Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

[AonRudEile]

Just like the title really.
Where do you find the time to be you ?

*were widowed.

I understand the reality of the OP’s situation.

At one point I was working plus caring for 3 adults and I’ve still not recovered. That was with help from social services.

OP has been given a great deal of good advice here. I’ll reiterate, however - time to have words with the sibling. If he’s not prepared to help with organising to meet the parents’ needs, I’d be doing my damnedest to ensure that only the OP is named as POA, with either her DH or eldest named as back-up.

@WearyAuldWumman "I doubt that that the money is looked upon in that way, but I’m assuming that you’d at least help them to find a care company if they widowed and in need of a bit of help?"

Absolutely and I think the likely scenario is that DM will outlive DF ( he is 90 and 5 years older) and she has made it clear in that scenario she would like to be in a care home nearby to me, which would be so much better as then I could visit more frequently.

In some cases people actively want to go to a care home, I think if DF wasn't around DM would happily move to one tomorrow. Her world has contracted so much since Covid and I believe she would really enjoy the company and activities in a care home, without the ongoing burden of managing the house ( refuses to get a cleaner) and providing meals.

You shouldn't assume that care homes are to be avoided at all costs.

As you say, it depends on the person.
I got very worried about DH because it became plain that his children would only organise a care home, rather than letting him stay in his own home with care.

One time I got a bit of worrying news about my health, so phoned DH’s daughter to stress that he’d need help if anything happened to me.

”You’re not thinking of leaving him are you?”

I do get frustrated with posts that pass the buck back to the parents.
I can not begin to imagine how frightening it must be when you start to lose your independence, you constantly don't feel well and you are closer to dealing with your own passing and perhaps that of your partners. For some people, it is not an option to say deal with it yourself despite how much it may make you feel like you are drowning. Many want to be there for their parents at this stage in their lives and would regret it if they were not.

In terms of your parents, you need to ensure that they are getting everything they are entitled to. This always gets a lot of criticism when people mention it but is the parent who is not mobile and requires assistance with other care elements entitled to CHC funding? If you phone Beacon it is a free helpline and they are excellent and will talk you through whether this is an option. We used them when we were going through this with my Mum and they were really helpful. If they are entitled it will ensure that the correct care package is in place without any top-up required.

https://beaconchc.co.uk/

We also used an Elder Care Consultant, she helped us get all the benefits that both parents were entitled to. She was also our advocate for the CHC meeting. Whilst she was expensive she more than paid for herself.

I also do understand the problems with siblings not doing their fair share. This is one you have to leave alone. No amount of talking will get them to do their fair share so stressing about it will only increase your stress, you have to find a way to put it to the side.

You don't say much about how much your family help out but I found with my parents and other people I know in the same situation; it becomes about processes. What can you put in place to make it all a bit more efficient so that time you crave on your own or with your family becomes possible? It also becomes about what is important and stop anything that is not.

Maybe the first step would be a family meeting to work out what can be done. I have found that teenagers can step up in these situations. My My 18-year-old niece when my Mum was sick was amazing. I know of other families and their teenage kids have and are incredible. As a family assess what can be stopped, what can everyone help with and is there something that can be put in place or changed that you have not thought about and are blind to because you are so deep in it?

Once you find that time you need to make it sacrosanct so everyone knows you can not be disturbed.

I am with you OP this is such a hard time in your life, I am going through it and I can't offer much more advice other than you are not alone.

Good luck.

@WearyAuldWumman that does sound like that was a very difficult situation for you, but in the OPs case it sounds like she is overextending herself in her efforts to support her DPs.

It feels like there is a very delicate balance between supporting the wishes of the elderly person but not exhausting the resources of the relative who is care giving.

I do agree that some of the posters sound quite harsh in their assessments and it would be genuinely interesting to see how they are coping when they are 85 and in poor health.

I remember my DPs scoffing about granny ringing when we got home from theirs as it was an hours drive, and now - guess what - after I get home I usually get a text or call from DM to make sure I'm safe.

So I don't think we know how we will be when we get old.

So I don't think we know how we will be when we get old.

Amen. My mother cared for her mother. Mum was a SAHP, lived 5 minutes from Grandma and resented bitterly the burden in her life. And Grandma was no where near as bad as mum is now, and lived in a lovely little sheltered housing flat. Yet I live 100 miles away and have a full time job, mum has Parkinson’s and dementia and the family house crumbling around her. I remember clearly some of the exasperated complaints from mum that Grandma claimed not to be able to use the microwave anymore, and it caused a wry smile when mum then started with exactly the same cognitive issues. At least with mum I could recognise it for what it was and don’t let her cognitive issues get to me like grandmas did to her - mum used to correct grandma and it caused angst all round.

All this is a long way round to say mum knew what the issues would be first hand, and yet she did nothing to plan or prevent it happening to her despite knowing what was coming. I’ve come to the conclusion that your ability to make those long term, difficult decisions is one of the first things to go as you age, and as your world shrinks, you get very good at being selfish and sticking your head in the sand. Mum got as far as a will and LPOA, so at least I’ve got the basics I need to do what’s necessary but I’m bitterly resenting that half my weekend is taken up on a four hour round trip where I run around doing tasks and spend very little quality time with her. Not to mention the weeknight paperwork and project management of carers, doctors, hairdressers, handymen etc etc.

so yes some of us may sound harsh but I’m trying to prevent someone else from falling into the same trap. Years ago mum and dad used to joke about “shoot me if I get that bad” etc, and they’d be really cross if they knew that in thirty years time I’d be spending so much time looking after mum. But they didn’t put anything in place to prevent it and they know damn well I wouldn’t turn my back on whichever one of them outlived the other.

my campaign to plan for a suitable location for our retirement has already started with a reluctant DH. And we’re a decade off that point!

All this @funnelfan. My parents live in the middle of nowhere, on a hill, with every exit to their house up/down at least two steps. Access to the garage is up 8 steps. No downstairs toilet and a big garden.
Yet they claim it never occurred to them it would not be a good house to grow old in. My mum is not good with reality and my dad enabled her.
They have a weekly cleaner, who my mum seems more interested in getting to 'turn cupboards out' and clean her crystal than actually get her to do any cleaning, so the house is not as clean as it should be.
My FIL on the other hand is a dream. He lives in a bungalow in the middle of a village with loads of shops and a station. My MIL died three years ago and as soon as she did, he embarked on what I can only describe as a Swedish Death Clean, leaving absiolutely nothing in the house but the bare essentials. He has engaged his local estate agent for when the time comes and has paid for his funeral and made arranmgements with his local undertaker!
When the times comes, it will probably be a case of packing about three boxes and selling up.
My parents on the other hand will throw nothing out and have accumulated so much clutter it will be a long job to sort their house out.
As you say, my mum has been through this with her mother and knows the work it took, but seems oblivious to history repeating itself.

I’m interested @Katypp that knowing as you do first hand the work and stress involved, that you would condemn so forcefully those adult children who would say no, I can’t/won’t do it?

@funnelfan because I think it takes a very hard person to turn your back on the people who raised you. It's that simple for me.

Can you not imagine that not everyone has the same temperament or relationship with their parents?

Of course I can, but I'm not entirely sure some posters on here are even in the situation, just responding how they think it should be.
You don't turn your back on your children when/if they become difficult, so why do it to your parents?
I realsie there are some isolated cases ff abuse, neglect etc but as a general rule, I think telling your elederly parents to 'sort their shit out' is a disgrace.

I agree.

Maybe if I’d told my mother to sort her shit out 10 years ago we’d both be in a much better position.

@funnelfan Well yes, but could you have done that? I couldn't.

But you and @MrsSkylerWhite are assuming this is a deliberate act. It usually isn't.

katypp

Omg I wish my parents had planned all they say is 'we will see what happens' soo frustrating 😳

It has happened (DM terminal cancer and DDad unable to care for himself (never cooked, cleaned etc and proud)

Nightmare 😢

We looked after both in laws - my parents are just about hanging on. It was too much then, and there simply isn’t the time now.

My dh got very stuck in, so it made all the difference but there is no way we could do it now with our working hours.

I feel for you op. But to carve out some Me time, you need to do less. Dont expect your brother to step up - he doesn't want to which is his right, and you can’t make him. Defo don’t expect your kids to help - surely they have their own lives and are busy living them. Your parents need more external help. End of. Alternatively keep doing what you are doing, head slowly to a break down, and neither your parents, nor your own family, will have the pleasure of a healthy you going forward. Please do something to sort this situation before you snap op.

@Katypp have you thought about getting your parents set up with electronic prescriptions? My DM absolutely refused as she enjoyed dropping the slip off at the GP (chat to receptionist), going back two days later to collect (chat to receptionist), drop off at pharmacy (chat to pharmacy assistant), return next day to collect (more chat). Then she couldn't do it when ill one time, refused to let neighbours do it (didn't want to put them out!) and expected me to do a five hour return trip on a workday during working hours to sort it out! After that palaver she realised that electronic prescriptions would have helped and her local pharmacy would deliver too - although I'm not sure if that service is universally available.

It does make an amazing difference - DH recently managed to get a same day prescription issued without even leaving the house!

An additional benefit I've since discovered is that it means their prescription details are on the NHS hub(?) so if they end up in AandE over a weekend it's very easy for hospital staff to find out what drugs they are usually prescribed and the dosage. Otherwise this is almost impossible whilst the GP surgery is closed.

@EmotionalBlackmail That is my.next project!
I said my.mum that there must be an easier way and she cheerfully told me they could be ordered online but she 'didn't do that sort of thing' 🙄
They now get their prescriptions delivered occasionally but my mum is convinced they're doing her a favour so she 'doesn't like to take àdvantage too much'.
Honestly, if it wasn't so annoying it would be funny

Think they must have been reading from the same script as mine! .

As is often the case, it took a crisis to convince mine.

Sadly, needing help with toileting doesn’t come in isolation. When that day dawns, you will be beyond getting to Switzerland under your own steam.

After that palaver she realised that electronic prescriptions would have helped and her local pharmacy would deliver too - although I'm not sure if that service is universally available. But of course she has now lost the social interaction of the 4 chats, the three days when there has been reason for her to leave the house. Lack of social interaction is one of the drivers of dementia. But it’s easier for us to look after the physical safety of our parents than their mental health.

Of course maintaining our own social networks is important for us too, both for our own health and to reduce our dependence on our children.And that’s another reason to maintain boundaries.