100th birthday and 2 daughters not coming for the day

[TizerorFizz]

I simply don’t know how to tell my mum that they are not coming. 100th is at Easter and they are saying trains are unreliable. 3 out of 5 grandchildren not coming either - all adults. How do I tell mum? I’m devastated for her. I’m finding it hard to suppress my anger. One of my siblings rarely visits anyway but surely for a 100th birthday you make the effort!? Any advice welcome.

@Laiste Who are the 'Grand kids' who are not coming? Not the two absent sibling's because OP says they have no family.

She said the DC were adult therefore no caring responsibilities.

If the siblings didn't see much of their mother for whatever reason, it's likely they didn't take their DC to see the grandparent much either, so it's not surprising that they won't be attending.

@Pardonnezmoimadame it's funny how some people shout 'projection' at those who are open to the idea of a backstory and the siblings 'having their reasons'. But calling someone selfish and lazy purely based on a thread from a stranger on the internet isn't projecting, haha. Have a good look at yourself.

Such unpleasant posters!

Accusing a 100 year old woman they’ve never met of all sorts! Of being abusive, having “the wrong” political opinions ie. disagreeing with them.

You go ahead and have your party for your mother. 🎈 OP. The fact is that sometimes it’s just the case that some adult children are just very self involved, even selfish, something some people can’t believe lol. If that’s the case the best thing is to leave them to it. I wouldn’t put myself out for them either if I were you. I hope your mother won’t miss them at her party. That is of course is a bit sad 😢, but there’s really nothing you can do. You seem to be doing absolutely wonderfully in the circumstances. I hope you enjoy the day.

@Nanny0gg This is Mumsnet..

Everyone is advised to go ''No contact'' {or at the very least low contact} if mummy didn't buy them a pony and favoured their younger sibling to them.

Anyone who is 5 minutes late has ADHD diagnosed, and Heaven forfend if a child hates school- they are automatically given the 'Neurodiverse' label.

If a husband so much as looks at another woman it's ''Leave the bastard!''.

^^

A friend celebrated his 100th birthday early in January. He has his wits about him and was able to walk albeit with the aid of a stick. He was very excited on the run-up to he big day and we all spoiled him, but since the adrenaline has subsided, he has since moved into a care home.
It's not just another birthday, many people hang on for it and pass away soon after. Even if the birthday girl lives to be 110, there will be recriminations that reverberate throughout the family. Sad.

What I also find disturbing about this pile-on is that the elderly parents board is not an AIBU board, but clearly there are people just hanging around ready to have a “go” at some poster, struggling with something. Very unsafe kind of space really, which is a shame. I hope it hasn’t affected you OP.

100 is an amazing age to reach. OP's Mum would have been born in 1924 and reached the age of majority in April 1945, just as it was becoming clear that the Allies were going to win WW2. She must have been doing some sort of war service, given her age. She would have lived through the Great Depression and then after the war the Cold War. So much change in one lifetime!

I find this idea of people taking sides to be rather childish. Some people are obviously identifying with the OP, others with her sisters.

but there’s lots of different views available- nothing is black and white. The OP has every right to be disappointed AND her sisters have every right not to go!

The OP is possibly defensive because there have been some pretty rude responses on here- this isn’t AIBU! Doesn’t make her a horrible person if she’s rude back.

from my experience, families can have lots of selfish, flaky people in them. It doesnt make it the fault of the 100 year old mother. I know quite a few people who have a whole family of deadbeats.

I’m very close to my mother, so I find it difficult to imagine not celebrating her birthday. But even if I wasn’t close I’d make the effort.

If there had been a huge family fallout, I’d expect them not to make it. But it is strange not to manage a 100th birthday because of trains! It would be understandable if they said, ‘mum and I didn’t have the best relationship, so I’m not comfortable celebrating with her’. But they aren’t saying that.

It's awful and disappointing but it doesn't sound surprising op as they don't bother normally and one hasn't been for 6 years .

In situations like this minimising is important so go along their train crap story and just leave them to it. Make sure your dm is surrounded by those who love her and make an effort. Yes she'll of course be disappointed but I bet she's endured worse in her long life. Hope you all have a nice time 🍾.

**Clearly these siblings don’t have a strong relationship with her

The fact that she’s celebrating 100 doesn’t mean she was a good mother**

This ^.
Is she one of those who had a favourite child/children and grandchildren and made it obvious to the rest of them? I am guessing the three grandchildren are the children of the siblings who are not attending . You reap what you sow, however old you are!

What a telling anecdote. If you despised him, why didn't you turn down his money? If you knew you were going to benefit from his death financially, why didn't you make the normal polite gesture of respect and attend his funeral, also so that you could support the rest of the family, who may have felt differently about him?

I think this is really sad and I would remember it when it’s their birthdays.

Unless she is/was an awful person then there’s no excuse not to make the effort.

It sounds as though they’re just very selfish and don’t want to cause any disruption to their own lives.

@FairytaleofNewJersey what are you talking about? You don’t know anything about this family!! Nor do people always “reap what you sow”. Bananas. You have absolutely no basis for your unpleasant and ridiculous assertions towards the OP or her mother; they are only your own projections.

@Pardonnezmoimadame the trains excuse may just reflect the kind of relationship there is. None. I wouldn't pour my heart out with true reasons for my absence to someone I have had no real relationship with for years prior.

I won't go into the ins and out of estrangement as people who haven't experienced how painful it is tend not to understand and downplay the implications. But I'll add that a loving and healthy mother-child relationship is hard to give up as an adult and it doesn't usually happen out of selfishness.

Even with caring parents I find some people can become very selfish and then like you op it’s left for you to organise and / or left fuming at their behaviour, which must be upsetting for the elderly person who realises they can’t be bothered turning up for such a special birthday.
However I have no suggestions how to handle it I’m afraid you can’t force them to attend.
Just make it a nice day for your mum and enjoy it ( and think bugger them!)

I understand why you are so upset on behalf of your mum. I would be too (although I'm the child who lives 250 miles away).

I hope that the care home that I'm assuming your mum is in will make a huge fuss of her. I hope there will be a cake, flowers and visits from people who care. I hope she gets a card from the king and her photo in the local paper. I know there is a large degree of luck in reaching 100. Keep smiling on the day safe in the knowledge that you have done what you can to help her have a day for you to remember.

turn down £45,000 that went towards my children’s university education meaning they will leave with no debt?

all to make a point against a vile individual who is dead and buried?

Ever heard the expression “cutting your nose off for spite your face”?!

Not a bloody chance was i turning down that £45k 😂

@Dearover

I hope that the care home that I'm assuming your mum is in will make a huge fuss of her

Why are you making this assumption?

also so that you could support the rest of the family, who may have felt differently about him?

fat chance. He abused all three of his children physically and emotionally. I would be surprised if more than half a dozen were present

The Trains really are a problem at the moment. Train drivers do not have to work on bank holidays or Sundays if they don’t want to. They will probably have more industrial action around Easter. I don’t like driving long distances so I only go by train somewhere I can afford to get a taxi home to. I assume you are not offering to put your siblings up.

Pathetic excuse. Abhorrent behaviour. Would never treat my DM like that.

I’m sorry OP.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Why would you expect to be bequeathed money by someone you have no relationship with

Oh I will be taking every penny of my legal rights from my mother. Make no mistake.

I have no relationship with her because of her. That will not stop me claiming my inheritance. Why should it? She let me down enough, at the very least I deserve my share.

Because in one of the OP's posts she says the two sisters who aren't going to come and see their mum on her 100th birthday did manage to make the trip to retrieve things they wanted from her home, which I assume is before it was cleared and sold.

Honestly, I think that's the least harmless assumption on this thread 😩

@bornak if I was to get any inheritance from my parents (I won't, they don't have much) I'd take it. I would just view it as damages for my suffering. To make up for the thousands of £ I had to spend on treatment that I needed due to the consequences of their upbringing and abuse towards me and all the lost years and opportunities. No amount of money would ever make up for it but I'd use it somehow.