Elderly parents that need help. 4 teens, work full time. DH stressful Job

[AonRudEile]

Just like the title really.
Where do you find the time to be you ?

I have also said several times that I am struggling with caring for my parents too @funnelfan.
It is tiring, annoying and eats into my free time. I have just started a new job which gives me mornings off (but I work until 10pm) and my mum has taken that as a great opportunity t take her shopping, pop to the doctors, pick up this and that etc.
But I would never expect them to 'sort their shit out' (I.m sorry, I can't get past that post) any more than I would expect a toddler to do so.
I absolutely stand my comments about the callousness of some of the posts on here.

I think you need to stop insulting other people, they are entitled to express how they feel whether you agree with it or not.

No one is entitled to free personal care 247 to the end of their days, or to make unreasonable demands on others. It’s absolutely not okay to push people to the brink of collapse. It’s disgraceful and selfish. You don’t get a free pass to harm others just because you are old.

Thanks for your reply.....it's very hard to do this though. They gave me a good upbringing and I wouldn't be where I am now without their support ( emotional not financial, except for uni ). One parent in particular had my back every time. Just was always there, advice, support, encouragement, love. Its v hard to do that to them now. But I will explore other options/ help / support.

They wouldn’t want you to collapse with burn out or stress op. They sound like good people and would not want this for you.

@AonRudEile , for many years I devoted myself to my parents. My dad lived with me after my mum died for three years. I’d say for about eight years my life was dominated by caring for my parents.
My brother and his children really abdicated which didn’t help but my boys and their partners contributed as much as they could.
I found a charity who provided a career to give me some ‘me’ time weekly.
A very tough time.

8 years?

How can any parent seriously be happy with their child giving up 8 whole years in the prime of their life unless they believed the purpose of that child was to step into a caring role for them for any amount of time required? Regardless of the personal cost to them, their future, pensions, relationships.

It’s just unthinkable to sacrifice your children in this way. I can’t get my head around it. I am deeply sorry that you lost so much of your life to this. Precious years you won’t ever get back.

OP I found it helpful to turn the issue round, not think of it like I was refusing to help or being cruel (I wasn't) but enabling them to stay as independent as possible for as long as possible. The more you do for them, the more they will ask of you, and this makes THEM very vulnerable because as soon as something happens to you - flu/Covid, broken leg, crisis with child, broken down car, holiday - they suddenly have nobody else. Whereas putting other things in place now, like carers, befrienders, shopping/meals that don't depend on you means they have more resilience and aren't solely dependent on you.

As your DPs are caring, loving people they surely wouldn't want you burning out which you seem close to doing.

My DPs live an hour away as well, currently I visit every 2-3 weeks and my life sounds a lot less busy than yours.They get their groceries online - sorted out during lockdown - and are as self sufficient as they can be. Their house isn't the cleanest but I can scarcely keep my own house clean. I suggested they get a cleaner and DM has a number for someone but it's been over 4 months now and she hasn't called her, so I will mention it again if the place gets bad.

I would aim to reduce your visits to once a week. Explain to your DPs that your DCs need you and you are exhausted from all the driving and worried you may have a car accident. Ask them to increase the cleaners and carers visits if they need help in between.

It is difficult as I'm sure they aren't being deliberately demanding and the more people talk about planning, no one really envisages being at the point where they can't do some things anymore and it's easier to pretend it's not happening especially when they have you to make up the difference.

But your DCs and DH also need you, so for everyone's sakes not just your own you need to reduce this to a more sustainable level.

It’s completely unfair to expect other people to give up their lives, career and future to wash my bottom!I’m not sure you understand the reality of either looking after an elderly person or becoming an elderly person. The clichéd “wash my bottom” is a minor and easily sorted problem.

Women act as carers for their parents, rarely for their husband's parents. I have seen plenty of posts where a husband has a busy job and tries to fit in some time for his parents and he is attacked as being selfish and should put his wife and children first. Imagine it was your husband doing the caring OP for his parents. I bet you would put him straight pretty quick;y.
I know plenty of older women who retire early and rely on their husband to be the breadwinner so that she can care for her elderly parents. Can you imagine an MN wife allowing her husband to retire early to take care of his parents?

@AonRudEile Thanks for your reply.....it's very hard to do this though. They gave me a good upbringing and I wouldn't be where I am now without their support ( emotional not financial, except for uni ). One parent in particular had my back every time. Just was always there, advice, support, encouragement, love. Its v hard to do that to them now. But I will explore other options/ help / support. It took a few years of trying to support DDad at home before I realised the things that he most valued were being able to talk through problems and decisions with me, and my company. Very similar to the support from your parents that you valued.

He wouldn’t let anyone clean his house, so he lived in relative squalor, he did eventually allow carers in, and meals on wheels, but not till he was 96.

So, try to outsource everything you can, tolerate slips in physical conditions, and understand that it’s OK to say “yes I will sort that for you, I’m not able to come now but I’ll be around next Tuesday”.

Women act as carers for their parents, rarely for their husband's parents

i don’t think that’s true. I’ve seen plenty of women looking after their in-laws, both online and in real life. Once a woman has reduced her career to do care work then the natural next step is for her to do all the care work in the family.

The husbands get either their wives, their sisters or their sisters in law to do the caring. It is very rare for men to go part time or retire solely to enable caring work. And that because they’d never think to do it, not because their wives wouldn’t “allow” it.

The husbands get either their wives, their sisters or their sisters in law to do the caring. It is very rare for men to go part time or retire solely to enable caring work

This is very true.
I can just imagine a thread where an OP said that her husband had given up work so that he could care for his parents.
And if he had children still at school, I can imagine the responses that thread would generate.

Silly thing really, but when I was doing similar, I found audible books.

Coukd drive and listen and shut out the worries and have some time to myself. I love reading though and it us my ' out' from stress.

And if he had children still at school, I can imagine the responses that thread would generate

Depends on the circumstances I suppose. DH was a SAHP 20 years ago when the kids were young because his first wife was a high flier and he’d just been made redundant so it worked well for them. If his mother had needed care at that point he’d have done that too (maybe not his ex in laws as they’ve never got on ),

I have a cousin who did that. He had his own business for many years, but lived off his savings for a while. His wife was not amused.

She had chosen not to help him with the business, though they were both qualified in that area. She stopped working as soon as the first child was born and never returned to work.

Once his mum died, my cousin sold his mum's house (which he had bought for her - close to his house) and then worked on a casual basis until he hit pension age.

It was tongue in cheek. I wouldn’t let anyone near my nether regions - I will pack a bag and head to Switzerland when that day dawns.

I was pointing out I can not bear the thought of my children frittering away the best years of their lives, but I am not a selfish person. I consider my family’s needs too.

It really grinds my gears that people cannot differentiate between "care" and "help". Most people happy to HELP with things like organising online shopping and making sure bills are paid. Or popping in for a chat and a cup of tea. CARE is a whole other ball game and no child or grandchild should be reasonably expected to shower or toilet an elderly parent or grandparent.

Also, it's a choice you have made here @AonRudEile , whether you've made an active decision to step up as a carer, or more likely, have fallen into it over time by taking on a bit more each time. It's easily done and you have to get to crisis point before anything changes. That's pretty much where you are now. You can't force your brother to take on some of the load, and he doesn't have to do any caring if he doesn't want to. That's as equally valid a decision as choosing to care for your parents, there is no judgement here as everyone's situation is different and you shouldn't feel guilted into doing care for your parents at the expense of your marriage and kids.

Agree that it's time to ask social services in to do a formal needs assessment for your parents and ask what sort of care is available. Either carers to come in, cleaners, meal deliveries, or maybe day centres or similar.

It's OK to say you can't cope with this any more. You have not failed, it doesn't mean that you don't love your parents.

Take care, OP. It's not an easy path.

I think the issue here is that pps are assuming that the parents have made a concious decision to make their children's life a misery and are aware they are doing it.
My parents' younger selves would be horrified if they could see how demanding they have become now, but it sort of creeps up on you. You don't wake up one morning to find that your parents are suddenly eating up all of your time, it's a gradual favour now and again, to more frequently, til that occasional favour becomes 'your job' for every more.
I am wondering if some of the more vocal posters on this thread are actually caring for elderly parents or if their boundaries are just theoretical? It's very easy to say what you will or won't do if you were caring for elderly relatives and it's even easier to say what you will or won't do when you get old, from the position of being strong, healthy, capable people. I don't think many people really know how they will be when they are very old and how they will cope, so it's all theory.
Up until six months ago, my dad was driving (another story), so popping out for eg a prescription was an easy job they could do. My mum still regards asking me to do this as an easy job, failing to see I have to give up my lunch break to drive to their house, pick up the prescription, drive to the pharmacy and then drive the medicine back to their house. It's not a five min job for me, but she does not see that.
My parents looked after their parents and complained bitterly about doing so. I am sure back then they were adament they would not be a burdon on their children, yet here we are.
I am not saying people should drop everything and be a slave, and I think the OP is doing far too much, but I remain appalled at some of the attitudes on this thread and I make no apology for that.
We seem to be lavishing more and more attention on people at the beginning of their lives, yet evidently begrudge any attention whatsoever on people at the end of their lives. It's very sad.

It's very easy to say what you will or won't do if you were caring for elderly relatives and it's even easier to say what you will or won't do when you get old, from the position of being strong, healthy, capable people.

Oh this is so true. I used to say that of course I'd do whatever it took, my parents gave me a great childhood and stable upbringing and that I owe it to them yadda yadda yadda. Totally idealised and I was talking out of my arse because at that point I had zero understanding of what caring actually entailed, and what dementia would do to my dad. None of us had the skills to care for him towards the end. He was still aware enough to realise that your daughter taking you to the loo was WAY wrong and it made him very upset and angry. It's really often not in the best interests of the elderly patient either.

Aye.

When my husband died, his daughter 'comforted' me by telling me that he'd have been in a home if it weren't for me.

DH had some mobility problems, but was perfectly compos mentis. He'd have managed at home with the aid of a bit of personal care. (He had hemiparesis following a stroke, but learned to walk again.)

DH's ex once told me that she expects that she'll eventually land in a home.

I can't get my head round it. DH and his ex both did everything that they could for their children, even to the extent of giving financial support when the children were middle-aged. Their children are financially much better off than they ever were.

My DPs are financially generous to us.

It's incredibly kind of them, but it doesn't magic up any more hours in my day or make them any closer. It's also not enough for me to give up my job, not that I am cut out to be a full time carer anyway.

I do go and visit as much as I can, but I'd honestly rather they used the money on a cleaner and have mentioned that to them as an option.

But they are adults and are still free to make their own choices on how they spend their money.

Obviously if they need additional support I'll do what I can to source it for them, but I cannot and do not want to sacrifice my own health and happiness for a protracted period of time and I sincerely hope the money isn't meant as some future quid pro quo.

Sad for who? You can’t pay for relatives to care for you - or quietly expect them to by being overly generous. That is manipulation and blackmail.

None of us should expect the level of care op is struggling with. No one. No matter hpw ‘generous’ and if the triple lock pensions and prescriptions were stopped to wealthy pensioners and they paid more in tax and bedroom tax for rooms they are not using then maybe it could be redirected towards more care for the elderly so families were not making such awful sacrifices in the first place.

@Severalwhippets
Apologies, I can't remember - are you looking after elderly parents at the moment?

I doubt that that the money is looked upon in that way, but I’m assuming that you’d at least help them to find a care company if they widowed and in need of a bit of help?