Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

[AonRudEile]

Just like the title really.
Where do you find the time to be you ?

know people don't have to shower every day but when it's 3 days running then you feel you have to

nope. They can make do with a flannel and soap and warm water and a “good wash” like I’m sure they did in their younger days before daily showers became the norm. If there’s a medical need for a daily shower then they need reassessing by social care and they can arrange for a carer visit to do that.

sorry if I’m sounding hard OP but you really have to get yourself (and your parents) out of the mindset that you are the one that has to step up to do everything. Come over to the cockroach cafe thread where the exhausted bad daughters gather for cake and gin.

This is madness. They need to move closer to you, move into a care home or they take their chances with the other sibling/s and you visit once a month. You cannot do that kind of distance with that intensity without your kids paying the price.

One other sibling....but half hearted, can't depend on him to answer phone , lives v close to them

If they won't help to share the burden equally then your DPs have to spend savings to get to this. You organise the online shop and the carers/cleaner going in but your visits are to see them not to do chores - if they want something done they apply for attendance allowance and pay for it

Outsource the cleaning and ordered online shopping to be delivered to them. You might even find an agency who will clean and shop.

You make good points.

Social Work eventually reassessed my mum and increased her showers.

I didn't want to say too much, but I think I'm still suffering from burnout from my years as a carer. Mum became unwell a couple of years after I married.

Unfortunately, I never carried a child to full term. However, at one point I was holding down a full-time job and running around between work, my parents' place and my place - I was caring for both my parents and my husband. Cut my hours to 4 days 6 yrs ago and then retired early with a reduced pension 5 yrs ago.

DH died 3 yrs ago and I'm now on my own. My social life pretty much disappeared while I was caring. I'm now back working 2 days a week. I'm 63. I started my caring role when I was in my 30s.

I would never have expected DH's adult children to provide personal care for them, but it would have been nice if they'd helped give me a break from time to time.

I finally cracked a couple of months after the funeral. That's why the kids aren't speaking to me.

I don't think that DH's kids would ever have stepped up, OP - the last I heard from them was when the solicitor got a phone call from one of them to say that a cheque had "bounced"* but maybe it's time for you to tell your sibling a few hard truths.

Maybe your sibling will take heed if you point out that if you collapse, your parents will finish up in a home and any inheritance will disappear?

You want to know how to carve out time, OP. Don't make my mistake. Learn to be 'selfish'. You're no good to other folk if you collapse.

*It hadn't. The bank had thought that I was being scammed. They had paid out the first cheque and stopped the other two. They hadn't been able to get hold of me because I was in hospital getting a long delayed gynae procedure. That's the problem with caring - your own health goes on the backburner and you get no thanks for it.

Thank you for all your support and messages. I m just overwhelmed at times at its lovely to get the support from those who understand. One parent who is not in grest health at all ( arthritis and other problems caring for another who is immobile) and the guilt gets to me. Good night and I ll report back tomorrow

Thank you. Words I need to hear

Sorry you and your family are going through this. Can I ask why they don’t have carers in daily? If it’s affordable, that would be my next step. My parents first resisted carers at all, but finally got them in daily. Now have twice a day and it’s been transformational.

Are they both getting attendance allowance? Local charities are incredible at getting the forms written successfully. Don’t try to do it on your own. Two lots of attendance allowance will make a dent into care costs.

My parents both have dementia and my experience is that the best use of my time is essentially admin. Making contact with local services, charities, social care, care agency etc has been hugely helpful to me.

Tell your parents, very clearly, that you have to devote time to your own family now. They need to sort EVERYTHING out for themselves going forward. It is best that they do this now while they are still able to do that. If your brother won't help then just don't expect him to. Be sure not to have any contact with him, though. If he is a disappointment, just don't have anything to do with him. Your own family needs to come first, OP.

One more thing @AonRudEile - you say the care they receive four days a week is from social services? When did they last have a needs assessment? If things have deteriorated, you can ask for another. They may decide your parents should be getting more care.

Why are you looking after your parents when you have your own family to look after

you’ll find that sourcing and organising and managing paid help will turn into it’s own job too in the long run

Wise words from @funnelfan

You cut down on the number of visits. The things that only you can do are: spending quality time as a daughter (and that can be by phone); advocating for them if they need it; helping them make decisions. Outsource everything else. As PP said, help them get Attendance Allowance - both of them. It's not means tested.

Sorry to keep posting so much, but just wanted to say I totally understand why you’re doing this. The worry is so all consuming. There’s lots of support out there, but it takes energy to access it. My first step would be a local carers charity. Good luck x

Your parents are adults

They need to sort out their own shit

I sound heartless but for a start you shouldn't feel guilty

Why on earth do you feel guilty

If they want to come over and help then it's up to them to move closer to you

Not for you to drive ages to them to clean and shop which can be done by anyone

tell your brother you’re near breaking point and he is in charge of mid week wash and you will do weekend wash from now on. If he can’t and pulls out tell him you can’t help either and ask him to resolve the gap himself. Don't rescue him or them. Worst outcome is they have a flannel wash.

Maybe the carers could visit every other day instead?

Have you an Employee Assistance Program at work? I think they are brilliant for situations like this at getting your head clear.

Re: your parents
You are not their spouse or their carer so stop feeling responsible for them

It’s a really difficult balance to get so get some help with it. Good luck x

Outsource anything that does not require daughter parent relationship. The time spent with parents should be for a chat and pleasure. It should be quality time. U will resent the time spent there otherwise. U could go round with a takeaway, share it together, chat, wash dishes and have a leisurely drive home. If u did this one particular night it could end up being something to look forward to.

OP we are in year 10 2
Wiith no sign of an end. Every time you feel guilty remind yourself how long this could go on for.

Come and join us here, OP

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4967638-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die-2

I know you’re trying to be helpful @PleaseenterausernameXbut it does grind my gears that it’s the women in families who end up sacrificing their income, careers and pension pots (along with hobbies, interests and mental & physical health) being everyone’s default “support unit”

The OP is asking how she gets some time for herself. My suggestion that she considers part time (if it's even an option) is so the doesn't damage her mental and physical health putting others before herself.

Op why don't you read the other thread in this section on POA. Just say no. Get them to pay for such services do you don't have to. Stand up for yourself and say no.

It is so hard OP and lots of good advice above.
In terms of the getting some time to myself: I have 3 teens still at home (work f/t and have a chronic illness and elderly parents so get the pain).
My teens are now responsible for each cooking once a week:
Washing up/tidying kitchen every day and doing their own washing. DH and I cook twice a week.
Means they are learning skills, and taking the pressure off me.

Her parents are her family! Presumably OP loves them and wants to support them now they are old and vulnerable.