Care home - how often do you visit?

[RoseNy]

I just wanted to get some idea of what I should be doing? Parent is going into a care home, has dementia and doesn't really have any awareness of places/people etc. I will be the only visitor, but how often should this be?

If you have a parent in a care home or if you work in one, what is the norm, or the normal range?

If you're like me you'll probably visit quite often at first but then you'll settle into a routine that suits you and your parent.

DM has been in a residential home for almost a year (diagnosed with mixed Alzheimer's and vascular dementia last summer, but currently ok with the medication). At first DSis and I would both visit 2 days midweek and weekends, but now DSis goes Saturday, I go Sunday. The visiting was getting a bit too much, we had hardly any time for ourselves (we both work full time) and felt guilty dropping the visiting to just weekends. But DM's very happy and settled there now , has made some lovely friends. She's well looked after and communication with the carers / managers is faultless, we're kept up to date with everything - not just the serious stuff like a fall or sickness etc

We see the same visitors most weekends with the same few residents but sadly some residents don't get any visitors at all, or few and far between.

As things settle you'll come to a natural routine but don't feel guilty about looking after yourself too.

As PP says many of the residents won't get any visitors so anything will be more than that. We've settled into a routine where I go on a weekend day and my brother goes mid week.

We were given good advice which is that once dementia reaches this stage it is all about feelings. So a visit once a week will help them feel loved and that people care about them, but they won't know/care that it's once a week instead of every day or if you don't make one week because you are on holiday. Length of visit also isn't important - half an hour is fine.

It's a huge variance; we've had anywhere from every single day, to never. Personally I think never is sad, and I find it a bit slack. If I had to guess an average, I'd say maybe once a month. And just so you know, the staff are very understanding. A lot of family members are still working full-time, some have other unwell family members as well (for eg one parent may be in a care home, the other parent may be still at home but needs help, and then there's the inlaws to check on as well), and many family members are babysitters for the grand kids etc etc. It can be a busy period of life for the families, so please don't feel bad if you can't fit in more visits.

Every day just like I did when they were able to live at home

I try to go twice a week and usually stay for about an hour. My mum has dementia and I'm pretty sure has no idea who I am.

I do once a week come rain or shine but I’m six years in. At the beginning it was twice a week but we have little to say now.

I’ll be honest and say it has ground me down and I dread each visit. But I’ll be there again next week.

Mum was in a care home with advanced dementia for the last 2.5 years of her life. My dsis (retired) visited every day - unless she was ill or I was visiting. I lived a couple of hundred miles away, had a full time job and youngish family but would go and stay with my sister every couple of months for a few days and take over the daily visits to give my dsis a break.

My mum has just gone into a care home and I’m wondering about this.

I visited every three days before Covid for about two hours. Since Covid it’s been once a week, for an hour or a little more. I’m trying to slowly increase it because I think it won’t go on for ever but haven’t yet succeeded in establishing once every six days. DS2 goes about once a fortnight, and DS1 occasionally. I also send him a two page email every week, which they print out for him. He used to read it himself, now they read it to him.

Although my Dad still recognises me and his face lights up when he sees me, I see the main purpose of visiting as being to demonstrate that this is a loved and cherished person. Although Dad’s doing that for himself - he’s unfailing polite to the “helpers” and they clearly like him as a result.

When DM moved in she was in isolation because of Covid and we (my cousin and I) visited every day but once she was mixing with others we got into a routine of visiting once a week on a Friday and my uncle would visit every Tuesday. Two and a half years in and she has deteriorated physically and mentally, not always sure who we are but always happy to have visitors. It was getting very hard for my DU to visit as she has very little to say and doesn't always respond when we speak to her so now I visit with him as well so I go twice a week.

As @MereDintofPandiculation one of my biggest motivations for visiting is to show to her and anyone else that she is loved and valued although the staff always say that they love her and wish they had a home full of people like her.

Twice a week for about an hour. It seems to work and I am able to fit it in OK without being overloaded.

Another point - when DM first went into the home, one of the senior carers told me she didn't want to see me every day! DM's life is important, but so is mine. I've never forgotten that and it eased the guilt when we reduced our visiting to weekends.

When my mother was in palliative nursing care at a care home, my father (then 92) visited every day. I think he missed 2 because of a cold or something in the 6 months she was there. I visited 2-3 times every week.

I think once they have reached the point where they have no idea who you are then once a week so that you can check they're OK is fine. Make sure they're clean, well-hydrated and check pressure points if you can; make sure they are booked in for a hair cut when they need it, etc. You also need to keep an eye on their clothes and incontinence pads as these can go missing.

When my dad was in a care home my mum visited him every other day and I visited once a fortnight. It was 'lucky' really that he died after a couple of months there because the visits were pretty awful for everyone involved! I think if he had lived longer then we would have cut it down to once a week visits.

When my godmother was in one, I went twice a week and I'd paint her nails, read to her and just chat, she had 3 sons and 7 grandsons who all visited regular. She passed away and I still carried on going till lockdown. I use to just sit and chat with residence. I did check first and I'm crb checked and was never in their rooms before any judgements are made.
Some residence would have daily visitors and some none, one lady use to come and would cry the whole time as she felt guilty her husband had to go in their, he wasn't aware and she adjusted.

I would respectfully suggest it does not matter what the born is - rather you need to find a routine that suits you and your family member.
My Great Aunt really struggled to settle initially so my visits had a different purpose - to calm her down and reassure her.
Once she was settled I cut visits down to 2/3 times midweek ( generally 1-2hours) and longer visit Saturdays (3 hours but at an earlier time in day) . Also occasionally visited Sundays if she requested/ didn’t want us to leave on the Saturday then I told her I would be back the next day 🙈.
She would have had me visiting every day but I couldn’t with working 30 hours a week.
Towards the end midweek visits I tended to make shorter ( only an hour) as she seemed tired out by the stimulation. I seen the purpose of the visit to make her happy/ feel loved encourage exercise ( mini walks on corridors even) and give stimulation ( I took her on outing occasionally)
My kids always came with me and got to know the staff and other residents. I was lucky because they were 1/2 & 3/4 I was able to manage them in setting with pre- packed activities & some bribery. I had been my Aunts cater for years so we were honestly used to our lives revolving around her for years
Just to add my Aunt was so much more content in care home- having someone constantly available to her reassured her - I hope your parent settles well

If they don't know who you are, then it's just about easing your own guilt, rather than actually having quality time together. Once a week to make sure they're okay, have everything they need etc, would be fine. Or, if there are a few of you who visit, alternate weeks. It's so difficult but you have to be able to live your own life. Dementia is a horrible illness - you "lose" the person long before they die, and in many ways it's just like visiting a stranger. Visiting all the time is likely to take more of a toll on you than only visiting once a week. Take care of yourself. The parent they were before the illness would have wanted that for you.

I had written a long note about our families visiting habits. Deleted it. Made me sad.

But basically visit as often as you are comfortable with, don't be guilted into visiting if you don't want to, don't pressurise people to visit if they don't want to. Don't visit for 'show'.

And as is said quite frequently here don't forget to put in your own oxygen mask first.

I only went about once a week for quite a while, and TBH I sometimes chickened out, just couldn’t face it, because of the endless, ‘Have you come to take me home?’ and the angry accusations that we’d only put her (DM) there because we were intent on stealing her money. I did just once try to say, ‘Have you any idea what this place costs? If we were just after your money we’d have left you at home!’

Of course any such reasoning was useless - her dementia was quite bad by then, she had no idea that she could no longer even make herself a cup of tea - and had so often been anxious and frightened (of things she could not even name) at home.
In her head she was absolutely fine.

It did gradually get easier - I developed strategies for coping with the ‘home’ issue. One fib that worked very well (DM had been an inveterate ‘mover’ and had often talked of moving to ‘a little flat’) so I started saying that I was looking for a really nice flat for her, just down the road from me, and as soon as I found one, we’d go and have a look together.

Given that short term memory was zero, could repeat this ad lib - it always pacified her.

Visiting once a week was the norm, but she never knew whether I’d been or not. I once went back after barely 2 minutes to retrieve a cardigan or something - she genuinely had no idea that I’d only just left.

Sad to say, the easiest visits were after she no longer recognised me, except as the ‘nice lady’ who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate. 🙁

Would phone calls work too?

Thanks everyone, sadly his decline has been quite rapid after a period of illness so we went from a bit of mild impairment which was slowly getting worse to real loss of cognition. He doesn't know my name but as a PP mentioned he does know my face, has no idea of time or whether I am there or not etc.

Visits are tough as there is no conversation or anything left and I feel like I'm just dragging the time out before I can leave. I have already lost him and I feel quite detached from the person I have been visiting in hospital this past while.

I think I will go a couple of times a week initially just to ensure all ok but then maybe drop down to once, I hear all the comments about making sure I look after me first, it's such a hard situation to be in.

Thank you all for replying, I know it isn't easy

I don't think there is a norm. I visit mine roughly every 8 weeks for about an hour. She still seems to recognise me but I haven't had a normal non delusional conversation with her since before she went into the home which was about 18 months ago. I usually try to visit when I know there is an activity going on as it's a bit easier than sitting there trying to have a conversation with someone who has long since lost the ability to read conversational cues. I find it a massive strain but possibly less so than if we had been close before all this. I do really like one of the carers there and enjoy talking to her so that at least makes it bearable.

If mum stops recognising me or starts kicking off when I visit then I will stop going. She's not at that stage yet though.

My brother doesn't visit her at all.

As others have said there's no right or wrong answer.

In the beginning you tend to visit more just to ensure they are settling in. With my dad he was in a nursing home for almost a year, and for the first few weeks we tried to visit every day, but then we settled into a routine after a while of my mum visiting twice during the week, and then me and my sister took a day each at the weekend.

However he didn't know us at all at that stage. He was well looked after, but wasn't good at eating so I would always try and make sure he ate something for me. Also, we were fortunate that we lived within a short distance of the nursing home.

I agree it's very sad when you know some people don't get any visitors at all. Although you don't know the circumstances and it can put a huge strain on families. Now my dad is gone, I'm glad we spent that time with him, and got to know the care workers there also, they knew us all by name. I think it helped to make sure they always kept an eye on him, knowing we would be in with him every few days.

Just to say also, in the beginning I used to find it very stressful trying to ensure that we 'made the most of the time' and did something meaningful with my dad. But after a while I just realised that even sitting with him and holding his hand, or helping him eat was something.

‘No visitors’….I had to stop visiting DM after the stroke led to vascular dementia. She would try to attack me, hit me with her walking stick, shout….it was alarming, not just for me, but because I thought that she might have another stroke as a result. I discussed it with the care home management, they agreed that the visits were counterproductive. I rang every week to check on her, and had face to face visits with staff every few weeks.

Before that, I visited the ‘more able’ home every week for eleven years.