Elderly mother and conflict with siblings

[BlueLegume]

Over the past few years I had to make a decision to find full time nursing care for my DF. This advice came from his consultant. Unfortunately one of my siblings and DM didn’t like the advice so set about making a few, but rather pointless adaptations to our parents home. I live overseas but do try to return regularly and make an effort to keep communication open. This thread isn’t about DF. He is now safe and in an environment able to meet his needs very close to our mother’s house so she visit easily. My mother is and always has been an incredibly difficult person, forever. I do not wish to ‘out’ myself but as long as I can remember she is awkward, unsympathetic and outright contrary about things. Sadly it appears one of my siblings sees her through rose tinted glasses and is determined she has something wrong with her. She is mid 80s but all I and my other sibling see is Mum being Mum. Unfortunately our brother does not see this. She has now alienated herself from everyone. There is not a neighbour she hasn’t be incredibly rude to. She has alienated all family members, who all tried to help as they liked our DF. We have arranged for a cleaner and a gardener. She will not allow them access. We arranged a private consultation with a geriatric specialist who was fantastic- she aced the memory test but took none of the advice he gave her. It feels like she only wants us as her middle aged children to drop everything and be with her. My sister and I are both retired, she lives an hour away I am overseas but come back to England regularly. Our brother thinks we do not do enough and that we should make our parents more of a priority. He seems oblivious to the fact my sister and I took the initiative and listened to hospital staff that Dad needed full nursing care, we found the home, sorted the room etc, made sure the staff had a life history for Dad and did the paperwork. He repeatedly ignored anything such as emails from the home asking for paperwork to be done. He continues to say Mum is ‘ill’. She may well be sad about the situation but both of our parents repeatedly ignored suggestions to help them selves in later life. Well done for getting so far - feel free to ask what I am actually asking! It feels like he has literally just opened his eyes to our mothers personality. In a nutshell she would and always has been incredibly defiant. Other than move in with her my sister and I are really not sure what to do as she will not help herself or allow us to arrange help. Our brother just criticises everything we do yet turns up when it suits him, not Mum, faffs about and leaves. Thanks for listening that feels abit better.

Ignore what your brother says, you should only do as much as you want to do.
Are social services involved?

Your brother’s opinion is literally that - his opinion. If he wants to do more he can go ahead and do it, but not involve you, or try to guilt you. I’d tell him to make a rod for his own back if he chooses, but not to make one for yours

Thanks for replies - no social services are not involved. They were with DF and were incredibly helpful. Really sensible responses so thanks for that.

There comes a time when stepping away is the only road to sanity.

You clearly cannot win no matter what you do.
So stop trying.

Be reassured that you have tried to do your best by them to no avail.

visit, listen, then leave. That’s all you can do.

From your post it sounds as if your brother does a lot less than you and your sister, but feels free to criticize and say you both should do more. But definitely not him.

I would focus on you and your sister being a united front.

If he starts up about 'mum being ill' you can either ignore, or state your disagreement and that you are not going to discuss it further.

Any suggestions that you and your sister should do more to help out again you can ignore, or point out all that you actually do despite having other commitments. And he is welcome to step up.

And its totally fair for you and your sister to point out to him that all he does is faff about and upset you both.

He is probably allowed to get away with doing less. Probably because he is male! Maybe they don't want to pay care home fees - do they ask for money if the other spouse is still alive & living in the property?

No money involved as we pursued, with a lot of help from the SW and the manager of the nursing home CHC - we were successful in getting it. No he lives about 20 minutes from our mother with his own family. Really kind sensible advice so thanks for that. He is and always has been very much a mummies boy - perhaps we need to remind ourselves of that. Neither he nor Mum like dealing with any reality in life - they were my sisters words to be fair and she is spot on. All of our children have gone onto have decent careers whereas his, lovely as they are have really just drifted in life and are in dead end jobs. But he blames the schools, the government and COVID for this. Quite ridiculous when you see it written down really. I have just come back to England for a visit and have already sorted DAd out with new clothes as I asked the home if he needed anything, a new razor and a bag labelled with toiletries. I also organised all of that from overseas.

Ohhhh I too have a brother who turns up when it suits him and not mum, faffs about then leaves. He also like to tell the rest of us how things should be done, while doing very little himself. Solidarity @BlueLegume it is so very frustrating 💐
If your mum aced the memory test, she is considered to have capacity, and can therefore make decisions that you 'deem to be unwise'. It's very difficult to try to help somebody who doesn't think they need help, so perhaps leave her to it and try to just keep an eye out for her safety as best as you can.

Thanks @Frostandfrogs sensible advice. Think I just needed to vent. Mother will literally argue black is white and always has done.

I can totally understand that need to vent!

My mum just passed away, like yours very stubborn and the opposite problem with my brother... too involved and Controlling with also a sharp tongue.

Elderly parents sub forum on here is great, soooop many of us go through this. It's awful, but you are not alone. hugs

Sounds so familiar! In our case it was the grown up grandchildren that had to take the reins because none of the children could get it together! The brother is just like you describe with kids drifting too so they weren't the grandchildren involved. Thankfully you inherit from both parents so the scatty genes of that middle generation have been superseded by exh among others

Is a residential home an option, not full nursing?

@mitogoshi Sister and I tried to get our parents to look at assisted living years ago but they refused. My own husband actually offered to buy them a place no strings attached. They refused and brother kept saying we’d all have to help when the crisis happened. Only he didn’t he buried his head in the sand and left us to it. I think mum would struggle in a home - she has an awful attitude. I’m not sure anyone would accept her plus she’s got full capacity she’s just not very nice.

Typical of brothers in my experience; just console yourself that you have a sister that understands.

can you ignore DBs comments - just agree but do nothing - ‘DM needs a carer / you to visit more / cleaner etc etc - just agree and leave it at that.
Then the debates over what is needed for the best don’t happen .
Saves a lot of stress and frustration.
I doubt anyone with a magic wand could even make DM happy and content. I would step back- she will do what she wants.

Why not suggest that your mother lives with your brother since he is so concerned.

@Tinkerbot sound advice. I am aware I’m wasting my own time. Dad is safe. That was my sister and my priority. My brother does by his own admission bt his way through life.

@VJBR good one !

What I would add to sound less harsh about our mother is she genuinely does not have any coping skills and never has. She has always just thrown a hissy fit when things haven’t gone her way. Stopped speaking to people or taken to her bed and starved her self so she then gets sympathy. Sister and I are well aware of her antics.

Did you post about this before? It sounds familiar.

If it wasn't you then someone has a similar situation and that post and replies could be helpful if you can find it.

If the brother could arrange to be there at the save time as the cleaner and gardener for the first twice each then he can let them in and oversee things until your mother is ok with it?

Make it clear to him that you're not doing anything more and he shouldn't either. She needs help and needs to see that you're all on the same page.

I am guessing your brother is her favoured child. The one she has always made more of an effort with, like when you have a visitor, putting on a show of coping and pandering to him, not showing vunerabilities. He probably glossed over any issues before. His view has been she's fine, she made me a cup of tea and had my favourite biscuits in.
With your dad not being at hone, advancing age and less energy, she can't pull herself up enough anymore to project shes fine to him. Its likely that he has never really seen her true self and situation before. He has suddenly realised she is old, yes a bit late in the day but some people are that oblivious to reality. He's probably over reacting because its a shock.

He keeps repeating things and getting het up because he doesn't feel his concerns are heard. He probably wishes you or your sister would step up and fix this for him, like you did with your father.
It may help stop the repetition to let him raise all his concerns without either of you or your sister saying "she's been doing that for years". Bite your tongues against the urge. Its a little thing, but you need to make him feel heard. Acknowledge his concerns and push everything back on him to come up with solutions and follow up on his own concerns with GP or social services. You are just too busy right now, so if he is really worried, he should follow it up. He will likely soon shut him up and stop over reacting when the answers involve effort on his part. I'm amazed how quickly oblivious people go back to being unconcerned when the solution to their worries involves a few phone calls and half an hour on hold.

@Elieza no not posted before

@Chloethecow sounds very sensible. Definitely agree we probably need to let him have his say and listen properly. Thanks

This family dynamic is extremely common. Both my family and my DH’s family have it. Favoured children, denied reality, manipulation, expectations of everyone else but very limited from themselves, enabling.

The best you can do is figure out your time and energy that you are willing to commit to the situation and leave it at that. It doesn’t usually change. I’m NC with my family DH is LC with his. There was all sorts of abuse in our family situations which adds to the complexity but the root issue of emotional immaturity was the same.

@Baaliali sorry to hear of your situation. I do agree about emotional maturity. My sister and I are very practical doers. That shows in our parenting. Brother is emotionally very immature. He’s middle aged but acts like he’s in his early twenties. Thinks he’s really cool when in fact he isn’t.