100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

However do people really fall out (and it’s just one) over the odd non PC comment? Surely people roll their eyes and move on

Well no, not on every comment. Some will be hitting much closer to home and i personally have had words with my parents (80+) about comments on ‘immigrants’ because I’m an immigrant myself and have been on the receiving end of the same comments. And so have my dcs (who are not immigrants. They are British, just like dh).
It’s even more annoying that spent most of their life as immigrants themselves!! (But ofc they saw themselves as expats not immigrants….).

So no, I wouldn’t let that one go. And there are many reasons why people dint just roll their eyes and ignore.

But did we fall out and never spoke again? Nope. Because we actually have a good relationship.
I suspect that there is much more going on that led to the situation. One that shouldn’t come as a surprise to her tbh.

I personally suggested it as a possibility, at no point did I suggest that people in their late 60s, 70s and early 80s are all incapable of making long journeys by train that sounds rather like you are jumping to the idea that's what people are saying

You know I think @fruity81 is right.
It might not be a backstory like a huge fallout etc… but simply a feeling if not having any strong link with her.
This is corroborated by the ds t one if them doesn’t really bother anyway right? If they can’t be bothered in general to make the effort to see her, why do you think they would do that for a birthday that unfortunately falls at a busy time re travel??

2 questions, @TizerorFizz.

How often do they come to visit, and when did they visit last?

What about calling them and discuss a mutually convenient date for the celebration - it doesn't have to be on her actual birthday.

I think 100th is one that actually does have to be on the birthday.

Btw - if you're getting state pension, family don't have to request the card from the king. It arrives, whether you want it or not.

When my late FiL made non PC comments I just ignored him and taught my DC to do the same.

@TizerorFizz @ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea

I absolutely agree here...soo much 'projection' from some posters probably mirroring how they feel... all this about ''Go no contact'' - whatever happened to forgiveness?

There was a relative my friend had- the only adult child, a daughter, emigrated.
The mother was devastated.

When the mum died , the daughter jumped on a plane quick as you like to sort out the will and grab the proceeds.

Greedy, selfish woman.

I really do hope these uncaring relatives receive nothing in their mother's will.

They will turn up for that, like the proverbial bad pennies.

I'd blast at the siblings who can't be asked and then tell them (don't ask) that they have to be on a zoom at X o'clock for half an hour minimum. If necessary give them a list of topics to waffle on about or questions. What did mom do for her 18th birthday? What was the best holiday she ever had?

Quite frankly I need to get dragged into similar zooms but then again they are held weekly and across several time zones so take some organising.

It’s a shame but family dynamics are rarely straightforward and it sounds like they’re not close to your mum. I find any excuse to avoid most family dos (and my family are perfectly nice), but a 100th birthday, I would make the effort.

Instead of dwelling on your disappointment, focus on making it really special for your mum.

Did you ask your relatives whether the date would suit them before making the arrangements?

Is this serious? The date was determined 100 years ago.

That's disgusting on their part. Bet they have no problems getting over when the will is read out though. Ugly vultures. Your poor mother. For what it's worth, I hope she has a lovely birthday regardless 💗 Sorry your siblings are shit OP.

I'd blast at the siblings who can't be asked and then tell them (don't ask) that they have to be on a zoom at X o'clock for half an hour minimum.

this made me giggle

That's disgusting. I flew back to the UK for my gran's 70th. It cost me a lot of money for 2 nights but I wouldn't have missed it. She died 5 months later.
Your family are being selfish.

Who are the 'Grand kids' who are not coming? Not the two absent sibling's because OP says they have no family.

The fact that two adults are not close enough to their mother to navigate the Easter train situation and travel hundreds of miles isn't that unusual.

Why not hold the party a week before Easter, or after? Although it sounds as if there's no closeness there anyway.

Either the both sisters are equally lazy bitches AND who ever the parent of the grandkids is too lazy to round their kids up for it either, or there's understandable backstory.

I'm afraid to say my money is on no.2

That is so, so sad. We had a party for my mum for her 90th, and people flew in from Canada (to UK) to be there! If they cared, they'd find a way.

But maybe when you reach a hundred you would really love to have all your family together for what is very possibly the last chance you'll get that to happen?

Like what?

She's hurt and upset for her mum

Good grief, it was beyond obvious that the OP was explaining that the siblings have no spouse/partner family commitments over Easter. Maybe take a moment more to actually digest what has been written rather than jumping in with an overdose of your own judgemental cattiness???

She's answered all that

And if some people can't be arsed to make it for a 100th on the day then they really needn't bother

Her birthday is on the same day every year. This isn't a surprise

This thread is in the Elderly Parents section, not AIBU. People post here for mutual support and advice, not to have the boot stuck in.

If I make it to 100 I'll be fussed about it!

Wow - never seen a thread attract so much projecting!

seems like many posters are convinced OP is in denial about how awful her mother is, or is perhaps herself part of the problem.

I’m always surprised how these threads go. Some scenarios appear to be accepted at face value while others are automatically treated with suspicion.

to all the members of the stately homes thread, I’d say some of the awful mothers ( of which I know there are many) were also daughters at some point. Isn’t it possible that sometimes people have horrible kids too? And by that I mean adult children who are just unpleasant. I know a few people with horrible siblings- none of them had awful upbringings and their parents were good people.

what about the many people who had awful parents, but lovely grandparents? it isn’t always the oldest generation that is to blame.

Maybe there is a back story, but OP says not. Isn’t is better to offer constructive advice to someone about the scenario they present? There’s no way to know the reality of the situation with any poster.

Why do people ALWAYS assume abuse on the basis of no evidence at all?

It's like the threads where a husband might behave a little 'oddly' and everyone jumps to autism.

Maybe she was a perfectly ordinary, pleasant woman and mother and they're just lazy and selfish?

@Pardonnezmoimadame well, there are a lot of horrible kids and grandkids in this family then. Including the OP as they have shown in their responses. That's a coincidence that makes me chuckle 🤭

Constructive advice has been offered, incl by those suspecting a huge backstory. It's mainly been 'stay in your lane. Accept their decision', which is a healthy thing to do.

Only the other side call the siblings bitches, selfish etc. apparently that's ok and doesn't fall under projection.

Why assume they are lazy and selfish on the basis of no evidence at all?