Care home - how often do you visit?

[RoseNy]

I just wanted to get some idea of what I should be doing? Parent is going into a care home, has dementia and doesn't really have any awareness of places/people etc. I will be the only visitor, but how often should this be?

If you have a parent in a care home or if you work in one, what is the norm, or the normal range?

I visit every few weeks to a month. My DF goes 2-3 times a week. My DM is very far down the end of the road now with vascular dementia. At the start it was just unpleasant as she was aggressive and now she's just an empty shell. Hasn't known who I am in years. We keep thinking she is dying, I keep saying goodbyes. I get nothing out of the visits, neither does she. I doubt she's even aware someone is there. I go out of 'duty' but I long made my peace, my DM is not there anymore, I lost her a long time ago.

There's no perfect amount. DH used to pop in to see his Mum once a week for about half an hour.
Not sure she recognised him every time but it meant he was keeping an eye on her and the home knew she had family nearby who were interested and engaged with her welfare.
Prior to this we probably saw PIL maybe 4 or 5 times a year so this was much more than he'd seen her before. (They lived further away but after FIL died and MIL couldn't live alone, we brought her to live closer to us).
Sometimes MIL was pleased to see us, often not! I think she often thought DH was her husband and was annoyed at him for not taking her home.

When my grandmother (with dementia) was in a care home we would visit once a week (on a Sunday at 4pm). My uncle visited most days (the care home was only 10 minutes walk). I was very impressed with his dedication and commitment.

My Dad is now in a care home, temporarily (hopefully) but my aim is to visit twice a week (care home is 40 minutes away). He also has a number of other family members who visit regularly.

I think it really depends on the circumstances too. If my DM was in a care home but had most of her faculties and understanding, I'd go once a week.

The closest of my siblings to my mother is 8 hours away by train so not very often! The rest of us all live in other countries. She did choose to move back to where she was from when we all lived a long way away so it was her choice.

Once or twice a week.

I work in a care home and it really varies. Some several times a week, some only on events such as birthdays or mothers day. Some never recieve visits at all.
Just wanted to say, we never judge as there are so many different factors to it. It can be very distressing for some to see their loved one like it.

I visited my father twice a week. But he hadn’t dementia , we could still have conversations. And the care home was very nearby and I was his only relative.

But when he died i hadn’t visited him for 2 weeks because i had covid. And i felt so sad about it… i couldn’t really remember my last visit and i felt like i had left him alone.
People in care homes are often very fragile, think about it what would be an acceptable period for you not seeing eachother, because any visit might be the last.

Some of the things that I did with my dad in the late stages when he couldn’t converse were take in some sewing and do that while I sat with him (he seemed to find that quite comforting), read to him (well-known poems were the biggest hit), or listen to music together.

My mum went in a care home in December. I went a lot at first until she accepted it. I now go Wednesday and Sunday. Im an only one, and she rarely gets anyone else going. I’m retired and pick my DGC twice a week from school so like to keep the other three days for me and DH.

My father was in a home 5 minutes from home and I visited every day. On the other hand, my grand mother was 250 miles away and I could only visit in the school holidays, so every 6 or 7 weeks. Even when the elderly don’t actually recognise their family members, they are left with a nice feeling after a visit.

You can’t depend on ‘nice feelings’ once they no longer recognise their family. My dd2, in her 20s, went to visit my mother on her birthday, armed with flowers and her favourite chocolates.
‘Happy Birthday Granny!’
A very grumpy, ‘I’m not your granny!’ was the reply.

Luckily dd was clued up enough about dementia not to be upset.

No, not all of them are left with a nice feeling after a visit. My friend eventually had to stop visiting her mum because she no longer recognised her and became very distressed by the visits to the point of being violent. I am prepared for the same to happen with my mum but obviously hope it doesn't.

I agree that once conversation is hard other immediate activities are good. I read to my mum alot. Poetry, magazine articles etc She just likes the sound of my voice. Jigsaws are another good one, or games like Solitare so essentially you doing the activity but can chat about it. Short youtube/facebook videos also worked well for us. Walks round the garden are great if that is an option.

Nope.

Not my experience at all. My DM is literally staring at the wall. She doesn't look at anything, she doesn't hear anything. There is no interest. There is no joy.

perhaps those activities don't interest your mother but they can stop you as the visitor going off your head trying to hold conversation. or you make the decision not to go anymore. your choice.

I go about once a week for up to an hour. My Mam seems to quite like the visits and other times she couldn't care less that I'm there. Sometimes if I'm in the area I pop in an extra time through the week just to say hi.

My Mam still remembers me and is quite chilled so it's not too bad although I can't say I ever particularly look forward to visiting.

My siblings visit far less frequently, once a month or once every 2-3 months. My Mam doesn't always know who they are and it can be quite upsetting for them.

It's a bit shit, I'm about 20 years younger than all of the other people visiting their parents, working full time in a job with quite a bit of international travel and have 2 school aged kids. Much as I feel guilty about not going more, I do as much as I can.

Even if the person doesn't recognise you I would still be wanting to go as often as possible to check up on how well they are being cared for.

My Mum spent time in a place that looked very nice but the staff would regularly ignore the residents buzzers and just sit in the lounge watching TV. She then moved to somewhere which was a lot less posh looking but had very caring and dedicated staff.

Interesting that you say that, *@msbevvy . We looked at so many different care homes for both FiL and my DM, and soon learned to pay no attention to smart ‘Homes and Gardens’ decor - IMO it’s often there largely to influence relatives who are choosing. Especially when there’s dementia, cosy and homely, with cheerful, friendly staff, are far more important.

I go once or twice a week. Mum has advanced dementia too. I'll often take her out in her wheelchair for a walk around the park and a coffee. Or if it's too wet for that, I'll bring the Sunday papers or some magazines and I'll read them out to her while we have a coffee. I also have a play list on my phone of songs from her teenage years and I'll bring headphones so she can listen to that.

I live a 3-4 hour return journey from my mum's care facility, and was a five hour return journey from my MIL's. In the first year or so if visit mum every two weeks and my MIL every three. After that the gaps expanded a little. In the latter stage when my late MIL was barely aware that I was there and didn't really get anything positive from my presence, I was really only going for myself, because I loved her and also wanted the connection with the carers. So it was maybe once every month.

My mum is very difficult and my visits are duty only. My brother popsin once a week as he's local, but he's the one who tells me not to waste my time. I go up every five or six weeks.

It depends on your schedule really and how she reacts during and after the visit. I have some family members that I wish would just call us as their family member becomes so distressed post visit. I do enjoy the daily visitors though, we build quite a nice relationship with them and it's nice that you know they'll be in so you can discuss what you need to with them. It's such a huge variation but find out what works for you and your family member.

My top visiting tips are avoid mealtimes unless your family member needs assistance and you're willing to help with that (gotta love the families that come and help assist!). And engage with the staff, ask if they need anything etc. We just appreciate that the family care, even if it's once a month or every day that they visit. Call once a week if the visits are too distressing for you or family member, just to check in. It's so busy it's hard to get round to calling family for mundane things such as needing some shower gel.

Oh and do let them know if you're going on holiday or won't be in for a while! We usually make a note in the diary/handover so we know not to expect you and to either call alternative person should something happen or only call you in absolute emergency!

Until it became impossible to get her in the car (she had forgotten what to do with her arms and legs and would get in a panic if I tried to help) I often used to drive my mother from the care home to a huge park not far away, drive right around it before stopping in a car park with a nice view. I’d take a flask of tea and some little cakes.

There was a kiosk selling ice cream, which she loved, but I’d have to be able to park very close to it, where she could see me, otherwise even if I was only gone very briefly she’d forget and get in a panic. Even with a piece of paper on her lap saying I’M GETTING ICE CREAMS - BACK IN TWO MINUTES in big letters.🙁

I once pretended that my DM was going to be distressed by a visit, when a relation visiting from Canada wanted to see her. DM had never liked her much anyway, and although I knew she wouldn’t actually be bothered, I knew her former self would have really hated for that relative to witness her state of pretty advanced dementia.