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MNHQ have commented on this thread

Elderly parents

So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die 2

983 replies

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 21/12/2023 11:26

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1
Carrying on from our original discussion

So bloody exhausted waiting for someone to die... | Mumsnet

Nobody tells you how utterly draining, exhausting, depressing it is waiting for someone to die when the death has been 'expected' for years. Got told...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/4866628-so-bloody-exhausted-waiting-for-someone-to-die?page=1

OP posts:

Report

CreationNat1on · 21/12/2023 11:34

Agree with you. Prolonging life where there is no quality of life is cruel on everyone, being an enforced carer/slave to the ill. No thanks, I ve no desire to be Mother Theresa, and I understand fully why MT had an extreme empathy deficit as she aged.

TheShellBeach · 21/12/2023 12:02

I've just read your original thread and I hope you're beginning to care for yourself a bit more now.

You've been through a terrible ordeal. I'm so sorry.

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 21/12/2023 12:04

@TheShellBeach sirry the original post was not mine, I've just restarted our discussion

OP posts:

Kendodd · 21/12/2023 12:47

@Poochypaws
Thank you for the original thread. Hope you don't mind, thread 2 started.

Witchyblankets · 21/12/2023 12:57

Thankyou for starting Thread 2. It’s a lifesaver for me

NefretForth · 21/12/2023 13:04

Thanks for the new thread, I feel a bit of a fraud being on here as I'm not carrying half the load some of you are, but it's really helpful to know I'm not alone.

popularinthe80s · 21/12/2023 13:37

@NefretForth I think any level of exposure to this hidden world is traumatic; please join us.
I'm having one of those endlessly weeping about the past we've lost days, so just reading today. But many, many thanks for everyone here, and thank you @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew for starting thread 2.
It needs to be a permanent feature on MN.

popularinthe80s · 21/12/2023 13:39

Oh actually I think @Kendodd started this one. Can't read. Thank you x

JaffaCake24 · 21/12/2023 15:51

popularinthe80s · 21/12/2023 13:37

@NefretForth I think any level of exposure to this hidden world is traumatic; please join us.
I'm having one of those endlessly weeping about the past we've lost days, so just reading today. But many, many thanks for everyone here, and thank you @StiffyByngsDogBartholomew for starting thread 2.
It needs to be a permanent feature on MN.

UnMumsNetty hugs to you. I hope you feel more positive soon. I had a day grieving DM yesterday. Felt wretched and sobbed and sobbed. Thankfully at the moment at least I feel better than yesterday so take heart, it does lift and go in waves I think?

Im still hanging out here despite DM’s passing three weeks ago as traumatised from 2.8 years of sadness and worry/anxiety and an awful final 2 weeks.

I’m finding although the physical burden eases up somewhat the mental side of things is very very hard still.

You long for the relief of knowing your loved one is at peace. You long for some imagined freedom you’ll gain. You long for there to be no more shoes to drop. But after all that effort, death is the prize. It’s just an emptiness now and I feel very alone, despite having DC around on holiday now. No Xmas at my mums this year like it’s been for so long. A lot to get used to.

It’s such a conflicting bundle of feelings.

JaffaCake24 · 21/12/2023 15:53

And thanks for starting the new thread.

Strangely once again I find MN is the only place I can voice my feelings on a subject I cannot talk about in the real world to anyone.

I have another area of my life that again MN is an outlet that helps validate what no one else sees or knows.

Choux · 21/12/2023 16:25

I wondered if thread 2 would be given a less... provocative title. Not that I think we should but it might not tempt the ill informed out. By that I mean those who believe that all the elderly are sweet and smiling, living with a wonderful quality of life, fully continent and just suffering from a little forgetfulness or mild tremors.

TheShellBeach · 21/12/2023 16:50

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 21/12/2023 12:04

@TheShellBeach sirry the original post was not mine, I've just restarted our discussion

Ah, I see. Sorry.

I do agree that the mental load carried by women who care for elderly relatives is immense though. It can definitely break you - it almost did me.

TheShellBeach · 21/12/2023 17:19

Does the OP from the first thread know about this one?

Lovethatforyouhun · 21/12/2023 17:26

I have only read post 1 in the first thread.

Sending everyone strength, including the strength to live life for themselves.

It broke my body and soul and I shall never be the same. I lost so much. My youth and joy.

Its over now, but the resentments I feel for other so called family members who stood back and watched me sink is still strong.

TheShellBeach · 21/12/2023 17:27

@Poochypaws was the first OP.

popularinthe80s · 21/12/2023 17:42

@JaffaCake24 'death is the [only] prize - perfectly put. Yes. I'm dreading the emptiness as much as I'm dreading the loss of my mother (and longing for it, for all the reasons we have been discussing).
@Lovethatforyouhun I hear your sense of emptiness. As if you've been scraped out. I'm so sorry. The sense of losing the burden, but also losing the purpose.
I wonder if it's too Pollyanna to say, the act of speaking the truth and validating others' feelings could become that elusive purpose we are seeking?

Lovethatforyouhun · 21/12/2023 17:59

I’ve read more posts now. Wow so much suffering all round.

The long grief of ten years, then the actual grief when it ends. Oh and then the regrets and grief over what could have or should have been.

@popularinthe80s not Pollyanna at all. I unfortunately am not alone.

So many familiar feelings in this thread. I feel seen at last, but sad others are experiencing it all too.

Wineisnottheanswer · 21/12/2023 18:30

Thanks for new thread. I also agree v important to keep this going

StiffyByngsDogBartholomew · 21/12/2023 19:14

JaffaCake24 · 21/12/2023 15:53

And thanks for starting the new thread.

Strangely once again I find MN is the only place I can voice my feelings on a subject I cannot talk about in the real world to anyone.

I have another area of my life that again MN is an outlet that helps validate what no one else sees or knows.

My MIL looked after her own MIL at home, she is very supportive and I can't say anything that shocks her, she said once she had felt exactly the same. I'm very grateful for her lack of judgement

OP posts:

Pinkpinkplonk · 21/12/2023 19:28

Having been there with my father, I’m just sending love and strength you all, especially over the festivities.

Ilikeyoursleeves · 21/12/2023 20:52

Thanks for starting the new thread. If you don't mind I'm keeping watching the thread and contributing where I can as it was a life saver for me when I went through this with my dad. I really feel for you all going through it and I think it's an important discussion to be had and kept on the table.

As for the title of the thread, the original title is what attracted me to open it and reply to it as when I saw it I thought 'THIS!!! THIS IS HOW I FEEL!'

Hope you're doing OK @Poochypaws, not seen you on the thread for a while

binkie163 · 21/12/2023 20:56

I lost my mum recently after 10 awful years. Double incontinence, needing to be fed, washed, dressed, in and out of hospital. She was not a nice person and it has broken our family. She had carers 3 times a day but my dad was on his knees at 92 years old. I was emotionally and physically exhausted by it, I am so relieved it is now over. She died peacefully. None of the family want a funeral we just don't have the energy.

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JaffaCake24 · 21/12/2023 20:57

I agree the title is just right! Harsh but fair!

MsJinks · 21/12/2023 21:04

My mum has deteriorated quite quickly - she is on anti emetics and small pain relief on a syringe driver now. She has a long standing friend, who knew her better than I really for many reasons. Leaving aside any debate on an afterlife please, my mum’s friend tells me she would want to be alert when passing over - and I guess she would know that more than me - all I see is my mum may like discussing afterlife on earth but is not keen at all to get there herself, and whilst I know she believes in some sort of afterlife she’s never discussed her wishes like that with me, but perhaps as she planned to live to 200.
Anyway the friend was concerned that she is now confused, and thinks it’s drugs, and asked some medics she knows, and is told that you can have drugs to alleviate discomfort that also let you be alert, and I can ask for that. The drugs my ma is on knock her out and confuse her maybe, or maybe just her deteriorating self is confused anyway, I’m not sure. She’s quite agitated when they wear off a bit (prior to driver) but is that as she’s on them in the first place?
I am worried I haven’t like pushed these wishes with the care team and so letting her down with no second chance.
Are there drugs that don’t knock you out particularly at EOL does anyone know?
Any thoughts on it altogether? I feel like I’m just screwing up something very important for her.

TheShellBeach · 21/12/2023 21:13

@MsJinks
All the drugs used in end of life care have sedating effects.
That's really why they're used.
If your mum is agitated she needs the medication. Can you explain to her friend that your mum needs the pain relief and it will naturally make her drowsy, and that's a good thing.

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