Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

[AonRudEile]

Just like the title really.
Where do you find the time to be you ?

This was me.

I went part time and moved parents 10 minutes away from me to a lovely little assisted living flat that had a spare guest bedroom, allowing them to have visitors staying regularly.

It was totally life-changing for all of us, including my children who had far more time with me.

I can't emphasis enough how good it was for us as a family as well as for my parents who had regular contact with their grandkids who would just drop in and keep an eye on them too. They had a closer relationship as a result.

You will find your path but be kind to yourself with the guilt x

OMG this is still making everything the OP's responsibility!

As a society we need to move away from this mindset.

Women are not the default carers for the rest of their families.

It is NOT your responsibility to facilitate everone else's life to the detriment of your own

This.

And for the avoidance of doubt, I am not suggesting parental abandonment by the OP.

Just a shift in her belief that she (or any other woman) has to be responsible for sorting out everyone else's lives.

You're not responsible for facilitating every detail of their lives. Don't go part-time unless you want to - but don't jeopardise your pension and ability to pay the mortgage and be aware that going PT runs the risk of getting dragged into more care rather than creating time for you.

Cut down on the visits. You could go weekly to see them rather than doing stuff for them. Ask SS for a needs assessment and make it clear you aren't available to provide care, cleaning, shopping etc. Shopping could be an online delivery or something like Wiltshire Farm Foods.

Switch your phone off and assign several evenings a week and a weekend day to doing things you enjoy - go for a walk, join a book group, go to the cinema etc.

Make the most of having your teens at home now as they won't be at home forever. And do not ask them to get involved in grandparent care - that isn't fair!

I eventually went part time and retired two years early. It fairly mucked up my pension, I can tell you. (In my case, my parents had died by then but I was still caring for my husband.)

If my boss had been prepared to cut my hours further, it wouldn't have been so bad. (I did a 4 dy wk for a year. The result was the same work, but less money.)

If someone goes part time, they need to make sure that it doesn't exhaust them even more.

That is absolutely your choice, if you are happy and content to do it. But it shouldn’t be your job in life - an expectation as a woman that you do the grind of care work when the time comes. Great if you can do it, and are able to, also fine if your life can’t accommodate such a huge commitment.

It is largely irrelevant if you are a close family or not if you are working full time and have four kids! You are already doing two full time jobs as it is. You simply don’t have the capacity to do more.

Older people need to plan and take care of their own arrangements very early on into older age, so they can have the kind of life they wish for. Whether that’s staying at home and funding home help or living in assisted living etc.

I will never grow old and expect my poor children to pick up the slack for years on end burning themselves out. Dh and I will organise ourselves so we are fully functioning responsible adults, and not a huge burden on our children.

It’s completely unfair to expect other people to give up their lives, career and future to wash my bottom! It’s unthinkable to expect that, totally out of touch with the reality of modern life.

Women work full time now. Maybe in the old days that was not the case and it was easier - life has changed now and yes many more elderly will need to take care of their own needs.

I will never grow old and expect my poor children to pick up the slack for years on end burning themselves out. Dh and I will organise ourselves so we are fully functioning responsible adults, and not a huge burden on our children

Everyone says/thinks this, my parents included. Yet when the time came, they didn’t want carers in to help and it became very difficult. It is so common that it makes me think that the reality of being old is completely different to how you think it’s going to be.

I have cleaners now - so happy to have as much help as I can afford. It’s pretty selfish to dump the entire issue on to your dc!

I think we all think/say that, but the reality is that, certainly in my parents' case, the decline has been pretty swift.
My DH and I have said we will learn from their mistake and move into a more suitable home when we are in our late 60s early 70s so that will at least make life easier for us.
I am also thinking that a lot of posters on this thread seem to be implying that their parents are knowingly and delibrately being selfish and demanding. I think the truth is that older people so lose a grasp on how demanding they are being and it is not neccessarily a deliberate ploy to make life as difficult as possible.
Two years ago my dad was mending my car. Last weekend he could not sleep because a new washer was arriving the next day and he was worried it would not fit. Two years ago he would probably have fit it himslef.
I am not pearl clutching, as was said upthread, but I just think, in normal circumstances, looking out for the people that looked after you - and in my case, my children too - should not be such a big deal and should not become a feminist hot potato.
If the Op was complaining about looking after her inlaws, posters might have a point, but these are HER parents!

I've no idea what the OP doesn't for a living. Though now you mention it, all the GPs at our practice - male and female - are part time.

You're very chippy @TheShellBeach

It's not only that women work now and people live further distances from where they might have grown up, it's also that people are living longer but in poorer health.

In the past, someone might live 75 healthy-ish years and then three unhealthy ones. Now they might have 75 healthy-ish years and up to 20 unhealthy ones. (Obv completely made-up ages, but you get the picture). Things that would have killed, some cancers and heart conditions, are now curable which is a miracle of modern life. But it also means that this person then goes onto develop dementia and live and live and live... I defy the so-called Asian model proposed by (male) politicians to cope with up to four elderly parents living like that.

@Valleyofthedollymix that's pretty much where we were 2 or 3 years ago. 4 parents aged 82 to 94 all with needs varying from profoundly disabled and nonverbal following a stroke to early stage alzheimer's with no insight via assorted combinations of heart failure, arthritis, osteoporosis, diabetes and cancer. All an hour away in 2 opposite directions. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

And some people have step-parents to throw into the mix too countrygirl! But gosh that must have been incredibly difficult for you and your heads must have been exploding.

DH's dad had a heart condition, looked after by DH's mum until he died of a heart attack aged 80. DH's mum died three years later of awful but very rapid cancer. DH never knew the name of their GP nor could he reel off their dates of birth. Off the top of my head I know my mum's telephone number, postcode, NHS number, various medications, date of birth, GP's names, even the name of the GP receptionists.

But thank god we've only got one lot of parents to deal with - his parents were spared the indignities that mine went through and he was spared the conversion of a loving relationship into a series of health and house crises to be dealt with.

We don’t owe our parents decades or even years of care. That’s not on.

My in laws did have swift declines with cancer and one had severe dementia.

We had babies and 70 hour working weeks. I think you need to move past the sentimentality and the expectations and focus on practical solutions, and just because it used to be women’s work it certainly isn’t now and should be challenged.

Drop the rope. Let others pull their weight. Only commit to what have the capacity for. Your oxygen mask needs to be on first.

Whether it is a surprise or a slow descent everyone needs a solid plan in place for old age. One that is shared and agreed very early on with immediate family. Funded and planned for in advance. That is the responsible way forward. There should be nothing surprising about growing old and becoming ill, it happens to the best of us.

Whether it is a surprise or a slow descent everyone needs a solid plan in place for old age. One that is shared and agreed very early on with immediate family. Funded and planned for in advance. That is the responsible way forward. There should be nothing surprising about growing old and becoming ill, it happens to the best of us.

But the fact is, as is shown on MN every day, most people don't do this. It's one thing saying what they should do, but if they don't ... then what? Leave them to their own devices? Apparently so if this thread is typical.

No, you assist in organising enough care in-house if possible or you move them into residential care. That’s the only two options if everyone is working full time.

Quite frankly it sounds frivolous and indulgent to expect anything else these days. It has to be outsourced because most people can not afford to simply stop working and become a FT carer for the elderly. It’s entirely unrealistic.

So is long distance arrangements when someone is a mother of four working full time and at breaking point. Ridiculous to imagine op can continue like this. It’s the fastest way to a nervous breakdown.

@Severalwhippets I agree. I am not saying that anyone - including the OP - should do everything themselves.
But I am taking issue with the attitudes shown towards elderly parents on this thread. Mty parents are getting more and more annoying every day it seems, but I could never tell them to 'sort their shit out'.
There's a big difference between being unable to do much (work, family, distance etc) and being unwilling to help out. My mum and dad helped me out so much when they were younger - providing childcare, household help and general moral support. It would be extremely wrong of me to turn round now, when they need me, and say 'sorry, too busy'.
But this is what we are becoming - selfish, self-obsessed and very, very hard. I am not talking about the OP here, I am talking about some of the disgusting responses and attitudes shown by other posters.

I think it’s wonderful your parents have clearly been so loving and supportive. I assume the posters that feel differently probably have very different experiences, and/or abusive childhoods.

Of course anyone would want to help lovely elderly parents that have offered a life time of love and support. I am afraid some parents have been selfish themselves, negligent etc and still expect care from their adult children. Selfishness is also a feature of many older people too.

It has to be outsourced because most people can not afford to simply stop working and become a FT carer for the elderly. It’s entirely unrealistic.

I agree with you Severalwhippets but in my case, I probably could afford to stop working because we could live off DH's salary. However, I still don't want to be a full-time carer - I don't want to give up my job, being an attentive mother/wife/friend, hell it would be my home too and all my support network. And even if I did, I doubt it would be enough - my father needed two people to lift him towards the end, my mother's mobility is deteriorating fast. It would be open-ended too - my mother could live 10-15 years.

It feels so naive to say, oh I want to be there for my parents or I'd never put them into a home, when so few of us (including me but four years ago) have any idea of the unrelenting reality of it.

My parents were good parents and there was no neglect in my childhood. But I just don't want to do it. And if it's such a privilege why don't we see, say, Boris Johnson giving up the premiership to help his mother in her last years or any other important and powerful person.

And there is nothing wrong with saying it’s too much and I am not doing it. Another solution can and will be found. That’s the amazing thing that when we say no, other avenues will be explored.

I won’t be doing it either. I have spent the last 20 years caring for children. I won’t be doing it all again with my parents. That’s 30-40 years of relentless, thankless care work - most of ny adult life! love my parents but I have already told them I won’t be doing that kind of care. They understand. In reality most people don’t offer this kind of care anymore - as much as they love their families.

This is what we 'scrimp and save' for all our lives. To buy in help and care as needed and leave our busy adult DC with jobs and families of their own, free of the indefinite burden. What on earth else is our money for at this stage?
Decent parents would plan accordingly over the preceding years and not be happy for their DC to become runarounds. And if they choose not to do so, then they live with the consequences of their choices.
The wants of those at the end of their lives don't trump those in the prime of theirs.
And statistically and IME, the majority can actually afford carers, gardeners, cleaners etc etc. They just don't want to spend the money. Attendance allowance isn't even means tested!!

I think that some of the posters here have made some horrible comments. It easy to say well stop caring for your parents. Then the comment well go PT in your job when some has 4 teenaged kids who always need food, shoes, clothes and money is not helping either.
I know a lot of people at the moment with parents aged from their 70's to early 90's.
I know elderly parents who stepped in with financial help when their kids were buying or building homes. I also knew grandparents who helped out a lot or minded grandkids so both parents could work. Other parents then though about the future and made plans for this.

If your parents live a distance away from you they need to accept that careers and cleaners will be coming into their home. I say to your parents that your looking into getting them more help so they can stay in their own home for as long as possible. Contact social services and their local GP to see what is available and apply for this. Apply for the attendance allowance as well and use this money to pay for more cleaners and careers.
When looking after elderly parents it's a sprint and not a race. You need to delegate as much as possible and be willing to pay for this. If your parents have some money say to them it time to spend to make life as comfortable and easy as possible.

I would contact your brother and met with him face to face. Tell him that your no longer willing to keep doing everything for your parents and you need him to do more. Tell him he needs to visit them twice during the week and bring them to every 2nd medical appointment.
Tell him that your tired and your family need you as well and that unless you start getting a break you end up sick and it will all fall on his shoulders. I would say to him as well the longer your parents stay at home the better because otherwise what they have will go on care home fees. If your brother wants an inheritance down the line this might help in making him step up a bit.

The reality is that if you keep going at your current pace your going to end up either sick or in bad health yourself. You need to delegate stuff at home as well to your kids liking washing and cooking dinners. You need to spend time with your kid's and see how school and friendships are going. They need you when it comes to exams, UCAS forms ect for support and guidance.

If your parents object to extra help well just say I can't come here as much and I am trying to let you live at home for as long possible. I say as well that I have 4 teenagers at home and it coming to exam time ect. Your not been mean to your parents but your letting them know the reality. I get a Samsung 10 inch tablet and internet in the house for them as well so you and the kids can face time then. Arrange an online shop and get it delivered every week with milk, bread ect.
Get a cleaner in twice a week say on a Tuesday and Friday and get them to remove and wash bed linen and clothes one day and hang them up to dry. Then on the 2nd they sort out, iron and put away things.
Let your visit to your parents be one to sit down, have tea and chat rather than trying to do everything in there house also.

So far in this thread you’ve called those of us advocating for OP to have a realistic view of elder care callous, cold-hearted, and self centred, as well as self-obsessed and disgusting. By this point in my “care journey” I couldn’t give a flying fig what a random on the internet thinks of me, but let’s not make those struggling to balance their sanity with their guilt feel any worse, eh?

I m just reading all your messages and catching up now. Thank you to you all. There is a lot of good sound advice here which I will take on board, starting with more help, and contacting agencies.