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Elderly parents
Original poster

What a day to die!

61 replies

cheesecurdsandgravy · 25/12/2024 19:51

FIL died today at noon. He had been on end of life care (diazepam and morphine) since yesterday morning following a sudden decline and admission Monday morning due to heart failure and a chest infection.

practicalities and problems… 5 days to register death. Death certificate won’t be issued until Friday as whoever organises paperwork at the hospital is off until then. Can’t book a registrars appointment until that paperwork is done. I presume that in cases like this (when everything is rightly closed!) we aren’t going to add to our stresses if we can’t get an appointment booked until Monday?!

MIL getting antsy as “nobody is returning her calls”. Again, I don’t see why funeral directors aren’t entitled to Christmas off and I think the vicar is busy today…! But, I get that she needs to feel she’s doing something - she knows that FILs body will remain at the hospital safely, but it’s not where she wants it to be, and she can’t see him as (you guessed it) the mortuary is closed for Christmas! I’m deep breathing through it and providing regular food and hot drinks…

anything else I can do?!

OP posts:
laundryobsessed · 25/12/2024 19:55

SO sorry for this loss especially on Christmas Day; holding you in mind. Thoughts and prayers. Xx

EVHead · 25/12/2024 19:57

So sorry to hear this. My dad died on 31 December and I felt so bad pushing my mum to phone to make an appointment to register the death before everything shut down for two days, followed by the weekend!

It’s a horrible time - can you offer tea and sympathy, meals for the freezer, practical help phoning family and friends?

WimpoleHat · 25/12/2024 19:58

Oh gosh - that’s an added layer of stress that nobody needs. Hopefully you will find more open tomorrow and then more again on 27th. So sorry for your loss.

user87349287657 · 25/12/2024 20:02

Sorry for your loss.
However - I don't think you’ll find things would move much quicker if it was a Monday morning in June! Since Covid registering a death and all the ongoing admin has been a much slower process. Funerals round here are routinely a month or more after death even if there are no PM’s or other extenuating circumstances.
I know it feels like you should be doing something, but really, there is no rush. Condolences to you all.

katcatkat · 25/12/2024 20:03

Death has to be registered within 5 days of the medical examiner saying you can not 5 days from the death.
My dad died on the 14th in a care home under palliative care due to issues at the GP surgery the medical examiner did not deal with it until Friday and our appointment to register the death isn't until the 28th due to christmas.
Don't stress about that

shellyleppard · 25/12/2024 20:04

Op so sorry for your loss. Maybe your mil is coping with the grief by being busy. Some people just cope better if they feel like they are doing something xSending hugs x

NinjaOfEnnui · 25/12/2024 20:09

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐My dad died last Christmas Day - got the call from the hospital at 5.30 am, so that was fun. I was worried like you about the practicalities. Seriously - as long as things are set in motion, it really doesn't matter if it takes longer than strictly allowed. The funeral director did move him on Christmas Day, but that all started again on the 27th. I think the doctor called me to go over the death cert then too, but the registrar didn't get back in touch until early Jan I think (it was a phone appt and I think I was back at work) as there was a bit of a backlog from Christmas eve etc, and the previous weekends. I kept phoning the funeral director in a panic but they are really calm and kind and know who to chase to get things moving.

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 25/12/2024 20:11

Oh I'm sorry that's proper shit for your to deal with.

I think all you can do is tea and sympathy for MIL and kindly broken record: "he's safe when he is. There's nothing that can be done any sooner."

She's probably fixating on that as a coping strategy right now. Xx

justfornow1 · 25/12/2024 20:11

My auntie died in May, on a Friday. It still took til after the post mortem to be able to register the death, which was 6 days. Everything was really slow.

I'm sorry this has happened today for you all.

iwishihadaname · 25/12/2024 20:17

cheesecurdsandgravy · 25/12/2024 19:51

FIL died today at noon. He had been on end of life care (diazepam and morphine) since yesterday morning following a sudden decline and admission Monday morning due to heart failure and a chest infection.

practicalities and problems… 5 days to register death. Death certificate won’t be issued until Friday as whoever organises paperwork at the hospital is off until then. Can’t book a registrars appointment until that paperwork is done. I presume that in cases like this (when everything is rightly closed!) we aren’t going to add to our stresses if we can’t get an appointment booked until Monday?!

MIL getting antsy as “nobody is returning her calls”. Again, I don’t see why funeral directors aren’t entitled to Christmas off and I think the vicar is busy today…! But, I get that she needs to feel she’s doing something - she knows that FILs body will remain at the hospital safely, but it’s not where she wants it to be, and she can’t see him as (you guessed it) the mortuary is closed for Christmas! I’m deep breathing through it and providing regular food and hot drinks…

anything else I can do?!

Sorry about ur loss

fudgesmummy · 25/12/2024 20:19

My mum died on Boxing Day 2 years ago.
We had a hell of a problem finding a doctor to sign the death certificate

Cerealkiller4U · 25/12/2024 20:19

cheesecurdsandgravy · 25/12/2024 19:51

FIL died today at noon. He had been on end of life care (diazepam and morphine) since yesterday morning following a sudden decline and admission Monday morning due to heart failure and a chest infection.

practicalities and problems… 5 days to register death. Death certificate won’t be issued until Friday as whoever organises paperwork at the hospital is off until then. Can’t book a registrars appointment until that paperwork is done. I presume that in cases like this (when everything is rightly closed!) we aren’t going to add to our stresses if we can’t get an appointment booked until Monday?!

MIL getting antsy as “nobody is returning her calls”. Again, I don’t see why funeral directors aren’t entitled to Christmas off and I think the vicar is busy today…! But, I get that she needs to feel she’s doing something - she knows that FILs body will remain at the hospital safely, but it’s not where she wants it to be, and she can’t see him as (you guessed it) the mortuary is closed for Christmas! I’m deep breathing through it and providing regular food and hot drinks…

anything else I can do?!

My father died a few days ago too. Feel you there OP

Dymaxion · 25/12/2024 20:20

Isn't it 5 working days to register ? Also nobody is going to get cross with a relative, who's loved one died on Christmas day, if its a few days over the 5 days when they register the death.

TheSillyGoose · 25/12/2024 20:31

So sorry for your loss, I'm sure that your support won't go unnoticed though OP, I do believe that it's 5 working days to register the death so I wouldn't stress too much.

Hugs x

triballeader · 25/12/2024 20:33

(DH is CofE priest) If your mum feels a need to talk to a priest she can contact the hospital chaplains. They continue to provide 24/7 cover to the very best of their ability. Christmas will be busy as they will also be doing bedside communions for those unable to get to their home churches or well enough to attend a hospital chapel service. If a message is left with them then the duty chaplain will respond just as soon as the6 are able to. they cannot organise a funeral but they can offer some support to those in shock from a death.

My DH is finally home and shattered and trying not to fall asleep in reheated lasagna. I have not seen him for the past two weeks due to extra services, school events, work events, extra church social events etc on top of all the meetings he normally does. I think most clergy put in the kind of hours that would make a junior doctor cry on the lead up to Christmas and almost all take time off between Boxing Day and the first Sunday after Christmas. For your mum this will be the worst moment of her life. the world continues around you whilst your life and heart lie in shatters and your own world has stopped. At that point remembering vicars need sleep after a very busy advent will not register. nor should it. Please reassure her the vicar will respond as soon as they ca. This may not be as soon as she feels she needs but they will respond just as soon as they have had a chance to rest and have a few days off after working a week average of 70+ hours over 6/7 day weeks for all of December.

Mmmcheese89 · 25/12/2024 20:46

I have no practical advice that wouldn't be a repeat of PPs. Just wanted to extend my sympathies. X

Tortielady · 25/12/2024 21:01

I am so sorry for your loss and have an inkling of how your poor MiL feels. My Dad's passing coincided with the Jewish Passover, which coincided with Easter weekend and was capped off by the fact that for technical reasons, the coroner had to sign Dad off for burial. Jewish burial law says that the funeral should be the day after the death where humanly possible. In this case, it wasn't, because the law of the land has to take precedence and the extra 24 hours or so were very stressful. In the end, things came together, we got the paperwork sorted and the people we dealt with couldn't have been kinder. But - and it was no-one's fault - the timing was awful.

Once things did get underway though, it all happened quite quickly. One thing we found useful was to over-estimate how many copies of the death certificate would be needed rather than the reverse. Banks, solicitors and various others often need them and they don't all accept photocopies or scans. Once again, condolences to you and yours.

Livelovebehappy · 25/12/2024 21:14

So sorry OP. My df died of cancer on Xmas day 10 years ago, so subsequent Xmas days are always tinged with sadness as it’s a time I think about him more than other days.

Lubilu02 · 25/12/2024 21:15

Poor Lady, that must have really come out of the blue almost.

Just support her as best you can by being present, same with your husband or wife.

A bit of fresh air and change of scenery from the house might help even just a little.

Going to be alot to process for her, so a bit of leeway is going to be necessary.

Much love to you all x

Jennyathemall · 25/12/2024 21:17

What exactly would happen if you didn’t register within 5 days. You going to get arrested if it’s day 6 or 7?

MermaidEyes · 25/12/2024 21:17

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wouldn't worry about the 5 days thing, as someone upthread said I think it's 5 days from when the ME says you can. I was out of the country when one of my parents died so it was at least 10 days before the death could be registered.

PauliesWalnuts · 25/12/2024 21:19

Sending condolences. My dad died the August bank holiday weekend so we had similar delays. Due to a shortage of catholic priests we also had a delay of several weeks for the requiem Mass.

If your MIL really feels that she needs to do something maybe suggest things that you can be ready for e.g. clothes for the coffin, list of who needs to be told and who will do the telling, type of funeral, hymns, poems, readings and who would read etc?

MermaidEyes · 25/12/2024 21:19

Also should add often you can't get an appointment within 5 days anyway! I booked online and there weren't a great deal of appointments free at the time.

Mum2jenny · 25/12/2024 21:19

Sorry for your loss, but having dealt with more than 1 death over a Xmas time, it is hard but you will be ok.

Mum2jenny · 25/12/2024 21:21

However I dealt with the deaths before one has to book appointments ie pre Covid