thy father and thy mother that you may live long in the land the Lord has given you.” ?
There’s a promise there as well as an obligation.

Not sad at all. My responsibility, my promise, my obligation is to my husband and children in the first instance. My need to work to provide for my family is my obligation and responsibility.

Everyone needs to plan for the future and think about their possible care needs and that means having enough money to get paid care and potentially enough for a care home and not be dependent upon family. Also to be open to discussions that will benefit them when life becomes difficult. That is their obligation to their children who are already juggling careers and family.

Marshbird · 30/12/2024 21:45

GrannyRose15 · 30/12/2024 20:22

Isn’t it sad that so many people in this country think they have no responsibility towards elderly relatives and think that it is up to the state to provide and fund any support needed?
Whatever happened to “Honour thy father and thy mother that you may live long in the land the Lord has given you.” ?
There’s a promise there as well as an obligation.

Granny rose implies you’re old enough to know better than to spout this crap emotional blackmail.

perosnally, if you haven’t cottoned on, that living long in the land gods given to you, these days, ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Give me quality of life over quantity these days. Too many people afraid to die younger, wanting the immortality with its dementia, immobiblty, disability that comes with it.

and never mind that for a lot of people, parents don’t get to be honoured by the edict of a religious statement, usually made in a patriarchal culture where actually that burden of honouring parents through care got dumped on the women . Always. Of course a church would say that. Honouring your parents starts with them honouring you as a child,

you know as well as I do that at the time the bible was written, that families lived locally, rarely straying form villages, that families were large with many siblings, that women in those cultures worked domestically or in the fields, that few older people lived much longer than they worked for , and that many families lived under one roof. A few falls like the aging dad and aunt would have probably finished them off back then, same as the first bout of UTI that older people succumb to so often.
care for elders was not restricted usually to one single child, it would have been spread amongst everyone in the household.

we do not live lives based on cultures that existed 2000 years ago, thank god. People live long lives, but not necessarily healthier ones, and that places huge social needs on society to care for those infirm or frail people,who live in their own homes by themselves.

sure, granny, go ahead and put that burden on your own sons and daughters . Have you told them this? Have they agreed? If so I assume they live locally with at least one of them not in full time employment . And hopefully they’ve got a gift for dealing with your personal attendance and nursing 24/7 without loosing their own mental well-being or resenting your entitlement over time,

you can be as naive as you want, I’m not. And most of us aren’t these days. I have a LPOA and a clear expression of wishes, and money set aside . I really, really dont want to go into care or a long term nursing home, but having seen my dear dad die of LBD, I recognise that it might well come to it and to plan accordingly if it does. My dc live their own lives, they don’t get burdened with managing mine just because I’m old and on my own.

Marshbird · 30/12/2024 21:51

Newbutoldfather · 30/12/2024 15:50

I don’t think regular 5 hour trips are realistic or fair on either of you, but I wouldn’t abandon them either.

I think you should help them put some kind of system in to help them be more secure. Maybe an alarm system or paid carers regularly popping in to check (if affordable).

I also think the neighbours, if young and fit, could have a key and check on them (obviously with their permission). Surely it is easier to check themselves rather than call you to check.

Obviously you have your own busy lives to lead, but the MN idea that parents are just like anyone else and you owe them nothing doesn’t sit right with me, and certainly wasn’t the way I treated my parents in their old age.

Bollocks to neighbours being asked to do this. Are you smoking dope?
It is not their responsisiblty to have to be burdened with worrying about their neighbours every time they don’t see them for a few hours or days. They are not responsible for helping them off floor if they did find them there- you need professional Training for that .
just no.
Dont ever, ever do that to neighbours.

difficultpeople · 30/12/2024 23:28

Sorry, quote fail. In response to "honour your parents and live in god's earth":

Lots of people aren't religious, for one thing.

Lots more see comments like that as convenient for the state to use to try to guilt trip people into being unpaid carers.

But people have more hours to work now than they used to. There's no SAHP unless you're rich. There's only a fixed amount of hours in the day, people can't use them twice and to try just leads to the carer becoming chronically ill too. Which helps nobody and solves nothing, only adding to the problem.

I'd say those are the main factors these days.

Also nobody lives nearby any more. A lot easier to do ad-hoc caring when you only live next door or a few streets away.

And people didn't linger like they do now. They were healthy and mostly capable until they got ill and died. Not lived seemingly forever in an increasingly frail body that was never designed to go on this long, being constantly patched up by modern medicine but never actually healthy, thriving or having quality of life.

People looked after their parents in the days when their own DC actually left home in adulthood (late teens/early 20's) so there was space.

With no state care the parents were, I expect, more grateful for family care and didn't bitch and moan and dig their heels in about having to leave their home and about how their DD/DIL (because let's face it, it would have 99% been women doing the caring) did things differently. Or if the parents did complain, the women carers sucked it up, having been trained from birth to expect to skivvy after others until they died or became infirm themselves. No expectations of anything different, of equality, of a life of their own at all. Family carers now won't tolerate being treated like servants by their infirm relatives.

Parents didn't used to worry that their little ones would get run over because there were far fewer cars or that their teens would get sucked into county lines gangs because they didn't exist.

When nobody moved too far away everyone knew everyone else, that's where "the village" to raise DC came from. And even troublesome people didn't "shit on their on doorstep" if they had any sense. Now people mostly don't know their neighbours and there's no sense of community.

It added up to DC being able to be outside the home more safely, entertaining each other and not getting under mum's feet whilst she cared for elderly relatives. Not stuck in front of a screen or needing attention every 5min, until they're about 30.

It's a different life now and expectations about care have had to change. It works both ways. Few grandparents are raising DGC whilst the children's parents work, even if it's a single parent household and where they are helping, the children's parents aren't necessarily grateful for the help but want to treat the DGP like staff. Don't forget the DGP are often still working when DGC come along too.

There's more awareness of the harm caused to DC by emotional abuse etc, and to the elderly by improper care practices that amount to some form of neglect, and to the carer in the form of bad backs and emotional burnout etc. People are taught from birth to (hopefully!) value themselves and their well-being and they're taught to expect good health and to expect to be able to enjoy life. Not to run themselves ragged with no end in sight. Even some branches of the state encourages us to put ourselves first and remain our healthiest, so as not to become a burden on it, whilst simultaneously telling us to work all hours. It's difficult enough to achieve both of those, especially whilst DC are young without adding caring for a disabled (or just plain ancient) person on top.

Times have changed, it's as simple as that.

countrygirl99 · 30/12/2024 23:55

GrannyRose15 · 30/12/2024 20:22

Isn’t it sad that so many people in this country think they have no responsibility towards elderly relatives and think that it is up to the state to provide and fund any support needed?
Whatever happened to “Honour thy father and thy mother that you may live long in the land the Lord has given you.” ?
There’s a promise there as well as an obligation.

We're 10 years in come February with the likelihood of many years to come. On top of working and our own children. Quite frankly I think we have done our time and need a break.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 31/12/2024 07:53

I did this recently for a relative who lives an hour away following a couple of falls.

Contacted social services online and requested an assessment.
They came out in person ( due to elderly relatives previously refusing help over the phone ( phone call with social services). I made sure I was present at the appointment to discuss the finer details.

Equipment was discussed and provided. Grab rails, trolley etc...

Carers now come in twice a day although I'm not sure there's a lot of caring involved, more like a 1 minute welfare check.

A fall pendant was discussed and installed. We decided not to be first responders as we live too far away. So if another fall occurred, they would send someone round from their organisation.

Perhaps your DH should do something like what I've done.

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 08:25

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 31/12/2024 07:53

I did this recently for a relative who lives an hour away following a couple of falls.

Contacted social services online and requested an assessment.
They came out in person ( due to elderly relatives previously refusing help over the phone ( phone call with social services). I made sure I was present at the appointment to discuss the finer details.

Equipment was discussed and provided. Grab rails, trolley etc...

Carers now come in twice a day although I'm not sure there's a lot of caring involved, more like a 1 minute welfare check.

A fall pendant was discussed and installed. We decided not to be first responders as we live too far away. So if another fall occurred, they would send someone round from their organisation.

Perhaps your DH should do something like what I've done.

That is how it SHOULD be everywhere but as many know, it is not. I think that the other thing is that obvs your reli agreed to it and many do not. I am glad it has worked out for you and yes there are things that the OP can do or attempt to do but its not always as easy as your experience.

countrygirl99 · 31/12/2024 08:47

@godmum56 exactly. It's amazing how often social services arrange to visit someone with no family present and take everything they claim they can do at face value. Even when it's previously been demonstrated that they don't.

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 09:16

countrygirl99 · 31/12/2024 08:47

@godmum56 exactly. It's amazing how often social services arrange to visit someone with no family present and take everything they claim they can do at face value. Even when it's previously been demonstrated that they don't.

There is also the issue of struggling to get a visit in the first place!!

saraclara · 31/12/2024 09:32

If he doesn't want to physically care for them, he needs to sort out people who will.

That. You can't care for them from this distance and with your own disabled child. But someone needs to know that they're not managing, and step in.

Adult social care needs to know of their existence and their issues. If your DH can arrange appointments and go up there for a couple of days, it will save him an awful of trouble down the line.

I'd advise calling Age UK as a first step. Their advice line is spectacularly good, in my experience. They will explain what the relatives are entitled to and how to go about getting it.

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 31/12/2024 09:36

Parents didn't used to worry that their little ones would get run over because there were far fewer cars or that their teens would get sucked into county lines gangs because they didn't exist.

No, I suspect they more worried instead about the real possibility of their children dying young from drinking dirty water, cholera, typhus, typhoid, small pox, scarlet fever, sepsis….Have you looked at how many women practically had a child a year after marriage in the 18th or 19th centuries? They had families of 10, 12, 17, 23 children! My grandma was born in a “court house”, a poorly built slum where there could be 100 people to 2 privies? Her parents had 7 children and a lodger, living in 3 rooms.

I would have thought a pregnancy every year, and say 12 children to look after was pretty much a full time job, harder than working full time in an office today, and two children in the evenings?

AppleBlossomTimeNow · 31/12/2024 09:40

Age UK Community Wardens could pop in every day or you could contact the LA about other agencies/micro-enterprises that can provide paid for care support for a variety of needs.

countrygirl99 · 31/12/2024 09:41

@godmum56 and then you get the GP saying on a Friday that mum has capacity to make her own decisions and the next Monday the surgery call to complain she hasn't turned up for a dressing change and telling me I need to sort it. Even though taking mum for a 3 times a week dressing change would take me at least 3.5 hours each time

countrygirl99 · 31/12/2024 09:43

AppleBlossomTimeNow · 31/12/2024 09:40

Age UK Community Wardens could pop in every day or you could contact the LA about other agencies/micro-enterprises that can provide paid for care support for a variety of needs.

They don't exist everywhere. Where mum lives Age UK only offer leaflets abd it's hard to even speak to someone on the phone. Where ILs lived Age UK were fantastic and really helped.

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 10:29

countrygirl99 · 31/12/2024 09:41

@godmum56 and then you get the GP saying on a Friday that mum has capacity to make her own decisions and the next Monday the surgery call to complain she hasn't turned up for a dressing change and telling me I need to sort it. Even though taking mum for a 3 times a week dressing change would take me at least 3.5 hours each time

the answer there is to say that if she has capacity then you aren't sorting it!

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 10:33

saraclara · 31/12/2024 09:32

If he doesn't want to physically care for them, he needs to sort out people who will.

That. You can't care for them from this distance and with your own disabled child. But someone needs to know that they're not managing, and step in.

Adult social care needs to know of their existence and their issues. If your DH can arrange appointments and go up there for a couple of days, it will save him an awful of trouble down the line.

I'd advise calling Age UK as a first step. Their advice line is spectacularly good, in my experience. They will explain what the relatives are entitled to and how to go about getting it.

you cannot do anything and Age Concern cannot do anything if the person themselves has capacity and refuses. The professional concerned can KNOW that the person is lying to them but if the person has capacity and chooses to lie then there is zero that can be done except leave them to it. Adults are allowed to make terrible choices.

countrygirl99 · 31/12/2024 10:35

godmum56 · 31/12/2024 10:29

the answer there is to say that if she has capacity then you aren't sorting it!

I did very emphatically

rookiemere · 31/12/2024 11:22

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 31/12/2024 09:36

Parents didn't used to worry that their little ones would get run over because there were far fewer cars or that their teens would get sucked into county lines gangs because they didn't exist.

No, I suspect they more worried instead about the real possibility of their children dying young from drinking dirty water, cholera, typhus, typhoid, small pox, scarlet fever, sepsis….Have you looked at how many women practically had a child a year after marriage in the 18th or 19th centuries? They had families of 10, 12, 17, 23 children! My grandma was born in a “court house”, a poorly built slum where there could be 100 people to 2 privies? Her parents had 7 children and a lodger, living in 3 rooms.

I would have thought a pregnancy every year, and say 12 children to look after was pretty much a full time job, harder than working full time in an office today, and two children in the evenings?

I'm not sure what your point is here. Life May have been tougher for all in times gone by, but it still doesn't mean that working DPs can magic up time to deal with the needs of very elderly relatives.

JenniferBooth · 31/12/2024 12:49

countrygirl99 · 31/12/2024 09:41

@godmum56 and then you get the GP saying on a Friday that mum has capacity to make her own decisions and the next Monday the surgery call to complain she hasn't turned up for a dressing change and telling me I need to sort it. Even though taking mum for a 3 times a week dressing change would take me at least 3.5 hours each time

Yep The hypocrisy is stark

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 31/12/2024 12:53

@rookiemere - I thought @difficultpeople made a ludicrous point, to suggest it was easier for people in the past to look after children, because they didn’t have to worry about county lines.

We have two grown up disabled children, DH was working full time, at the time MIL was dying, but he still participated in her care from 3.5 hours away - and we went to spend 2 days a week, with her in the last few months of her life in hospital or an inadequate care home (because she had capacity and accepted what Social Services told her). I worked part time for him, looked after DD1 and DD2, which is a full time job plus and looked after DGC, when needed, but still went to help look after MIL with DH 2 days a week, otherwise she got nothing to eat or drink.

I can’t see OP’s DH’s problem?

JenniferBooth · 31/12/2024 12:59

What about our OWN appointments I cancelled a hospital appointment when my dad died because i just couldnt face it. Am i supposed to just leave it and any other appointments that are part of leading a normal life while i sit at home every day waiting for the next crisis

JenniferBooth · 31/12/2024 13:03

@WeWillGetThereInTheEnd You could have saved yourself a lot of hassle by just typing "i had to do it so why cant you"

"i worked part time for him" Did i read that right. You are working for your DH in his company.

countrygirl99 · 31/12/2024 13:37

@WeWillGetThereInTheEnd bully for you. So what.

viques · 31/12/2024 13:47

If they are already having falls and periods of confusion you need to get POAs for both financial and health decisions in place asap for both of them, (it might already be too late). It will cost you £300 ++ for both of them, but you will need to be there to fill in the forms for them, you will also need to have an independent witness to attest to their competence . You can do it online, but they are quite complicated forms that you need to talk through and read carefully. I got paper forms, which you can request, but they are a bit slow to send, even so I used a shed load of post it notes to work out who had to sign where.

user87349287657 · 31/12/2024 14:02

We have been the neighbours in this situation. We did always call the family as I think thats whats obvious if you have a number, rather than jumping straight to local authorities. Does DH really not want to know if they’ve fallen on the pavement or are wandering round confused etc?
Luckily in our situation, after a couple of falls our neighbour moved into a care home.
You mustn’t blame the sister when your DH is no keener on taking on the task!
You need to get help, either carers or care home in place, but appreciate its hard work from a distance away. Looking after them yourselves doesn’t seem to be an option, your daughter must come first, so set the ball rolling to outsource their care.