🪳 🪳 🪳 Cockroach Café Late Summer 2024

[MereDintofPandiculation]

Welcome in to the Cockroach Café Bad Daughters’ Room. all fresh and clean for the new season. Join me over here on the sofas amongst the rugs and cushions if you’ve come in from the rain, or over the other side in the shade if it’s 33 degrees outside. Looks like it’s either one or the other.

Good daughters, find your way to the small room behind the stairs. Sorry it’s not as equipped as here, but it doesn’t get much use.

Come in when you want to share good news, or to rant, or just to hang out with others who understand what you're going through. The way MN works, hopefully this thread won’t appear in any featured lists, and the only people wandering in will be those who understand what it’s all about.

If you have a BIG question, it might be worth giving it its own thread, so as not to swamp this one.

For newbies: why cockroach? Previous long term resident of "Elderly Parents" Yolo's DM attended a 'small animal event' in a nursing home, and was presented with a "small animal with a hard back" the name of which species she couldn't remember. Her ever helpful DB suggested cockroach, and it has become a toast on here. My recent enquiries suggested more people wanted to keep the well known name than wanted to change it to something more savoury, so for the moment it stays.

Checking in and bagging a squishy corner of the sofa. Thanks Mere.

<Saunters in gin in hand> <hic> 🫧 😵‍💫

<Places gin, tonic, ice and lemons on table for others to help themselves> 🍸

Been busy all day with organising the funeral for my Aunt and trying to begin to piece together the mammoth task of suddenly being an executor to her estate with a solicitor. Even he looked a bit shaken by the task ahead.

Managed to clear the spare room for DDad upstairs living room, my brother who was meant to have spent some time sorting it out when he came recently had clearly done nothing at all, so me and DH bagged it all and chucked it elsewhere for him to sort. He also evidently hadn't cleaned the room at all when he lived in it, there was a dust bunny the size of an actual rabbit in there and patches of dried cat puke all over the floor under the bed 🤢

Tomorrow I am back off to Aunt's house hundreds of miles away to sort more stuff out. Bang there goes my weeks holiday time relaxing and spending time with the kids.

Checking in.

Ugh! Glad you have a solicitor for the executing, @Choconuttolata - you seem to have quite enough of your plate.

@MereDintofPandiculation popping in with some tea and cake while I have a moment.

Also wondering about health project managers, just had a letter from what I think is ‘department of older persons services’ (falls clinic) enquiring about DF… dated the exact day we took DF to the same hospital for a scheduled appointment in another clinic.

@Choconuttolata you’re amazingly productive, well done on the room clearance and I hope there are fewer horrors under aunt’s bed.

Checking in, with a case of gin.

@FiniteSagacity @MereDintofPandiculation @Choconuttolata @PanettonePudding @NoBinturongsHereMate @funnelfan thank you for the new thread. Hope you are all doing ok? Your ‘humour’ and resilience is a real tonic. Gin in hand and on the table for sharing along with my new vice of mini cheddars. I had to laugh at the mention of the Department of Older Persons…I only came across this late last year when trying to get some help with our mother…she was deemed full capacity and had no memory issues. My DSis and I could have told you that but our brother was convinced she had an illness. It was the first time we think he saw her awfulness. Anyway Department of the Older Person, instead of Geriatrics reminded me of Monty Python. When my sister and I laughed about it our mother quite indignantly exclaimed ‘but I am not geriatric, that is insulting’ 🙄

Hello folks. I’m keeping up with all your updates and channeling cockroach endurance as try to unravel an administrative mess my DM finds herself in. It’s not entirely of her own making but I wish she’d asked for help at the stage it got complicated. On the plus side, my DB has been helpful.

Morning all, PIL’s oil tank sprang a leak so we had a new one installed yesterday. FIL has unplugged the pinger receiver from the only socket they found to get reception because that’s the socket goldenballs BIL likes to use to charge his phone when he visits. You couldn’t write this rubbish 🙄😅

So nice to have a place where you can talk without having to start ‘I know I’m a horrible person, but…’

@BlueLegume I relate to every word you have said. Same with my mother going strong as an ox just suffers from vileness. Snap with the skirting with ED, both parents even started on my toddler DD she was "chunky" and ate too much, I nipped that in the bud.

I do fear it will never end and I'll be old and done myself when they die. Then I wonder if the scars from their lifetime if vile behaviour ever eased even when they are gone.

@Lexy70 hugs to you. There really is an army of these older people, in the main mothers, who seem hell bent on ensuring we have a wretched middle age.Well a lifetime in our mothers case. Nothing has ever been right. Think I have shifted a gear or so recently as several stories have come back to my sister and I where our mother has been telling people she vaguely knows in the village that she is ‘all alone’ and Blue and DSis have ‘dumped’ her words, our father in a home she hates but they gave her no say in choosing it. All untrue. She refused to listen to the hospital and left our father in a wholly inappropriate setting. She really believes her own story now. Not the reality of her 3 adult children running round buying food cleaning for her etc. I would love someone clever to do a study of that ‘generation’. My grandparents were not like this at all. Jolly and independent until the end. With our mother it feels at times like she is literally acting out a role she thinks she needs to play. But then she has always craved attention good or bad. As long as the supply is there the silliness continues.

Hello. I joined the last thread. gin very much appreciated.

Dad was rude to Mum's diabetic nurse (on the phone) yesterday...she was advising him/us (phone on loud speaker) how Mum's night time insulin worked (long lasting - which tbf I was aware of and thought Dad was too given we've lived with mum's type 1 diabetes for 52 years) only for him to say 'ah right, ok so everything I've been doing, I thought I was right but you're now telling me I'm wrong. Everything I bloody do is WRONG'...and stomped off to the kitchen, leaving me to try and cool the situation. Nurse was fine thank god but I do wonder how many times he kicks off when I'm not there and the eventuality will be that she'll (and others will) refuse to speak to him ( can't say I'd blame her/them but that won't help mum).

He has a tough ride, I'm not negating that but his temper is on a hair-trigger and it causes me so much anxiety. No matter who the person, or what they say, or how they say it, he takes it as an insult and criticism rather than actually listening to establish information to be able to ensure Mum has the best care. I'm just constantly on eggshells and it's starting to piss me off. I have a horrible feeling I'm not going to be able to keep my temper next time he has a little hissy fit so the Gin will definitely be helping.

Can I come and sit in the corner please. No longer have an elderly parent but not ready to leave the bad daughter's lounge yet. I've brought some fruity ciders because I'm not a fan of gin and in honour of my mum I've brought some chocolate eclairs.

@BlueLegume thankyou and hugs back to you. Yes I agree it is like dealing with a toddler, all attention bad or good is welcomed by her.

I too don't remember grandparents being rude and vile and negative. It is just endless and exhausting.

Myself and my DH work in the NHS and my parents attitude, entitlement and rudeness re the NHS and staff is appalling, the polar opposite of most patients in their eighties.

I just can't see it ever ending, of a time when I don't have to deal with them and their bile.

Solidarity to all other bad daughters xxx

@Lexy70 oh yes the entitled behaviour and rudeness to NHS staff and also staff at the home are something to behold. I soothe myself saying our mother has a personality disorder ( undiagnosed) but at the same time know everyone who has ever come across her has been complicit in allowing her awful Hyacinth Bucket snobbery and general ‘I am better than everyone’ attitude. We shouldn’t be surprised at her behaviour now it has always been the same. Her recent gem has been ‘just leave me and get on with your life’ which she does not mean. What she means is ‘dedicate more time to me on my terms’

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation for the welcome as always, cheers to everyone here as I bring in the case of white wine.. need some on tap with a classy ice cube in it for when I come back from visiting DPs!

Im treading a fine line between being exasperated by them and feeling genuinely sorry for them at times… went up yesterday and among other things helped Dad with some online problems. He reads the Guardian and contributes a monthly DD but the app still triggers a sign in prompt every now and then which he struggles with as he can’t type passwords on the iPad I bought him without fat fingers .. so I logged him back in… also his Netflix has stopped working - found that his basic 4.99 plan is now “ad supported” and both his TVs are “not compatible” with this plan as their software won’t support the upgraded version of Netflix necessary to stream programmes with added stopping and starting for the adverts. Only solution was to upgrade the plan, to - 10.99 a month! I just have to remind him every now & then, does he still need it, as I did explain it’s not an annual commitment, he can just dip in and out. But all that took at least an hour to figure out and would have been totally beyond him even though he does pretty well online for his age (96). My mother already complains that everything (banking, shopping) is online. She’s never been able to cope with technology (did someone mention learned helplessness?) but I do sympathise that the world is very keen to leave them behind, really. Can’t be easy.

edited for typos, I wish the app did autocorrect better

<saunters in with alcoholic ice lollies, oh yes. Nobody needs to know>

Thank you @MereDintofPandiculation for the sparkly new thread - good to see familiar faces - I like @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere -( good to see you! How are you doing?) am a “ graduate” as dm passed away last may- so here for the gin, the humour- and if I can add anything helpful I will.
Even nearly 18 months on things don’t feel “ settled”- new norms to create.

@BlueLegume so true. They certainly shouldn't surprise us that they don't mellow like a nice old granny. My M becomes even more bilious and critical. It is just so cringe worthy when they act so entitled and special. My M is the same, undiagnosed too but very special and superior.

My D enables it all but also thinks he is special. At 85 couldn't use a stick as what would people think!!

I recently reported him to the DVLA, end stage cardiac failure, gout and can't feel one leg,barely mobile, very slowed up. Reported it anonymously but had to leavey details. The GP in her wisdom passed him. FFS.

I hear her poor me and victim when your mother is telling you just to leave her alone. So frustrating.

X

though he does pretty well online for his age (96). That's about when it all fell apart for my Dad. Sad how quickly things he used to do he could no longer do. And he was completely unaware it was him. but I do sympathise that the world is very keen to leave them behind, really. Can’t be easy. I'm coming to the conclusion that you can cope with so much change in your life, but after that, it all gets too much.

My dad coped with the coming of electricity (he's older than the National Grid), regular radio broadcasts, telephones, Subscriber Trunk Dialling (the phone equivalent of self service tills), whole world war, tv, computers (his early programming was in the days when you physically disconnected and reconnected wires to set up up the calculation - paper tape must have seemed a blessing), jet engine, motorways, self service shops, mobile telephones, and so much more.

I get fed up when some 30 year old tells me how important it is for me to "embrace technological change". I've been embracing technological change for nearly twice your lifetime already.

BlueLegume your mum sounds just like my gran. Everyone had to dance to her tune. I got married abroad and had a reception at home for all our family and
friends.

My mum arranged and agreed to pay for a taxi for my gran to the reception and also one home. My gran said that she expected my mum to leave when gran was ready and go home with her. Mum explained that she couldn't do that,as mother of the bride she had to stay until the end of the evening. Gran then refused to attend,fully expecting everyone to fuss around her and agree to her demands.

I'd had enough of her shenanigans by then,and refused to do the expected begging and pleading to convince her to change her mind,and when she brought it up,saying stuff like she'd miss seeing me in my wedding dress ect ect,and crying,I just remarked that it was indeed a shame.

The best bit,was my mum overheard her talking to someone at the door,saying that her grand daughter was getting married. The caller said that was lovely and gran must be really looking forward to it. Gran told her "oh no,I've not been invited". The bare faced liar!
Mum and I did not give in to her,and told anyone who asked,why my gran wasn't there. I was the only one of her grand children ever to get married,but she'd rather cut her nose off to spite her face and miss it than not get her own way. That told me a lot about how she viewed us. The really sad thing about it was that my very disabled uncle lived with her,and she refused to let him attend without her. He loved a party,so he missed out as well. After this,I knew that nothing was more important to her than having her own way and being the centre of attention.

Pours drinks for everyone on the new thread

Checking in. Pass me a gin and make it a big one. Cheers all.

I blew up at DH last night. He only interrupted my watching of the West Wing to ask if I wanted anything from the kitchen. I was just so tense and on edge from there being so many little things going wrong all the time that I have to sort out.

Luckily he is very understanding and went and got me tea and a biscuit.

I can’t even complain that DM is selfish or vile because she’s not, she’s very grateful but has just completely abdicated from any responsibility for anything. Added to the forgetfulness, it’s hard.

I’ve decided to keep a diary and log every little thing I do. Today it’s been getting DMs watch fixed, speaking to Audiology about her hearing aids, speaking to the surveyor about the damp in her house, doing her food shopping and finding her packets of Tena ladies that she’d lost somewhere in the house.

All small things but it adds up to about 3 hours just today.

All small things but it adds up to about 3 hours just today. My Dad is in a nursing home and therefore I have “nothing to do”. I’ve just written a letter to him because I can’t visit, there are 3 bank letters for him on the kitchen table that I’m avoiding opening because it will mean work, and a pair of his pyjamas needing mending or throwing away.

meanwhile I’m getting a glimpse from the other side. I’m just recovering from severy gastroenteritis, so poor DH has had to take on cooking and dishwasher duties on top of his usual chores. Poor love is exhausted. And while he has been very good at bringing me drinks, dry toast, medications, it’s never been quite as quick as I want it, and I have to hold in my frustration and not nag. Quite a learning experience.

@MereDintofPandiculation hope you are feeling better soon. Interesting observation about viewing care from the other side. I suppose we assume when we are ‘helping’ our parents they should be appreciative but maybe we are quite annoying 🤣