Elderly mother and conflict with siblings

[BlueLegume]

Over the past few years I had to make a decision to find full time nursing care for my DF. This advice came from his consultant. Unfortunately one of my siblings and DM didn’t like the advice so set about making a few, but rather pointless adaptations to our parents home. I live overseas but do try to return regularly and make an effort to keep communication open. This thread isn’t about DF. He is now safe and in an environment able to meet his needs very close to our mother’s house so she visit easily. My mother is and always has been an incredibly difficult person, forever. I do not wish to ‘out’ myself but as long as I can remember she is awkward, unsympathetic and outright contrary about things. Sadly it appears one of my siblings sees her through rose tinted glasses and is determined she has something wrong with her. She is mid 80s but all I and my other sibling see is Mum being Mum. Unfortunately our brother does not see this. She has now alienated herself from everyone. There is not a neighbour she hasn’t be incredibly rude to. She has alienated all family members, who all tried to help as they liked our DF. We have arranged for a cleaner and a gardener. She will not allow them access. We arranged a private consultation with a geriatric specialist who was fantastic- she aced the memory test but took none of the advice he gave her. It feels like she only wants us as her middle aged children to drop everything and be with her. My sister and I are both retired, she lives an hour away I am overseas but come back to England regularly. Our brother thinks we do not do enough and that we should make our parents more of a priority. He seems oblivious to the fact my sister and I took the initiative and listened to hospital staff that Dad needed full nursing care, we found the home, sorted the room etc, made sure the staff had a life history for Dad and did the paperwork. He repeatedly ignored anything such as emails from the home asking for paperwork to be done. He continues to say Mum is ‘ill’. She may well be sad about the situation but both of our parents repeatedly ignored suggestions to help them selves in later life. Well done for getting so far - feel free to ask what I am actually asking! It feels like he has literally just opened his eyes to our mothers personality. In a nutshell she would and always has been incredibly defiant. Other than move in with her my sister and I are really not sure what to do as she will not help herself or allow us to arrange help. Our brother just criticises everything we do yet turns up when it suits him, not Mum, faffs about and leaves. Thanks for listening that feels abit better.

@Frostandfrogs totally agree about early dementia being hard to spot in people who have historically been difficult.

When I first met my FIL I thought he had dementia. I was told 'oh no, he's always been odd'. 2 years later he had a dementia diagnosis and when we cleared his office, the signs were there from well before I met him.

In my clinical life I often meet patients with dementia and honestly they are generally very similar in terms of behaviour. However for families who had a difficult relationship they often can't identify that the patient isn't being unpleasant on purpose as it links to behaviours they have seen all their lives.

Conversations along the lines of 'but you don't understand, this person has always been stubborn/rude/lazy/unmotivated/aggressive/anxious' are very normal.

Hi there yes it’s all so complicated. I sympathize as Îm trying to help from a distance too. Trying not to have any arguments with sibling because we are both doing the best we can but the pressure of it all can make us snarky with each other sometimes. I do go to help for a few days / week very regularly as I’m trying my best out of love for LO with dementia (but still capacity )but also for my siblings sake Îm not leaving them to deal with it alone. It just wouldn’t be fair. Neither of us are getting any younger either, still working ( thankfully i can wfh) and have other responsibilities. This is a marathon !! Best wishes and strength to anyone reading who’s caring for someone.

Thst is very interesting @AnnaMagnani What do you mean by the signs being there when you cleared out his office, if you don't mind me asking?

I’m wondering whether you may have spoken to me at some point 🤣

@Frostandfrogs massive thank you for the link to Chris Mills and Anna Lisa Barbieri session. It was so interesting and resonated so much. A few things really stood out for me especially us not being the daughters she wanted. We cannot change that. Also the phrase ‘emotionally imprisoned’ really hit home as I can see we are quite literally tethered to Mums emotionally destructive behaviour. We quite simply are the only people left she has not alienated. They also discussed the past use of phrases such as ‘you’ll be the death of me’ - and that was something we all grew up with so our brains are programmed to always be anxious about that. We clearly have not been the death of her but that hyperbolic language is part of the relationship. What I am hoping to do is have a sensible conversation accepting we cannot change her behaviour but we can change how we behave around her. Hugs to everyone in this situation. https://open.spotify.com/episode/0RGM9yfSgTN20yDJ2M6rUR?si=yzXH2XQQQ3O0TNyF1VxIxg&nd=1&product=open&%24full_url=https%3A%2F%2Fopen.spotify.com%2Fepisode%2F0RGM9yfSgTN20yDJ2M6rUR%3Fsi%3DyzXH2XQQQ3O0TNyF1VxIxg&feature=organic&_branch_match_id=1309466131574270617&utm_medium=organic&_branch_referrer=H4sIAAAAAAAAA72N3QqCMACFn2Ze%2BjNDKJAIxH5AQ7PoLtbcdLi2MSe4nr4Z9ArBuTicj4%2FTG6PGTRCMShpGrY%2BU8jkTQ7BVWrYTNqlURHgArujE%2BWPSPO0XBcQ7AHOXBfs%2FG8uXm4hio2yJa2G9L9aWXrqmhKHNTrBI9LUGcT4yEGf2fT%2FAe1VV8TlsSptHt%2Fk4d98vxPkT4eEffwAmonU08ihBZtIklbpDguEP5Gyt7RsBAAA%3D

@Frostandfrogs by signs being there, FIL was someone who always spent a lot of time in his office. He kept a lot of notebooks as reminders and to monitor progress of whatever he was doing. He also kept paper copies of everything and wasn't great at filing.

However when we cleared out the office it was like going through layers. The top layers were just paper everywhere in total chaos. And loads of notebooks but filled with just random stuff.

When we got into the deeper layers you could see how he actually used his notebooks. And all the paper was piled everywhere but there was a system.

There was a clear 1-2 year layer where his 'system' just turned into chaos.

I can see why MIL just thought 'Oh, he's in his office' as superficially it looked the same.

Interestingly he also got into painting in retirement. Just before the date we could give for him not maintaining the office, he gave up painting. His family thought he didn't like it anymore but with hindsight, his brain had lost the ability to initiate the activity each day.

@AnnaMagnani @Frostandfrogs it is interesting looking at personality in all of this. Clearly our personalities have a massive impact on how we view life. It kind of helps ( sometimes 🙄) reminding myself my mum has always been negative - except when things have gone her way. We used to ‘laugh’ at her ridiculous comments but with hindsight I really wish we had called her out as her brain seems programmed to say ‘no’ to everything or criticise it. The pulling in of us all with what is wrong with everything and everyone but not then being able to engage with help is exhausting. For me, and I wont speak for my siblings here, it does feel Mum ‘enjoys’, wrong word I know, the attention she gets, even if it is negative attention. There is definitely defiance in play where even when someone does something that helps her immediate reaction is to criticise it/them. It is as though she is disappointed that a problem has been solved.

Sounds like personality disorder or maybe her worsening behaviour would indicate cognitive impairment or dementia . Can a family member assess her.The gp will need to know how she is managing at home.Is she neglecting her hygiene , leaving food to rot? Is she falling ? How is her mood ? What meds is she on ?Is she incontinent and able to manage this .Is she sleeping or having nightmares.We had a baby monitor for my mother which showed she was up at night roaming and not sleeping .Ask gp for a mental health community team referral .

@JoBoJoBo it’s so tricky. Wy sister and I have known for decades my Mum has a personality disorder. Our brother just cannot see it. For the record we’ve had lots of extremely good therapy. Our mother is a narcissist or at the best a difficult person. Our brother just thinks our mother is wonderful. Pity he is unaware she dislikes him 🙄

I need some advice my mother in law has recently moved back to the same area as her children she was living 40 miles away with one of her daughters. She has five children that live around here but none of her children except from my husband are helping or even trying to help. But even she doesn’t expect them only my husband to do everything .my husband asked his brother if he could take her shopping this weekend and he rung while we was there about going on Sunday and she said my husband would be taking her shopping and he didn’t need to .

any advice

sal

@Sadless sorry to hear this. Start a new thread would be my advice dedicated to your issues

Neither he nor Mum like dealing with any reality in life - they were my sisters words to be fair and she is spot on.

@BlueLegume Well that explains his attitude, he’s waiting for you and your sister to deal with everything, because he “doesn’t” deal with things (aka he refuses to)!
If he were truly concerned, he’d take action.