Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

[AonRudEile]

Just like the title really.
Where do you find the time to be you ?

No.

Too many women become the default carers for everyone in the family, including their parents, husbands' parents, husbands and children.

It is not acceptable or sustainable.

Women who struggle with this caring burden have shorter lives and chronic illnesses themselves.

It's always women who suffer.

Women who struggle with this caring burden have shorter lives and chronic illnesses themselves.

Hence I'm offering going part time as an option.

And BTW @PleaseenterausernameX if the OP was a GP or Consultant Surgeon, I bet you wouldn't be suggesting that she went part time, just so that she could go round twice a week to wash her parents and clean their kitchen.

You're not getting the point. Why should she? Why can't she tell her parents to sort out their own care?

Why should she sacrifice her health and her financial security to care for her parents?

It's just because she's female that she (and society in general) is expecting her to be a carer.

Just another voice to say, if something can be done perfectly well by someone else, outsource it. That definitely includes a midweek kitchen clean (nooooooooo) and showering.

The important, irreplaceable thing is your relationship with your parents as a daughter. A weekly visit you both enjoy, perhaps taking your teens on a rota (1:1 driving time with each one?) is still going to be quite a physical load, but will have real value - spending time, chatting, helping them think through problems (standard answer 'oh that sounds tricky, how are you gong to fix that?') You're still going to speak to them in the week. You're still going to end up wrangling issues with carers, cleaners, hospitals, social workers, GPs etc etc etc. That's still a lot.

You are precious and important. Don't waste your energy cleaning their bloody microwave.

@AonRudEile have you contacted their local Age UK? They will be able to give you sobe information about services local to then that can help. Also echo PP to get them attendance allowance to help with paying fir additional help

id also check out if there’s a Carers support service near you - you can talk to people there in the same position as you which can help both with practical advice but also so you don’t feel so alone

Definitely apply for attendance allowance.
I'd agree with one visit a week. Midweek cleaning can be done by someone else, as can help with showering. Parent may not like it but you are doing too much.
Your kids are teens and do still need you. They won't be at home much longer either. You can give your parents more time when your own parenting demands reduce.
There's only one of you and you can only do so much. Step back now as the demands will only escalate - get external help.

Decide to go just once per week. Drive up at a time when learn to drive teen wants the practise.
Try to outsource and get sibling to be responsible for one drop in per week too.
Have your sibling pick up and unpack shopping and do a quick clean and welfare check and also sibling could be asked to go to every second DR appointment.
You will only have less to do if you give up going there so often.
It is importnat that sibling becomes aquainted with their needs and also useful if your teens all know what you do.
There might come a time when most caring is out sourced. Sibling, if non ignorant, will understand and support this more readily.

Go part time for herself maybe yes , not for extra caring.

Sibling, if non ignorant, will understand and support this more readily

I really doubt this.

OP's sibling has, very sensibly, decided not to do any caring.

It's the parents whose mindset needs to change. Not the OP's brother's.

I am with you on this @PleaseenterausernameX .
My parents are becoming more demanding and time-consuming as they age and although I do get frustrated, I am frankly appalled at some of the responses on here.
I get that you can't be expected to do everything and you have to a certain extent look at things dispassionately but honestly, the coldness of some posters.
Obviously the OP needs to cut back the regular visits and prioritise needs rather than wants, but to treat people who brought you up in such a callous way as some are suggesting makes me so sad.
We have become so self-centered now.

How about the OP does less of the unnecessary travelling to do non-essential tasks and learns to let go of some of the guilt in order to find time for herself.

Oh give over with your pearl clutching.

No one is saying to OP to abandon her parents. But if you read any of the other long running support threads in this board you’ll find plenty of burned out daughters, some of whom are seriously damaged physically and mentally. It’s impossible to keep giving of yourself and OP is already starting to struggle herself.

learning how to detach and how to prioritise is an essential step in caring, especially for elderly relatives who have unreasonable expectations.

Morning @AonRudEile . I hope you got a good nights sleep. This thread went off on a bit of a tangent in the wee hours 😁

Someone once said that I should concentrate on the quality of communication with my parents, rather than on quality of life. That’s really stuck with me. I was so focussed on trying to make everything better for them day by day, when one of the best things I can do is just to enjoy our relationship in the moment (where possible!)

The harsh truth is that you can't do it all.

You need to prioritise your own family and yourself and your financial situation.

Your sibling has made it clear with his behaviour that he is not willing to help. So there is no point in trying to flog a dead horse.

So you need to accept that this can't carry on. You need an assessment by social services to get daily support for your parents and to make it clear that you can no longer plug the gaps.

If they both have serious health issues it is also time to accept they might no longer be able to live independently.

Women really need to stop trying to be everything to everyone. It just isn't possible and it I not worth sacrificing your entire life and health. You are not a health care professional and your can't provide 24/7 care.

Daft as well to suggest the teenagers should help or the OP should go part-time. That would put the family's financial health at risk and teenagers need to focus on their school work and be allowed to be kids, not carers.

I looked after my dad for 2 years before he died. I’ve got 2 primary school aged children. He lived 30 minutes away from me.
I dropped down my hours to 12 hours a week.
It was a choice I made. I knew it would be for 1-3 years with his age and health conditions.
Family life suffered, I had no time for myself, I was stressed to the hilt, but it was a choice that I made because I wanted to. I knew he wanted me to look after him rather than carers. We need need help in the last 2 months, but I was still very much involved.
All I’m saying is, if you commit to it, the reality is you don’t get any me time, so you have to think about how long that is sustainable for you. 2 years was max for me. I was at breaking point by the end.
I do understand how you feel, you love them and want to help them, but also have your life to lead and you can’t really balance the two, I found it was one or the other

Not much warmth in the OP's post - social care 4 days a week, OP visits twice a week, children late teens (uni, learning to drive). A tricky stage of life OP when although I am sure you could make things a bit better, it will pass and maybe think about giving a but back.

@AonRudEile if this thread is going to descend into a bun fight then I strongly recommend joining either or both of the linked ongoing support threads on this board where you will find lots of useful day to day hints and tips. Cockroach cafe in particular has been a godsend for me. Good luck.

When my DF died and left DM on her own (he'd been her carer) we used Carers (arranged by Social Care) to make sure DM got a shower. Food shopping was done online by me and delivered to her by Tesco with a few extra bits bought from M&S by lovely NDN, who went there every week anyway. We employed a weekly cleaner - most food was microwaved meals anyway so not a lot of mess .
I then went over for a day at the weekend and would do any bits needed (including changing the bed, which carers were supposed to do, but there wasn't the time) DH would do the garden - although if he hadn't been able to, we'd have got a gardener in. Sibling did any appointments in the week as he had flexibility in his job. (We were both 75 miles away from DM).

You cannot do it all, your parents shouldn't expect it and you shouldn't feel guilty. You have to work and care for your own family.

Op, outsource the care.
Dh needs to step up with the teens.
Book a half day at the weekend, that is permanent every single weekend for you, do not compromise your well being. Not for anyone.

Take a day off with dh, plan a schedule so everyone has their needs met. Organise the care for your parents. They may need to consider residential care. It’s not your responsibility op to care for the world, only yourself and any minors.

The OP is knackered and you have the nerve to criticise her for lack of warmth! The bloody cheek.

No one is saying to OP to abandon her parents

OP's sibling has, very sensibly, decided not to do any caring.
Your parents are adults They need to sort out their own shit

That sounds like abandonment to me

OP I'm in a similar situation, 2 teens, full time and elderly parents. The guilt, worry and pressure is all consuming. I am struggling to do as others say and step back. My Dad has in the past asked me to come over to set the table, thinks I should do more etc. You have to be realistic and be kind to yourself, if you burnout you are no help to anyone. My kids are my priority. I love my parents and try to help when I can but I could be looking at 10years of caring and it's not sustainable, especially if it's just because they don't want other people in. Please join cockroach cafe.

It's also interesting that my DB is much better than me at not getting overburdened, partially because he lives further away but I also think because he is a man he doesn't feel the same sense of responsibility and I really admire him for that. I also think they wouldn't expect it of him, because he is a man.

No Warmth??? ODFOD

OP is knackered and trying to do everything for everyone and you think she should “give a bit back”

I dunno Mere, I think of abandonment as dumping people at A&E and disappearing. Refusing to be sucked into the vortex of increasing care requirements could be for any number of reasons. Eg someone with strong boundaries (no idea what the brothers relationship with the parents is like), or a crap brother who knows that his sister will pick up the slack.